


The Written Word Over You

by AlibiRooms



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Developing Relationship, Estrangement, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Friendship, Gay Panic, Glimbow is background, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Sex, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, References to Eating Disorders (past), References to Past Sexual Assault, Religious Guilt, Slow Burn, more ships that I won't tag for spoiler reasons, name changes (minor characters only)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 127,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24451159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlibiRooms/pseuds/AlibiRooms
Summary: Coming to terms with your childhood is a lot more difficult when you grew up in an orphanage/cult with very strict ideas about religion. Adora ran away, Catra burned the bridge, and neither of them are sure how to act when they meet again five years later.College-AU about friendship, found family, and how much five years can really change a person.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Scorpia (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 944
Kudos: 1606





	1. You and Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College AU! To preface, I've changed some of the character names bc while I love them, most just don't work outside of a Magical world (looking at you, Castaspella).
> 
> For this chapter: Castaspella is now Cassandra, and Perfuma is now Phoebe.

_Pulling shifts at the ass-crack of dawn really has its perks,_ Adora thought, yawning. The rough bark of a Blue Magnolia pushed into her shoulders as she leaned back, one foot hanging inches above the water. The small Fort River tributary bubbled below, clear enough to see minnows and crayfish.

It was the best spot in the entire sanctuary – only a few feet from the trail and yet totally secluded. Visitors and students wouldn’t dare wade through the sharp underbrush and muddy pools, and Adora was the only one who knew the super-special-secret way of climbing through the branches.

A few minutes was probably all she had left. It was hard to tell. Time was nebulous out here, or just in general when your sleep schedule was so ridiculous. College students were supposed to be up all night and sleeping during lecture all day. Usually she ended up staying awake all night _and_ day, thanks to her friends.

The late-night board games Bow always talked her into had a habit of getting rowdy. Like last night, for example. Glimmer tried to play the responsible one and stop things before midnight, but Adora had seen straight through her (“We’re not stopping now! You’ve got a five point lead!”).

Three hours later Adora was the one winning, so she felt comfortable calling things off.

Somewhere in the pine, a Robin chirped its morning song. She’d passed a birder or two on her morning rounds. Nothing special. They were quiet and almost always ready to strike up a conversation, so long as it was hushed. Fast paced thuds came right after, from behind her.

The cross country team. Perhaps the only other students that would willingly get out so early in the mornings. She waited for their footsteps to fade, sitting forward and brushing the very tip of her boot over the surface of the water. Tiny ripples spread out from the contact.

She didn’t need to feel it to know it would be ice-cold and crisp. By the end of September you’d be able to chill a dang beer in it. But the official University Wildlife Sanctuary guidelines might have something to say about that.

Getting out of the spot was a little harder than getting in. She had to balance carefully as she got to her feet on the thick branch, moving like a big clumsy spider until she was ready to hop straight up. Her gloved hands wrapped around a thinner branch. Two swings to get momentum, then she lunged forward to grab another, hauling herself up so she could shimmy-walk across and drop down onto a lower branch.

Then it was just a short leap to the trail. Pulling herself along had gotten easier over the past six semesters, but it still left a thin sheen of sweat over her chest and neck. A tall boy in shorts and tennis shoes jogged past, giving her a quick nod. She nodded back, fixing her ponytail and following after him, glancing around to make sure the runners hadn’t left anything unholy behind. Like a water bottle lid or those stupid Gatorade-jelly packets.

That was mainly what rounds were for. Checking for litter or graffiti (usually carved into tree trunks – ‘ _UM & AR 4EVER’? _Yeah, probably not), but also fallen tree limbs or anything that might be dangerous to passers-by. Copperheads were the biggest concern, now that fall approached.

She met up with the river again after a while, crossing a little planked bridge. Her walkie buzzed and clicked with her boss’ voice.

“ _You’re going to be late…_ again.”

Adora rolled her eyes, smiling as she pulled the small rectangle from her belt and pressed the _talk_ button. “It’s not even seven thirty yet. Besides, I think it’s technically only a tardy if it’s under five minutes.”

“ _Be late on your own time – or take classes that aren’t taught by my favorite coworkers. It looks like I’m keeping you from school.”_

“Yes, ma’am,” Adora said, only a little bit sarcastic. Cassandra went through the effort of pressing the button again just to let through a disapproving grunt, then it was just the birds and insects all around.

She broke into a jog, because she actually _didn’t_ need to be late again. Three times within the first two weeks of the semester might be pushing it.

It was her senior year, however, and there was a certain amount of leeway that went along with that. First and foremost was first pick at registration, which meant she’d been able to construct the perfect schedule – two classes and this internship. Then she was done in the Spring.

The work was nothing new. She had been working on the sanctuary all four years of college. Now there was just a more official name attached and it counted as credit. The classes were easily knocked out on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Everything else was the job.

It wasn’t _her_ fault Cassandra was best friends with her professors.

“I’m going!” She called, ducking into the little office building to grab her bag from behind the empty reception desk. “Be back later!”

“Bye, Adora,” came the response.

Cassandra’s office door was open. There was coffee in the pot that sat balanced on her mini-fridge, but Adora would rather avoid being snapped at for lingering. Cassandra was a great boss even if she was prone to bouts of grouchiness. Usually triggered by a passive-aggressive email from the State Wildlife Department.

“Get any emails this morning?”

“ _Bye_ , Adora,” she said again, glaring through her glasses and typing furiously without needing to look at the keyboard.

It was a short walk (on paved road, at least) to the nearly empty parking lot at the edge of the property. She changed in the car, exchanging the plain green t-shirt for a cleaner white one, throwing on some deodorant and a spritz of something super flowery that had been a gift from Phoebe.

Who was also taking Dendrology that semester. Adora dropped into the seat next to her just as Dr. George started up a PowerPoint about Gymnosperms.

“That’s three,” Phoebe whispered, tendrils of her fluffy blonde hair tickling Adora’s ear as she leaned in. “The syllabus said you can be late five times before – “

“He drops a letter grade,” Adora whispered back. “Thank you, Pheebs. I am a big girl, you know.” Besides, it would be pretty messed up for George to punish her when it was _his_ son she’d been up all night with. “He didn’t even see.”

Phoebe gave her a doubtful look, then turned toward the front.

Field Herpetology was right after, and in the same building. Adora got there early enough to snag a good seat near the front. Though, in a class this small, all of the seats were pretty good. “Good morning, Doctor.”

Lance’s eyes crinkled with a smile over the rim of a coffee mug. He leaned back against the main desk, the PowerPoint already raring to go – he was much more technically apt than his husband, though the both of them gave Bow a perpetual headache trying to work household devices.

“Good morning, Ms. Jones.”

Last-named _again_. Which meant he and George had been gossiping about her lateness. Or maybe the fact that she’d fallen asleep in this class last week. Not great.

She made small talk with Rogelio and Lonnie about the homework. Then there was a two-hour conversation about salamander mating conventions. Then it was work again, until four in the afternoon with Lonnie by her side. They went on evening rounds, checking all the bird enclosures and replacing a rusty nail under one of the bridges.

While she waited for Glimmer to get out of class, she sat in Cassandra’s office for a few minutes after shift. Mostly so they could chat about nonsense. Monday’s were one of the few days Cassandra wasn’t running around attending meetings or ‘supervising’ (micromanaging) the guys who cut the grass.

“Hey,” Glimmer said around fifteen after, peeking her head into the office. “Ready?”

“Ready.” Adora stood and pulled her keys from her pocket. “I’m starving.”

“Good. Bow’s night class was canceled, so I thought we could all go out for dinner?” At Adora’s eager nod, she grinned. “Aunt Cass? You in?”

“Sorry, darling, I still have a few hours to go.” She looked up at the two of them, tapping a pen against her mouth. “Oh! I almost forgot, Adora – I need you to meet me in Oakley Hall at nine tomorrow, instead of coming straight here. As my intern, you should be sitting in on these meetings you’ve heard so much about.”

A _meeting._ Adora made a mental note to do laundry so she had something nicer than khaki shorts to wear. “Sounds good.”

Glimmer stared at her phone while they walked to the car, quiet until Adora turned out onto the short street toward campus. “How was your day?”

“Standard. We think those duck eggs are about to hatch.”

“Oooh! Baby ducks! Make sure you take pictures.”

“Glim, of course I’m gonna take pictures.”

Glimmer sighed wistfully. “I think I’ve finally got an idea of what to do for my Printmaking project.”

“Ducks?”

“No. I can’t tell you. It’s still percolating.”

Adora nodded, fully aware of how Glimmer would be barging into her room some night in the next week, ranting about how good her idea was. Then she would talk herself out of it and pick something different. Art majors. “Is he at the library?”

“Mmhmmm,” she hummed, texting him that they were on their way.

Bow was waiting on the front steps of the library. The building was big, made up of white concrete and red brick in alternation. Glimmer took an architecture class sophomore year, so she might have described it as ‘Modernist’ or ‘Contemporary’ or something equally meaningless. Adora thought it was just kind of ugly. And the second floor smelled like the inside of a washing machine.

“Hey, guys,” Bow threw his bag across the back seat and climbed in, leaning way forward over the center console to kiss Glimmer on the cheek. “Where are we going? I’m _starv –_ “

“Us, too,” they said in unison.

Adora came to an impatient stop to let some people cross the narrow road. “Seriously. Pizza, maybe?”

Glimmer shifted to face the driver’s seat. A light breeze drifted through the open windows and blew her chin-length hair across her face. The purple dye had almost completely grown out, leaving her black hair lavender-tipped. “I was thinking we could go into town.”

“Why?” Adora had to elbow Bow into the back so she could shift gears. ‘Town’ meant Salem proper. A full interstate trip away, but Etheria was so small the people just thought of themselves as a part of it.

“There’s this seafood place I heard was really good – “

“ _Seafood?”_ Bow exclaimed. Because that was _expensive._

“Yup.” Glimmer dug in her wallet for a moment before brandishing a tiny square of plastic. “I have a gift card.”

Bow gasped, his voice hushed and reverent. “Free food?”

Adora glanced over and saw the number amount written in marker on the back. Her eyebrows shot up. “How did you get that?”

“Dad sent it.”

Adora frowned.

She was completely independent now, but it hadn’t always been that way. Glimmer’s parents thought of her as their own, so the money they sent Glimmer’s way was usually enough to cover them both. And because Adora outright refused to take it up front, they’d gotten sneakier. Like Glimmer insisting on going on grocery runs so Adora could save her money. Or gift cards.

And it wasn’t like she _didn’t_ have the funds – on the contrary, she had plenty thanks to her job and scholarships – but a granola bar was as good as pancakes and eggs in the morning, and in the end left more money in her wallet. Saving didn’t equal starvation.

 _“It’s what parents do,”_ Glimmer told her once, not at all understanding why Adora was so disconcerted. “ _They worry.”_

Keeping one eye on the road, Adora took the card and looked at the price again. Generous.

“I’ll need to shower before we go.”

Bow groaned in hungry agony.

“Or at least change into something clean.”

________________________

Salem was really big for tourism, but not usually until October. During the summer the cobbled streets were filled only with locals. There was less ogling historical buildings or snapping flash-pictures of old tombstones and more bored teenagers trying to catch stray cats. Just on the way to the restaurant Adora saw two boys trying to coax one out from under a dumpster.

The dinner was completely worth the drive. Adora had changed into jeans and a light jacket, hesitating in front of the bathroom mirror before dabbing on red-tinted lipgloss. Glimmer always had something glittery and neon splashed across her face and it was one of the few days Bow was wearing eyeliner, so she decided to go for the extra effort.

…Not that appearances mattered when you were taking on crab legs with your bare hands and getting butter all over your face.

There was a strategy to using gift cards – they all got water and skipped the extras, opting for only crab legs and fish. The little sacrifices usually left enough for a good tip. Glimmer was the first one to give up, slumping back against the booth .

“So…full…”

Bow and Adora met eyes in a silent challenge. Their frantic snapping and pulling went faster, until there was only a single claw left at the bottom of the bowl. They both grabbed for it, but Adora’s hands were just slightly more buttery, and she lost it with an angry growl. Bow pulled it open with relish and sucked out the meat.

“I am the crab _champion!”_ He hooted as they paid and shuffled out. How he could have so much energy after a meal like that, Adora didn’t know.

“For now. I’m still the pizza champ, though.”

Glimmer, who was champion of nothing because she ate like a bird, rolled her eyes.

“Yeah,” Bow waved his hand dismissively. “That’s not nearly as _prestigious_ as _crab_ – “

“And ice cream champ.”

“That one doesn’t really count. You threw it all up right after.”

Adora threw her head back, moaning. They’d been over this so many times. “I only threw up because of the soda. Where in the rules does it say I have to _pass_ the food to be champion?”

“It’s implied!”

“Oh, my God, shut up.” Glimmer said suddenly, dragging Bow to a halt. “It’s beautiful.”

Adora turned to the window she was staring into, squinting at the display of glittery jewelry. They were vintage-looking antiques. Basically catnip for someone like Glimmer.

“Which one?” Bow asked. “The ring?”

“I need a closer look. Stay here.”

She pushed inside. Bow and Adora watched her rush up to the cashier and start pointing wildly. Another reason they didn’t come to Salem very often anymore – Glimmer made a _lot_ of impulsive buys. Jewelry, books, and anything that looked appropriately glam-witchy.

“We’re close to the beach,” Bow commented hopefully, turning away. “It’s only seven. We can watch the sunset if we hurry.”

“Sounds good,” Adora yawned, scratching the outside of her nose. As long as she was in bed by eleven, they could do whatever Bow and Glimmer wanted. She was glad to have brought the jacket, because the beach would be windy. “My hands still smell like butter.”

“Mine, too,” he said, holding both palms in front of his face and sniffing. “I washed them three times. Guess that’s the price of being Crab King.”

“So it’s ‘king’, now?”

“Yeah, but,” he lowered his hands thoughtfully. “That’s not dependent on today’s victory. I’m just a king in general.”

“I guess. By default. But that’s only because all your friends are women.”

Bow blinked. “That’s not true. Girls can be kings. You exhibit king-like behavior from time to time.”

Adora rolled her eyes, giggling.

The square was pretty in late afternoon, when the light faded from pale yellow to deep orange. It cast the ancient colonial buildings in grim, dramatic shadows that tourists just ate up. But she wouldn’t call it creepy. Not really. Underneath the carefully curated sense of occult designs and open-concept graveyards, it was just a town. The people, too, were exceedingly normal.

“I wonder…” Bow said. But she didn’t hear the rest of his sentence. The sound of laughter filtered through the air, and everything came to a halt.

If Adora could help it, she would have stayed very still. But some evolutionary instinct took over. They called it ‘lizard brain’ in her Wildlife classes. An old, pre-mammalian response to danger. Fight or flight.

Her head snapped up toward the sound, hands fisting and knees locking.

There were two women coming out of a bookstore directly across the street. The one holding the door was…well, frankly, a _tank_ of a woman. At least six-five, having to duck to fit through the brick gateway the entrance was nestled into. A shock of white hair fell over a really young face and black eyebrows. She must have dyed it – was white hair the style, now? A half-buttoned, brightly patterned shirt was tucked into red shorts. Arms and legs that rippled with muscle Adora could only dream of cultivating on her own long limbs. If it were a normal day, this woman would have been the one to stand out. Adora might have drooled a little, even.

But it wasn’t her that had laughed. Adora would know that laugh _anywhere._ In any life.

The other woman stepped past the tall one, still smiling at whatever had been so funny. Adora felt her eyes go wide, instinct still keeping her hindbrain from snapping into reality. It seemed much easier to simply stare and catalogue every difference.

First off, her hair was shorter. All shorn off so it was just a curly, light brown halo all around her head. Her clothes… nondescript, but what they _weren’t_ was much more important than what they were. And they weren’t the uniform.

Two mismatched eyes met hers, for a single second that felt like an eternity. It was like a slap to the face, pulling her back into the moment. Sound rushed in. Someone was saying her name. A bell rang as one of the shop doors opened.

 _She’s here,_ Adora thought, trying to put her mind back to order. _In…Salem. How?_

But there was really only one answer.

Catra’s face didn't change right away. Her lips were still slanted up, teeth glinting in the sun. But her eyes went wide, too. She must have been going through the same suspension of realization Adora was. Slowly, her smile turned somber. They were just staring at each other.

Across the street. In Salem.

In the real world.

The tall girl was clearly trying to get Catra’s attention. Adora felt a hand on her arm. Neither of them so much as blinked at the intrusions. Adora’s chest ached. Something that had been carefully, _agonizingly_ sealed up over the years came crashing open with a resounding _bang._

“A- _doooor-_ a,” Glimmer said, waving a hand in front of her face. It made her blink, and the spell was finally broken. By the time she’d glanced at her friends and back up, Catra had turned away, walking fast in the opposite direction. Toward the harbor. The tall woman kept pace easily, and then they were gone down an alley.

Just like that. _Gone._

“Adora,” Glimmer said seriously, glancing off toward Catra. She didn’t know who she was. She couldn’t. “Who was that?”

 _Nothing,_ Adora’s brain provided. It would be so easy. _No one. Thought I saw a black cat. Bad luck, yanno?_

Her eyes burned. She blinked several times, thoughts slow and thick. This hadn’t happened in nearly four years. ‘Setbacks’, she called them, but this time the word didn’t feel quite right.

“That was her,” she heard herself saying. And the moment pressed itself firmly into reality, like flower petals in a book. No going back now. “That was…”

_______________________

“Cat.”

_'I’ll call you Cat, then, since you hate your name so much. It’ll be our secret.'_

“Hey. Wildcat.”

_'No, that’s too easy. Everyone calls me Cat for short. It’s not…special.'_

“I’m not making you any dinner if you don’t – ah, you know what? That was an empty threat. I’m still gonna make you dinner.”

 _'Special? I can do that. Hm…Catrina…Cat…_ Catra!'

“I’ll just cook dinner! Over here! By myself! I’m _chopping_ , Cat. Unsupervised.”

_'That’s not a name.'_

_'That’s what makes it special! Catra, Catra, Catra.'_

“Alright. That’s enough moping.”

Catra was lifted bodily from both the window nook and her memories. It was a rough transition. “Let me _down! I don’t wanna talk about it!”_

“ _I don’t care!”_ Scorpia said right back, thunking her down onto a kitchen chair. Catra crossed her arms and looked down at the tabletop obstinately.

“Now.” Scorpia messed with something on the stovetop. It smelled like soup. “What happened today?”

The little salt and pepper shakers were shaped like Linus and Charlie Brown. She felt so stupid buying them, but Scorpia said they were the best birthday gift she’d ever received. She probably said that kind of thing _every_ time she got a gift, though.

“I’m gonna keep asking – “

“No one.” Catra grit her teeth as Scorpia gave her a knowing look. “I mean. Nothing.”

It didn’t happen. It just simply _did_ not happen. Blonde people all looked alike, anyway. Could have been anyone, and, really, most people looked at Scorpia with their mouths hanging open like that.

 _She wasn't looking at Scorpia, you idiot, she looked at_ you.

“I don’t want to pry,” Scorpia said, pulling a chair around so they were sitting face to face, knees touching. Probably plenty of personal space in her twisted opinion. “But I haven’t seen you like this since…”

“Seen me like what?” Catra asked, half scathing and half actually curious.

Scorpia bit her lip. “Y’know. When we first met. You were all…empty-eyed.”

 _Nope._ Catra thought she stood up normally, but her chair screeched back in a violent, loud way that only added to the rising tide of discomfort. "Scorpia."

“You saw someone, didn’t you?” Scorpia asked, halting Catra in her tracks. “From that place?”

That place. The big lump in her throat had been working its way up for the past few hours, from her stomach to her heart to behind her eyes.

“I can’t – “ Her voice was too high and cracked. Scorpia had that familiar worried look that only made everything worse. “Scorpia, I can’t do this right now.”

She fled to her bedroom and slammed the door, making sure it was locked before she lost the ability to think.

________________________________

The last Adora knew of the Church was that they had moved to New Hampshire. Maybe six or seven months after she left? It had been a relief in some ways and a soul-crushing loss in one very specific way.

Now Catra was in Salem. Which meant she had _left_. They wouldn’t have let a scout cut their hair. No, she was _out._

The next few hours drifted past her in a blur. Shaken. That was how she felt. Like someone had stuck her brain in a jar and used it like a soccer ball. They ended up skipping the beach and Glimmer had taken the car keys right out of her hands. Probably smart.

And now they were home. She had homework to get to, and a load of laundry to run before the next morning. The thought of trying to do either in this state was a nonstarter. The thought of doing anything at all was a nonstarter.

It was a while before she realized she wasn’t alone in the living room. Glimmer and Bow had made half-hearted attempts to get an explanation in the car, but she couldn’t answer.

She’d been standing at the window for what felt like a long time when she heard a voice. “What did you say?”

Now that she looked, she could see their reflections, sitting side by side on the couch. Bow looked awkward, and Glimmer determined. He was the one who talked first.

“Do you think they…sent her?”

Adora thought of it as a possibility, at first, five years ago. The concept of a runaway wasn’t new to the Church. They just made their brainwashing that much more thorough, so all of the kids had been too terrified to think about leaving. They had seemed to have a lot of plans for her, though...

“No,” she said. The Church was all about weak prey. Why waste energy trying to get her back, when she’d clearly changed her mind? It would be more efficient to go after newer, younger, less assured people. “She would have tried to talk to me, if they did.”

Glimmer’s reflection frowned. “So, what do you think?”

“I don’t know what to think,” Adora said, walking over to the potted ficus and sticking her fingers in the dirt. Too dry. “There’s only one explanation.”

It was silent while she ran the tap over a cup and walked back to the ficus, pouring water slowly toward the roots. When she glanced up, they were waiting expectantly.

“She left.” Wasn’t it obvious? “She got out.”

The biggest leaves on the bottom were starting to discolor. Way past due for a good pruning.

“You said…” Glimmer made an irritated sound as Adora walked back from the kitchen with the tiny shears in her hand. “You said it was really hard to do that…and you also said she _wanted_ to stay.”

Adora went to clip a petiole, but her hand was shaking too much. She steadied it by wrapping the other around her wrist, snapping the blades with more force than the plant probably deserved.

She hadn’t told Bow and Angela and Micah much about Catra, except that she’d been a friend. Only Glimmer knew any more than that - that Catra hadn't wanted to be like Adora. She thought she would be 'swayed by her perversions'.

“Um. She did.” _Snip. Snap._ Why were her hands _shaking?!_ “Guess she changed her mind.”

“So that’s it?” Bow shrugged. “You don’t even want to _talk –_ oof!”

“Of course Adora doesn’t want to talk to her,” Glimmer said. Bow rubbed his ribs where she’d elbowed him. “She treated you horribly. Didn’t she?”

Adora sucked in a breath, staring at Bow. It didn’t occur to her before he suggested it. Catra had been right there. Adora could have just crossed the street and _talked_ to her. How would a conversation like that even _go?_

She looked between them. They were her best friends, but she didn’t feel comforted by their concern. Actually, it was really unwanted.

“I just need to sleep, I think,” she said, backing up toward the steps. They didn’t stop her, but she heard them talking in whispers as she went to her room.

It was dark, but she didn’t turn the lights on. She knew exactly where it was – in the back of the closet, under her winter boots.

The shoebox only had two things inside. She fumbled around for the paper, holding the aged material in her fingers and standing in the faint light of the window.

Going up the stairs didn’t change the view. It was the same as the window below, just higher. The apartment complex was two streets over from campus, a row of townhouse-style buildings that were affordable without being ‘cheap’. Adora wasn’t sure what the difference was. Glimmer had liked it, so they lived here.

It was a solid place. Sturdy.

All she could see was the other row of apartments, a direct mirror of theirs. She could see the cars, and the windows, and every now and then someone sitting on their front porch smoking a cigarette. It wasn’t much, but it was everything. She never thought something like this could be possible, for her. But with some help, she’d made this life.

Their porch light was on, which sent up enough light for her to see what she was doing. It was delicate work, unfolding without tearing. The paper was going on fifteen years old, far past it’s lifetime expectancy. She rarely touched it or even thought about it, but it was always there. She’d never throw it out.

The squiggly, childish drawing never changed. A yellow figure and a brown one in matching sweater-skirt-and-tie uniforms. Red and black. Church colors.

The blob-girls held hands, joined in the center by a swirl of their two colors. Not just held on by fingers, but an irrevocable promise, put to words at the top of the page.

_Catra & Dora_

_Friends 4ever_

_____________________________________

It was past midnight when Catra sat up. She hadn’t been sleeping, exactly, but her sense of time was all out of whack. It had been a few months since one of the…episodes. They only came after nightmares…or so she thought. This one had started in the kitchen.

The first time it happened in this apartment, Scorpia had heard and ran in, all alarmed and confused. Only once, then Catra told her to back off and started locking her door every night. The last thing she needed in full-fledged pathetic mode was an audience.

She usually went back to sleep after, or just laid there with her eyes shut tight. This time she’d ended up on the floor, though, and her spine throbbed from the awkward position. Her mouth was dry, and her head ached along with her back. The combined discomfort was, for a moment, greater than anything else. She almost didn’t think about why she ended up there in the first place.

Then she opened the door.

In the dark, it was difficult to make out the shape sitting in the hall, but of course big hulking shadows were something she had to get used to, living with Scorpia.

Who apparently sat outside her door when she had panic attacks. And slept there.

Her back was against the wall, head slumped forward on arms propped on knees. It didn’t look comfortable. Surely she didn’t do this… _every_ time? For the past _year?_

“Hey,” she hissed, with a light kick to Scorpia’s shin. She sat up with a gasp and a grunt of pain. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Scorpia pressed the heel of her hand into her eye. “Oh, just…sitting.”

“You were sleeping,” Catra said, voice cracking. “Go to bed. D-don’t you think it’s w-weird to sit outside people’s d-doors?”

And just like that, she was crying again. Not even from an attack. She was just tired and aching and all the walls she’d had carefully built up had just been struck down by a big blonde sledgehammer. It was so overwhelming she actually let Scorpia lead her to their tiny living room and sit her on the couch. Then there was a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and the kitchen light went on.

Scorpia clattered around for a few minutes, running the microwave. Catra wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to make the moisture stop.

“Here,” Scorpia said, brandishing a mug at her. She took it. Scentless steam made her nose run.

Scorpia sat down. Her weight made Catra tip toward the center of the couch, and a heavy arm settled behind her head. She wanted to squirm away, but Scorpia _was_ really warm. It wasn’t terrible.

Because the silence was so awkward, she took a sip. It was so sharp and _blegh_ that she actually shook her head back and forth. A sound hissed out through her teeth that made Scorpia giggle.

“It’s called ginger.”

“It’s _disgusting,_ ” Catra snapped, trying it again just in case it was better. It wasn’t.

Silence again. Scorpia had tilted her head back, but her eyes were open. There was, like, a big glowing neon sign in the darkness – _talk about it, talk about it._

“I’m not gonna talk about it,” she told it. “So you can just – “

“Okay,” Scorpia said. Catra snapped her mouth closed.

The ever-present hustle and bustle outside their windows had died down hours ago, and now it was just the passing car or some wind tunneling through the streets. A downstairs neighbor banged something against something else, the vibrations rattling up the old walls. And the air conditioning. And the even breathing of Scorpia right next to her.

Okay, now it was getting _annoying._ Scorpia never asked her about… _all of it._ She said stupid things like ‘I’m here for you’ and ‘the past is the past’, but she didn’t really _know._

“It wasn’t a cult,” Catra finally said. “Just to clarify.”

Just because Scorpia knew _some_ of the facts didn’t mean she could draw the correct conclusions. “I mean, it was like a cult, but not really.”

She felt a pair of eyes locked on the side of her face.

“And it wasn’t, like, whatever you’re thinking. They didn’t touch us.” She’d seen some of the documentaries that were always trending on Netflix. About the doomsday cults and sexual abuse. Real fun-filled family entertainment. “It was just an orphanage.”

Her throat did something funny that made talking hard. A hand squeezed her shoulder in a way that made her want to start yelling.

“It was just an orphanage, and I don’t even know if all orphanages are like that, or if – well, they’re probably not. I don’t think all of them are religious. And – and it was a school, too. That’s all.” She forced down some more spicy grass tea that sat in her stomach like tar. “At first, anyway.”

“You don’t have to tell me this.”

Scorpia’s voice made her jump, even if it was quiet. “Yes, I do! Don’t you think it’s _weird_ that you never even asked?”

The blanket fell away from her shoulders as she got to her feet, tea sloshing around the bottom of her cup. Scorpia just looked at her.

“I told you I was on the run, and you just let me _live_ here with you. That’s _nuts!_ I could have been a total freak!”

“You are a freak,” Scorpia said seriously, then broke into a wide, toothy smile. “That’s why I like you!”

“You don’t know what it was like! The – the nuns, they made us…they put all these _things_ in our heads.” It was the weirdest thing – once she said the word _nun_ , everything else was fighting to push itself past her tongue. Like word vomit. “We had to look a certain way, act a certain way, or there would be _punishments_. Most of us never even met a family looking to adopt – so many kids just _stayed_ , even after they turned eighteen. You became a part of the Church, and – and then _you_ were the one teaching the younger kids about how _great_ it all was. How scrubbing floors and reading the bible all day was a _blessing_. And how – how it so _wrong_ to be different, or to have your own thoughts, even if it meant – “

“Hey,” Scorpia sat forward, taking her wrist. She wasn't smiling anymore.

Catra yanked herself away, setting the cup down and pacing around the little space in front of the TV. When she pulled her hands through her hair, she almost expected there to be more of it. But no, she’d cut it off.

“It was wrong to be different. Everything that wasn’t obedience was _wrong_. You were being obedient, or you were a sinner, and – and there were so many things that were sins. And I believed all of it! I was fine with it! Because – “

Oh, _nope_. Not this again. Catra was _past_ it.

“If you were so fine with it…” Scorpia trailed off, and Catra shut her eyes tight against the question that was coming. “Why did you leave?”

_Adora was a sinner, Catrina. Her guilt drove her away from the light, and she chose the path of weakness. She left you. Now, I do not wish for you to speak her name again. Forget, or her evil will corrupt you, too._

Shadow Weaver’s voice echoed through her head, fading off into the distance. Catra had to open her eyes just to make sure Scorpia was still there.

“I hurt someone,” she whispered.

“So that's who it was,” Scorpia said, like she was confirming something. “She was there, too? You were…friends?”

Friends. It didn’t sound like enough, but Catra guessed that would cover it. “Yeah. The only friend I ever had.”

“…What happened?”

A hot tear slid down Catra’s chin. All this build up just to make Scorpia understand, and she still couldn't bring herself to say it. “It doesn’t matter. She left, and I couldn’t…things weren’t the same.”

But not really. She knew things weren’t right for a long time. Adora left, everything became so broken, and it still took three years for Catra to work up the courage to sneak away.

“Did you look for her after…?”

“No. She…” Catra stared blankly at the wall, letting the pain wash over her. It was perfectly clear, the memory. How her words had made Adora’s face crumple into tears. How it felt the morning her bed was empty, and every day after when she woke up with this ridiculous _hope_ that maybe it was only a dream, only to be crushed anew when there was no one else there. “She hates me.”

“It didn’t look like she hated you.”

 _What do you know?_ Catra thought savagely. “It’s been five years. She was just surprised.”

Scorpia stood up, cocking her head to one side with a calculating look. “You stopped crying.”

Almost defensively, Catra ran her hands over her face. “I don’t think there’s anything left.”

“No.” Scorpia moved close, turning Catra’s shoulders toward her. “It’s good to talk about things.”

“Well, I hope you got your fill,” Catra sniffed. “Because I’m done.”

Scorpia’s eyes went hard, and then softened with a half-smile. “I never asked because you made it clear you didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t need to tell me it was bad – I see how hard things are for you, even now. You don’t have to explain yourself to me, but…maybe it would be good to get some closure.”

“Closure? _Closure?”_

“Yeah.”

Catra narrowed her eyes. “What are you suggesting?”

Her hands were still on Catra’s shoulders, holding her in place. “Talking to someone who would really be able to understand what you went through.”

“Weren’t you _listening?_ I fucked up, Scorpia! She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know,” Scorpia said, hands going tight. “But I know _you_. Whatever you did, I’m sure if you just apologized – “

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Cat,” Scorpia was more serious than Catra had ever seen her. “It could be.”

Entertaining that thought was too dangerous. Catra shook her head, smiling unhappily. “Say I did. Say, hypothetically, I went up and apologized. She’d laugh in my face.”

“But at least she’d know. And maybe you’d feel better.”

Catra didn’t pull away, but she wanted to. It was too hard to control her expression right now. “People don’t just _do_ that, Scorpia. Talk about their feelings all the time. Besides, I – I don’t want to...do it!”

Scorpia frowned at her inflection. “Do what?”

“Just barge in and make her think about it all over again!”

“What about you?” At Catra’s blank look, she continued. “I mean, _you’re_ thinking about it again. It’s bothering _you._ ”

“No, it’s not.”

She didn’t even justify that with a response. “You keep saying _she_ doesn’t want this, but what do you want?”

Scorpia had a really annoying way of forcing everything into her happy, simple, everything-is-amazing-all-the-time perspective. It was so, so annoying, but...it hadn't actually ever steered Catra wrong, when she decided to listen.

“Do you want to talk to her?”

 _Yes,_ Catra thought. _More than anything._

“I couldn’t even find her if I wanted to – _which_ I don’t. I – “ she sighed and shook her head again. “I just want to pretend this didn’t happen. Can you do that?”

She could tell Scorpia didn’t want to. She was probably _loving_ the big emotional outburst Catra had just dumped on her. But then she nodded, and dropped her hands. Catra was relieved for about a second before she was yanked into a bone-crushing hug.

“Ow!”

“It doesn’t matter what you decide. Everything will be just fine,” she said. Catra grunted in irritation – she _had_ just decided. “And she’s not the _only_ friend you’ve ever had. Not anymore.”

Catra rolled her eyes – who even _said_ things like that? – and wrapped her arms around Scorpia’s ridiculously large back. “Thank you,” she muttered.

When they broke apart, Scorpia had big glassy eyes, and Catra could _not_ deal with any more crying tonight. She pulled her wrinkled shirt straight and stalked back toward her room. “And stop sleeping outside my door!”

“Anything you say, wildcat.”


	2. Was it too much too soon? Or too little too late?

Adora went to class, and work, and meetings with Cassandra. She ate dinner with Glimmer and listened to Phoebe talk about a date she had coming up. Bow and his roommate came over Thursday to watch movies and do homework. Kyle was a Computer Science major, too. Which meant he could be a little weird, but Bow was good at translating.

She did all of that, but her mind was somewhere else. While she took notes at meetings, she was thinking about her first weeks out of the Church. While Phoebe braided her hair on a lazy Friday night, she thought of how scary the world had seemed. Impossibly big and difficult to navigate. There were more than a few moments of weakness where she nearly went back. At least at the Church she understood how things worked. And she understood where she fit in the system.

Outside of it, she was just a cog without a machine. Outside, everyone seemed to have a double motive, the wrong intentions. How could she know? The Church had taught her to believe the worst in other people.

Glimmer noticed her distraction. She was always there, acting like everything was normal but with way too much force. Hence all the guests and hang-outs in the apartment. Adora felt a little guilty, but the truth was she just never had a reason to keep things from her adoptive(ish) sister. Now she did. That was allowed, wasn’t it?

She kept circling back to wondering how it would have gone if Glimmer’s family hadn’t been everything they seemed. If they were the kind of people to abuse her trust. Adora had been young, and naïve in a way that made her a very easy target. All it would take was one person to take advantage, and her chances at a normal life would have been destroyed.

Who did Catra have? That woman she was with could be a lot of things. Something bad could be going down and Catra wouldn’t have a clue until it was too late.

Unless it was _already_ too late?

It was that kind of thinking that found her back in Salem that very Saturday. She went to the same part of town. The same parking lot, even. Watching a family unpack themselves from a small car in front of her.

Indecision twanged at her nerves, telling her to just go back home. There was no guarantee Catra would even still be in town. She could have passed through from somewhere else. And twice in the same week was a lot to expect.

Glimmer hadn’t been there that morning to talk her out of it. She half-wished for the advice, because apparently she’d lost her mind.

The family walked off, baby strapped into its stroller. Adora followed.

The shopping district was much less welcoming without Bow and Glimmer. It was also crowded. The crowd buffeted at her, leaving sweat on her arms that didn’t belong to her. Luckily she was taller than the majority, and could see where she was going. Not that it was needed – all she had to do was follow the smell of crab and clams and she was at the seafood place again.

She tried looking without _looking_ like she was looking. It was hard. Staring at people when she was there alone felt…creepy. Every person with brown hair or brown skin caught her eye, but of course none of them were _her._ This was useless. An exercise in paranoia.

Frustrated at everyone in her way (and with herself), she turned to the nearest door and pushed through. The cool rush of air cleared her head. _Right,_ she thought, looking at the shelves of books. _Okay. If I leave here with a book, then maybe this day isn’t so pathetic after all._

It was the same shop Catra had been leaving. Crowded, but also inherently less packed than any other kind of store. Quiet, too. The door shut behind her, bell ringing from the top corner. She smiled at the boy behind the counter and moved to the back room.

Adora wasn’t a big reader, but she thought bookstores were always kind of magical. Knowing that she could pick anything at random and just _have_ it for herself. No matter how impractical, like a book of pictures or a history of architecture in Georgia. Knowledge for the taking.

The only empty stretch of books turned out to be the science section. Adora stood there for a while, transfixed by the titles. Particularly the big set of field guides. There were issues for shrubbery, reptiles, birds, seashells, and more. She picked up one about trees, bound in soft green leather and pocket-sized. The information inside was probably all the same stuff as her textbooks, but it was so _cute._

“I didn’t take you for a tree hugger.”

The book fell through her suddenly limp fingers.

Out of nowhere, Catra was just _there_ , standing behind her with one hip cocked, arms crossed in a big show of indifference that she’d always been so good at. It was like a dream.

But that wasn’t all. She was wearing leggings. Adora had enough wherewithal to notice that much. _Leggings._ It had taken her a _long_ time to wear something so skin-tight and flamboyant in public. People treated it like a casual thing, but it wasn’t. Not when you grew up like they had.

 _How long?_ Adora thought. _How long have you been out?_

Catra’s eyes flickered with uncertainty. Her lips parted like she, too, wanted to talk but couldn’t quite find the thing to sum it all up. Adora couldn’t breathe for a second, and then there was a surge of emotion in her chest. Disbelief, relief, fear.

Without thinking, she threw her arms around Catra’s neck, knocking her back a step.

“It’s really you!” She cried redundantly, in a flood of exhilaration. “I didn’t know if I’d find you again, but I thought maybe you would be nearby, and I had to at least try because it’s _you_ , and – and – and I _can’t_ _believe you’re out.”_

Catra had gone all stiff and pointy, so Adora let go, stepping back and recalibrating after seeing her wary expression. Right. That had probably been too much. Way too much.

“Sorry,” she amended. “Um. Hey.” She tried to pack as much of her emotions into that one _hey_ as she could. It almost sounded like a question.

After a second of tension, Catra’s shoulders relaxed. “Hey, Adora.”

It was like music, those four syllables. A voice almost exactly how Adora remembered. Throaty with deceptively honeyed edges. Time and who-knew-what else had left subtle changes she needed more time to inspect.

They stood there until some of the other patrons started giving them sideways looks. Catra looked her up and down, which made her feel all shivery and self-conscious, a product of her brain dealing with age-old guilt. But the sudden silence between them felt very real.

“How did you know I was here?” She asked. It seemed like a really big coincidence. _Too_ big.

Catra hesitated, then bent down to pick up the book. It had landed shut. “I live here. I saw you from my window.”

Adora raised an eyebrow, finding that a little unlikely. There were a lot of people. “You…live in Salem.” That, too, felt like incredible happenstance. “Since when?”

“A while,” Catra answered lightly, slotting the book back where it belonged. Her hand lingered on the spine, fingers trailing down. Adora almost pressed for more information, or at least a real answer, but they were close enough now that she saw every bit of Catra’s blue-gold gaze as she looked over.

“Adora…” Catra started, hesitant and determined all at once. “I – “

“Let’s go get coffee,” Adora rushed out, oddly sure Catra was about to tell her to go away. That wasn’t in the plan. None of it was. She chose to improvise, glancing around at the eavesdroppers. “Somewhere quiet, where we can talk? If…if that’s what you want.”

And she really, really hoped it was what Catra wanted. Her face was all screwed up in confusion, which wasn’t too promising. “Talk?”

“Yeah. Unless – “ She stopped short as Catra’s hand flew out to grip her wrist, pulling her toward the door with zero explanation.

Adora let it happen.

They followed the path Catra had taken before, down and through an alleyway. Adora stared at the back of her head, awe-struck and considering pinching herself. She felt like some hapless Alice chasing the white rabbit into wonderland.

The whole trip took less than five minutes, but it felt like much longer. Catra never let go of her wrist, and she never said anything. Behind the alley was a patch of cracked pavement, then sparse, sandy grass that turned into the back lawn of a house. They walked through that and to the residential street it was a part of.

“Whoa,” Adora said as she saw which house they were headed to, right there in the cul-de-sac. A white and blue collection of windows, antique (read: old) paneling, and a big wraparound porch to tie it all together. At least three stories. Really close to the water. The cost was unimaginable. “It’s beautiful.”

“I only live in part of it.”

Adora understood that when they were inside. The quaint foyer had been walled off on either side, two doors added in with little mail slots to their sides. The house had been sectioned off into apartments. Still expensive, but she could breathe again.

Catra dropped her hand when they reached the top of the steps, Adora waiting while she fiddled with her keys. The highest landing was narrow, stairs shrinking and sides closing in. Peaceful paintings of lighthouses and sailboats lined the walls.

The door creaked open, and Adora followed her inside. It was beautiful, walls the same pale white as downstairs but offset by dark black furniture. The placement of the apartment in a house like that probably meant this was the biggest apartment.

To the left was a wide sitting room with an enormous bay window. The view of the actual water was blocked by the stores, but the sky went on for miles. Sunset probably looked crazy. Framed pieces of art hung on either side. Abstract, color-matched to the apartment. It was a curated space – everything selected to be a part of a whole. All the way down to the polished wood coffee table and fluffy white rug. Someone had chosen to make it look that way, and Adora didn’t think it was Catra.

“Sit.” The door was already closed, and Catra was just watching her. She must have spaced out.

Catra gestured to the right, toward a rectangular, well-furnished kitchen with a tiny breakfast table made for two people to sit at. Which they did, Peanuts-themed salt shakers positioned between them like referees.

“I don’t know where to start,” Adora admitted, when Catra didn’t say anything. This had all been a whirlwind, and it was just starting to dawn on her how much they had to cover. Five _years._ “How did you…?”

“Same as you.” Catra lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Middle of the night. I just…ran.”

Another non-answer. There was a lot more to it than just running _._ Adora knew from experience - it was a battle of wills. Deciding that leaving was even an option took so much. Catra made that decision, which meant something had driven her to change her mind, and Adora desperately wanted to know all of it. Everything that had led them to this moment.

Catra’s face was even, but something in the set of her shoulders and the way she wasn’t meeting Adora’s eye directly made her think slow and steady was better. For now.

“Okay, I’ll start.” Adora cleared her throat, looking around the room to find the words she needed. “With the money I stole from Shadow We – “ she caught herself using the old nickname, and smiled. “From Sister Louise, I managed to take a bus here from Danvers.”

The Church’s last location – a town about an hour north of Salem. The city had seemed like a safe bet. More people, more places to hide, and… and it was nearby. The Church had moved to another state, making it even more improbable that Catra could just have ended up in Salem.

“I slept two nights in a park, hiding in the bushes.” It was easier to talk about this when she was frank and clinical. They were just facts. “After looking at bulletin boards and stuff, I found this halfway house for youths. I had to lie about my age, because I wasn’t eighteen yet, but no one really seemed to care. It was…hard. Everything seemed dangerous. And it probably was, I mean, some people that stayed there really seemed to be looking for trouble. I tried to stay out of it.”

Catra moved her hands to the table, leaning forward as she listened.

“I looked for jobs. Anything – stocking shelves, warehouses, waitressing. But no one really wants to hire a teenage runaway, I guess. Especially one without any documentation. Then I met Glimmer.”

“Is that a _name?”_

Thick disbelief coated Catra’s tone in a way that mad Adora laugh. The sound had a strange effect; Catra shrank back in her seat, eyes going even bigger.

“Yes, it’s a name. Her parents are kind of…hippies? In a way. I met her when I tried to apply at a fishery in Clifton. Sunset Harvest. Her family owns it, and they decided to help me out. Under the table, at first. I gutted fish for a few months, then after some training they had me working up front, with Glimmer.

“I tried to keep quiet about…well, you know. But I think they figured out what was going on, or at least that I was more or less homeless.”

Catra shuddered; a delicate, fine tremor across her body.

Abruptly, Adora’s mind fixated. Had Catra gone through the same thing? Clearly, she had been out for some time. Surely she would have looked Adora up, or…or _something_. Especially if she was without a place to stay.

Not that Adora was easy to find. She didn’t allow pictures of her on her friends’ social media…she was barely online herself. But there were other ways to find someone.

The silence was awkward and dragging. Adora pushed on, hoping the story was good enough explanation for the moisture in her eyes. “Me and Glimmer got along _really_ well. But I was still shocked when they offered to take me in. I lived in their house, ate their food. They helped me get on my feet. Got me a bank account, credit card. Helped me study for my GED so I could go to college when Glimmer did. She was still in high school, so I had some time to apply for scholarships and things like that.”

“You’re in college?” Catra asked, a dark cloud growing over her face.

Adora nodded. “Etheria Technological University.”

The cloud got darker. Catra looked away.

“I’m studying wildlife and fisheries,” Adora elaborated, to fill the silence. But also because she actually wanted Catra to know. “Graduating in the spring. I work with the wildlife sanctuary on campus. It’s…pretty great, actually.”

Now Catra’s face had turned an ashy, sickly kind of color. Her hands were tense fists on the table.

“Um. Catra? Are you – ?“

“I’m sorry!” She said shrilly, and then winced at her own voice. Her eyes darted to a stunned Adora, then away again. “I don’t know what to say – I don’t know why you wanted to see me! I don’t get it.”

Silence rang out. Catra breathed heavily, like someone on the verge of vomiting.

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you?” Adora asked quietly.

Catra squirmed, wrapping her arms around her torso. Her lower lip trembled in a way that had Adora halfway out of her seat without a second thought, only to sit back down when she shook her head furiously. All she could do was listen to the deep, gasping breaths, terrified but uncertain what to do.

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed, leaning forward and leaving her hand palm-up in the center of the table. She hadn’t seen Catra cry like this since they were kids. “I don’t want to make you feel like this. Should I go?”

“No!” Catra insisted, which was more than a relief. She hid her face in her hands with a sob. “I called you a s-sinner. You trusted me, and I – “

Her voice was broken and ragged, beyond sorrow. Adora sat frozen. This wasn’t the Catra she remembered. Catra didn’t do… _this._ She was all simmering anger and sarcastic glee around others, and just slightly less caustic towards Adora behind closed doors.

Until the night she told Catra about running away. Then it was like standing in the sights of a ballistic missile.

That memory was a stark reminder of the time that separated them. Adora definitely wasn’t the person she was five years ago. Of course Catra was different, too.

“I know it’s not easy,” Adora said carefully, trying to make her voice soothing. “To let it go. Most of the time, I couldn’t tell what thoughts were _mine_ , and which ones were…programmed. I couldn’t wear pants for six months. And it wasn’t until Glimmer pointed it out that I realized I still wore my hair in the braid every day.”

“I said you _disgusted_ me,” Catra gasped out, face still concealed. Adora wondered if she’d heard anything she just said. “Don’t act like you don’t remember. You never would have r-rejected me like th-that. You never would have s-said those things.”

Adora grasped at straws. She hadn’t expected that they would get _here_ so quickly. In fact, she might have liked a few days of preparing for it. But there she was. Time to rip off the band-aid.

“Catra – “

“All this t-time, I thought about what I might say to you.”

“You don’t have to say anything – “

“And in every scenario, you sent me away. Because it doesn’t make sense that you would forgive me – “

“I never said I forgave you.”

There was a beat, and then Catra lowered her shaking hands. Her eyes were puffy, tears trailing down her darkened cheeks. She looked young, and scared. Maybe things weren’t as different as Adora thought.

She could still get Catra’s attention, anyway.

“I do, though,” she finished. “I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. It was too much effort to be angry.” She turned her face away, chewing on her tongue. “I had scenarios, too. I imagined what I could have said to make you come with me.”

Catra made a noise in the back of her throat, like she was trying to stifle the crying. It sounded painful.

“I – “ Adora sighed. “I’m sorry. I need to know – how long?”

There was some sniffing, and when Catra spoke it was in a high-pitched crack. “Sixteen months.”

Over a year. Had she been this close all that time? They didn’t come to Salem as much as they did back in sophomore year, but it was still a semi-regular thing. At least four trips during the past summer alone. Too many times of _almost._ Too many times of having fun, completely unaware that they were less than a mile apart.

But it also meant Catra had stayed at the church four years longer than Adora. As an adult. An active member. Adora wanted to get there, to a place where they could talk about it. But there was one more thing she had to get out of the way.

In the spirit of the afternoon, she decided to just wing it. Get it over with, because if it was all going to go south there was no point in waiting.

“I understand that you regret the things you said. But…um.” She focused on the window, where wispy clouds baked away in the sunlight. “I’m still a lesbian.”

And weren’t _those_ words an exercise in will. It was terrifying to realize that was who she was, and even scarier to admit to them, out loud, to the person who mattered most. It had gone poorly, to understate things. Opening up to Glimmer been that much harder because of it, and only after careful observation to see what her and her family thought about that sort of thing. They were so loving and accepting of everyone, it didn’t end up mattering.

“That hasn’t changed, and it won’t change,” she said. “I won’t let that kind of close-mindedness back in my life. So if you, um, still think – “

“I don’t,” Catra whispered, shaking her head in Adora’s periphery. “I never did. Not really. I was m-more angry of what it _meant._ If you could tell me something like that, then – then it meant you were really leaving.”

A hand closed over hers. Soft and tentative. Adora exhaled slowly, meeting her watery, earnest gaze.

“I don’t care,” Catra said firmly, wincing again. “I mean – I _do_ care. I don’t mind. Not that it’s something to _mind_ – “

“I get it,” Adora smiled, her heart lifting in a bubble of happiness. Then she laughed again and squeezed Catra’s hand tight. “So…that’s that.”

“It is,” Catra repeated doubtfully, but at least she wasn’t crying anymore. “Closure.”

“Exactly!”

Catra looked down at their hands, then slowly drew hers back. “So we can go on with our lives now.”

Adora found she didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe…you could invite me to your graduation? If you want. It’s probably stupid, and now it sounds like I’m inviting myself so just forget it.” She started talking faster, eyes locked on Linus. “I – It was good to…see you, I guess. I’m glad you’re doing so well, and I’m sorry for breaking down like that. You didn’t have to stay and talk me down – “

“Wait. Wait. You don’t want to see me again?” Adora asked, and then felt like an idiot. Of course Catra didn’t just want things back the way they were. Things had been _bad_ back then. “Oh. That’s okay. I understand.”

“ _I_ want – “ Catra stopped herself with a grimace. “We don’t have to hang around each other just because we have the same trauma. Your life can stay yours, and mine can stay…mine.”

 _But you didn’t tell me anything about your life,_ Adora thought stubbornly. Then she thought about how much it would suck to just walk out of the house and drive back to Etheria. Knowing Catra was right there, and they wouldn’t see each other again.

It would be bad. Maybe even a full-on setback. And right then, she felt _amazing_. Because talking with Catra like this was about the most improbable thing ever, and if _this_ could happen then the world must be a lot more rife with possibility than Adora had ever realized.

She stared at Catra, debating how far she wanted to push her luck. _Band-aid,_ she chanted to herself for courage.

“We can hang around each other because we _want_ to,” she finally hedged, hoping it wasn’t an overstep. “We have that freedom, now. This is the _real world_. No one can stop us.”

Catra opened her mouth, then shut it. Then she smiled. It was a little wobbly, and tears were still on the horizon, but it was a _smile_. “Are you saying you want me in your life?”

Adora heard the teasing edge, but didn’t return it. She was 100% in. “Yeah, I am.”

Catra’s lips pressed together and her smile shook dangerously at the edges. “Oh.”

“We have so much to catch up on! Like, what do you think about TV?”

“TV.” Catra exhaled a little laugh, like she thought Adora was being an idiot but didn’t care enough to make a comment. “It’s pretty cool.”

“Right? Glimmer showed me all these cartoons, and reality shows, and _comedies_. I can’t believe kids just get to sit around and watch that stuff all day.”

“Me, either.”

“And music, too. There’s so many different types – “

“Hey…Adora?”

“Yeah?”

Catra’s smile faded at the edges, into something more anxious. “I think my roommate will be back soon.”

Roommate. Was it that tall woman? Adora bit bit back her questions. Enough band-aid ripping for one day. She felt a little raw.

“Okay. When…when can I see you again?”

Catra smiled again, but now it was a little sheepish. “My schedule is wide open.”

“We’ll figure something out, then.” Adora fumbled for her phone. “Here. You can put in your number.”

______________________________

She had Adora’s phone number. For the rest of the afternoon, she sat in the window with a forgotten book in her lap, staring down at the contact information. No last name. Just _Adora_. And a jumble of numbers that would put them in contact any time they wanted.

Already their conversation was slipping into a dreamlike haze – she struggled to commit it all to memory before her tired brain threw it out. Adora forgave her. Adora wanted them to be _friends._ Not even that – she had treated Catra like they were friends already. Like they’d never stopped.

And Catra very clearly remembered the moment they had stopped _._

Scorpia would be gone a while, on a date. So the excuse she gave to Adora was kind of a lie. The sheer size and strength of her emotions had made her sure there was an attack coming, and she wanted Adora gone. Just in case.

It never came. Instead Catra felt a deep, sincere sense of peace. Her life’s biggest mistake floated away above her. Never completely gone, but maybe less permanent than she thought.

 _Enjoy it now,_ she reminded herself. _It’ll never last._

Heavy footsteps hurried up the stairs just before dark, and Scorpia burst through their door with all the grace of an erupting volcano.

“Wildcat!” She flicked the lights on. Catra blinked hard, adjusting. “Oh, my gosh, did I have a fantastic time.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“We walked on the beach, had some cocktails…” She wedged herself in on the window nook, forcing Catra to draw her knees up to her chest. A salty breeze and some restaurant music ruffled her hair. “Pretty much perfect. How about you? What did you do today?”

Scorpia always asked that, like Catra ever _did_ anything. Except today, she… had. She hit the _back_ button with her thumb, so she could look at the entire list of her contacts. All three names. Only one of which she ever actually texted.

“She came back.” Her voice was embarrassingly happy. She should work on that.

“What?” Scorpia gasped, as shocked as though Catra had gone out and gotten a _MOM_ tattoo.

“Yeah.” Catra waved her phone, trying to make it look like no big deal. “Got a number and everything.”

In a quick lunge, Scorpia snatched it out of her hands, squinting at the screen. Her ‘date clothes’ – a really _bright_ pink button up and dark jeans – seemed specifically designed to make her look like a brawny female Hercules. Catra could only imagine the kind of jacked-up dudes she went out with.

“And?” Scorpia finally asked, handing the phone back over.

Catra heaved a sigh, slumping down as far as she could. “You were right.”

“What was that?”

Either she really hadn’t heard, or she was just rubbing it in. “You were right, okay?”

Scorpia’s eyebrows shot up.

“ _Ughhh,_ ” Catra moaned. “I apologized!”

“Oh!” Scorpia gasped again, and then mauled Catra with a horizontal hug. White-blonde hair tickled her nose. “I’m so proud of you, wildcat! And she…?”

Catra nodded, actually kind of glad Scorpia couldn’t see her face anymore. “We talked and…it was good.”

“So mature,” Scorpia yawned. Two thick arms squeezed Catra tight around the shoulders. “Sounds like we both…had…good days…”

“Are you _sleeping on me?”_ Catra screeched. Scorpia didn’t even budge. Her breathing went slow and deep, nose pressed against Catra’s collarbone. She was going to have permanent spine damage from being pressed into the corner like this.

After another failed attempt at escaping, she relaxed into it, rolling her eyes.

They had hugged, when Adora left. Catra wanted to make up for being weird about the one in the bookstore. Usually she was the one being hugged, violently and without prejudice by her roommate. But that one had been…nice. A simple embrace that healed some of her torn edges.

Adora, Adora, Adora…

A muted buzz traveled through the cushion. Catra froze, then shuffled around for her phone, bending her neck at an odd angle to see the text message over Scorpia’s giant head.

_So, we have a few options._

The text bubble was deep gray, which made the words almost overwhelmingly bright in their whiteness. Below, three little dots said Adora was still typing.

_I have to go visit Glim’s parents with her tomorrow, but I’m free on Monday afternoons._

A third message buzzed in before Catra could even finish taking that in. _There’s a movie theater near the school, or a few museums, or we could go to the beach?_

No more dots. Catra had to answer.

 _I don’t care,_ she typed, then erased it. _Whatever you want._ No, that didn’t work either.

She was texting Adora. It was a really surreal thought. The only person she texted was Scorpia. The only reason she _had_ a phone was because Scorpia wanted to text her all the time while she was away. It just seemed like an emergency type measure until that first message, a year ago, that just said _whole or skim?_

Milk, it was explained to her later. Scorpia was at the store and had wanted Catra’s opinion on _milk._

This conversation was less taxing on her sanity, but only just. She needed to stop thinking and answer. Adora was asking what she wanted to do on Monday. Very simple.

Catra read back over the messages, heart sinking. Two of those options sounded like they’d cost money. And she didn’t have any. The beach was here, so Adora would have to come all the way back to…

Or did she? Come to think of it, Catra had no idea where Etheria University was. It sounded vaguely familiar. Maybe she’d seen it on a map.

A minute later, she remembered that the internet existed. Etheria – forty minutes west. Inland. Well. That was…something. Adora had driven all that way just to _possibly_ see her. She may as well return the favor. And it would have the added benefit of keeping Adora and Scorpia far apart.

 _You said you worked on a sanctuary,_ she typed, pressing send before she lost her nerve. Only, she forgot to proofread, so the message actually read _‘You said you worked on a sanctiary.”_

Sanctiary.

“Idiot,” she hissed to herself, horrified. Scorpia was the one at fault, for making her have to bend her arms so weird. But Adora was already typing again, so Catra didn’t have time to correct herself.

_I didn’t know you liked hiking! Yeah, we can totally do that._

Catra stared at that one for a long time. Hiking. Is that what people did at a sanctuary? Wasn’t it like a zoo?

 _Sounds good,_ she said, finger hovering over the emoji board before deciding against it. Right after hitting send, she realized she didn’t even know how to get to the sanctuary, or where they were meeting or even what time.

Her phone buzzed.

_The address is 566 Silver Street. I’ll be home around four so any time after that works._

Catra frowned. Adora would be _home_ at four? Or she would meet Catra at that address at four? And what did ‘around’ four mean? Her head was starting to hurt just thinking about it. There was a reason she avoided socializing like the plague, and it wasn’t just because opportunities rarely presented themselves.

 _Okay,_ she typed. _I’ll see you then._

It felt more like she should have put a question mark on the end of that.

 _See you then :),_ Adora said.

Not an emoji, but obviously supposed to be a smile. Should she text back? No, the conversation seemed to have ended.

For a ridiculously long time, Catra looked at the smile. Until the breeze coming through the window was too cold and her bladder was complaining.

“Scorpia. Get up.” She pushed at a rock-hard shoulder, earning a soft snore. “ _Please_ get up. You know I can’t move you.”

“Mmmkay…” she breathed, pushing up with sleepy eyes. Catra clicked her phone screen off. “Did you eat dinner?”

“No. Not hungry.”

Scorpia nodded, ruffling Catra’s hair. “I’ll make chicken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of this fic comes from the Generationals' song 'I Turned My Back on the Written Word', from which the main inspiration and theme for this fic originates. The title of this chapter comes from another one of their songs, and they're just generally a good band.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Getting By Without

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though they aren't in this chapter much, Melanie is Mermista and Evelyn is Entrapta. Boy, those names, huh?

Around four. _Around…_ four. Around _four?_

She’d had two days to ponder that and, predictably, she was getting nowhere. Not that the repetition of the phrase was an attempt at solving it. Rather, Catra was determined to torture herself for not having the answer. It seemed way too simple of a thing for her to be so completely stuck on.

Scorpia was no help. “We’ll just go around four,” she said, shrugging it off like, to her, it _was_ simple.

“ _We?”_ Catra balked. It was already _around_ two o’clock, which meant she was almost out of time. The dish she’d been drying clattered to the countertop, along with the damp rag. “ _We_ aren’t doing anything.”

Scorpia looked over from the couch, absently stretching one arm up and over her head. “How were you planning on getting there?”

“A bus.”

“I don’t think buses run from here to there.”

Catra’s blood ran cold. She picked the plate up, and put it back down. Setting it up in its cabinet spot was a lot of work, suddenly. “No. You’re wrong. There’s always buses.”

“Yeah,” Scorpia said. “In _town_ there are. I don’t think they go on the interstate.”

Catra looked down at the sudsy sink, disappointment swirling in her stomach. But also some satisfaction, because she just _knew_ this was going to go wrong.

“What are you doing?” Scorpia called as Catra walked to her bedroom.

“Looking for my phone.”

“ _Why?”_ She asked in a weird, drawn out way. Catra heard her following behind.

Her phone charged on the one exposed outlet by her bed. She picked it up off the floor with mounting dread. What would she say, that something else came up? No. She just said the other say that her schedule was free. Adora would know she was lying. She might think Catra didn’t _want_ to hang out with her.

“Cat?”

“I have to cancel,” Catra murmured, swiping open to the conversation from Saturday and Adora’s last message.

_See you then :)_

The phone disappeared. Scorpia held it high over her head, ignoring Catra’s indignant shrieks. “I said I’ll drive you. What’s the big deal?”

“No!” Catra snapped, trying to get foot leverage on her bed so she could climb up Scorpia’s biceps. It might have worked, but her own useless noodle arms wouldn’t pull her up. Scorpia took two steps to the right, leaving Catra dangling against her side without a foothold. “You drive me, and then what? Just wait until I’m done?”

“No.” She scooped Catra up easily with her non-thieving arm and swung her onto the bed, taking advantage of the short silence while Catra tried to catch her breath. “It’s not that far. I don’t mind. Besides…” She crossed her arms, tapping the phone against her skin guiltily. “I have selfish reasons.”

“You? Selfish?”

“Maybe.” She tried and failed to hide a smile. “I told Phoebe I’d be that way, so we’re gonna hang out while you’re hiking.”

Catra wrinkled her nose. Phoebe wasn’t a name she’d heard before. Or maybe she had. It didn’t matter – Scorpia had a million friends she had never met. It made sense one of them would live near Etheria. Weird she was just hearing about it now, though.

“You swear?” She asked anyway. She wouldn’t put it past Scorpia to make it all up to make her feel better.

“I swear. But even if I wasn’t seeing her, you can ask me any time you need a ride. Unless I’m at work. But I do have some time off saved up, so – “

“Stop!” Catra cried, horrified. “I don’t want to make you my _driver._ What the hell are you even saying?”

Scorpia’s jaw did a thing as she clenched her teeth together. “You never listen to me,” she said, uncharacteristically sharp. It was startling.

Then she paced out of the room.

Before Catra could even sit up, Scorpia was pacing right back in, rolling her shoulders and smiling again. “Whew. Didn’t mean to blow up on you, there. I’m sorry.”

“What,” Catra said.

“The thing is.” Scorpia cocked a hand on her hip, still holding onto Catra’s phone. “You never act like you _want_ to go anywhere, even when I invite you. And I get that – you were hiding from bad people, and now…well, you’re probably a little out of practice. Right?”

 _You think?_ Catra thought with a frown.

“So now that you have somewhere to go, and someone you want to see, I’ll make sure you get there. All you have to do is ask, or I’m not gonna know. ‘Kay?”

Catra rolled her head back to stare at the ceiling, swallowing down against a lump in her throat. “You’re actually insane.”

Something heavy thudded near her ankle. The phone. She grabbed it and stared at the smiley face some more, ignoring how Scorpia was digging through her closet for no discernible reason.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna wear?” Scorpia asked a second later, in a pointed way.

“I’m wearing this.”

“Oh.” She sounded surprised. “How long of a hike is it?”

“Dunno.”

Catra tensed at the sound of judgmental tongue-clicking. “You’ve got no idea what you signed up for.”

“Newsflash, Scorpia.” Catra clicked the phone off and sat up. “I do know how to walk. I’ve had legs for most of my life.”

Scorpia laughed. “Wildcat, you don’t even have tennis shoes.” She frowned in realization, like she couldn’t believe she’d lived this long with someone who didn’t have at least fifty pairs like she did. “Maybe you could borrow – “

“Yours?” She looked down at Scorpia’s enormous feet and snorted. “Not likely.”

“I think Evelyn left a pair here when she stayed that one weekend.” Scorpia rushed off, fishing her phone from her back pocket.

Catra dug her toes into the rug, strangely exhausted.

“Hey, Ev!” Scorpia was saying in the other room. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, that’s fantastic! Hey, do you care if Cat wears these tennis shoes you left behind? She’s going hiking.” There was a short pause. “The purple ones. Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re yours.”

Catra rolled her eyes. Evelyn was the only friend Scorpia had ever invited over for Catra to meet. Of course the shoes were hers.

“I just thought it would be polite to – okay. Sure thing.” After some muffled banging sounds, Scorpia returned holding a battered pair of Nike shoes. Of course they were the perfect size.

“That work for you?”

“I guess,” Catra said. Evelyn, as a friend of Scorpia’s, was predictably weird. But not entirely unlikable. For instance, she never asked personal questions. Ever. All she cared about was using their superior wifi and playing video games with Scorpia.

So wearing the shoes wasn’t really a problem. Catra was just scared that Evelyn might use the leftover foot sweat to clone her or something.

Scorpia was back in the closet. “And you can’t wear jeans.”

“Why not?” Catra was starting to feel kind of stupid, which made her skin prickle. “It’s not that hot out.”

“It’s humid. These’ll work – hey, and they match the shoes!”

She threw over blue leggings, which didn’t match the shoes. Then a white tank top, because apparently even Catra’s white t-shirt was too much.

“That should be fine,” Scorpia said, pleased. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone now.”

“ _Thanks,_ ” Catra said tightly.

At 3:30, they got into Scorpia’s car. It was tiny, and red, and still smelled brand new even though she’d had it since Catra knew her. A few months had passed since her last time in here (the few attempts at driving lessons ended in the mutual agreement that Catra should never be allowed behind the wheel again). The short walk from the back door to the car had left prickling heat on the back of her neck.

“Can you turn the air on?” She asked as Scorpia drove out of the cul-de-sac.

“Air’s on.”

She turned both vents toward her face and sat back, trying to breathe. A pressure was building in her chest, a little like when she’d seen Adora from the window, and decided to go after her. Her body was sending some serious _turn back_ signals. She ignored them, but her heart raced anyway.

Scorpia’s worried voice cut into her meditation. “Are you having a – ?”

“No.” She opened her eyes, the houses turned into a blur of green trees. They were already on the highway. “No.”

_Inhale, exhale._

“Are you nervous?”

Catra threw her a look for even suggesting it because of _course_ that’s what it was. Nerves. And recognizing them only made it worse. What if she had an attack while they were hiking? What if there were a bunch of people there and they all saw and Adora was so embarrassed she didn’t want to invite Catra to do anything every again?

“We’re almost there,” Scorpia said, what felt like two seconds later. Catra’s eyes shot open again. Forty minutes had never moved so quickly. “Wanna stop and sit for a minute?”

“What?”

“There’s gotta be a restaurant or something. Wendy’s, maybe.”

They drove past a white building, the only one for the last several minutes on this road. It was probably a church, though any signage or decoration that marked it as such were long gone. One of the two front facing doors was painted a pale, chipped pink. The other one had been kicked open so the vines could crawl inside.

She felt sick. It was exactly 4:00.

“I’m fine,” Catra said, raking her hands through her hair in frustration. She immediately had to check it in the mirror. A losing battle – the humidity made it puffy and obnoxious. Scorpia would have to cut it for her again, soon.

The houses in this town were less ornate than the ones in Salem, but the residents made up for it by painting them in greens and blinding yellows. No Wendy’s, but there was a general store. Scorpia drove past without comment.

“How much farther?”

“Almost there,” Scorpia said patiently. Catra could have just looked at the GPS, sitting on the dashboard phone-holder thing, but she chose not to.

They took one more left turn, and instead of another street of spaced-out houses there were two long rows of super ugly apartments. All stuck together and too new-looking with cars parked in front. “Is this it?”

“Yep.”

“Are you sure?”

The car slowed to a crawl as Scorpia pulled her phone free, turning the screen so Catra could see that their little blue dot was indeed on Silver Street. “Did she give you the apartment number?”

“No.”

Scorpia slowed down even more. They both looked around at nothing. Adora had been in a tan car, Catra remembered. Or was it white? There were several of both.

“Oh, my God, Scorpia. I don’t know what to do!”

“Call her?” Scorpia advised.

“Oh. Okay.”

Catra had to wipe her palms on her shirt before picking up her phone and holding it to her ear. It rang. Scorpia reached the end of the row and made a u-turn. It rang again.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Adora.” A little of the panic ebbed away at the sound of her voice. “I’m here, I think, and I can’t tell which one is yours.”

“Oh, my bad,” Adora said brightly. “I live in M2. I can come out and wave – “

“No. Don’t. I see it. Bye.” Catra hung up. “Stop here.”

Scorpia stopped, giving her a curious look. M was two buildings away.

“It’s okay. I’ll just walk.”

“You’re being weird,” Scorpia pointed out.

“I – “ Catra exhaled slowly. “I don’t want her to know I can’t drive.”

“Why?”

“I’ll explain later.”

“Hey,” Scorpia said when she started to open the door. “We can go home if you’re having second thoughts. Phoebe will understand.”

“Stop worrying about me,” Catra chided, hand gripping the door. But something stopped her, kept her from getting out.

For all Scorpia knew, Catra hadn’t talked to anyone but her, Evelyn, and random retail employees in at least a year. Maybe worry was a rational response.

“Thank you,” she said, awkward in her sincerity. Scorpia’s eyes were shining when she finally looked over.

“You don’t need to thank me.”

Adora would probably come looking for her soon. “What time will you be ready to go?”

“Whenever. It’s not a whole thing.”

“Mmhm.” Catra got to her feet, leaning down with a smile she hoped looked confident. “Have fun.”

“You, too!”

It was only about fifty feet to the door. Catra checked her pocket five times, convinced she’d left her phone in the car. M5, four, three, and two. The door had a wreath of fake sunflowers, and a little heart shaped mat in front of the door that read _welcome._

She took a deep breath, taking a half-second to appreciate the situation. For the first time in a year, she was on her own in a place that wasn’t their apartment. No Scorpia. And it wasn’t like she’d driven herself there, or that she wasn’t meeting someone else, but it was something.

Wasn’t it?

There was no doorbell, so Catra had to knock. Her fist hit the wood solidly three times. In the following silence, her nerves spiked, and she had just enough time to clasp her hands behind her back before the door swung open.

It was Adora, not the roommate. Thank God. And Catra was definitely going to have to do something nice for Scorpia later, because Adora wasn’t wearing jeans. Not even close.

Biker shorts – Catra only knew because Scorpia had a few pairs – clung to her thighs, a light gray color that matched her cropped top. The shirt was tight, too. And sleeveless. The whole effect made Adora look kind of _buff_. And it meant a lot that Catra could even _think_ that, as someone who lived with Scorpia.

She’d always been long and thin, but on top of everything else that, too, had changed. Now she looked filled out. Fully grown. Corded muscle lined her arms, and her _thighs_ –

“Hey!” Adora said, with a smile that struck Catra dumb. “Sorry, I just had to shower after work.”

She pulled her wet ponytail through her hand as she moved to the side. Catra hadn’t even noticed her hair wasn’t dry.

“Come in!”

Catra came in. It was decidedly nicer inside. More homey. The first thing that got her attention were the plants all over the living room. One big one in a pot by the window, and smaller ones on every flat surface. Leaves of all shapes and sizes shuffled gently together. None of the furniture pieces matched – not even the pillows on the sofa. Overall, it was chaotic. In a nice way.

Next was the smell. Fresh baked cookies, with a hint of lemon. She didn’t think there had actually been any baking that day; it was just an amalgamation of everything in the room (which, judging by the amount of unlit candles, was a lot). There were pictures all over of Adora and a girl with pink hair.

Adora went over to the couch, grabbing a small backpack and swinging over a shoulder. “How was the rest of your weekend?”

The question was innocent of any deeper meaning. Almost too mundane for Catra to wrap her mind around. Adora was just _asking?_ “Good,” she answered, though she really couldn’t recall a single detail of her Sunday afternoon. “What about you?”

She didn’t think she did as good of a job at sounding normal.

“Long,” Adora said, doing a busy little turn until she saw her keys on the coffee table. With everything she apparently needed, she turned her full attention on Catra again. “You can look around, if you want.”

“No, that’s okay,” Catra said quickly.

Adora’s eyes fell to her feet. “I like your shoes.”

“Thanks.”

Well, this was going amazingly. Catra hadn’t said ten words, and already her foot was firmly in her mouth. Adora gave her an unreadable look, the smile on her lips only lingering like an afterthought. “Ready?”

Catra nodded eagerly, spinning and opening the door again. The open sky made her feel less suffocated by her own lunacy.

“Where did you park?” Adora asked.

The space next to the tan car was conspicuously empty. “Over there,” Catra said, waving in the general direction of _there._ Adora followed the movement with her eyes.

“Okay. You didn’t park on a numbered spot, did you?”

Catra shook her head and ducked into the passenger seat. After a second, Adora climbed in next to her. The car felt bigger than Scorpia’s. Bigger and older by at least a decade. It only smelled like heat and sweat. Catra silently hoped she wasn’t smelling herself.

“So,” Adora said, starting the car. The engine caught and then spluttered to life. Instead of the radio cutting on, Adora plugged a long black cord into her phone and started swiping. “Where are you on music?”

“Where…am I _?”_

The air blowing through the vents was weak, so Adora rolled down all the windows, still holding her phone with one hand. “There’s so many different kinds, right? I didn’t know what to think. Bow likes stuff from the seventies, and Glimmer likes pop. I’ve been trying to listen to some of everything.”

“I don’t really listen to…” Catra’s first instinct was to avoid the question, but for some reason her mouth opened and answered another one entirely. “I was in the choir.”

Adora’s finger stopped tapping. She didn’t look up until Catra had counted to five in her head. Whatever expression had been there before was replaced by a very serious and genuine understanding. Adora knew exactly what she meant. There was no need to explain _why_ it was so terrible.

Abruptly, Adora turned forward and put the car in reverse. Without saying anything. And it all turned sour.

Catra closed her eyes tight – she shouldn’t have said anything. Adora was probably angry with her, or just plain disgusted. Yeah, she understood. Better than anyone, she understood exactly how low you had to be to join the _choir,_ of all things. Now they were trapped in a car together.

Just as the rioting thoughts were really hitting their stride, Adora reached over.

Her skin was warm against Catra’s, squeezing lightly as she pulled their hands to sit entwined on the center console. White hot shock stilled the chaos in Catra’s brain until there was only a far off unease. Nothing had been able to do that. Not breathing techniques, or Scorpia’s voice, or quitting caffeine. Her mind had never been so still.

She returned the pressure with a light squeeze, in awe of the effect. When she chanced a glance over, Adora’s expression surprised her. The touch of their hands was gentle and reassuring, but her jaw was tight, eyebrows knotted together like she was deep in thought. Her thumb brushed over Catra’s knuckles again and again.

_“We need to talk.”_

_Adora was sitting on Catra’s bed, feet drawn up. Her braid was untidy, like she’d been messing with her hair._

_“Talk?” Catra stepped out of her slippers, hair dripping down her back from the shower and skin tingling._

_She tried to stand behind Adora and re-fix her hair, but her hands were slapped away. She turned, and Catra saw that her eyes were puffy and tinged with red._

_Catra sank down next to her, hands closing into fists. “What is it?”_

_Adora stared blankly at nothing. Terror made Catra shiver. Why wouldn’t she look at her? Had she gotten in trouble for something? Adora never got in trouble. Maybe Rachel was being horrible again._ “ _Or should I ask_ who?”

_“Nobody. Just me.” Adora took a big gasping breath and took both of Catra’s hands, raising them to her cheeks. Fresh tears beaded up in her eyelashes. Adora never cried. “Catra, I have to tell you something. Something big.”_

Catra looked away from their hands, blinking. It was quiet. Too quiet. She didn’t mean that Adora _couldn’t_ play music. Just that she had no preference in it. Now Adora was scared to play music around her. She glared out the window, furious with herself. She had to do better than this.

Past her reflection, some pretty-looking brick buildings faced a glassy lake. People walked up and down the sides of the street, most with backpacks. “This is your school?”

“It is.” Adora was still kind of glaring at the distance, but at the question she came back to herself and looked around. “East side.”

“It’s not like the movies,” Catra noted. Because every one of those movies Scorpia made her watch involved someone at a college with grand, fantastically old and beautiful buildings. These were boxier and weathered. No marble columns in sight.

“No,” Adora chuckled. “I bet you’re thinking of Harvard. It’s actually only a few hours South of here. In Cambridge.”

“Have you been there?” Catra knew what Harvard was, obviously. She even knew it was in Massachusetts.

“Yeah,” Adora said. Someone on a skateboard crossed the street right in front of them. She didn’t even slow down. “But Boston University is prettier, I think.”

“Where else have you been?”

Adora looked over with a tense frown. Her thumb moved over Catra’s hand again. “I left the state for the first time last summer, before junior year. Glim’s family goes to this place in Tennessee called Gatlinburg. It’s in the mountains, and everything is really foggy and green and beautiful.”

She had to make a right hand turn, which she managed to do with one hand even though it clearly took some effort. Catra thought it would be easier if they stopped holding hands, but she wasn’t going to be the first one to pull away.

By her abysmal since of direction, the turn should have plunged them right into the lake. Instead, it put them on a thickly lined path of trees. Sunlight dappled on the windshield.

“People rent cabins there,” Adora said. “Big log houses on stilts so you can go on the porch and look straight down over the mountain. We made chili and hot dogs and stuff. Oh, and there was a hot tub.”

A hot tub. The thought was _really_ appealing. The closest she’d ever been to something that good was an attempted bath in the tube at her and Scorpia’s apartment, which wasn’t deep enough. And there wasn’t enough hot water, so it had been like a…cold tub.

Still better than tiny shower stalls and bar soap that burned her skin.

“This is it,” Adora announced, swiveling into a nearly-hidden parking lot hidden in the trees. This time she did put both hands to the wheel, leaving Catra’s cold and exposed. “It’s technically campus parking, so it’s always full during the week. But _I_ – “ she tapped a plastic card hanging from the rear-view window, making it swing. “ – work here. So I get a guaranteed spot.”

She pulled into a spot numbered _3_ and turned the car off, smiling with pride until she saw Catra’s face. “What?”

“You _work_ here,” Catra groaned, smacking a palm to her forehead. “You took a shower after work, you said.”

“Well, it gets pretty muggy out here.”

“I didn’t mean to make you come right back! We can go somewhere else – “

Adora laughed. “Get out of the car, Catra.”

The nickname fell so easily, an admonishment and an endearment all at once. She pushed her door open and stepped out, tucking her cell phone into her waistband.

“I really didn’t think – “ She tried again.

“I like it here.” Adora nodded toward the sidewalk. “Trail starts just through the trees.”

Tall bushes had grown over the path, so Catra had to walk shoulder to shoulder to Adora to keep the leaves from brushing her ankles. To their left was the way back to campus. Adora went right, steering Catra along as she did so. The road next to them became too narrow for a car.

“The offices are just up here.” Adora sped up, pointing out a one story brick building that blended into the trees almost exactly. It was the boxiest building yet, and looked every bit an office space.

“You work in there?”

“Only if it’s necessary.” They didn’t stop to go inside. Way ahead, two guys jogged out of sight. A group of four people walked towards Adora and Catra, laughing and shoving each other leisurely. “I prefer to stay outside. There’s always something going on; fertilizer that needs to be changed, enclosures to check, bridges to hammer on. Time goes by a lot faster that way. My boss lets me do all the paperwork at home so I don’t have to sit at the desk. The computer sucks, and I did my time, anyway, back in freshman year.”

It was a lot of information, and also sounded nothing like what Catra would call a ‘job’. Adora’s whole face lit up, though. “What kind of paperwork?”

Adora looked surprised to be asked. “I’m an intern this year, so that means I have to write this big thesis paper before I graduate. But I’ve worked here since I was a freshman, so I guess I know what I’m doing. Cassandra can kind of delegate stuff to me when she needs to. Let’s see, what else… I catalogue everything I do, every repair we make…um…I wrote a few proposals to the state department. I’m boring you.”

“You’re not,” Catra said, and meant it. “Where do you keep the animals?” She had been looking straight up at the thick canopy of leaves, so when the pavement turned into dirt without warning she tripped sideways.

“Careful!” Adora laughed, catching her by the shoulders. Catra was able to steady herself, but Adora didn’t let go right away, like she didn’t trust her not to fall again. “So. Tell me about your roommate.”

Catra was so focused on the hand on her back she almost answered. “I asked first,” she teased, stepping away.

“Sorry. I forgot what you said.”

“Where are the animals?”

Adora waved her hands toward the air. “All around.”

Catra eyed her, but also eyed the ground so she didn’t trip again. “I don’t see any.”

“Maybe not here. Once we get further in you can see more.”

Further in. Catra glanced over one shoulder. They were walking so fast she couldn’t even see the building anymore. The trees got taller and skinnier, green and orange while the thicker underbrush trailed emerald leaves over the dirt trail. It was nice to look at, but the thought of any of it touching her was bad. She’d watched a documentary about little wormy things that lived on the bottoms of leaves.

Adora went quiet, so Catra followed suit. The path branched a few times, them always following the incline until she was having trouble breathing and her calves burned. Sweat collected at unprecedented rates in her armpits and lower back. It was gross.

Dead foliage crunched under their feet, loud and intrusive. Adora didn’t look at all bothered by the heat or the climb, but she had the semi-angry stare again. Another group of people waved as they passed.

“Oh, oh, oh,” Adora intoned out of nowhere, ducking close. Catra nearly took off running, thinking a snake must be chasing them.

_“What?”_

“Be quiet,” a voice whispered, right in her ear. Adora was pressed up behind her, gently turning her body toward the tree line on the other side of the trail. “Up there.”

Catra looked up. “Trees.”

Adora chuckled, pointing one finger up. Like that helped. “See that bird?”

It took a minute, but Catra detected a splash of red against all the brown and green. “I see it.”

“That’s a red-bellied woodpecker. They’re super rare this time of year. Here,” she gave a little push. “Keep going. Don’t disturb it.”

They walked for a little bit more before Catra felt like she could speak. “Was _that_ the wildlife?”

“Yes,” Adora said, amused. “It’s not a zoo.”

“I know that.”

Adora explained anyway. “It’s a sanctuary. So our job is to…maintain the land. Make sure the animals that live here can stay here. And come back when they need to.”

Catra felt like she was missing something. Why not just have a zoo? “And you know the name of every bird that lives here.”

“Most of them,” Adora said, without humility. “The birders are always asking questions, so I did my best to memorize everything I could. But it’s not just birds! We have turtles, frogs, salamanders, snakes, rabbits, squirrels…it’s an entire ecosystem. I won’t even get started on the aquatic life…”

She stopped twice more to point out to birds with nonsensical names, like the Scarlet Tanager (it was green) and a Northern Flicker. Catra remembered the birds that always sang outside their window at the Church. She _hated_ their shrill beeps and whistles. These weren’t so bad. They could keep a rhythm, at the very least.

Adora stopped talking as they approached a bridge. “Lonnie?”

She broke into a jog. Catra gladly lagged behind, catching her breath as discreetly as possible.

“Did it break again?” Adora asked, leaning over the small ravine where a creek flowed through. There was a person down there, balanced on dry rocks over the moving water. She had dark skin and corn-rows in her hair – Catra only knew what they were called because Scorpia had tried (and failed) to do something similar to her hair when it was longer

“What are you doing here?” The girl asked, shielding her eyes from the sun to smile up at Catra. “Who’s this?”

“A friend,” Adora said offhandedly, hopping down to join her. “What’s the problem?”

Catra didn’t know what to do, so she walked closer to the edge and crouched to see what they were doing. A beam of wood crossed diagonally from the post up to the supporting beams, maybe four feet long. It had four places for nails to go, but one of them was empty.

“I got it here,” Lonnie said, holding up a shining nail. “Wood splintered since this morning.”

She started to say something else, then caught Adora’s eye and gave a long suffering sigh. “Would you like to do the honors, Adora?”

“If you insist!” Adora took the hammer with a gleeful humming sound, examining the nail in the sunlight. “We’ll have to replace the whole plank before winter.”

Lonnie and Catra watched as she knelt down and set the nail head against a flat rock. She banged the hammer down on the end of it, then stood up and started driving it into the wood, making a new hole and leaving the other empty. And she made it look _easy._ The muscles in her arm tightened, moving with such quick precision that it was done in three hits.

Catra stood up and moved away from the edge, worried she might lose her balance. It was getting hotter, despite the retreating sun. They could do manual labor on their own time, she was gonna stand in the shade.

She had a text from Scorpia. _Hows it going?_

How _was_ it going? If Catra wasn’t so nervous, she thought she’d be having…fun. Or something like it. Even watching Adora hammering nails was more interesting than sitting at home reading.

But maybe Adora thought she was boring.

 _Fine,_ she messaged back, _you were right about the clothes._

“Okay, looks good,” Adora was saying. Catra heard her hop back up onto the crunchy leaves and stowed her phone away, turning back as Adora helped Lonnie up. “See you in the A.M.”

“Thanks for the help. Bye, Adora’s new friend!” Lonnie waved at her. Catra returned the gesture.

New friend.

“Sorry about that.” Adora started walking again, footsteps thumping over the bridge. Lonnie disappeared back the way they came. “The reason the wood splintered in the first place is because people don’t know what they’re doing.”

“Harsh,” Catra said, impressed. Adora threw her a confused look, then did a double take.

“I didn’t mean Lonnie! No, she’s great. I just should have remembered to look while I was on the clock, so I felt bad. She’s terrified of splinters.”

“You get a lot of those?”

She nodded. “And mosquito bites. And ticks. It’s all part of the job. What about you? Jobs?”

Catra opened her mouth, but only air came out. Adora was really good at flinging unwanted questions where she didn’t notice. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a splinter.”

There was a pause. “You have, actually.” Catra wondered if the sad note in her voice was real or imagined. “When we snuck into the sanctuary while they were refitting the stage.”

The sanctuary. Catra remembered sneaking in there together, whispered voices sucked into quiet of the large room. Always late at night, always hand in hand. It was worth the punishment when they were finally caught. “How old were we?”

“Maybe…thirteen? You really don’t remember?”

Catra didn’t.

“You _freaked_! I thought I was gonna have to tie you down so I could dig it out of your foot.”

It must not have come to that, or Catra would have remembered. “Are you sure that happened? Or do I still have a shard of wood in my body somewhere?”

Adora snorted. “I think you’d know if you did.”

The incline became steeper, and even Adora had a blotch of red over each cheek. But she didn’t slow down, and it was all Catra could do to keep her footsteps even. Breaths came harder and harder, the sweat on her back was getting harder to ignore. The sun beat down from the left, and even though they were in the shade the heat settled in her head and made her feel dizzy. It was really, really not enjoyable.

Adora dragged them off the path once it leveled out, holding brambles out of the way so Catra could see the view of a wide field below them. They weren’t at all as high up as she would have guessed. The gently rolling field was just below them, spreading brown and green to more forest on the other side.

The next stream of water was much bigger. Twenty feet across and loud. Adora had to lean in close so Catra could hear her tirade about the mushrooms that grew at the edge of the spray. She was a genius, Catra realized. She knew about _everything_ , and after a while Catra couldn’t take in any more information so she just enjoyed the sound of her voice.

Adora had always been the more reserved one, before. When she talked, it was with a slow sense of deliberation, like she was thinking through every word. It was why the Committed trusted her so much, put so much stock in her future with them. Catra always stuttered, and said the wrong things.

Some things that were more wrong than others.

Her brain felt like it was banging around her skull with every step. It was very hot, she thought to herself. If there weren’t other people milling around she would think it was _way_ too hot for anyone to be out. She tried desperately to hide it. Her skin obviously didn’t turn pink like Adora’s, but something must have finally given her away.

“You look miserable,” Adora said with a smirk, stopping and leaning against a tree trunk. Apparently she was done talking about tree trunks. “Tired?”

Catra shook her head. That last bit had been downhill, which was somehow worse than going up. If she spoke she knew she’d give herself away.

Adora crossed her arms. “When was the last time you actually exercised?”

Her mind blanked. “Um.”

“I knew you looked skinnier.”

Catra sucked in a breath. Adora didn’t mean anything by that. She didn’t know. Scorpia said it all the time, anyway; that Catra needed more muscle, and at least three meals a day. Since she was the one buying the groceries and doing the cooking, Catra obliged her. The food was always good, but she didn’t have the heart to explain that she’d probably never get the weight back.

“Here.” Adora took her silence as a plea for help, producing a water bottle from her backpack and handing it over. Catra snatched it and started sucking down the warm liquid.

“Oh, my God,” Adora laughed. “You’re _still_ so stubborn.”

“Stubborn?” Catra repeated between gulps.

“Yes. Stubborn.” Adora took the bottle when it was empty, fitting it back into her bag. “We could have turned back a while ago. Did you even eat today?”

“What does that matter?”

“Because you look like you’re about to keel over.” She held out another water, but Catra shook her head. “You hate this, don’t you?”

“No!” She said. Adora raised an eyebrow. “Okay, _maybe_ I underestimated the heat. I’m sorry.”

“Well, I don’t know what you’re apologizing for. But it’s not too much farther, and we’ll join back up with the first trail. Have you not been hiking before?”

She pushed off the tree, waiting for Catra to start walking again.

She couldn’t. She felt rooted to the spot, half-panicking at the thought of going any further. Her head pounded like a drum. “I think I need to sit down.”

Adora stopped smirking and moved away from the tree so Catra could sit and lean against it. She pinched the bridge of her nose, which did nothing to help.

“What’s wrong? Is it your head?” Her voice was close, like she was crouched right next to her. “You didn’t eat anything before this, did you?”

Catra shook her head. “I’m fine. I just need a minute.”

“I didn’t bring any food in here, sorry. Just take deep breaths and – “

“I’m fine!” Catra insisted, pressing her forehead to her knees. Oh, God, this sucked. She couldn’t even go on a simple hike without acting like a freak. If it wasn’t an episode, it was a…whatever this was. “I didn’t want it to go like this.”

There was some shuffling, then a pressure against her leg. Adora’s knee.

“How did you want it to go?” She asked softly. Now their arms were pressed together, and Catra used the once-familiar contact to form an answer.

“Normal. I wanted it to be normal.”

Somebody whizzed by on a bike, then it was quiet. Adora felt very warm, but it wasn’t making things worse. “Well, that’s funny. You’re not acting normal at all.”

Gingerly, Catra turned her head to the side so her cheek rested on her knees. Adora was close, so close her breath huffed over Catra’s shoulder. Her blue eyes were stormy-looking.

“You’re being quiet,” Adora said. “It’s not like you.”

Catra remembered when that was true. Talking to Adora had always been the best part of her day. Easy to say that when every day was exactly the same. It was like a ritual; Adora would listen, running a brush carefully through Catra’s tangles while she leaned dramatically across her lap.

Then Adora left, and she took all of Catra’s secrets with her. There was no one to complain to, and it was disturbing to realize that she had nothing left to say. It was probably what Adora was talking about – Catra should have been moaning about the heat, and the walk, and the sweat.

She didn’t want to be like that anymore.

“And you won’t answer any of my questions,” Adora continued, looking away. “You don’t want to tell me anything about yourself. Why? I thought you wanted to try…”

“I do. I _really_ do. I just don’t know how.”

“Well, I can’t read your mind,” Adora said, a hint of irritation bleeding through. “Am I doing this wrong?”

“No,” Catra laughed weakly, rubbing at her temples. “You couldn’t do anything wrong.”

Adora gave her a weird, angry look, lips parting. Catra heard the double meaning a second later and felt like a moron. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Their knees knocked together as Adora got to her feet. “If I get you out of here, will you talk to me?” She nudged her tennis shoe against Catra’s chin with a stern frown. “ _Really_ talk?”

Catra was so overheated the fear didn’t even register. “Yes,” she said, getting to her feet.

“Uh-uh.” Adora put her hand flat on Catra’s forehead, pushing her back down into a sitting position. Catra blinked in surprise. “Sit.”

She reached in her bag and pulled out a rectangular, boxy machine and pressed a button. Crackly radio sounds burst out of the top. “Lonnie, you still here?”

The answer came in right away. _“For a few minutes. What’cha need?”_

Adora winked at Catra, who felt her heart do something probably medical and dangerous. “I’ve got a hiker with heat exhaustion. Could you come get us?”

______________________________

Catra went very quiet on the golf-cart ride back to the office. She hid her face from the sun by burying it in Adora’s shoulder and mumbled non-words whenever spoken to. It wasn’t too upsetting. Heat exhaustion did make people sluggish, and Catra _did_ have a flair for the dramatic.

Adora made her drink the second water once they were in the car, making sure to drive fast to get some air flowing and also because Catra might decide to throw up and home was the best place for that.

“This has happened to Glimmer,” Adora assured her. “So many times. She’s not a big breakfast person, and always thinks she’s had more water than she actually has.”

Catra turned her face down from the open window, gripping her phone with one hand. Adora watched her swipe it open and then shut it twice before she had to ask.

“I didn’t drive here,” Catra mumbled tonelessly.

“What?”

“My roommate dropped me off. I don’t want to bother her.”

Adora tightened her grip on the wheel, taking a too-sharp turn. They’d only been together maybe an hour and a half, total. And they hadn’t said anything of substance to each other, except for Catra mentioning the choir. That was a good step forward. “Why? You ready to go?”

“…No.” Catra set her phone down. “I’m not.”

“Well, maybe we can try again when it’s cooler out. Why…” She really wanted to know why Catra had lied about driving. It was such a small thing. “Why don’t we…go back to my house. You need to sit in the air conditioning for a while, anyway.”

“Okay,” Catra said in a small voice. Adora called on a reserve of patience. Just because she didn’t understand what Catra’s problem was didn’t mean it wasn’t important and worth waiting out.

“Glimmer will be on campus until later. She’s got studio-time booked.”

That was it. Catra’s face cleared with relief, and she nodded. “Okay,” she said again, sounding less agonized. Adora looked back to the road.

Their kitchen was clean, for once. Adora went straight to the fridge, digging for the last Gatorade bottle. Light blue – a healing color. “Here. It’ll help.”

Catra took it and started drinking in automatic movements. She hung in the doorway, all her weight resting on the jamb with one arm wrapped around her middle. It was such a vulnerable picture Adora’s heart clenched in a remembered fit of concern.

_She’s not mine to take care of anymore._

“It’s _so sweet_ ,” Catra complained, making a face. She sounded more like herself.

Adora smiled in relief. “You should probably eat something, too.”

“No.”

There were some leftovers from whatever Bow and Glimmer had cooked the night before. Adora had been locked in her room trying to get all her schoolwork done so she wouldn’t have to worry about it today. It looked heavy and laden with cheese, though. Maybe not the best thing for an overheated stomach.

“I’m really not hungry,” Catra said again. Adora ignored her, shutting the fridge and looking at the fruit bowl.

“Peach or apple?”

Catra gave a distressed shrug. Adora settled on one of both, balancing the slices on one plate and getting another Gatorade from the fridge. “Come on. Upstairs.”

Without looking to see if she was followed, Adora sprinted up the steps and to her bedroom, using her head start to frantically kick dirty clothes under her bed and pull the quilt over the sheets so it looked… _slightly_ more made.

She heard Catra reach the landing because she was breathing so hard. It was as funny as it was sad. If it were anyone else, Adora would be outright making fun of them.

“You can sit on the chair or the bed,” she instructed, opening her closet and angling herself so Catra couldn’t see the mess within. The fan didn’t want to be wrangled out of the corner. She banged her elbow pretty good, but was satisfied to hear her desk chair creak. “There was this huge storm last summer. Knocked out our power for two days, and it was so disgustingly hot I just bought this and slept naked.”

Catra didn’t respond. She had the chair swiveled toward the desk, looking down at the stack of papers and folders. Adora plugged the fan in behind her and turned it all the way up. White noise filled the room in a crescendo of moving air and machinery. It made the short curls on Catra’s neck flutter.

“Herpetology notes,” Adora explained after looking at what had her attention. “Reptiles.”

She sat on the mattress and crossed her legs. It was plenty cool inside, but the blast of fan air was amazing.

“I don’t know what half of these words mean,” Catra said, turning a page. “I didn’t go to school.”

The way she said it was forced, like she was admitting to something. She sat back and turned the chair toward the bed. The fan caught her hair in full, and the window light made her face and chest glisten with drying sweat. “And I don’t have a driver’s license, or a social security…whatever. I don’t even have a job.”

Adora didn’t understand the thick emotion underlying those words. It bothered her. Catra was always complicated, but this was new. Everything was completely guarded, locked up behind dark eyelashes and freckles. Like she was wearing a mask of her own face. It was jarring, perhaps because Bow and Glimmer were so easy to read.

With a jolt, Adora wondered if Catra wasn’t feeling the exact same way about her. Like their former closeness had blinded them to the now. They were both looking for someone that didn’t exist.

“Tell me more,” she requested. Catra turned her face toward the fan, eyes closing as she took a deep breath.

“That’s all, Adora. I haven’t…done anything.”

“ _Done_ anything?” Adora said, incredulous. Catra opened one eye, face all pinched like she was expecting something bad. “You said it’s only been a year, right?”

“Sixteen months.” She opened her other eye, fixing Adora with a curious look. “’Only’? It sounds like you had it all figured out after that long.”

Adora laughed darkly. “I don’t think I have it _all_ figured out. I don’t know _anything_.”

Catra’s brow furrowed. “You have everything.”

“Did you think I would judge you, or something? Just because you made different choices than I did?” Catra’s face twitched, confirming it. Adora bit back sour guilt. “I only got this far because of people who supported me, and…and helped me. You’re not wrong for _not_ being in college. I don’t think very many people in our situation would.”

Then, because Catra looked very uncomfortable, Adora leaned back and crossed her arms under her head. The lack of eye contact had worked in the car, at least. “Who do you have?”

The liquid in the Gatorade bottle swished around as Catra took a sip. “My roommate.”

Adora nodded. “Was that the person you were with? Last Monday?”

“Yeah. Her name is Scorpia.” She stumbled over the name, like she didn’t quite want to say it. Adora smiled inwardly – and she wanted to make fun of _Glimmer’s_ name? “It’s a weird story. Like, it’ll sound weird.”

“I’m all ears,” Adora said, flashing her a smile before turning her gaze back up.

“Okay.” Adora felt Catra stare at her for a beat, then she cleared her throat. “I met her outside of a nightclub. In New Hampshire. She was super nice to me, asked all these questions, and basically forced me into moving in with her.”

Adora sat up. This was what she’d been scared of. “ _Forced_ you?”

Catra made a worried face. “Not really. She was just… _really_ nice. The kind of person that really wants to help everybody. I thought it was shady, believe me, but you just have to meet her to understand. She had just gotten this crazy apartment in Salem, and it was supposed to be just her but she had this extra space where I could live, and…”

She faltered under Adora’s expression. “What?”

“That’s – “ There weren’t even words. Adora was _angry._ Suddenly and without explanation, her heart pounded and heat flashed in her chest. “You just _went_ with her?”

“It was better than being homeless,” Catra said quietly, still smiling. “And it turned out fine.”

“No. _No_.” Adora wasn’t sure what she was disagreeing with, exactly. “That’s about the most reckless thing I’ve ever heard. You were homeless. You could have – why didn’t you just – ?”

“I didn’t leave to go looking for you.” Catra’s smile had turned into more of a rictus, holding her lips wide while her eyes remained blank. “I left for me.”

All of the anger bled out of Adora’s chest. She slumped back on to the pillow, ignoring the odd pang of betrayal that didn’t belong.

“So.” Catra stared down at the Gatorade bottle, screwing the lid on and off in tiny movements. “Have you heard enough?”

“Not even close.” Adora rolled to her side, not caring that her sweat was getting all over the blanket. “You go to nightclubs?”

She tried to picture it, Catra dressed in something that wasn’t the uniform or this new, breezy sporty thing she had going on. A black dress, maybe. Red lipstick and smudged eyeliner, a drink hanging from one hand. It didn’t work. Her brain couldn’t conjure the image.

Catra seemed to be doing the same, staring off into the distance with a thoughtful frown. “No, I don’t,” she said. “Her family’s rich.”

It sounded like another deflection, but Adora allowed it. “Who?”

“Scorpia. I mean, like, _really_ rich. Maybe even famous.”

“What are their names?”

Catra frowned harder. “Ursa? And… I can’t remember her other mom’s name.”

Two moms? That was pretty cool. “Last name?”

Her contrasting eyes narrowed in thought, then widened. Adora felt her mouth fall open in disbelief.

“You don’t know her _last name?”_

“It never came up!” Catra cried, drawing her feet up in front of her. “Or I forgot. Don’t yell at me.”

Adora draped a hand over her face. “Catra…”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Catra barreled on. “The apartment, my phone, spending money…she just gives it all to me. At first, you know, I figured she must just be _really_ lonely. Because she never asked me for anything. So I started…cleaning all the time, after meals and stuff, and she would tell me I didn’t have to, but I figured it was the least I could do. Now, though, I know she’s just…insane.”

Adora nodded, unwilling to interrupt the flow of speech.

“She’s, like, a _good person._ Not someone who chooses the right thing – it’s like the wrong thing never even occurs to her. She’s just…good. I know it can’t last forever. And it’s not like I don’t _want_ to work…It’s, um.

“I know what you mean,” Adora said, sensing she may need some help. “The driver’s license? It means they can find you, if they really want. I went through the same dilemma, but they never actually came looking, so.”

Catra’s face went stony and a little pale. Adora chewed her cheek, waiting. Catra obviously knew inside information about that – she’d been there through the whole aftermath. Adora didn’t want to ask directly, though. It felt selfish.

“They looked for me,” Catra whispered, surprising her.

And that kind of changed things. It was something Adora could imagine pushing her into living with a total stranger (especially a huge, muscular stranger who was nice to her and could protect her) just so she could stay off the streets. Because if the Church scouts found you in that kind of position, there was almost no way you weren’t going right back with them.

Adora shifted toward the wall, holding one arm up in silent invitation. It was muscle memory – Catra was in pain, so Adora would help.

For a terrifying second, she thought Catra wouldn’t do anything. Then she did, standing from the chair only to lie down on her side, pressing her back to Adora’s front. Just like when they were kids. And then when they were older, too. And now. Something felt completed, satisfied.

Adora rested an arm lightly over her side, finding her hand and squeezing. Right away, Catra relaxed, sinking back against her and winding their fingers together with a sigh. Her hair, curls pressed up against Adora’s chin, smelled like sunshine and grass and something sweet.

This, the two of them wound together, was easier than the talking. Talking wasn’t going so great. Adora kept pushing for information and immediately feeling guilty when she got it. The barriers between them were all…verbal? Emotional? Whatever it was, it wasn’t physical.

“They planned on you staying,” Catra said. “Obviously. You were going to be a superior.”

Adora’s blood turned to ice. “What?”

“Yeah. As soon as you turned eighteen.”

Two parts of her brain spun simultaneously; one that shuddered at the thought of how that could have been her life, and a sicker one that recognized what an honor it was. As a whole, she was scared to hear what Catra was getting at.

“You mean you – “

Catra squeezed her hand with bruising force, nodding a little. Adora pulled her arm in reflexively. “No postulancy?”

“None,” Catra said with disgust. Then, much softer. “I committed five months after you left.”

She held Adora tighter as she said that, drawing their latched hands to her sternum like she didn’t want to be let go. Adora pushed her nose into the crown of her head, willing back tears. That was the information she wanted. She just wasn’t prepared for how much it hurt.

Committing wasn’t a job. It was an indoctrination. Catra had committed to something soley designed to shatter inner self and replace it with something soulless and dead. That’s what was so different about her, at least in part. They had gotten into her head.

“What did they do?” She asked. A far off little voice in the back of her conscience told her not to sound so angry, because clearly it made Catra skittish. But she didn’t feel like listening. “What did they do to you?”

“Adora…” Catra’s voice was less than a whisper. The fan covered it up, and Adora had to listen through the contact of their skin. “When you left, I – “

“ – Show you my mock up before I – _Oh!_ Uh…UH!”

If Glimmer’s strident yelling hadn’t scared the bajeezus out of them, the door slamming open unannounced definitely would. Catra yelped, her elbow shooting into Adora’s solar plexus as she scrambled to sit up.

Glimmer had big eyes, staring at Catra with complete shock. Adora fixed her with a warning glare as she sat up. How had this even happened? The front door opening practically shook the foundations of the cheaply-built structure…

…Unless the fan was louder. Damn it. That’s why she hadn’t heard.

“Sorry!” Glimmer said, still standing there. “I didn’t – agh!”

“Calm down,” Adora snapped, holding out one hand for peace while she fought with the fan. “Don’t move!”

Glimmer stopped in her quick retreat, holding her sketchbook nervously under one arm. There was a smudge of charcoal on her cheek. Adora looked quickly at Catra, apologizing with her eyes. Catra gave her an indecipherable look.

“Hi.” Glimmer’s eyes darted between the two of them nervously. “Nice to meet you.”

Her voice was still wobbly, like she’d just been smacked. Catra, for her part, no longer looked like a startled mouse. She leaned back against the headboard, arms crossed leisurely.

“You must be Sparkles.”

Adora almost laughed. Almost.

“Um.” Glimmer narrowed her eyes at Adora. “Glimmer. It’s Glimmer. Adora said your name was…Catrina?”

“Cat,” Catra corrected harshly, glancing at Adora. “Just Cat.”

“S-Sorry.”

“I thought you were…” Adora trailed off, shaking her head. Clearly, Glimmer was not at the studio. “Is Bow here?”

“Not yet,” she said, with odd inflection, backing toward the door. “I’ll just – ah.”

Without the fan blasting, they could hear in perfect detail how her footsteps ran across the hall and to her room. Adora and Catra looked at each other for a second before smiling in mutual embarrassment.

“I was trying to make a joke,” Catra murmured. Adora did laugh, then.

“I know that. Don’t worry about it.” She’d have to explain Catra’s sense of humor to Glimmer. “I guess I should start calling you Cat, now, huh? I’m sorry, I didn’t even think – “

“Catra works, too,” she said quietly, expression softening. “I feel better.”

She might have been talking about the heat exhaustion, but Adora didn’t think so.

“Me, too,” she said, shifting to lean back against the wall. “So. Scorpia. She’s your…friend?”

“…Yes,” Catra said slowly, like she didn’t know what Adora was getting at. “She is.”

“And you…feel safe? Going back with her? Because you don’t have to – “

“I trust her,” Catra said, with sudden venom. Adora blinked. “I managed to survive five years without you, Adora. I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t – I wasn’t trying to – “

“Yeah.” Catra met her gaze, nostrils flared. “Like I said, I know it sounds crazy. But she’s…a really good friend.”

She added that last part almost begrudgingly, and Adora knew it was true.

“I just have to say this,” she tested. Catra waited with barely concealed tension. “I know you didn’t look for me. But you could have. And I would have been there. Just so you know.”

Catra surveyed her for a minute, oddly intense. “I know that.” She blinked and look away. Adora could see the careful machinations of her putting a happy expression back together. “Can we talk about something else, now?”

Adora nodded, submitting to the charade. Baby steps.

“Okay,” Catra breathed, then smiled, reaching over for the bowl of fruit. “What the hell is a mock-up?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had a good time writing it and it helped take my mind off of the current state of things. However, so many people don't have the luxury of distraction right now and we still need to do our part to help. Something as simple as signing petitions can make a difference, and if you haven't done so it's very simple and takes less time than you spent reading this chapter. Black Lives Matter and Black Trans Lives Matter. If you disagree with either of these statements or feel the need to qualify them with stupid remarks, then this fic is NOT for you, my OTHER fics are not for you, and She-Ra is not for you. Thanks :)
> 
> Link to petitions that haven't met their goal: https://t.co/hMBJ9bu2MV?amp=1
> 
> Link to the Homeless Black Trans Women Fund: https://t.co/fEfhptxJpV?amp=1


	4. Blueberry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for some references to abuse by sleep deprivation.

Since Monday and the hiking attempt, she and Catra texted all the time. Just about little things, pieces of their days. Catra was vague more often than not, but at least she was really skillful at it and always answered within a minute. Adora could almost pretend she didn’t know she was being placated. As the week went by, with the usual flurry of schoolwork and real work and roommate shenanigans, she gathered a few interesting pieces of information.

Catra liked to read. She never said exactly what, just that it was what she was doing at any given time Adora asked. Reading, or cleaning. The fact that she seemed to be the designated cleaner of her apartment was concerning. Like she only got the free rent and food by acting as a glorified maid. At least, that was what Adora would think if she didn’t _completely_ understand.

Cleaning had been a big part of the work in their childhood. Everything needed to be pure before it could be considered holy. Adora had long accepted her natural inclination to messiness, but dirty dishes and scum in the bathtub still made her anxious. Sometimes she would just go nuts and deep clean like a motherfucker. Serious, eight or ten hour binges of scrubbing the apartment from top to bottom. Glimmer was terrified by it.

Adora wasn’t a big texter, on principle. She would rather call somebody if she needed something, which, as she had found out, most people her age actively hated. Catra might be the only other twenty something who preferred voice-calls. But Adora didn’t call her. If she did, then it would be an all at once kind of thing, and she was having a lot of fun with the all-day, sporadic messaging. It felt like having a tiny Catra in her pocket all the time.

Adora told her about school. What she ate, how things were at the sanctuary, pictures of the duck eggs in their incubator. Adora still held out hope that if she tried hard enough she could get Catra back out there when the fall set in.

The medium of text wasn’t great for translating Catra’s dry wit. But she _was_ funny, in such specific ways that several times Adora leaned over to show Glimmer something she’d said before realizing that it just wouldn’t translate. She wouldn’t be able to hear it in Catra’s voice like Adora could. And the line between funny and mean was very thin.

Information about the roommate was very slow-going and mostly anecdotal. Things like _Scorpia just got home,_ or _She thinks her clam chowder is really good and I’ve never been able to tell her it’s gross._

Adora would send back things like _you need to go to Boston for good chowder,_ and _Our kitchen is covered in woodchips. Splinters imminent._

Glimmer had gone through three ‘final’ mockups before Friday, deciding on a blocky portrait of Etheria’s campus rooftops, shapes given in relief and strong lines. It was creative and deceptively simple, like everything Glimmer did. She made it look easy, but whenever Adora tried to so much as sketch a fern or a tree it came out like something a five year old with a crayon drew. The last step in printmaking was taking an expensive-looking gouging knife to a block of wood and carving it out meticulously for hours on end. Hence, the woodchips.

The back and forth was easy, which was a lot more than she could have hoped for a week previous. They’d cleared the worst of the rubble, and though the path wasn’t totally safe it didn’t seem like they’d break any ankles treading it. Sharp, personal stones couldn’t be pried up over text.

A miracle had happened, them ending up so close to each other. But Adora still wished the distance wasn’t so great. It wasn’t feasible to drive forty minutes there and back _every_ day, though she might have if Catra asked her to.

She was still distracted all that week, but it wasn’t like before. She didn’t think herself in circles worrying and doubting. It was more…wondering what Catra was doing. Classes felt like forever when she knew there was a text waiting. After Herpetology Friday, she could hardly believe that that there was one asking to hang out again. Catra said her roommate was going to be in town again on Sunday, meeting a friend.

 _Anyone I know?_ Adora had asked.

_It was a weird name. Penelope, I think._

Adora didn’t know any Penelopes, but she was thrilled. Catra got dropped off again, and finally got to meet Bow. The four of them played board games, Glimmer wasn’t as awkward this time, and it was great. Catra even kicked their asses at _Pandemic._

She left earlier in the night than Adora would have liked, especially without knowing when their next plans would be. And she still didn’t meet Scorpia when she came to pick Catra up – something she couldn’t help but feel was carefully constructed by Catra herself.

She, Glimmer and Bow stayed up late after, eating pizza (the kitchen was still a thick-soled shoes only area). They didn’t talk about Catra too much, but Bow did call her ‘adorable’. Adora wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

Later, in bed, she got a text from Catra.

_Thank you for inviting me. It was fun. Sparkles is ruthless._

_Thanks for coming,_ Adora wrote back. _And you don’t even know. Wait until we play Clue._

Catra didn’t answer, at least until after Adora had drifted to sleep.

______________________________________

“Hey.”

Too early. Adora didn’t know what time, exactly, but it was too early. Glimmer said something else, then prodded her shoulder.

“I don’t have work until nine. Go away.” She burrowed deeper into the blankets, finding a soft spot and almost instantaneously going back to sleep. Tuesdays were for sleeping in.

“Fine,” Glimmer sighed, in a very specific tone that did the rest of the job of waking Adora up. She reached out blindly, finding an elbow so Glimmer couldn’t stand up.

“What is it?” She asked, opening her eyes. It was dark, but sunrise teased at the edges of the curtains. It looked like Glimmer was fully dressed already. “What time is it?”

“Five-thirty.”

“Ew! Why are you even up?”

“Artist's insomnia.”

“And you’re taking it out on me?”

Glimmer turned sideways, crossing her legs. “I’ve got studio time in an hour, then I’ll be at Bow’s tonight. You won’t see me.”

“How are you getting to – “

“Melanie’s picking me up. I bribed her with coffee.”

Adora could smell it. Thick, curling fumes floating upstairs from the kitchen. It only made her sleepier. “I’ll miss you,” she said, yawning.

“So, Sunday was fun.”

“Yeah, it was.” Adora was too tired to be on her guard, but she could still recognize that Glimmer had something on her mind.

“I like her. She reminds me of you, when we first met.”

“What?” Now Adora was really awake.

Glimmer looked uncertain, hands fisting in the fabric of her jacket. “I could tell it was a big deal to be there with all of us. Like she’s still…figuring out who she is. Sanding down the rough edges.”

Of course she would use an art metaphor. Adora didn’t really agree, though. Catra seemed to have a good idea of who she was. Now, if she would just let _Adora_ in on it…

“It’s just…” Glimmer hesitated.

Adora tensed, wondering where this was going. Nothing had happened to make Glimmer dislike Catra. Sure, she was shy, and their first meeting was really a disaster, but that was to be expected. Glimmer was a disastrous sort of person, in a good way.

“I guess I didn’t realize how close you two were.”

“I told you,” Adora said, frowning. “I told you everything.”

“You told me she was a _friend.”_

Adora squeezed her eyes shut, blinking hard once before sitting up. “Yeah? She is.”

Glimmer pursed her lips, clearly worried and trying to look unworried. “I mean, I know she broke your heart, Adora.”

The heart in question twinged in remembrance, though Adora was sure she’d never put it in such… _romantic_ terms. In fact, she was _really_ sure that by the time she opened up to Glimmer about it, enough time had passed for her to be borderline objective. “Your point?”

Glimmer barged on, her voice steely. “Ever since we saw her in Salem, you’ve been acting different. You text each other all the time, and I’m _happy_ you found each other, Adora. I’m _happy_ you’re so happy about it. But I’m - I'm worried.”

“Different. Uh-huh.”

“Kind of, yeah!” Glimmer shot back, crossing her arms. “Until last night, anyway. Last night you were, like, all bubbly and sociable. The rest of the time you've barely spoken to me.”

Adora couldn’t figure out what had Glimmer so irritated, and her first response was to be irritated right back. “You’re _right,_ Glim. I was ‘bubbly’. You should schedule me a doctor’s appointment.”

“Two weeks ago, you were like total strangers. _You_ said that. Then I walked in – “

“Yeah, I thought we talked about that, by the way.” Glimmer had an unfortunate habit of just entering a room without knocking.

“ – And you were _cuddling!_ ” She finished, throwing her hands up. “It just seems like a lot!”

Adora raised her eyebrows. “Are you… _jealous?”_

“N-No!” She stammered, but it sounded like a nerve had been hit.

“Glimmer, _we_ cuddle,” Adora said, throwing an arm around her waist and tugging her down to the empty pillow for emphasis.

“I know that,” she sighed. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

That last part came out in a big rush, and Glimmer sucked in a breathe right after, waiting.

“She’s not just some old high school friend,” Adora said tightly, trying desperately not to lash out. “She’s…she’s _Catra.”_

“It’s…I guess it’s just weird to see you…so…invested.”

Her phrasing was slow and stiff, eyes flickering over Adora’s face nervously. Adora arched her feet, stretching each toe. “What? Are you calling me a bad friend?”

“No!” Glimmer’s face twisted in indecision, a million thoughts showing on her face. “Forget it. Forget I said anything.”

“ _Uh-uh._ You woke me up. Now tell me what you mean.”

“All your friends are…are kind of my friends, too. And you almost never bring girls home, and you _never_ text any of them. All I know about Catra is…well, you care a lot about her. That’s obvious, is all.”

She wasn’t wrong, technically. About any of it. The pieces just didn’t fit together.

“Catra’s not a girlfriend,” Adora giggled. “And none of them – “ She stopped, the laugh fading from her throat. “Well, none of them were…I dunno. We never clicked. I don’t see how that’s related, though.”

Glimmer just stared at her.

“Maybe it’s because my roommate was always barging in here,” Adora said, forcing a smile. “When we were doing much worse things than _cuddling_ , by the way. I’m sure you remember.”

“Sorry!” Glimmer said, covering her eyes with one hand in automatic recoil at the memories. “I don’t _mean_ to! You’re just so quiet – !”

“Not that quiet,” Adora muttered, feeling a blush coming on. “Anyway, it’s not…that…with Catra. Obviously. It’s like with you.”

Slowly, Glimmer lowered her hand. “Like with me?” She asked incredulously.

“Kind of.”

There was more light coming through the window, now. Enough to see a familiar gleam in Glimmer's big eyes. “Kind of."

“Stop _repeating_ me,” Adora said, punctuating with a jab to her adopted sister’s cushioned stomach. Glimmer made a noise equal parts outraged and entertained. “God, why do I even _bother?”_

Her laughter turned to shrieks when Glimmer tickled back, her anger at being woken up so early forgotten as they wrestled around, each trying desperately for the upper hand. Adora was bigger and stronger, but Glimmer fought _dirty,_ finding the soft spot beneath Adora's ribcage and digging her fingers in before Adora could pin her arms.

“ _OW!”_ Adora shouted. She lost her knee leverage and toppled to the side.

Glimmer didn’t even gloat. She turned her head to stare, breathing hard. “So she’s like a sister to you? That’s what you’re saying?”

“Sure,” Adora sighed, rolling to her back and kicking the remaining blankets from her calves. “Like a – yeah.”

Glimmer was suspiciously quiet. Then, “Have you been talking about stuff?”

Adora knew what stuff was, of course. “A little bit.” A _very_ little bit. “Here and there. Not all of it at once.”

“That’s good,” she said quietly.

“Mmhm. Call Melanie.” Adora yanked the covers over both of them. “We’re sleeping in.”

_______________________________

_Your teachers are your friends two dads._

Adora hurried to class Wednesday morning, a thermos of Cassandra’s coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. It was a cloudy morning, and the air carried the first chill of fall. It might even be cold by the time October swung around.

She took a minute to ponder Catra’s text. It had a note of disbelief, maybe even condemnation. Right after, she received a very rare double-text.

_And your boss is Sparkles’ aunt._

Adora bit her tongue, smiling as she typed back. _Yeah. Small world, huh? I told you I got lucky._

She settled into a seat, throwing her notebook down and digging a pen from her pocket. Dendro was a lot more in-demand than Field Herpetology, so the classroom was stadium-sized and hummed with chatter as people arrived with their friends. One student stood at the front podium, gesticulating wildly at George and probably begging for extra credit.

_What do you think about feeding stray cats? From the conservationists perspective._

_Just one?_ Adora asked. Catra started typing right away.

_One. It’s black._

Adora snorted. _You live in Salem. How do you know it’s not a bunch of black cats playing on your sympathy?_

_He’s missing an eye._

_Well, I think the ethical thing when it comes to strays is to get them neutered and then release them again. Otherwise they breed and you just have more hungry cats._

Catra sent a single exclamation mark. Adora was grinning at it when Phoebe showed up.

“Hey,” Adora said. “Beat you here.”

“I’m so impressed,” Phoebe deadpanned. Her hair was tied at the nape of her neck, bushing out to her shoulders. Loose blonde curlicues fanned over her forehead, and her makeup was upsettingly precise. “How was lab?”

“Boring.” While classes were only on Mondays and Wednesdays, labs were more difficult to schedule so she was stuck with one at noon on Tuesdays. All she had to do was jog to campus from the sanctuary, though. She wasn’t far. “I was out in forty five minutes.”

Phoebe raised an eyebrow, bracing her chin on her fist with a big smile. “Thirty.”

“Well, that’s only because Monday labs are easier,” Adora shot back, bumping her shoulder. “And you had a better Botany professor. Barnes didn’t even give us a stoma lab.”

“You’re a sore loser.” Phoebe leaned all the way over, using her pink gel pen to draw a cartoon version of Adora with a big frowny face in the corner of her page. “Better luck next week.”

“Branch structure? Pshhh, you’re on.”

 _My unofficial opinion,_ she typed as George turned the projector on, _is that cats like tuna. And flea collars._

 _I bought cat food,_ Catra said, along with a picture of a Meow Mix bag. _I don’t think he has fleas. I’ll try to check next time he comes around._

Then class started, and Adora didn’t have time to answer. She and Phoebe wrote competitive notes to each other, trying desperately not to laugh. Phoebe seemed extra peppy today – beyond even her usual unnerving cheery self.

Adora checked her phone on the way to the third floor for Herpetology. _Wait, can humans get fleas? Like lice?_ Catra had asked.

_Don’t think so._

She was looking at her phone after class, too, walking out of the building. She wasn’t paying enough attention to the people standing at the base of the stairs, just barely forcing her feet to a halt before she strode straight into –

A chest. A very large chest. A chest she was at eye-level with. She looked up.

“ _You!”_ They said in unison. It was Catra’s roommate! On…campus?

“You know each other?” A voice asked.

Adora took a step back to get the full picture. Phoebe was there, too.

“You know _her?”_ Adora and Scorpia asked her at the same time, pointing at each other. Phoebe looked flabbergasted, mouth hanging open in confusion. Her shoulder moved in a weird, attached way, and when Adora looked down she saw that they were holding hands.

“I told you about Adora,” Phoebe said, looking up at Scorpia. “She’s the one in my Dendrology class. Glimmer’s sister.”

“ _This_ is the Biology major?” Scorpia asked, fixing Adora with a wide-eyed, assessing look.

“Wildlife Fisheries,” Adora corrected her without thinking. Catra said it was a ‘weird’ name that started with a _P._ Of course.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Um.” Phoebe pulled her hand from Scorpia’s, crossing her arms and cocking her head to the side expectantly. “You know each other?”

“No,” they said together. Scorpia opened her mouth, presumably to explain, but caught Adora’s frantic head-shake just in time to stop herself.

Phoebe, and the others in their friend group – Melanie, Kyle, Lonnie, Rog, and sometimes Evelyn – only knew her as Glimmer’s adopted sister. Nothing more. While the others were newer college friends, Phoebe had known Glimmer since childhood. It was obvious Adora came from somewhere (people didn’t just adopt eighteen-year-olds, usually), but Phoebe had never pried into it.

Adora wasn’t worried about herself, though. She didn’t want everyone’s perceptions of Catra tainted by their shared past. And Scorpia’s hesitation, the movement of her eyes over Adora’s face, told her that she was thinking the same thing.

“Adora knows Cat,” she said. “We’ve never met, though.”

Phoebe’s confusion cleared, like she knew who 'Cat' was. So Scorpia had talked about her. Scorpia also, Adora noticed, had an weird accent. Hard to place. It could have been Midwestern.

“Uh,” Adora said, when Phoebe wanted her side. “Yeah, I only saw Scorpia from across the street, once. I had no clue you two were…”

“Dating,” Scorpia finished, clearly happier with this turn of conversation. She put one long arm around Phoebe’s shoulders. They grinned at each other.

 _Good going, Phoebe_ , Adora thought to herself. “Wow! Well, uh…” she shook her head, willing herself to pull it together as she thrust out a hand. “Weirdness aside – it’s nice to finally meet you.”

Phoebe didn’t usually talk much about herself. But recently, Adora had been hearing a lot about her mysterious new paramour. She couldn’t remember the last time Phoebe had dated anyone, but when she did they were always the best people. Phoebe herself was one of the best – she was kind, patient, and selfless in a way really atypical in twenty-somethings. And if she liked Scorpia enough to actually _date_ her…well, it lifted a certain weight. Catra said she was a good person, but Adora appreciated the extra proof.

Scorpia took her offering, wrapping a huge mitt around Adora’s and shaking once. The grip made her knuckles grind together, either in a display of dominance or because Scorpia was just that strong. Adora hoped for the latter.

“You, too,” she said. Phoebe looked between them, thrilled. Scorpia checked her watch. “We should probably get going if we wanna make it to the previews.”

“Let’s go,” she agreed, flashing Adora a smile. Scorpia looked like she wanted to say something else, but decided against it, hurrying toward the parking lot with Phoebe under her arm

Adora watched them go. Phoebe’s laughter drifted back in the warm breeze.

______________________

Without warning, Adora called. Catra snapped her book shut and sat up straight, which made the porch swing sway back and forth. She liked sitting in the back of the house, where it was always quiet and she could see the barest slip of ocean past the three backyards it faced. Only the older woman in One ever came out there, but that was only in the afternoons and they usually didn’t cross each other’s paths.

A phone call was unprecedented, something new that Catra wanted to shy away from. Texting was fine, so a call must mean something was wrong. She cleared her throat and answered it.

“…Hello?” Adora sounded tinny and far away

“Hi,” Catra said.

“Oh, my _God_ , Catra!” It sounded like she was smiling, but Catra was no expert. “You’ll never believe who I just saw. Did you know?”

Catra frowned, wondering which answer she was supposed to give first. “Did I know…what?”

“Your roommate is dating my friend Phoebe!”

Catra pushed the phone harder into her ear, confused. “Phoebe is a girl’s name.”

There was a pause. “Remember you said it was a weird name? That started with a _P?_ That’s Phoebe! I’ve known her forever.”

Catra did remember saying that, but… “That’s not…Phoebe is just a friend she was visiting. She’s dating someone here.”

“No,” Adora said. There was a shuffling that sounded like wind over the receiver. “No, it all lines up, because I remember she said last week that she was going to Salem. I didn’t think anything of it, because people go to Salem all the time. But this is crazy, right? Of all the people…have you met her?”

“No.”

“Well, she’s great. You’ll like her a lot, I think.” Adora blew out a breath. “This is so crazy.”

She knew enough of Adora’s schedule to know she was on her way back to work. A five minute walk, at her crazy pace. She pressed her thumb into the corner of _Charlotte’s Web_.

“You still there?”

“Scorpia’s not dating her,” Catra finally had to say, just to affirm her reality. The other side went silent. Catra panicked. “I mean, how can you be sure?”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking right now,” Adora said, stilted. “She _told_ me. Not three minutes ago!”

Catra forced her breathing to slow. She had no idea what to say. “Oh.”

“What’s wrong?” Adora asked, and it sounded like _what’s wrong with_ you?

A good question. “I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?” She sounded irritated, which Catra had to admit made sense. She was confusing herself right now.

“I didn’t know she was… _you know,”_ she said. Adora’s sudden laughter was a relief, even if Catra was the one being laughed at. “I’m serious.”

“Yeah, I know that, now. For a second I thought you were being…” she breathed out. “Never mind. How could you not – ? Oh, never mind.”

“ _What_ , Adora?!”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…really obvious. That she’s not straight. That's what you're confused about, right?”

Catra frowned hard at the cover of her book. Stupid little girl with pigtails. Stupid pig. “How is it obvious?”

Another pause. Adora groaned. “Oh, I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Why not?!”

“She seemed…off? When she saw me. Maybe she doesn’t want you to know. Maybe it’s only obvious to me because…well…y’know, I have great gaydar, I guess…because I'm...”

Catra had zoned out, recounting her day in her head. Scorpia had taken the day off work, she knew, to go to the movies with – with _whoever_ she was dating. But Catra couldn’t remember if she’d even mentioned a name, or what movie theater she was going to. “I gotta go.”

She realized too late that she’d cut off whatever Adora was saying. “Wait!” Adora said. “Are – are you upset about this?”

“No,” Catra insisted, eager to quash the spark of hurt in Adora’s voice, even if it meant lying. “Not at all. It just caught me by…surprise.”

“Oh.” Adora still sounded kind of glum, but Catra couldn’t really spare the focus.

“Bye,” she said.

Adora muttered back the same, and the line went dead. Catra sat there for a while before getting up and walking back up to their floor. It was lunchtime. She stared at the pantry, but decided she couldn’t call up an appetite. There was a shallow closet in the hall that housed all their cleaning supplies. It was probably the only kind of thing she ever asked Scorpia to buy for her. They had everything, but most important were the gloves. Catra snapped them on.

Seven and a half hours later, she heard the front door open. She had climbed on top of Scorpia’s short wooden dresser, leaning forward on her knees to reach the small slanted window. It was out of the way and stayed clean, but every few months Catra could justify all the extra effort of reaching it so she could get the caked on dust from the corners. And if she scrubbed the glass with a vinegar soaked sponge while she was up there, that was only better. It was a shame she couldn’t get to the outside. That morning’s mini-rainstorm had left streaks across the glass.

“I’ll check tomorrow…” Scorpia was on the phone. Catra heard her throw her keys down on the table. “It shouldn’t be a problem. If he would wear his brace, we wouldn’t have to – uh-huh.”

Catra, scrubbing, heard her stop in the doorway. “No, the balance exercises,” she said. Now Catra was able to hear the other person chatter something back. “Sure thing,” Scorpia said. “Bye.”

“I talked to Adora,” Catra rushed out before Scorpia could say anything. She moved the sponge in careful, wide circles.

Scorpia sighed. Catra heard her set her bag down. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I didn’t know she’d be there.”

“It’s okay,” Catra said. “I don’t mind.”

“I thought you’d be mad.”

 _“Why?”_ Catra had to ask, frustrated. Scorpia wasn’t Adora – she didn’t have the same reasons to think so low of her. She shuffled around to face the room. “What about me makes you think I would care?”

Scorpia cocked her head to the side. “I didn’t think you wanted me to meet her.”

“What are you _talking_ about?”

Scorpia walked closer, nose wrinkling at the smell. “I’m talking about Adora. What are _you_ talking about?”

“I’m talking about you dating a _girl,_ ” Catra shouted, louder than was entirely necessary. Shocked at herself, she clapped a hand over her mouth. Only that hand happened to have a sponge in it. Distilled vinegar sprayed her mouth and face. And eyes. She shut them tight, panicking.

In the vacuum of disbelief after it happened, Scorpia made a strangled laughing sound. She grabbed Catra easily and set her down so she could scramble over to the bathroom, yanking her gloves off.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow,” she said, finding the sink and turning the water on full blast.

“It’s just vinegar, right?” Scorpia asked, still amused. “No bleach?”

“Vinegar.” Catra rubbed water into her eyes and spat the taste out of her mouth. What she really wanted to do was dry-heave, but she tamped down the urge, blinking her eyes open.

Scorpia was there with a towel. “So you’re mad I’m dating Adora’s friend?”

Catra held the towel over her face for a little longer than was necessary, leaning back against the counter. “No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Catra peeked over the towel. Scorpia looked painfully earnest. She cared what Catra thought, which added to her general sense of panic. “You never told me you liked girls,” she repeated.

Scorpia squinted. “ _Huh?”_

“I don’t care… _who_ you like,” Catra pressed on, crossing her arms. “It’s that I didn’t see it.”

Scorpia was staring. Confused, worried staring. Then she looked down at her shirt, eyebrows kitting together. “I never tried to…hide it from you.”

“But you never…” Catra clutched the towel to her chest. “You never talk about – you go on all these dates and you never say it’s with _girls.”_

Scorpia lifted a hand and waved, like she was leaving. “Bye, Cat, I’m gonna go out on a date with a woman.” She dropped her hand, half-smiling. “Does that sound natural? Anyway, I tell you their names.”

The thing was, Catra didn’t _remember._ Scorpia sounded like she was telling the truth. Catra had no reason to believe she wouldn’t. If it was true, and she did give Catra those sorts of hints all this time, it meant she really wasn’t hiding it at all.

“Scorpia…”

“And look at my shirt,” she said, holding it out at the bottom. “I got it at the Toronto Pride Fest two years ago. I have a ton of shirts like this. My backpack is the lesbian flag – “

“You told me,” Catra realized, staring at the rainbow colored shirt in horror. Scorpia did have a lot of pride shirts. And Catra knew what Pride was. Why hadn’t she put two and two together? “You did say it was Phoebe.”

In hindsight, it was clear. Scorpia had been really, really obvious about dating Phoebe. Phoebe, who had a girl's name. She liked Phoebe a lot. Phoebe, who was friends with Adora. Phoebe.

Catra felt sick again, because if Adora hadn’t tipped her off to this, would she have _ever_ figured it out?

“It’s no big deal, though. Does it…make that big of a difference?”

So they _only_ two friends she had were both gay. Catra wondered what the chances were. She didn’t deserve either of them. “No. It doesn’t.”

“Why are you so freaked out?”

“Because…” Scorpia still didn’t know what Catra had done. The things she said that night, to Adora. Now Catra felt like she owed it to her to tell, but that was ridiculous, right? She didn’t have anything to be guilty about with Scorpia. Just ignorance. “Because I’m a really bad friend.”

“No, you – “

“And I thought, this whole time, that I was getting better at it.” Catra folded the towel over one arm, looking at her feet. All the vinegar was gone, but her eyes still burned. “But obviously I haven’t been listening to you when you… And I…I didn’t realize…”

“Cat,” Scorpia said, hugging her. Catra gasped and sniffled, crying harder at the physical connection. “It’s okay. I guess all of that might not be glaringly obvious to someone who…someone like you.”

“No, it _should_ have been!”

“Nah,” Scorpia said easily, taking the towel and walking off toward the washing machine with it. “So you don’t care that Adora met me?”

Catra pressed her palms to her eyes, taking several deep breaths to calm herself. The washing machine banged and started up with some mechanical chirping. “As long as you didn’t talk about me.”

Scorpia laughed. “We didn’t.”

They met in the kitchen a few minutes later. Catra cleaned out the bucket and gloves while she started dinner. It was that weird thing Scorpia was able to do; act like everything was fine. So she played along, her breath still hitching on the edges of sobs. 

“What all did you clean today?”

Catra thought back. “Floors, baseboards, windows, bathroom. Um, I dusted the ceiling fans. Descaled the faucets.” And cleaned the vents. And the shower curtains. It all blurred together, after a while.

“Have fun?” Scorpia asked. At the beginning, she kept telling Catra she didn’t have to, or she didn’t need to do all the cleaning by herself. And that most people probably didn’t even wash their vents. A few months later and it was ‘thank you’ and ‘that’s really nice of you’. Catra was glad they’d moved past that.

“Yeah,” she said. “I did.”

She put the supplies away and went to her room to grab a towel for the shower. When she saw her phone lying forgotten on her bed, she almost screamed. She also tripped in her haste to get over to it, skinning her knee on the carpet.

She’d never texted Adora back. It had been _seven_ hours. The last text must have come in right before the call, and Catra just got too distracted. It was random, something about fleas. She couldn’t just… _reply._ It had been too long.

Typing out an explanation and apology all at once was daunting. Talking had been faster. Catra vastly preferred calls; it was how she almost always talked to Scorpia when they weren’t together. She’d never had a prolonged text conversation like she had been doing with Adora.

Against all of her instincts, she called Adora back. It rang twice.

“Hello?”

Catra just started talking, in a long stream of word vomit. She, without really deciding to, explained everything about why knowing Scorpia was gay caught her off guard. Adora was completely quiet. She could have hung up, and Catra would have kept going, probably.

Only she didn’t hang up. When Catra finished, and paused for longer than it took to breathe, Adora chuckled into the receiver.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” she said. “But…thanks. I was a little worried.”

“I’m sorry,” Catra moaned, burying her face in her blankets. Adora had probably assumed the worst. “I don’t mean to be a freak.”

“I don’t think you’re a freak.” Adora laughed again, to herself. “You know what I was _just_ thinking about before you called me?”

“What?”

“It – hang on.”

There was a muted rustling, and she could hear Adora’s footsteps running somewhere away from the receiver. She said something, and then said it again louder a second later.

“Hey,” she said in a burst of rustling. Catra jumped. “I’m back.”

“Who were you talking to?”

“Just Bow and Glimmer.” The rustling increased and then stopped. Catra wondered what she was doing. “I told them to keep watching the movie without me.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m talking to you.”

Catra climbed up, settling on her bed in a more comfortable position. Her stomach felt twisted up, probably because she hadn’t eaten all day. “I don’t know…" she teased half-heartedly. "I’m a lot less interesting than a _movie_.”

Adora laughed. Catra’s stomach did a cannonball. “What all movies have you seen?”

The answer was a lot. Scorpia was taking her on ‘a run through the classics’. There were a lot of classics. Most of them boring. “I thought you were about to tell me something.”

“Oh! Right.” Adora breathed for a second. “I was thinking…it seemed so _lucky_ that we found each other, right?”

Catra nodded, then remembered Adora couldn’t see her. “Yeah.”

“But Phoebe and Scorpia matched on that app before we even saw each other. We would have…you know. Eventually. Probably.”

Catra hadn’t even considered that. “Maybe not.”

“What do you mean?”

“Scorpia has dated at least one person since we met. She never brought them here. She doesn’t bring anyone here. Except her friend Evelyn.”

Adora made a strangled noise. She started coughing.

“Adora?”

“Evelyn?!” She sounded strained. “Software Engineer, Evelyn?”

“That’s her major,” Catra said, sitting up. “Are you saying you _know_ Evelyn? _Pigtail_ Evelyn?”

“Oh my God!” Adora yelled. “That’s her!”

“It can’t be.” Catra laughed, in spite of herself. “Wow. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s, like, fate.”

As soon as she said that she felt stupid. She hoped Adora hadn’t heard.

“I think Glimmer’s theory must be right,” she said.

“What theory?”

“She thinks all gay people know each other.”

Catra frowned. “I don’t…”

“Honestly, I’m not sure what Evelyn is. She just likes computers and cupcakes. But…she’s friends with Kyle, who’s friends with Bow. And Bow and Glimmer have known each other since they were kids. They were friends with Phoebe for years, too, before any of them came out to each other. I think...she said it's like gay people just kind of gravitate to each other without knowing? And I could tell you the name of at least half of the out girls on campus. I blame the dating apps. Small town, you know?”

Catra didn’t know. Any of it. “I thought Bow and Glimmer were dating each other.”

“They are,” Adora said, confused. Then she heard the silent question. “Ohhhh. Glimmer is bisexual. Phoebe, obviously, is a lesbian. Bow…Bow’s straight. He likes girls.”

“Oh,” Catra said. Maybe it was just because of what happened with Scorpia, but she didn’t feel as shocked about that as she might have the day before. Apparently, her assumptions about people couldn’t be trusted.

“You really couldn’t tell?” Adora said in a weird tone. Quieter. “He’s transgender.”

“…Mmhm,” Catra said, hoping to hide the fact that she had no clue what that meant. “No, I – I couldn’t tell.”

Amazingly, it worked. Adora didn't catch on. “Well, I normally wouldn’t tell anyone that about him, but I had Glimmer to explain things to me. Without her, I might have…I don’t know. Said something rude. Asked unwelcome questions.”

Catra made a mental note to not ask anyone any questions at all. At least until she knew better. “Thanks for the warning.”

“No problem.” There was a pause. “What are you doing right now?”

“Laying here.”

“Are you busy?” She asked.

“See above.”

Adora laughed again. So many laughs, Catra was remembering. She was ashamed to find out she’d forgotten about some of them. The quiet ones. “Wanna talk about movies? I’m dying to hear your opinions.”

Catra bit her lip against a smile, even though she was alone. “I have a lot of those.”

“Alright,” Adora said, business like. “Let’s get started.”

***********************

Evelyn came over on Friday. Her visits were infrequent, but usually landed on weekends whenever they did happen. Catra sat with her book, unbothered by their video game sound effects. Even though they were annoying.

“Last round,” Scorpia said, grunting with the fake effort of jumping over a wall. “Then I’ll go get the pizzas.”

Evelyn didn’t answer. She was too focused on shooting down enemies. Catra waited until Scorpia had left to close her book and turn forward in the window nook, feet hanging down. Evelyn was only three years younger than Scorpia, but it looked more like ten. She dressed in bright colors and animal-shaped hats all the time. The one she had on today was lumpy and purple and had a snout. Her big curly pigtails burst out of it, tied with bright ribbons.

“Evelyn,” Catra said. Evelyn’s eyes remained firmly fixed on the screen, mouth slightly agape.

“Evelyn.”

“Evelyn.”

Nothing. Catra considered standing in front of the screen, but that felt cruel. So did snapping her fingers, but she did that anyway.

“Sorry!” Evelyn yelled, which for her just meant talking. “I’m busy!”

“Are you gay?” Catra asked. Any polite preamble would be wasted on Evelyn, who she felt was the most blunt person she had ever met.

“Gay?” Evelyn repeated, frowning hard in confusion.

“Do you like girls? Or guys?” Catra didn’t know why, but she was curious about this theory Sparkles had. If literally all of them were LGBT (she looked it up, then spent two hours on forums about ‘transgender sensitivity’, which only made her more nervous – there were a _lot_ more wrong questions than she would have guessed), then it was even crazier that Catra was there. But maybe one straight person was okay. That probably didn’t ruin the theory.

“I like lots of people.”

Catra rolled her eyes. This was going to go nowhere, she could already tell. “Good talk.”

“I like video games, too. And coding.”

“Trust me,” Catra grumbled, “I know.”

Adora got off work at six, which was when she texted Catra back. They had been arguing about the boxing movie, before. Catra thought it was boring, which Adora had taken as a personal attack. For some reason. What was so great about a man running up some steps and punching the hell out of some other guy? And worse, he didn’t even _win_ the fight at the end. What was the point?

 _Made a friend today,_ Adora sent. With a picture of a disgusting orange spider. Catra could barely look at it without her skin itching. _Found him in one of the golf carts. Cute, huh?_

 _I hate it,_ Catra said.

 _I know you don’t mean that,_ Adora answered, with a red heart emoji. It was a sarcastic heart emoji, Catra knew. She was getting the hang of it.

_I do._

_Did you do your homework?_

_Yeah,_ Catra said, rolling her eyes to herself. _Don’t yell at me when I give my opinions._

The little brown alien man movie was even worse than the boxing one. Catra had watched it alone while Scorpia was at work. Nobody was there to see her cry at the ending, so it essentially didn’t happen.

 _Don’t tell me,_ Adora sent back. _I’m going to give you plenty of time to develop the correct opinion. Call you at eight?_

_Sure._

“What are you so smiley about?” Scorpia asked through a bite of pizza. Catra instinctively held her phone to her chest, like she'd been caught doing something wrong.

“Huh?” She asked. Scorpia raised an eyebrow. Evelyn stood up and sat down again for no discernible reason, controller clicking under her rapid fingers. “Oh. It’s just Adora.”

"Just Adora?" Scorpia sat back with a strange expression. “I don’t think Adora is ‘just’ anything.”

 _“That’s not_ just _anything!” Adora hissed, throwing the covers back. Her bed creaked at the sudden movement, and they both stilled, glancing at the door. Catra, still standing in front of it, pressed her ear briefly to the wood. The nuns would be making rounds, soon, and the door didn’t lock. If they were caught awake, it would be bad._

_But Adora had stayed up anyway. She was right there when Catra turned around. Her cold hand gripped Catra’s chin, tilting her head up. “Did they – ?”_

_“It_ is _just a scratch. I fell,” Catra explained, feeling exposed. Adora had her stubborn face on, scrunched eyebrows and blazing eyes. “Hour fifteen’s a real killer.”_

_“You shouldn’t have done it,” Adora snapped, still whispering. “It’s not worth it, Catra. Next time it could be thirty.”_

_Catra smiled. “Well, guess what?”_

_“What?”_

_She took Adora by the wrist, moving them further into the room. The faintest moonlight reached through the window, making a watery square on the floor at the end of Catra’s bed. She led them there, so Adora could see the wrapped object she produced from behind her back._

_For a second, her tense face went smooth in shock. Then she shoved Catra back, hard._

_Well, maybe not that hard. Catra was just so exhausted she lost her balance right away, catching herself on the end of her bed. She thought she dropped the muffin, but it was in Adora’s hand as she started waving it around angrily._

_“Why? Are you insane? How – How did you even…?”_

_Catra giggled, slumping back over the wooden posts and onto her mattress. Hers didn’t creak. “They didn’t walk me back. So I thought the least I could do was finish what we started.”_

_“You went_ all _the way to the kitchen? I was worried when you didn’t get here on time!” Despite it all, the mattress shifted down next to her as Adora sat, unwrapping the muffin. “And I didn’t start this. You did.”_

_“Well,” Catra said, smiling woozily. “If you didn’t like them so much, I wouldn’t have to steal them for you.”_

_“I don’t like them,” Adora said, determined. Then she bit into it, groaning. “I hate you.”_

_She opened her eyes when Adora touched her cheek again. Her fingers smelled like blueberries. Catra opened her mouth._

_Adora rolled her eyes but pinched off a bit of the muffin's top, dropping it onto Catra's waiting tongue._ _Then she smiled. It wasn’t the_ you’re an idiot _smile, or the_ I’m two seconds from strangling you _smile. It was the one Catra always worked so hard for. The soft curve of lips and long blonde eyelashes that drooped down just slightly. And even though Catra had just been on her feet for twenty hours (with one noticeable collapse), it was all worth it._

_“Tastes like victory,” she said._

_“Go to sleep,” Adora commanded, taking another bite. “We have to be up in four hours.”_

_“You didn't have to wait up,” Catra noted, already dreading the next day. The Choir was going to be pissed._

_She didn’t even notice her eyes were closed again until a hand brushed her hair back and a pointer finger gently ran across the skin under her eyes. She turned into the touch, drifting off right away into a heavy slumber._

“AHHHHH!” Evelyn yelled, jumping up on the couch. Catra almost fell sideways out of the nook. “TACTICAL NUKE!”

Whatever that meant. Catra spared a sympathetic look for Scorpia, who had her hands over her face in defeat. Evelyn continued to celebrate. Loudly. The television screen was going crazy.

Catra turned her face back to the window. The warm breeze smelled like blueberries and flour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and commenting! I was at the beach this past week, but I'm glad to finally post this.


	5. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet Santiago! (AKA Sea Hawk)

They met in Salem, near the interstate. Melanie packed everybody into the back of her dad’s old Chevy Tahoe, which normally would be big enough. But the addition of Scorpia and Catra made it a tight squeeze. Beach supplies took up the trunk and one of the backmost seats, which meant only Bow and Glimmer could fit. They had to force four into the second row.

Scorpia sat between Phoebe and Catra, her arms around the both of them. Phoebe ended up making the introductions, first Scorpia to everyone and then ‘Cat’ to Melanie and Santiago. Adora felt kind of useless, barely able to smile at Catra before they were all loaded in by an impatient Glimmer.

“It’s probably the last warm weekend we’ll have,” she said from the backseat, sunglasses holding her hair back. “It’s gonna be busy.”

Adora and Bow shared a chagrined look. She had said the exact same thing to them when dragging them out of bed at seven that morning.

“It’s not gonna be busy,” Melanie said. It was hard to tell if she was bored, or just tired.

“What beach are we going to?” Scorpia asked. One hand curled over Phoebe’s shoulder, the other hanging limply over Catra’s.

“Half-Moon Beach. It’s, like, in Gloucester.”

“I’ve been there. Back in May,” Santiago said, half turning around. “Me and some of my buddies – “

He went off on one of his grand stories, complete with fantastical feats of bro-ism and funnel-related accidents. Adora glanced around Phoebe and Scorpia, toward the other window.

Catra sat relaxed under Scorpia’s arm, leaning her forehead against the glass. She seemed to be listening to Santiago, but there was a vacancy in her eyes that told Adora she had tuned him out, as well. Instead of looking sleepy like everyone else, she had an almost tense, furrowed brow and tight lips.

Adora knew she had already been to the beach at least once. She hadn’t recognized the name of it, but it was south of Salem instead of north. And she was betting it had been during the summer. This September was unseasonably warm, but the ocean was already going to be viciously cold. She hoped Catra was prepared for that.

The air was balmy. Melanie rolled the windows down so it could flow through the cab. “Adora, I think I’m gonna come paint on Tuesday.”

Adora sat forward. They had talked about it a week or so before. She, like Glimmer, was an art major, and had to do something landscape-oriented. Adora told her about the valley view at the topmost point of Dickenson trail. Melanie wasn’t the outdoorsy type, though. She had never actually been to the sanctuary. “I’ll be there in the morning. Like, nine.”

Santiago and Bow were holding a conversation about something Kyle had gotten himself into, yelling back and forth across the car. Adora had to lean up to basically Melanie’s ear, encroaching on Phoebe’s knee space as she did. “You can just call me, or go to the office and ask for me. Some places don’t have reception.

“Cool,” Melanie said. “Jesus, Santa, stop _screaming!”_

With that, she punched her finger on the radio console and music blasted out of the speakers. Santiago immediately started arguing with her. Adora turned to Scorpia, rolling her eyes. “They’re always like this.”

“They are,” Phoebe nodded solemnly. Scorpia chuckled.

Catra hadn’t looked away from the window, despite the blaring radio. There was no way for Adora to tell Melanie to turn the music off without everyone asking why. She really hoped it would be okay.

It was almost ten when they pulled off the side road into the grass. The sun had come out from behind the clouds, forcing Adora into pulling her shades down before helping get everything out of the trunk.

“You,” Melanie snapped at Santiago. “Take the cooler.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he saluted, ice and glass sloshing inside as he hefted it on his shoulder. Clearly, it was too heavy for him, but he shuffled off toward the beach anyway. Bow jogged after him to help.

“Adora,” Melanie said, in a much nicer tone. “You get these chairs. I’ll get the other two.”

Adora pulled two of the folding chairs out – some sand from their last use snowing down to the ground and settling between her toes.

“I can carry the rest,” Scorpia offered. Catra stood off to the side, a plain black back hanging from her shoulder and a plain black shift dress falling to her knees. Adora walked over to her, smiling and denying her help when it was offered. It was only two chairs.

They turned to the carved rock steps. Catra’s silence was starting to get to her, which it shouldn’t have. They were texting all week long. Last night they had been up talking until well past midnight about E.T. and the inherent terror of puppets. And food. And cleaning – _that_ had kind of spiraled into territory bordering on Real Talk.

“It’s so good to hear you say that,” Catra had sighed, after she went on about the merits of vinegar vs. bleach. “I think Scorpia hates me for it.”

“The smell doesn’t even last,” Adora dismissed, rolling to her side and staring at her desk chair in the lamplight. “And it doesn’t burn.” She paused. “Not like lye.”

Catra had been quiet for a beat too long. Then, “Yeah. Not like lye.”

“Do you – ?“

“Sometimes,” Catra said, in a much different tone of voice. Adora bit her tongue. “Sometimes I dream that it’s still burning my hands.”

She huffed a laugh afterward – _Isn’t that ridiculous?_ But Adora didn’t think it was.

She didn’t have too many dreams of her own, though the soft soaps and loofahs and gel shampoo still seemed much too good to be true. They went back to lighter subjects after that, but maybe that’s what it was. Adora didn’t want to open any old wounds if it meant Catra was going to close her out.

“I packed a bunch of water,” Adora said. Catra stopped craning her neck to look at the water. “And it’s breezy. So you won’t get overheated again.”

Catra smiled self-consciously. “Don’t worry. I told Scorpia about that. She force-fed me two bowls of oatmeal this morning. And a gallon of water.”

“That’s great,” Adora said. And she meant it. Almost all of it. _Not my job_ , she thought silently to herself.

“Wow,” Catra said. Adora looked up.

Half-Moon beach was sort of shaped like a horseshoe. A really narrow horseshoe, made of a long lagoon walled in by boulders on either side. The water was shallow, a clear sea-foam color that rippled with small waves. A humid, salty breeze kissed their noses as they walked toward where Santiago had plunked down the cooler down.

“Not too bad,” he said, kicking some sand. There were only four other umbrellas set up, two families and two groups of friends similar to theirs. A few people were waded out to their knees, but their body language indicated a lot of discomfort with the temperature.

“Beach, beach, beach, beach,” Glimmer chanted, catching up. She dropped the towels down and yanked off her pink coverup, running straight toward the water.

“She didn’t put on sunscreen,” Bow said, with a dark expression. “That’s gonna be hell for me, later on.”

“I brought a ton,” Adora said, pulling the tubes out of the cooler. “Take it. Catra? Need sunscreen?”

Catra looked startled at being addressed, but nodded. Adora tossed over a tube.

“It’s so cold!” Glimmer shouted gleefully, up to her waist.

Melanie, Phoebe, and Scorpia brought the rest, and for a few minutes Adora was distracted laying out the blankets and digging a hole for the umbrella to stand up in. Scorpia kept trying to help, but she assured her it really wasn’t necessary. She buried the umbrella and popped it open, taking the chairs as bow handed them to her and popping them open until everything looked presentable.

“Scorpia, could you get my back?”

Adora looked up. Behind Bow’s shoulder, Catra had taken off her dress. Her bathing suit was deep gray, the top a cropped rash guard with a funky, geometric design. In the tight nylon, she looked impossibly thin. _Scrawny_ felt a little harsh, but she _was._ In a confusing lapse of clarity, Adora couldn’t remember if Catra had always looked like that or not. She recalled her having a rounder face and more of a belly, but that could have been when they were much younger.

Scorpia started applying the lotion to her lower back, large hands moving in gentle, sweeping motions. Catra even held her elbows up so Scorpia could get her sides.

Adora looked to the left. Melanie and Phoebe were putting sunscreen on each other, too, giggling.

“Come on,” she said, grabbing Bow’s hand. It was suddenly imperative that they go join Glimmer in the water. She could deal with a sunburn later. They splashed in, both crying out at the icy shock.

“Adora – “ Bow wheezed, very high pitched. He’d come to a standstill at his knees.

“Let’s get it over with!”

“Too…Cold…”

“Alright…” she sighed, releasing him. Then she took off running, or at least an awkward trot as the water pulled her feet into slow motion. Sure enough, Bow followed, always down for a footrace.

Glimmer saw what was coming and tried to get away, but not soon enough. Adora crashed into her. They went down together into the breath-stealing cold.

*********************

“Are you coming in?”

Catra blinked her eyes open, glad they were shielded by Scorpia’s expensive sunglasses. She had been too busy enjoying the breeze to notice any one walking toward her. They had all been out swimming and screaming last she checked.

“Hey.”

Adora gave her a quirked eyebrow for not answering the question. “Hey.” She leaned down under the umbrella and reached into the cooler. Her hair dripped water onto Catra’s knees, which felt really good because it was getting hotter by the second. Hot, but not unbearable. It helped that she wasn’t wearing clothes.

But it also didn’t help. Adora was almost hard to look at. It felt…wrong. Catra had plenty of problems wearing something like this, but seeing Adora in the same made it harder to ignore. Especially because her swimsuit showed a lot more skin.

“Come swim with us,” she said, tilting a bottle of water against her lips. Catra looked way out, where Phoebe and Scorpia and Melanie and that guy were playing chicken. Melanie put her fists up in faux jabs. Phoebe shrieked and latched her thighs tighter around Scorpia’s head to hold on.

“No, thanks.”

“Why not?”

Catra dug her toes into the sand. The chair was uncomfortable. “I saw what you did to Sparkles.”

Adora laughed. “I promise I won’t tackle you.”

“Is it really that cold?” The people one umbrella over had not shut up once about how miserable the water was.

“Um…” Adora grimaced. “Come and see?”

“Okay, fine.” Catra stood, ducking so she didn’t slam her head on the umbrella spikes (again). “Just…don’t get my hair wet.”

Adora tossed her half-full bottle to the blanket. “I promise I’m not gonna drown you. But…why?”

Catra touched a hand to her curls, already out of control from the humidity. “The last time I got in the ocean my hair was a nightmare for like a week. Well, even more of a nightmare than usual.”

A frown crossed Adora’s face, like she was remembering something. She stepped closer, staring at Catra’s hair. “I was surprised you had cut it.”

“Why?” Catra snorted, tilting her head up so Adora would stop staring at her head like a freak. It worked; she looked right down into Catra’s eyes, instead. “You know how much I hated it.”

“You – “ Adora gaped for a second, eyebrows meeting. “I mean, you complained about it. I thought that’s what I was for.”

Catra’s throat closed up abruptly. The nuns demanded that hair be brushed and braided every morning, without exception. And, of course, she was the exception. None of the other children had hair like hers. It couldn’t be brushed straight, or even only wavy. Each individual strand wanted to snap back into a curl. Fighting that took a ridiculous amount of time.

When they were still in the nursery, Catra had vague memories of Shadow Weaver ripping a brush through her hair. It hurt. Badly. Later, when they were moved into their own room, it was Adora who brushed her hair when she was out of patience. And then, she just did it all the time without asking. At night, after showers, it was easier to work with. Adora would let Catra put her head in her lap and they whispered to each other while she slowly worked out the tangles. She would braid it before going to bed, and no one was any the wiser.

“Well, you left,” Catra snapped, unexpectedly stung that she would bring it up.

Adora’s face fell, which did a pretty good job of making Catra feel like shit. She hadn’t meant to say that, but it was true! She had to brush her hair herself for four years, and that bred a lot of hair-related rage. Before she could stammer out an apology, Adora cleared her throat.

“You’re right,” she said. “But for what it’s worth, you look really good. With short hair.”

Catra blinked. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s…” Adora closed her eyes, taking a breath. “Different. You’re different.”

“I am?”

“In a good way.” She opened her eyes, smiling _that_ smile.

The whole world, sometimes, got away from Catra. Even seen through Scorpia’s window, or from the safety of her bed, it felt massive and she felt tiny. Like the ocean; a massive leviathan that would crush her under its weight the moment she lost her focus. But as Adora smiled at her, she felt stronger than she had in a long time.

But she also felt something other than that. It stirred her stomach into a whirpool and made her heart pound. The sensation doubled in strength when Adora’s cold, sea-clammy hand wrapped loosely around her wrist. It was a thoughtless gesture, Catra knew, but it brought to her attention how close they were standing. Adora wasn’t _that_ much taller than her, but at this proximity she basically towered.

“So. Swimming?” Catra said. Her voice sounded funny. Adora looked confused for a second, then her eyes widened. She looked down at their hands and let go.

“Swimming!” She cried, grinning in a way that didn’t look right. She didn’t step back so much as fall away, splashing her feet backwards into the surf. “Come on!”

Against her better judgement, she followed. The first wave that rose over her toes sucked all the unwelcome heat from her body. “Holy _shit!”_ She yelled, hopping back.

Adora gasped, eyebrows flying up. “Catra!”

“What!”

She broke into manic giggles, bending over double and holding her stomach. Adora was laughing at her, and Catra worried for a flash second if she somehow _knew_ what she had just inexplicably felt. She wondered how long it would take to bury herself in the sand.

“You just said _shit_ ,” Adora cackled. Catra blew out an indignant breath.

“So?”

“So that’s fucking amazing!”

It was Catra’s turn to gasp, and then to laugh. It _was_ weird to hear her say a word like that. They went back and forth like that, trying to one-up each other with colorful phrases, until Catra was safely to her waist. The distraction was nice, but not quite enough.

“Can we just swim here?” She begged, holding her arms out so the water didn’t touch them.

Adora was only a foot or so in front of her, but had completely sunk down, half-floating and half-sitting, hair sticking to her scalp like a very foul-mouthed mermaid.

“That’s not swimming,” she pointed out. “It’s standing.”

Which, fair enough. “Can we _stand_ here, then?”

Adora pointed behind herself, toward her friends. “We’re halfway there. And if you don’t get moving, Bow and I _will_ carry you.”

“You promised you wouldn’t – !”

“ _Ugh!”_ Adora threw her head back, pushing off with her feet and floating onto her back in one dramatic movement. Water droplets streamed off her stomach and pooled at her bellybutton. Their bodies hadn’t always been this different, Catra thought, looking at the muscles that lined her abdomen. “I did promise, didn’t I?”

“Adora, there’s no way I’m going any deeper. If this water touches my stomach, I’ll die.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Adora said, bobbing back up to a sitting position. “Look! I don’t even have chill bumps anymore.” She stuck one leg out of the water so Catra could see.

“Nope. I’m not – _doing it_.” She hissed as her foot slipped on a rock in the sand, forcing her to walk forward a step to keep her balance. The next wave washed over her navel. She shrieked, trying to back up.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Adora chuckled. She caught Catra by the knee, pulling her forward. Another wave hit her stomach. Scorpia was laughing at them, but Catra kept her eyes firmly trained on her traitor friend.

“I will _kick_ you!”

Adora sank so only her eyes were above water, and then she rolled them. Her hand kept pulling. Catra was forced to move forward so her leg didn’t give out. “Adora,” she pleaded, her arms almost over her head. Her other knee was pulled. The water was at her ribcage, and she realized it was going to feel even worse on her chest than it did on her stomach.

The water was clear, but distorted Adora’s long limbs and made them look even longer. Catra’s foot slipped again, and Adora’s hands became a support to keep her from tipping sideways, sliding up to her hips for less than a second before letting go completely.

“This is torture,” Catra groaned, slowly lowering her arms in. “I hate you.”

Adora raised her eyebrows, offended. Then she lifted her head up, and Catra realized with horror and disgust that her cheeks were full of seawater.

“ _Ador – agh!”_

The freezing cold spray hit her chest, soaking through the material of her bathing suit easily. It was so intensely cold she felt it in her lungs. Revenge was absolutely necessary, so she dove forward, wrestling Adora’s shoulders, and then her head, under. There was little retaliation at first, then Adora must have inhaled water because all her mermaid grace disappeared and she started flailing.

Catra pushed down harder, then the hands were on her waist again and she was pitched forward, doing a kind of violent flip that plunged her down head-first. When she managed to right herself, Adora was coughing and laughing at the same time, sopping wet hair flipped haphazardly over her head. Their shoulders bumped together.

“Oh no! I didn’t mean to get your hair wet.”

“It’s fine,” Catra said, a little breathlessly. She ran her fingers over her head, feeling the wet mess that was already curling tighter in on itself. “I’ll deal.”

“I’m sorry,” Adora said anyway, her lower lip pouting out.

“Worry less about my hair and more about the fact that you _broke_ your _promise!”_ Catra laughed, pushing her shoulder. Adora staggered back over-dramatically, mouth falling open.

“You tackled _me_!”

Catra smacked her hand away when she tried to return the shove. “I didn’t make any promises.”

“Catraaaa,” she said, and her pouty face was so pathetic Catra couldn’t even stay mad. “You could have killed me.”

“I could have.” It was slow, but she was growing accustomed to being in the water again. She picked her feet up, filling her lungs and allowing the current to pull her out to deeper water. Scorpia had very patiently, over about five trips to a local swimming pool, showed her the basics of swimming. The chlorine had been even worse on her hair than the sea. “But I didn’t.”

Adora stroked her arms forward, keeping pace as Catra drifted. “See? Not that bad.”

Catra shrugged. It was still pretty bad. She would be shivering soon. Her legs kicked out in front of her, propelling her easily back. Adora did the same. They stared up at the blue sky, floating like two clouds in the breeze.

*********************

The storm came without warning. Everything was fine until just after two. The heat was at its peak, and they were all under the umbrella piecing sandwiches together with wet, sandy hands when the sun went dark against a massive black cloud.

“Did _anyone_ check the weather?” Melanie griped, leisurely squeezing the moisture out of her hair as everyone jumped into action around her.

Adora sat up sharply from her position leaning against Catra’s legs. Santiago, a little wobbly from several beers, started gathering all their scattered garbage an throwing it in a bag. Scorpia and Phoebe waded in from the water, calling out and pointing like they were the only ones who had spotted what was coming.

“Glimmer,” Bow said urgently, prodding her with his toe as he zipped up a backpack. Her head was on the blankets, but the rest of her had sprawled out in the sand. She’d had a couple of beers, too. “Baby, we gotta go.”

Catra, in the middle of all of this, tried to stand up and fold the chair she had been sitting in.

“I’ve got it!” Adora was quick to say. She jerked it right out of Catra’s hands, which seemed excessive. “Mel! Just go start the car!”

They all jumped as a massive clap of thunder rolled across the water. Scorpia and Adora both had to hold the umbrella as they were met with a violent gust of wind. It whipped over Catra’s bare skin and almost physically pushed her back. The other beachgoers screeched, their camps turning to chaos.

Sparkles and Bow took off after Melanie toward the stairs, carrying all the towels and laughing. Scorpia forced the umbrella into a closed position while Adora held it in place against the wind.

“Are these yours?” Phoebe asked. Catra nodded and took her bag and dress, holding them in one arm and picking up the cooler with the other.

“I’ll get that, Catra,” Adora said. “Just go to the car!”

“Let me help!” She insisted, trying to lift it. It was _really_ heavy.

“You’ll hurt your back,” Scorpia grunted, yanking the tie around the umbrella and fastening it.

“Shut up!” She tried again, shocked when it lifted easily off the sand. “Ugh, _Adora!”_

Adora shifted her hand on the handle, knocking Catra away with her shoulder and sticking her tongue out as she ran off with it. Catra gathered as many chairs as she could hold instead, grumbling to herself the whole time.

Phoebe finished gathering the odds and ends, including several people’s shoes. Scorpia finally had the umbrella up and over her shoulder. “Got everything?” She called over the suddenly loud wind. Sand buffeted Catra’s face. She was only saved by the sunglasses.

“Yeah,” Phoebe yelled back. “Let’s – “

The light over the ocean – the vestigial halo of bright sunlight – went abruptly dark. A long, jagged lightening bolt streaked across the sky, right into the water. It was impossible to tell how close over the wide expanse of water, but the hair on the backs of their necks stood straight.

“Whoa!” Scorpia said, but Catra only saw the movement of her lips. The sound was drowned out by another boom of thunder. It was so loud it rattled her teeth and made her inner ear feel funny.

Then the rain started. Out of nowhere, it was pouring. Catra squinted up. The storm was faster than she could have believed, because it was already _there_. A massive, black shape in the air that shifted and swirled like ink. The leviathan was right on top of her.

******************

“Can you believe this?” Adora called, flapping up to the car in her slippery flip flops. Melanie took the two beach bags from Santiago and frantically tried to get the bulk of the sand off before pushing them into the trunk.

“No!” She said. “That storm’s about to rock our shit.”

“I smell rain,” Glimmer moaned, holding the spare towels while Bow carefully arranged them over the seats. “I’m too drunk for this!”

“You hear that thunder?”

It was Scorpia. They all made room for her to turn the long bulk of the umbrella so it fit snugly along the side of the car interior. Phoebe hopped from foot to foot nervously, looking up as she banged the flat of her palm against the fabric on the beach chairs. The sand shaken loose was immediately whipped against Adora’s legs by the wind. She set the cooler down, waiting. It was the last thing to go in.

And there was the thunder again. It was getting closer. No way would they outrun it. “Is there anywhere we can go?” Phoebe asked, seeming to notice the same.

“No. And I’m not going on the interstate if it starts – “

Raining. There was no gentle shower to ease them into it – the bottom dropped right out of the sky with another wave of thunder. One of the other beach guests squealed out past them in a little Jeep. Just in time.

“Just get in the car!” Melanie yelled. “I already started it!”

Phoebe pulled Scorpia to the doors. Melanie and Adora lifted the cooler into the bed, relatively safe under the raised trunk. Bow leaned back over the back of his seat to jerk the it the rest of the way in. “Hey!” He yelled over another thunder clap. “We’re missing one!”

Adora looked around, confused. She met Scorpia’s eyes just as they both realized who it was.

Without a second thought, Adora kicked off her shoes and sprinted back toward the stone steps. They were slippery, and with her sandals on she would have undoubtedly busted her ass. She thought Catra had come up with Scorpia, but apparently not. There was only one body on the beach. A lone figure holding a bag and a dress, with three chairs laying at their feet. The trees swayed angrily. Black waves grew choppy.

“Catra!” Adora yelled, cupping her hands over her mouth. She was just _standing_ there, staring straight up at the sky. Adora ran as fast as she could, feeling her calves burn at the sand resistance. It felt like forever until she was close enough to grab her arm.

Catra screamed, turning around with terror written all over her face. “What are you _doing?”_ Adora screamed back, waving an arm. “Don’t you see this?”

Rain absolutely pelted down. Painfully heavy, hitting Adora on the crown of the head and soaking her to the bone. Catra’s curls even looked defeated, plastered down to her forehead. Adora didn’t have a clue what was going on for her to look so scared, but they were going to be struck by lightning if they just stood there. She grabbed Catra’s hand and took off back toward the car.

“The chairs – !”

“We’ll come back for them!”

Catra was significantly slower than her, but Adora didn’t care. The sky lit up bright and then went dark again. Where the hell had this _come_ from? Electrical storms usually happened over the water. And at night. The rain had her so panicked she almost didn’t notice Catra slip and fall hard on one knee. She cried out, and then said something Adora couldn’t hear. She pulled her up by the arm, winding it around her own shoulders and half carrying her up the rest of the steps. Catra held her own when they reached the grass, and then started laughing.

“You’re insane,” Adora called over. She didn’t know if Catra heard.

The back door flew open as they approached. Adora had the most momentum, so she threw herself in, pulling Catra up after her and making sure the door was shut as quickly as possible. There was a flurry of questions as everyone wanted to know what had just happened. Adora was so overwhelmed at the lack of rain and answering their questions (“she was just _standing_ there!”) for a few seconds that she didn’t notice right away that she had pulled Catra into her lap.

She wasn’t heavy. At all – that was Adora’s first thought. And it wasn’t even that awkward of a fit. The roof was low, so she had to turn her head at an angle, but the way her arm latched around Adora’s shoulders, and the ease with which their legs fit together perpendicularly, made it look almost comfortable. Adora was, anyway

She could hear everyone talking and laughing in relief, but all she could see were Catra’s two mismatched eyes, looking at her the same way she had looked down there on the beach. Terrified.

“Do you think it’ll pass?” Glimmer asked from behind them.

 _No,_ Adora thought, _doesn’t look like it will._

Light flashed again, but not the distant, unseen light of a storm. It was blinding, _way_ too close, and joined by three successive _cracks._ Huge, unnatural, electrical noises. Lightning striking less than a hundred feet from the car.

Everyone screamed. Catra’s whole body curled against Adora’s, her face somehow fitting perfectly underneath her jaw. Adora did the same, pressing her nose to a rash guarded shoulder.

“Don’t touch anything metal!” Santiago warned. Everyone whimpered and shifted toward the center of the car, away from door handles and steering wheels. Adora pulled Catra closer, leaning into Phoebe, who leaned into Scorpia, who leaned into _her…_ it all pressed Catra even tighter against Adora’s chest. She felt a pounding heartbeat and didn’t know which one of them it belonged to. It could have been Phoebe’s, or Glimmer’s, or Melanie’s.

The only sound was percussive rain and booming thunder as they all held on to each other, waiting for the next hit. It was _right_ on top of them, and Adora had no idea what would happen if lightning actually hit the car. It might just cook them like bacon.

Catra was trembling, and breathing too hard. Adora put a hand against the back of her neck, softly stroking the short hairs there. It wasn’t the smart thing to do, but she needed to comfort Catra in some small way. “It’s okay,” she whispered, closing her eyes.

Catra’s fingers wound into her hair, at that same spot at the back of her neck.

Several more seconds passed. The thunder was still very loud, and there were still flashes of light at close intervals, but nothing like what had happened a few minutes previous. Melanie and Santiago clasped hands over the front console.

Catra’s face shifted position just slightly, their wet skin almost sticking together. “Sparkles is crying,” she whispered, like she wanted to make sure they were hearing the same thing. Adora just nodded.

Someone started giggling. Melanie. She raised her head, looking out the front windshield and then back at them, grinning in disbelief. “We’re alive!”

Glimmer started crying harder. Adora heard Bow sniffling, too. Phoebe and Scorpia joined in on the hesitant laughter.

“Did you _hear – ?”_

“I swear I saw it right over there – “

“I need to call my parents – “

Slowly, Catra sat up. Her hand still held onto Adora’s hair, still shaking imperceptibly. They stared at each other like two people waking up from a shared dream. Catra’s lips parted, and Adora stared at them. Not for the first time, she noticed how perfect they were. Her throat worked in a swallow, which Adora could almost feel in her own throat. Not for the first time.

Time came to a standstill. The hand in her hair unwound itself, sliding up to the side of her neck, almost cupping her chin. But not quite. It stopped there, and Catra blinked, and then it was all over.

“Awww,” Phoebe was saying, half-turned to laugh at Glimmer. “It’s okay, Glim. We survived.”

“I – _hic –_ know,” Glimmer said. “That was so _scary!”_

Catra pushed herself off of Adora’s lap, fitting between her and Phoebe and crossing her arms over her chest.

Adora kept her hands to herself, too, staring down at them folded in her lap and feeling her heart break in two. Not for the first time.

“Cat,” Scorpia said. “What happened to your knee?”

Adora glanced over at the bloody scrape. Catra pressed her balled up dress to it, her voice quiet and unsure.

“It’s just a scratch.”

Pain pulsed through Adora’s abdomen. She didn’t know what to call what had just happened. It could have just been the near-death experience, or too much sun, or even a runner’s high… but of course it wasn’t any of those things. She knew better.

_“It’s just a scratch.”_

_“It’s not_ just _anything!” Adora whispered, throwing the covers back. Her bed creaked. Catra held up a hand and pressed an ear to the door of their bedroom, listening long enough for Adora to close the distance between them._

_Everything about Catra looked fine. Her thick, long braid was still immaculate. Her dress perfectly white. She looked a little pale, like she had a fever or something, but that could have been the lack of light straining Adora’s eyes._

_The mark was on her cheek. A very thin line carved into her brown skin. Adora placed a hand on her chin, tilting her face toward the moonlight. She was warm and soft, but Adora was so distracted by the injury she couldn’t pause to notice. “Did they – ?”_

_Catra gave her a wry smile, shifting her weight heavily. “I fell. Hour fifteen’s a real killer.”_

_Twenty hours. A reprimand was usually only ten, but Catra had already had two this year. They were upping the stakes. And for what? For her silly little kitchen excursions?_ One _stolen muffin was enough to merit twenty hours of standing and singing in the chapel?_

_“You shouldn’t have done it,” she said. “It’s not worth it, Catra. Next time you might get thirty.”_

_“Well, guess what?”_

_Adora opened her eyes, then narrowed them. “What?”_

_Catra’s hand came up, taking her wrist and lowering it from her chin before pulling her toward the window. When they stood in the small pool of light, she moved her other hand from behind her back. Adora took the bundle of napkins, and knew exactly what it was. And it made her so_ angry _all she could do was push Catra away from her._

_“They didn’t walk me back here,” Catra explained, stumbling backward and falling onto her bed, arms sprawling over her head. “The least I could do was finish what we started.”_

_“You went all the way to the_ kitchen?! _I was worried when you weren’t here an hour ago.” Still angry, she sat near Catra’s head and unwrapped the ridiculous object. It was small and rounded on top, flecked with blueberries. Her stomach empty panged; she didn’t have anything to do with Catra’s malfeasance, but the nuns seemed to suspect something. She’d been sent to bed without dinner._

_It tasted incredible. “I hate you,” she said around the food in her mouth. Catra made a happy noise, one foot coming up to rest on the edge of her mattress. The dress fell down, exposing bare thigh. Adora forced her eyes away, instead running one finger over the ‘scratch’._

_Which is what it could have been, she supposed. She’d never had to go through a reprimand. It always seemed to fall on Catra instead. But some of the other girls had. They said that by the end of it they could hardly stay on their feet. Catra was clumsy, anyway._

_She opened her eyes, watching Adora with an unreadable expression. Adora wanted to pull her hand away, but it was more difficult than it should have been. Catra had her own gravitational pull. Or so Adora thought, anyway. She was too chicken to ever voice her feelings, and Catra was too busy pretending that she didn’t have them._

_When Catra opened her mouth, Adora pinched off a bit of pastry to drop into it. “Tastes like victory,” she said, winking._

_“Go to sleep. We have to be up in four hours.”_

_“_ I _didn’t ask you to wait up for me,” Catra whispered, eyes drifting shut._

_“I know.” Adora reached out again, without thinking, and stroked over the top of Catra’s head. Her hair was rough, always, but nice to touch. And more importantly, Catra liked it. She didn’t appear to have showered, so there was no need for Adora to brush it tonight. Shame._

_“Thank you,” she whispered, when she was sure Catra had dozed off. On a dangerous whim, she let her fingers run across the bridge of Catra’s nose. Her heart swelled at the contact, pricking tears in the corners of her eyes. She was so full of love for this person, and that was wrong. It wasn’t the right kind of love._

_And Catra must love her, to keep making such stupid risks. Adora pressed a thumb to her plush lower lip. From the depths of unconsciousness, Catra smiled. It pulled the skin under Adora’s finger taut. She jerked her hand back as though burned and sat in her bed, staring at the simple gift Catra had brought, though her appetite was long gone._

***************************

It rained all night. Catra read in one of her books that changes in barometric pressure gave people nightmares. That certainly seemed to be the truth. Every time she closed her eyes, she’d wake right back up, gasping for air and clinging to what was real. She kept seeing the big dark storm cloud and Adora’s face.

Far off thunder made the house shake as she opened Scorpia’s bedroom door. A soundtrack to Catra’s personal demise.

“Scorpia?”

At the center of the mattress was a mound of blankets and a white head of hair. Catra walked closer, taking the blankets and pulling them away, gasping at what she saw.

“Catrina?” Adora asked sleepily, rolling onto her back. She had on a white nightgown, and her hair was out of its braid. It was dark in the room, but her skin seemed to glow like the moon.

“What are you doing here?” Catra asked, but nothing came out of her mouth. Adora smiled. “How did you get here? Where – ?”

“You came back,” Adora said in wonder, sitting up. Her hair floated up like she was underwater. “I thought you had left me for good.”

“N-No, Adora. _You_ left.”

“I’m here,” Adora assured her. One pale hand stretched out, hanging in the space between them. An invitation. “And I know what you want.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Did you really think I could forgive you?” Adora asked sweetly. Catra tried to back away, but her feet wouldn’t move. “Did you think I would forget?”

“No,” Catra whispered. “You – you said you forgave me – “

“Ask me,” Adora said, her smile fading. “Ask me.”

“Ask you _what?”_

Tears that hadn’t been there a second before streaked down Adora’s face. “I thought you would understand. I thought you would _want_ to come with me. We always talked about – “

“No,” Catra snarled. The words fit into her mouth like broken in shoes. “I’m not going _anywhere_ with you. You – you _freak!”_

“I’m not asking you to be like me,” Adora sobbed, wiping her eyes. “I have to go. I just wanted you to be there with me when I did.”

Catra blinked, and it was like it was before. The tears were gone. Adora smiled, holding out one hand. “Ask me,” she repeated.

Catra drew a breath. “Can you forgive me?”

“Oh, Catrina.” Adora shook her head. “Can you forgive yourself?”

She lunged, taking Catra by the hand and yanking her forward. Everything went black.

The scream was still leaving her when she snapped awake, in her own bed. She had to force it to a stop with a hand over her mouth, and even then the urge was still there. Every jagged breath she took felt massive, straining her lungs.

Rain pattered softly against her window. It would leave streaks. She got out of bed and pushed it up, letting the outside sounds flood her room. Moisture flecked through the mesh screen against her face, which felt nice.

She swiped her hands over her sweaty face and tacky hair. The dream stuck in her throat like a bad taste. Usually she understood what they meant. Memories, especially the bad ones, were pretty cut and dry. But Adora had never been in Scorpia’s bed. She’d never been farther than their kitchen. That wasn’t a memory.

Adora had told Catra to text her when she got home, which she did. She got back a _I just got home, too._ And then, when she didn’t answer for an hour, _Glimmer passed out on the living room carpet._

They were normal texts. But Catra couldn’t think of any answer to match that level of normalcy.

She wasn’t sure what happened. Only that when the lightning hit and scared the crap out of her, it was Adora she clung to. Adora whose solid weight had supported her and held her tight. And when the moment passed, and Catra wasn’t scared for her life anymore…

The storm had passed hours ago, but a dark cloud still hovered over the house. Catra had felt it in the dream, too. It was wrong, but she didn’t know how to address it. And she couldn’t text Adora back. It was too late, deep into the night. Adora would be asleep. She had school in the morning.

Catra didn’t want texts, or phone calls. She wanted to be held. She wanted to feel safe, and seen, and wanted. She wanted someone who would run back to the beach for her.

Scorpia wasn’t in the hallway this time. Carefully, avoiding the squeaky spots on the floor, Catra left. The house was always quiet, but tonight it was like the grave. Every step creaked as she descended through the halls, a ghost in her own home.

It felt different outside, like Salem had decided it was going to be Fall from now on. The porch light was on. A few beetles sat against the glass, shifting their wings every now and then. She didn’t see a single light on in the other houses on the street, or hear anything besides rain and wind and her own breathing. Around the back of the house, she was startled to find she wasn’t alone. But the boards creaked as she tried to make her escape, and the little old woman from Apartment One looked up from her knitting.

“Oh, hello, darling,” she croaked. Her voice cut through the quiet night like a knife. “Can’t sleep, either?”

“Um, no,” Catra said. “I didn’t mean to bother you – “

“Of course you didn’t,” she dismissed, waving a hand. “Old ladies shouldn’t be up this late, anyway. Won’t you come take some of this blanket? My old bones can’t warm it up on their own.”

Catra stood there, certain this lady hadn’t just asked her that. She went back to her knitting, humming quietly to herself, and it _was_ kind of chilly…

“I can see you from my window, you know,” she said as Catra sat next to her on the swing, pulling the thick quilt over her lap, and then up to her shoulders when she felt how warm it was. There was enough slack that it didn’t disrupt what Catra could now see was _sewing,_ not knitting. “Reading all those books. You remind me of myself, when I was a young girl.”

“I never got to read what I wanted, before I lived here,” Catra said, staring toward the ocean. She blamed the over-honesty on her lack of sleep. “I’m trying to catch up.”

“Books are a wonderful pastime,” the woman said, drawing a needle through the fabric. Catra couldn’t make heads or tails of what the design was supposed to be. “Nothing better to soothe a broken heart.”

Catra whipped her head to the side. “What?”

“I used to write, you know,” she went on. Her eyes were magnified to about a thousand behind giant circular rims. “Young people always assume others will want to hear what they have to say. I learned later in life that listening is much more difficult skill to master.”

They had exchanged pleasantries before, but this conversation seemed like a lot. Catra propped her head on her hand, leaning on the armrest. “I’ve been working on that.”

“Good, good. Now, tell me what has you awake at such an hour.”

Catra glanced over warily, then decided it didn’t matter what this woman knew. “I have nightmares. Bad ones.”

She nodded. “Yes, I hear you. Screaming at all hours.”

“ _What?!”_ Catra flinched. Scorpia told her the walls were soundproofed. “But you’re on the first floor!”

“The pipes, dear, the pipes. You had a nightmare tonight?”

It took Catra a minute to answer, still rattled by that little revelation. “Kind of.”

Silence. The old woman cycled the needle in even repetition, green thread carving out the blank space. “It was different than the usual ones,” she continued. “I guess it was less…logical. I feel like that’s important, but…but I don’t know what I’m supposed to get from it.”

“Dreams are the soul’s way of communicating with the mind.”

“…Uh-huh. So, my mind doesn’t really understand…”

“I think you do. I think someone who doesn’t understand would be able to go back to sleep.”

Catra picked at the frayed swing padding, uncertainty nagging her thoughts. Dreams were nonsense. They didn’t _mean_ anything. So why did she feel like this one did?

“Why are _you_ awake?” She asked. The old lady chuckled.

“This storm wreaked havoc on my joints. The stitching and fresh air eases the pain.”

“It was pretty bad, huh?” Catra murmured, leaning forward to see a sliver of sky. The stars were out.

“You have never visited me.”

“Um…no offense, but why would I?”

“Pah!” She yelled, wispy white hair swaying as she threw her head back. “You know we are kindred spirits. What excuse did you need?”

“I…I don’t know. You didn’t invite me.”

“How can I? You are always skittering off when I try to join you, and my knees cannot hope to climb those stairs.”

“Oh.” Catra gaped at her, horrified. “I wasn’t avoiding you. I didn’t know you wanted to talk to me that bad.”

“Would you like to try?” She asked, changing the subject once again. Catra looked at the proffered cloth, bound by a wooden loop that held it tight.

“I wouldn’t want to mess it up,” she said, taking it. The fabric was rougher than she expected.

“It’s already messed up, dear.” The woman held the needle just out of her reach, stretching the green thread all the way up. “Now, just sit out here until you’ve used up all of this.”

“You’re going inside?”

She heaved herself up, the bulky lines of her body hidden beneath draping shawls. She reached out with one gnarled hand and rested her palm against Catra’s head. This _had_ to be another dream.

“It’s not a night for talking, dear,” she said. “Only listening. You can bring that back to me in the morning.”

Catra nodded faintly. “Thank you.”

“Goodnight, dear,” she said, showing a crooked row of teeth. It was probably meant to be a smile. Then she limped off. The front door closed, and then another one inside the house. Catra exhaled and settled back, drawing her legs up and fixing the quilt more fully over her body.

_A night for listening…_

“Okay, old lady…”Catra closed her eyes, hearing the wind, the house. The sky. The grass.

When it began to make sense, she positioned the needle in her fingers and started to sew.


	6. It May Get Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Francine, AKA Frosta

One was the only apartment number without a designated mail slot in the front hall. Catra noticed this while she debated whether or not to knock. The quilt was all folded up and heavy in her arms, wooden hoop balanced on top of it. Maybe the porch had been part of the dream. Or maybe the woman was a ghost, and the quilt and fabric had always been in Scorpia’s apartment, and Catra had just never noticed until today. That seemed likely.

When she did decide to go ahead and knock, the door flew open almost instantaneously. The woman’s hair was even wilder, eyes huge behind thick glasses. “Ah,” she said, plucking the wooden hoop off the quilt. “Let me see this.”

She turned and meandered back into her apartment, tilting the fabric this way and that. Catra stood on the threshold, leaning in just slightly to take a look around. There was a lot to take in. It was much differently shaped than their apartment, so different it didn’t even seem they could be in the same building. She got the impression of many shelves with a _ton_ of stuff packed onto them. The amount of colors was a little overwhelming. She didn’t get much detail before the woman swiveled around halfway to the kitchen, blinking at her.

“It’s rude to stand in doorways, child. Come sit here and keep an old woman company for a moment.”

Catra cast a wary glance back at the steps before going all the way in. It smelled musty and strange, but not bad. She hadn’t had too much experience, but this must be what old people smelled like.

“What is it?” The woman asked. Catra took a seat next to her at the massive dining room table. Dust sat unwelcome under her fingertips from touching the chair.

“I’m not sure,” she said, looking across the wood at the mass of green she spent so long sewing. “A leaf?”

It took her two hours to use up the rest of the thread, mostly because of mistakes (pulling the point back through was way harder than pushing it). Now the needle dangled from the underside with about two inches of thread leftover. Catra hadn’t been sure what to do after that, because it didn’t seem long enough to get the needle to point up again.

“A leaf,” the woman repeated thoughtfully, undoing Catra’s last two stitches with two sharp movements. “As good as any, I suppose. Did you figure out your dream?”

Catra hesitated. Sewing was one thing. The dream, however much it disturbed her, only became more impenetrable as she examined it. Meaning hung just out of reach, ducking farther away every time she got close. “I don’t know,” she said. The woman did something complicated, winding the thread in on itself and tying a knot, producing spindly scissors out of nowhere to cut it loose. “But, um, the sewing helped. So thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” She set the needle down and spun the metal nail on the wooden hoop, loosening the two circles so they could be pried apart and the fabric could be pulled loose. “Why don’t I show you how to do it yourself, eh? Would you like some tea?”

Catra sneezed. “Okay.”

“Bless you,” the woman said, patting her hand once before standing up. “I never cleaned as often as I should, and I can’t clean as often as I used to. My daughter used to come by, before she moved – “

“I could clean,” Catra offered, then sneezed again. She could see the dust particles floating in the light from the window. “If you need someone.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, dearie,” the woman said from the kitchen. “I get around the kitchen fairly well, and the next time my daughter comes she can get the shelves – “

“No, I mean it.” Catra looked up at the vent over the stove. Filthy. And there were so many trinkets on the bookshelf. Gathering dust. “I love cleaning. And I don’t have anything else to do.”

The woman set a pot of water on the stovetop, pulling two mugs over from a drying rack by the sink. “If you insist, I may have a dust rag in the bathroom closet – “

Catra jumped to her feet. “I have supplies upstairs. Should I start now?”

For the first time, she’d managed to catch the woman off guard. “Supplies?”

“Yes,” Catra nodded. Nothing so undignified as a _dust rag_. “I’ll be right back.”

She turned on her heel and ran.

***********************************

Scorpia wasn’t the kind of person to be irritable after work. She _loved_ it. She also had great hours – home by four almost every day. It was like clockwork, and if for whatever reason she was going to be home later than usual, she’d text Catra and let her know. It was just a weird, polite thing she _always_ did.

Now it was Catra’s turn to be polite.

Scorpia’s quiet humming stopped short when she got home and saw Catra waiting for her at the kitchen table. “What’s up?” She asked, pulling her earphones out.

Catra stood up and dug the wad of cash from her hoodie pocket. “Here.”

She thrust it out between them. Scorpia hefted her duffel bag higher on one shoulder and took it with an incredulous gasp. “Where did you get _this_?”

“I think…I have a job?” Catra tested the words out, finding it even stranger now. ‘Job’ was kind of a foreign concept. But there was money involved, and a set time for her to return, so…?

“A _job?”_ Scorpia shuffled the money, counting it with wide eyes. “What?”

“Yeah. The, uh, lady in One…invited me in. And I offered to dust for her, since she’s so old and I guess she can’t reach. And that turned into me…kind of…cleaning everything. I didn’t know she was gonna _pay_ me.”

“This is three hundred dollars,” Scorpia said, then started counting all over again.

“I know! I told her not to, but she’s kind of scary. She said I could do it again next week if I wanted to.”

Scorpia’s mouth hung open. “Why were you in her apartment?”

That was less easy to explain. “We’ve…seen each other. Around the porch.”

Scorpia blew out a breath, flipping her thumb through the stack of twenties once before trying to hand it back over. “Do what you love, right?”

“No.” Catra pushed her hand back. “Keep it.”

“Why?”

“Because!” Catra said. She felt on the verge of tears again, like when she had walked up here with all that money and realized how much it actually was. “Just – take it. I don’t want it.”

“Cat,” Scorpia said, sighing. Catra hated her stupid, kind face. “You don’t owe me anything. We’ve talked about this.”

“Not really. And I disagree. I owe you everything.”

Scorpia was predictably bothered by that, but Catra was glad she’d said it. At least once.

“And three hundred doesn’t even come close to making up for – “

“No,” Scorpia said firmly. “I don’t want this. You earned it. Keep it.”

Catra crossed her arms obstinately. Scorpia seemed at a loss for a second, then divided the stack of money in half. One pile went into her pocket, the other back on the table. Catra rolled her eyes.

“I can give you money, if you need it,” Scorpia said. “You don’t have to clean the landlady’s apartment for cash.”

“What would I even spend it on?”

“Books,” Scorpia shrugged, opening the fridge. “There’s an ice cream place over there…you and Adora could go do something…”

“Me and Adora?” Catra asked, a flash of guilt overpowering a deeper, more interesting reaction to the phrase _me and Adora._ She still had never texted back. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” Scorpia said casually, letting the door swing shut with an apple in her hand. “Just, if you wanted to…” she shrugged again.

“Are you mad at me?”

“No,” she answered gently. “Why?”

Catra couldn’t explain it. Sometimes she got the impression Scorpia was a little tired of her. “Forget it. Just take the money.” She turned toward the front door.

“Where are you going?” Scorpia asked, in a lighter tone.

“On a…walk,” Catra said. Her phone felt heavy in her pocket.

“On the beach? Can I come?”

“If you want to.”

“Cool. Let me change shoes. I want to talk to you about something.”

Catra waited until she had walked up the hall to dart over and shove the remaining bills into Scorpia’s duffel bag. Then she straightened. “Did you say _landlady?!"_

*****************************

_Hey, Adora._

_Hey!_

_Sorry I didn’t text you back. I had a weird night._

_What happened? Did your power go out?_

_No. I made a friend._

_Who?_

_This old woman in my building. It’s a long story._

_Old woman?? I’ve got time._

_Actually, I was going to ask what you’re doing this weekend._

_Babysitting. With Glimmer. Her mom and her aunt (different aunt, not the one I work for) are going out of town and Micah will be fishing so we’re staying at the house with her cousin._

_How old is she?_

_Eleven, I think. Did you want to hang out? Because I’ll be back on Sunday._

_No. It was nothing._

_Okay._

***************************

Clifton was Adora’s favorite place in the world. Not that she had been many places. One hour on the interstate, singing along to Glimmer’s playlists and eating cheap drive-through food. The houses got bigger, and closer together, crowded against the edges of land so everyone could have their own place on the ocean.

The unincorporated town was a single bus ride from Salem. A long bus ride, granted, but cheap. Adora watched the browning Cedar trees fly by and remembered the fear of leaving the halfway house every morning to get to the fishery on time.

Adora saw the Wandi household for the first time the day she moved in, with one tiny bag over her shoulder and hands that wouldn’t stop shaking. She hadn’t cried until she saw the room they were giving her – small, pastel blue, and right across the hall from Glimmer. And it had a bed. A big one, all for her.

Glimmer pulled her Jeep onto the curb out front. Sunset reflected brightly off of the white shutters and windowpanes. A small wrought iron archway sat between thick hedges, and past that the landscaping was so artfully done the house felt secluded, despite the crowded suburb.

“My babies!” Angela cried as they opened the front door. Adora had just enough time to set her backpack down before Glimmer’s mother drifted into the foyer. For having such a hands-on profession, she never looked anything less than magnificent. Her long, smooth black hair fell like silk over Adora’s hands as they hugged, some French perfume tickling her nose. “Oh, I hate that we can’t have the weekend together.”

“We have an hour,” Glimmer said, enveloped in a tight embrace. “Is there food?”

“There always is.” Angela spun her around by the shoulders, pushing her toward the kitchen and winding a gentler arm through Adora’s. A formless green dress made her look every inch of her six foot two. “How is school, love?”

“I got an article posted on the Wildlife and Fisheries website,” Adora told her. Angela gasped. “Yeah. Big day for fans of diadromous fish.”

“You show me that right now,” Angela said sternly, leading Adora to the kitchen island and handing over her cell phone so she could pull it up. Glimmer was already digging in the fridge. “Honey, there’s casserole in that big Tupperware – “

“Ew! I don’t want _casserole._ ”

Adora sat at a stool and pulled the article up on Angela’s phone. It was nothing special, really, but eel ramps were important. And cool. She was probably their biggest fan.

It was an in-between time of day; chilly outside and still warm inside. All the windows were pushed open to let the air balance itself out. Angela read her work while Glimmer heated up two plates of casserole, and it was peacefully quiet for about a half-hour before Glimmer’s aunt Pari arrived.

“Take your shoes off,” they heard her scold Francine. The front door slammed shut. “Angela! You didn’t tell me you painted your door!”

She walked into the room, nearly Angela’s twin. Their only big differences were height and the headscarf Pari always had on. “Hello, girls,” she said, side-hugging Adora and tapping her watch. “Don’t tell me you haven’t packed yet.”

Angela looked skyward and took a calming breath on her way out of the room. Pari was always a chaotic presence.

“Take me with you,” Francine pleaded. She was a little mini-me of Pari, only with floppy bangs and a sour expression. “I wanna go to the fair!”

“It’s a _business_ fair, Francine,” Pari said, clearly not the first time. Behind her, Glimmer rolled her eyes. “And don’t be shy. Say hello to Glimmer and Adora.”

“Hi, Glimmer,” she said, crossing her arms and glancing accusatorily at Adora.

“Hey, Fancy,” Glimmer smiled. “Casserole?”

Francine wrinkled her nose. Adora kept her mouth shut – getting back into Francine’s good graces was probably never going to happen.

“We should go, Ang!” Pari called, waiting by the front door. “We’ll miss our dinner reservations!”

“What do you want to do tonight?” Glimmer asked Francine.

“I don’t care,” Francine said, warming up to being there. “Can we get pizza, though?”

*********************

Glimmer and Francine used Adora as a makeup model for a while, painting on her face with glitter and colored powder. They all giggled and took pictures, taking turns until it came time to scrub it all off in the shower. There was some stubborn splotches of eyeliner on the corners of Adora’s eyes that she gave up on.

“It’s going well,” Glimmer joked while Francine was in the shower, nail polish brush hanging over her big toe.

“You think so?”

Glimmer snorted. “Stop worrying. She doesn’t hate you. You just act weird around her.”

“I don’t know how to talk to her!”

“Just _talk_. About anything.”

“No. I think I’m good.”

They dragged a bunch of blankets down to the TV room. The sectional was big enough for at least five people, so the three of them fit just fine. Just like it had when it was her, Glimmer and Bow. He usually came with them on their journeys home, but this weekend he and Kyle were getting drunk with Santiago, who got on with their group surprisingly well. He had been at their library table twice that week, when Adora showed up to study between periods.

There were two other absent additions to their group. Phoebe was always talking about Scorpia, and despite her quietude at the beach, it seemed Catra had made an impression, too. There was talk of going on another group trip somewhere, but Adora always tuned out of those conversations. It seemed too soon.

She did want to see Catra again. Desperately. But she also dreaded it.

In the dark, with the TV light flickering over the floor, Adora wished she had thought to invite Catra here. At Adora's request, Glimmer hadn't told her parents about Catra. But that couldn't last forever. And anyway, she had no idea how Catra felt about kids. Probably the same as she did. Freaked out. 

_I’ve seen that one_ , she texted when Adora told her what animated movie they were watching. _Didn’t like it._

 _I’m sensing a trend, here,_ Adora sent back. _You don’t like any Disney movies, do you?_

_I liked the one about the alien. Stayed up all night looking at pictures of Hawaii._

Adora almost made fun of her some more, but then the characters on screen broke into a musical number about the ocean, and she thought she understood. Music. Lilo and Stitch didn’t have any showtunes. Just Elvis.

On the other side of the sofa, Francine was fully asleep. Glimmer wasn’t far behind, blinking her eyes open every couple of minutes, a forgotton bowl of popcorn teetering on the edge of a cushion. Adora related it all to Catra.

_Sparkles really can’t hang, huh?_

_No,_ Adora said, smiling. _First to pass out, last to wake up. She sleeps like the dead._

She sat forward, yawning and stretching. It wasn’t even eleven yet, but Glimmer had just started snoring and it was making her sleepy. She set the popcorn safely on the coffee table and went to the kitchen to clean up the pizza boxes and make sure all the windows were locked.

 _I can hear them through the wall,_ Catra said, with a vomit emoji. Adora read it and lifted her foot from the trash pedal. The lid shut with a soft hiss.

_You hear the dead??_

_No! Scorpia and Phoebe._

Catra hadn’t mentioned that Phoebe was over there. _You mean…you_ hear them _hear them?_

_What?_

If Catra didn’t know what she meant, then it probably wasn’t that _._ _What do you hear?_

_They’re just talking. And the TV is on in there but it’s not loud enough._

Adora chuckled and glanced into the TV room, at the two sleeping lumps. They wouldn’t miss her.

_I can call you, if you need a distraction._

_Please._

Adora’s old room smelled exactly how it used to. Like nothing in particular. Probably just a detergent thing, but she liked it. It made her feel safe.

The first night she slept here, she pushed the antique dresser away from the window so she could press nose against the glass and watch. She never would have guessed that so much could be happening in one neighborhood so late at night, but there _always_ was. Most of the neighbors didn’t even have curtains. Later, Glimmer had handed down an old armchair that provided a place to sit while she watched. She sank into it now, looking up at the cloudy sky.

Catra answered on the first ring. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Adora leaned back and crossed her feet on the windowsill. “So, you’re busted.”

“Huh?”

“You totally only asked me to hang out this weekend because you didn’t want to third wheel.”

“Uh…” Catra grappled with words for a moment. “It’s not the _only_ reason.”

“It’s fine,” Adora chuckled. She’d been there before.

“Scorpia made a whole thing out of asking me, like, if it would bother me if Phoebe stayed the night tonight. Because they’re getting up early to go to some art festival in Boston.” She went quiet. Adora waited, growing used to Catra’s rhythm of speech. Long pauses were just a part of it. “I told her I didn’t care. Now I think she made such a big deal because she wanted me out of the house.”

“No way,” Adora argued. “I think she just wanted to run it by you. Because she’s considerate.”

“Maybe.” Catra sounded disgusted. “Ugh. There’s whispering. And Phoebe keeps giggling. It’s driving me insane.”

“Yeah, she does that. I think they’re cute together, though.”

“I wish they would be cute _and_ quiet.”

Adora laughed. “So what are you doing, besides hiding from them?”

“I was _trying_ to read. Then I cut my toenails. I texted you…and when we hang up I’ll probably just bury my head under a pillow and scream.”

“I won’t hang up, then,” Adora promised, grinning at the ceiling. “I mean, you were just saying it was way too early to go to sleep.”

“Exactly. Thank you. I – ” Catra dropped into a whisper. “It just went completely quiet in there. That’s not good, right?”

“It’s good for _someone_ ,” Adora whispered back.

“Adora!” Catra hissed, scandalized. “Please don’t talk about my roommate like that.”

“Oh, _I’m_ sorry. You didn’t have to listen to Phoebe go on about Scorpia’s – “ She cut herself off, cheeks going hot. Well, _this_ conversation was getting away from her. She almost forgot who she was talking to.

“About Scorpia’s what?”

The specificities of the lesbian experience would make Catra a _lot_ more uncomfortable than canoodling on the couch. And Phoebe didn’t hold back with the details. “Let’s just say… giggling is the least of your worries.”

“What?” Catra sounded irritated. “Are you talking about – oh. _Oh._ ”

“Yep!”

“I didn’t even think about that.” She gasped. “The pipes.”

“Pipes?”

“Nothing. Um, surely they won’t. I’ll text her.”

“And say what?” Adora asked, eyes wide.

“That I can hear _very_ _clearly_ through the walls. Just so she knows.”

“Some people might take that as a challenge. Don’t push your luck.”

There was some shuffling that sounded like Catra sending the text anyway. “Are you referring to Sparkles? Because, gross.”

“It was so bad, when we first got the apartment,” Adora reminisced. Bow and Glim had _really_ enjoyed their freedom. No more sneaking around their parents’ houses together. “I couldn’t be in the same room as them for about two weeks.”

“Hm,” Catra said. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Have you…dated?”

All of Adora’s laughter dried up. The unease she’d been pushing down all week started banging on the door in her brain, demanding to be let in. This was a dangerous topic, and if she was smart she would change the subject. Or just hang up.

“It’s not something I’ve thought about,” Catra went on, sounding nervous. “But after seeing them together…and, I guess Bow and Sparkles, too…they seem happy. Don’t they?”

“They do,” Adora said, wincing. “Yeah. I – I’ve dated.”

“You have?” Catra asked. It was difficult to analyze her voice. “How did it go?”

“Not very well,” she admitted. “For all the obvious reasons.”

“It’s not obvious to me,” Catra said hesitantly. “But if it’s hard to talk abou – “

“People ask questions,” Adora rushed out, closing her eyes tight. “And you don’t want to open up with the whole childhood thing, so you just avoid it or – or lie. But it doesn’t work that way. You can’t keep people out, and have a relationship like that. They’ll eventually find out that you’re different.”

Catra breathed softly into the mic. Adora kept her eyes shut so she could listen to it better.

“Did you tell them?” Catra asked.

Adora shook her head. There had only been two honest attempts at a relationship, and they had both ended in flames. Everything after those had been purely physical. No-strings-attached. “No. I didn’t.” They were both whispering, now.

“Why not?”

“It would be like…” Like cracking her chest open and letting another person dig around inside of it. “It would be too much.”

“I know how you feel,” Catra sighed. And Adora felt the truth of it in her aching heart. Catra _did_ know. “I already think people can see right through me.”

“They can’t, you know,” Adora assured her.

It used to feel empowering: _I am what I show the world_ , she would tell herself. So she had crafted a mask to wear, and it was so convincing she’d forgotten there was ever anyone else underneath.

“It would be nice, though. In theory,” Catra said wistfully. “I guess maybe some people aren’t meant for it."

Adora dropped her feet from the windowsill, letting her heels hit the carpet. “Guess not.”

Catra moved around a bit, blankets and air making strange noises over the phone. “Remember how you said I was different?”

“Mmhm.”

“You are, too,” she said. “But it's...it's been nice getting to know you. Again."

Adora grit her teeth, blinking hard. 

“Oh,” Catra said, chagrined. “I think I hear giggling again. Maybe I should just give up and try to sleep before it gets worse.”

“Okay. Yeah, me too,” Adora frowned. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Adora.”

The line went dead. It was shorter than their normal phone calls, but Catra had sounded happier than usual. Adora lowered her phone, letting it fall to her lap as she pressed her fingertips to her eyes. There was just no fighting it.

For the first time in years, Adora cried. Messy tears on her cheeks and a convulsive pain in her throat that had been denied far too long. Pain that was going to take its due.

“Adora?”

She sucked in a massive breath, wiping hard at her eyes before she looked around. “Glim! How long have you been there?”

“A few seconds. You’re crying.” Glimmer moved closer, sleepy concern all over her face.

Adora wiped her eyes again, willing her breathing to go back to normal. “I’m fine.”

“Was that Cat you were talking to?”

Adora considered lying, but nodded instead. Who else would it have been?

“Did you fight?”

“No,” Adora breathed. “We didn't.”

Glimmer’s face cleared, but she still looked sad. Slowly, she crouched down in front of Adora and put a hand on each knee, giving her a long, even look.

"You love her."

Hearing it was much different than thinking it. Adora curled forward, an instinctive response to pain. Her forehead landed on Glimmer’s shoulder, stomach clutching in a sob.

“I’m sorry,” Glimmer’s voice wavered. “I’m so sorry.”

Adora didn’t know if she was apologizing for being right, or just witnessing whatever this was. Either way, it was humiliating. She didn’t want anyone seeing her like this.

“I loved her,” she bawled. The words felt like knives in her throat. Like poison. “It was wrong, and I knew it, but I loved her so much.”

“I know,” Glimmer murmured, somehow maneuvering them both back into the chair. Adora leaned into her chest, stuttering through her tears.

“I didn’t – think – I would still – but I _do._ All it took – a few weeks – ”

“Shhh,” Glimmer said. “It’s okay, Adora. You feel what you feel.”

“You tried to – warn me.”

Glimmer set her cheek on the top of Adora’s head, drawing an unsteady breath. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her.”

Adora cried. And cried. It should have been some sort of catharsis, but the only thing being purged was salt and water. She’d be dehydrated after, but no less hurt. That's why she hated it so much - crying got nothing done.

“You know…” Glimmer began, shifting uncomfortably. “Adora…she looks at you, too – “

“Stop,” Adora pleaded. “Just – don’t. Don’t do that.”

There was another long silence. She could practically hear the gears whirring in Glimmer’s mind; _Find the problem: check._ Now she was going to try and fix it. “So what are you gonna do?”

Adora almost laughed.

“I _know_ what you’ll do. How about that? I _know_ that you’re going to wake up tomorrow and pretend this didn’t happen. But it _did_ , Adora! I saw it. I won’t let you pretend.”

“I c-can’t leave her,” Adora forced out, trying to get ahead of Glimmer’s next suggestion. “Not again.”

“You could tell her. Maybe – “

“I said _don’t.”_

Glimmer exhaled sharply. “She doesn’t need you, Adora. She’s got her own – “

“ _She does!”_ Adora cried, jerking away. Glimmer had her arguing face on. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. She was alone for so long and you just don’t _get_ that. You have no idea what she went through. For everything I told you about the Church, I guarantee she had it _worse._ And it’s my fault she was alone.”

A single tear escaped Glimmer’s eye, even as she scowled heavily. “So it’s okay for you to blame yourself? For _her_ choices?”

“It’s not her fault she doesn’t...“ Adora pressed the back of her hand against her mouth, holding back a sob. “I can’t just walk away because of that.”

“Adora,” Glimmer said loudly, putting her hands on her shoulders. “It's okay to put yourself first. You'll never be happy if you don't."

Adora pushed her hands away, standing up so she could pace a restless circle. “I can be happy as her friend. I don’t need anything else. I’m…” she stopped, swallowing. It was upsettingly fitting: Adora could never connect with someone the way she did with Catra, not even close. It was selfish to ask for more. “I’m not meant for anything else.”

“ _Please_ don’t do that,” Glimmer said, sounding tired.

“Do what?!”

She got to her feet, fixing Adora with her best _I know better_ glare. “Do you feel happy right now?”

Adora’s shoulders slumped, all the fight draining out of her. Glimmer’s nostrils flared. “I love Bow,” she said. “ _So_ much. But if he didn’t feel the same, I wouldn’t torture myself by – “

“Good for you,” Adora cut in. “I guess that’s what makes us different.”

Glimmer made a loud, frustrated sound and buried her face in her hands. She would never understand - and what Glimmer didn’t understand, she attacked head on until it made sense. But Adora felt a little bit calmer. She could see the path, now. What she would have to endure. And it was okay, really. Because it was Catra. 

“I can take care of myself, Glimmer," she said. "It'll be okay."

“Okay isn’t good enough.”

Adora turned away from her, sinking back into the chair and rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. “It’ll have to be.”

*********************

So Adora dated. Another milestone that Catra would never be able to catch up to. Driving? Maybe. School? It was possible. But dating…

And what kind of person did Adora even date? Girls, obviously. But were they short, or tall? Funny or serious? Did they go to the movies? Nice dinners? Nightclubs? They were probably able to hike a lot, because Adora loved being outside. And they had to be uber-confident, always sure of themselves. Things like that.

Adora said it was hard to tell people things about her past, but there was other stuff to talk about, wasn’t there? Lots of things. In fact, dating a normal person would mean they didn’t have to talk _around_ the bad things. It wouldn’t be like with Catra, who still couldn’t talk about so much of it.

She tossed and turned all night, trying to picture it. Adora and some girl – faceless, colorless, height-less – holding hands. Or doing the same kind of thing Scorpia and Phoebe did – whispering and laughing and touching. Touching more.

Catra was a bad friend for feeling upset about it. It was just how things were; Adora would eventually find someone to do all of that with, and it wouldn’t be her. Obviously. If she wanted to be that person for Adora, then that would mean…

When she sat up, sweaty and restless, it was almost eight. Scorpia and Phoebe were gone already. Which reminded Catra of another thing Adora said.

She had spent the past sixteen months learning about everything she could; pop culture, books both classic and contemporary, politics, food. Sex was peripheral. It showed up all over the place, but especially in movies. Sometimes the entire plot of one hinged on two people getting together.

But it was definitely something that friends talked about. Maybe Scorpia thought Catra was too innocent. Which, unfortunately, was true. Watching it on a screen couldn’t help her understand. And she didn’t have any experience. No context. She really couldn’t even think of a type of man that attracted her. There was that one movie star with the shaggy brown hair and blue eyes. He was easy to look at. She imagined him being the one to touch her, but that felt awkward and wrong.

She scrolled through Netflix for a while, trying to find a movie that seemed vaguely romantic. Most of them she had seen already, since Scorpia was such a big fan. The one she settled on looked pretty generic. Also old. Blonde girl and dorky looking guy. He offers to help her out with some emergency concerning her mother’s leather suit, and in return she has to pretend they’re dating for a month. Because that kind of thing matters in public schools.

It was no better or worse than any other movie. The guy was very into the girl, but she didn’t like him until the very end, defying all social expectations and hopping onto the back of his lawnmower. They rode off into the sunset together, only kissing once. Not a sexual movie at all.

The credits rolled. She didn’t feel any better, and there was probably no movie that would give her what she needed. And there was nothing to _clean_.

 _‘Cant Buy Me Love’_ , she texted Adora. _Two stars. I didn’t understand a thing anyone was saying._

 _That’s the 80s for you,_ Adora answered.

That’s what they talked about for the next hour or so, while Catra scrubbed water spots from their glass cups. The 80s. Adora knew a lot about it, for some reason. She knew a lot about a lot of stuff. And so did Scorpia, but Catra liked it better when Adora explained things.

 _Neon,_ Adora said, _that was a big deal._

Attached to that message was a picture. Catra unlocked her phone all the way to get a better look. It was Adora’s face, really close up. There was a bright light shining on her, illuminating all the swirls of bright pink and purple someone had stenciled onto her eyes. Her cheeks were pinker than usual and her lips were bright orange. She grinned ear to ear, eyes fixed on something off-camera and a little blurred, like she’d been moving while the picture was snapped, light glinting off her teeth. It could have been an ad in a magazine, she was so beautiful. 

_What was that for?_ Catra asked.

_We were just messing around last night. Glimmer decided on 80s because we were listening to Journey on Spotify._

Catra thought it was really cool. She had never seen makeup that looked so…fun. It made Adora look different and exotic and bright. 

_I like it,_ Catra said, and then proceeded to stare at it for a very long time.

*******************

Scorpia came back much later in the day, when Catra was on the couch again.

“How was it?” Catra asked.

Scorpia shrugged off her jacket – was it jacket weather now? – and kicked off her shoes. Phoebe wasn’t with her. “Really nice out. And there was some cool art. What are you watching?”

“I don’t know. It autoplayed.”

Scorpia sat down on the other end of the couch, running a hand through her hair and texting with a half-smile on her face. Definitely Phoebe, then. Catra cleared her throat and sat up a little, pulling her legs up so her feet weren’t brushing Scorpia’s thighs. She’d had all day to think, and something was really starting to bother her. _Just get it over with._

“You really like her.”

Scorpia blinked and looked up, surprised. “Yeah. A lot.”

“What’s it like?”

“…what’s it like to…like her?”

Catra nodded, then shrugged. “Or, you know, other stuff.”

She was determined to sound casual, but Scorpia suddenly looked suspicious. “What other stuff?”

There was really no way to put it nicely. She cast around for euphemisms, but had to just go out there with it. Like in the movies. They talked about it all the time in the movies. “You’re having sex with her.”

Scorpia didn’t move at all, but her face twitched into shock. Like she’d been slapped. “You’re asking me about _sex?”_

Catra cringed internally. “Is that not allowed?”

Scorpia blushed and turned forward, crossing her arms. It was funny-looking on her pale face. “It’s just kinda personal.”

“Oh.” Catra deflated. “Phoebe talks about it.”

“What!” Scorpia squeaked, jarring the couch an inch to the left as she swiveled again, bracing one arm on the back. “To you?”

“No. To Adora.”

She relaxed somewhat. “Oh, gosh.” Something horrified passed over her face. “What did she say?”

Catra shrugged.

“Was it…good things?”

“I don’t know,” Catra said, not getting why Scorpia seemed so worried. “Why would it be bad?”

“It’s not bad,” Scorpia said, looking off to the side. “At least, _I_ don’t think…” she shook her head. “What was the question, here?”

Catra shrugged. “I’m just curious.”

“About…sex,” Scorpia repeated. Catra nodded. “And you’re asking…me.”

She seemed truly disturbed, which Catra felt bad about. “I don’t have anyone else to ask. And in the movies, it’s too…I don’t know.”

“Uh-huh,” Scorpia said slowly, pulling one foot up and frowning thoughtfully. “Okay…you’re asking…what, exactly?”

Catra shrugged tightly, trying not to scream in frustration. She didn’t know how to be more specific than that. She knew what sex was, of course. She knew how babies were made. Not that that applied, with Scorpia. “How do you know…you want to do that? With someone?”

Catra wasn't sure where that question came from, but at least it didn't freak Scorpia out any more. She just scrunched her nose up, raising her eyebrows like she'd never thought about it.

“If you like them enough, I guess it…just…happens?”

“And how do you know you like someone?”

“Again, you just know.”

“Oh,” Catra said, disappointed. If not even Scorpia could explain it, Catra probably would just never –

“With Phoebe,” Scorpia continued, a line between her eyebrows. “We met on an app, so the first thing I noticed was how beautiful she was. And then I was lucky we actually got along. Sometimes, though, you can be friends with someone, for a long time, and all of a sudden you have feelings for them.”

She glanced up at Catra, then cleared her throat. “You just want to talk to them all the time, and be near them, and…you would do anything to make them laugh, or smile. And I guess it’s not true for everyone, but for _me_...“ She frowned harder and seemed to change her mind about something. “On our first date, me and Phoebe held hands. That was it. But I thought about it all night. I thought about _her._ Is…any of this helping?”

Catra shook her head, eyesight blurring. “How is that different than friendship?”

Scorpia threw her a sideways, mystified look. “Because on our second date, I kissed her. And she kissed me back. Friends don’t do that.”

“But it’s not just that,” she added a second later. “It’s everything. Maybe dating is more casual to some people, but what I’m looking for is a lot more than just friendship. I want someone who I can share my life with. Who I can share everything with. And I shouldn’t speak for Phoebe, but I really, _really_ like her. I might even love – are you okay?! _Cat!_ ”

Catra vaguely heard her phone fall to the floor as she vaulted up, but by the time she got to the bathroom she’d completely forgotten about it. Her knees hit the tile and clear bile burned her nose and throat, expelled into the basin in a torrent of anguish. She cursed herself for not eating any breakfast.

Somewhere between the first and second heave, it clicked. Everything made perfect, horrible sense. The dream. The realization that had been hanging just out of reach all week. The storm cloud - what she had been so scared of. They were all the _same_. And they had the same name.

Adora.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Angella to Angela wasn't too much of a leap for anyone (jk). And she's Indian, because so is Angella's voice actress. The character of Pari was completely made up for this fic, and I named her after the Punjabi word for Fairy. To add to the 'magic' themes in Glimmer's family, I picked Wandi as Micah's last name. It's a Thai surname I thought fit really well.
> 
> Also I'm gonna add my twitter handle for anyone who wants to come chat She-Ra or whatever :) Thanks!
> 
> @alibirooms


	7. One Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW/ This chapter references past eating disorders and past attempted sexual assault.

_“Nobody,” Adora said. “Just me.”_

_Catra frowned, growing more uneasy by the second. Adora took a big breath and placed both of Catra’s hands on her cheeks. Fresh tears beaded up in her eyelashes, and it was a little unfair how she could be so beautiful while crying. Sometimes Catra forgot, because it happened so rarely._

_“I have to tell you something,” she whispered. “Something big.”_

_Her too-warm tears dripped over Catra’s fingers. She wanted to pull away, but she hadn’t touched Adora’s face like this in a very long time. It was kind of nice._

_“We used to talk about running away. Remember?”_

_Now she_ did _try to pull away, but Adora’s hands flew up to stop her, holding her in place. She shifted her whole body closer, which was nothing unusual but made Catra hold her breath as Adora’s ghosted over her face._

_“We could do it. I know we could.”_

_“What are you_ talking _about?” Catra asked, struggling to stay at a whisper as she carefully enunciated each word. “Leave? You’re almost eighteen. We’re almost out of the orphanage!”_

_Which was a good thing, even if Catra was utterly dreading it. They had three months between them, and Catra wasn’t sure if Adora would be given a new roommate in the main building. It would be better if they stayed together…_

_“And then what?” Adora’s hands tightened, leaning in closer so she could raise her voice the slightest amount. “I commit? I…stay here forever?” She leaned her cheek against Catra’s left hand, drawing the other to her chest to curl over her heart. “I’ve been thinking about it, Catra. I think there’s more to life than just this.”_

_Catra yanked herself away, standing so fast her head spun. Adora’s hands hung in the hair before dropping. “Oh, yeah, there’s so much more,” she said sarcastically. “Where would you go? Have you even thought that far ahead?” Adora’s face twitched, like she had. “The world out there – it’s evil. You know what happened to Marcia! She’s_ still _not the same! You want the same thing to happen to you?”_

_“No,” Adora argued, clutching the front of her dress. “But it’s a risk I have to – “_

_“_ What?” _Catra said, too loudly. “You don’t_ have _to do anything! Just stick to our_ plan _, Adora! What’s gotten into you?”_

_Adora’s eyes closed, like she was frustrated, only the tell-tale eyebrow scrunch was absent. “I have these feelings,” she said, then opened her eyes. “Unholy feelings.”_

_Catra looked her up and down. “What – ?”_

_“Feelings.” She took an unsteady breath. “That we aren’t supposed to have. But when we do…it’s supposed to be boys.”_

_Catra squinted. “Adora.”_

_“But it’s not. For me, it’s – it’s girls.”_

_Catra waited for something else, but there was nothing. Only silence. Well, not complete silence – the sound of her entire world crumbling around her was kind of loud._

_“That – that’s wrong,” she grit out, although Adora really shouldn’t have needed the reminder. “You’re just confused. Go pray about it.”_

_“That’s the thing,” Adora said, avoiding her eyes. “I have prayed. I’ve prayed for about a year. I don’t feel any differently. And…I don’t see how what I feel can be wrong.”_

_Catra clenched her hands into fists. “You are_ not _a…” she glanced at the door, lowering her voice. “Homosexual. You’re_ not _.”_

_“What if I was?” Adora blinked, looking up at her beseechingly. “What if I am?”_

_“If you were, then – then I would be disgusted by you,” Catra spat, hoping her harsh words would at least snap Adora out of it. It wasn’t true. It_ couldn’t _be true. Adora wouldn’t risk their friendship like that. “You’re better than that. You’re not a sinner. Who made you think this about yourself?”_

 _Adora’s face twisted in pain, which only made Catra angrier._ She _was going to cry? What did_ she _have to be so sad about? “Stop crying,” she hissed. “Just_ stop!”

 _“You know what?_ _I can’t stay here,” Adora said in a thin voice. Catra couldn’t even look at her. “I’m asking you to come with – “_

“No!” _Catra cried, shoving her. Adora caught herself with one arm, and instead of sitting back up she just curled onto her side, face blank again. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You – you freak!”_

_Adora clenched her jaw, her voice one blow from shattering. “I’m not asking you to be like me.” She wiped her eyes with one hand, sniffing. “I have to go. I just wanted you to be there with me when I did.”_

_“I’m here with you_ now!” _Catra whisper-yelled. “And you want to throw it all away because of -what? Who is it?”_

_Adora stared at the wall, tears streaking down her face.._

_“Who, Adora?!”_

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_Catra felt like her lungs were going to explode. Adora was bluffing. She was always fantasizing about whatever, and even if this was a new level of deluded, it was just a fight, and everything would be fine in a few days._

_“Catra,” Adora whispered, curling her arms around herself. “Please just think about it.”_

_“No.” Catra resisted the urge to just pounce and attack. Wrestling usually brought their fights to a close._ "You _think about it.”_

_Adora closed her eyes, and her face looked almost peaceful in a really scary way. How could she just drop all of this on Catra’s shoulders and act like it was nothing?_

_“Do you think you’re the only person who ever had doubts? You think running away is the answer?”_

_Adora didn’t seem to be listening. Catra kicked her bed so hard she felt something break. Pain radiated up her leg. “You need help. You’re sick, and the outside world isn’t gonna make you any better.”_

_“Goodnight,” Adora whispered. It sounded like goodbye. Catra got into bed and listened to her quiet sobs for hours._

“She was gone three days later,” Catra said, gripping the toilet bowl for balance. “We didn’t say another word to each other for five years.”

Scorpia, sitting on the edge of the tub next to her, didn’t say anything

It all seemed so stupid, in hindsight. Catra had spent those three days driving herself insane trying to figure out who it was Adora liked _so much_ she would throw everything away just to chase that feeling. She still wondered, but that was hardly the point.

It had made her so angry…because it wasn’t her. And that wasn’t a normal thing to feel. Every single memory she treasured of the two of them took on a new light. A bright, unwelcome light. She had loved Adora the whole time.

A thick, fetid emotion settled at the bottom of her stomach.

“Well, that explains a lot,” Scorpia finally muttered. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

“It’s – It’s not the end of the world. You didn’t care that _I_ was – “

“I don’t care,” Catra said, staring at her own, vaguely yellow sick swirling around. “Because it’s _you._ And it’s Adora. It’s not supposed to be _me._ I’m not – “

Her stomach decided to roll, though nothing came out.

“She forgave you,” Scorpia pointed out

Catra swallowed. “Yeah, but this is _worse._ Everything I said is a thousand times _worse_ if _I’m_ – if I’m – am I?” She turned to Scorpia, suddenly unsure. Maybe she was just overreacting, and this was her guilt and fear pushing her to rash conclusions. “Is that what this means?”

Scorpia gave a small little laugh at her expense, sliding down to sit on the floor. “I can’t tell you what it means,” she said. Catra groaned. “Does it matter?”

The water churned as Catra flushed. She was filled with disgust, but at least it was only aimed at herself. For now. She was terrified it would spread, infecting everything. Why was this happening? Why couldn’t they just be _friends?_

“I’m sorry,” Scorpia said, putting a hand on her back and then drawing it back. “I wish this wasn’t so difficult for you. With two moms, I never had to question myself. I always knew.”

 _Good for you_ , Catra thought, wiping her mouth with her shirt collar. Scorpia had all kinds of support, and thanks to Catra Adora had none. Not until she met Sparkles, at least.

“And, you know, I’m starting to sense you and Adora were really…codependent. Everything was all wound up, so of course you didn’t know what was…one thing, and what was another. I was sure you did, though. Up until you were so shocked about _me…”_

“You knew.” Catra almost rubbed her eyes, because tears of pain still prickled along her face. But she remembered she’d just been touching the toilet, and didn’t. “What else do you know?"

Scorpa was quiet for a minute, before taking a sorrowful breath. “I know it’s not hopeless.”

“What?” Catra asked, and then suddenly she knew what Scorpia was saying. “No. It _is_ hopeless.”

“But – “

“Me, Scorpia?” She laughed bitterly. “Adora…she’s – she’s kind, and considerate, and she _listens._ I’m not any of that. What would she want with me?”

But it was way too early to be thinking about any of that, painful as it was. Catra was not straight. She couldn’t be if, she liked Adora. So what did it make her? She couldn’t even think the word without her stomach sending up warning signals. If what she felt for Adora was _attraction_ , as she sorely suspected it was, then she had never felt it for anyone else, ever. Not even close. She liked Scorpia enough, but it wasn’t…she didn’t want…

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Scorpia chastised. “You’re… plenty of those things. In your own way.”

“I’m pathetic.”

“Well, I know for a fact she almost kissed you. In Melanie’s car.”

Catra’s heart lurched, instead of her stomach. It was an unpleasant, jarring feeling, followed by a sharp retaliation from the thing that sat in her gut. Disgust. “That’s not what – “

Scorpia raised her eyebrows. “That’s exactly what happened. I saw the whole thing.”

Catra imagined, for a brief second, what it would have been like if Adora _had_ kissed her. It was good and not-good all at once, so contradicting that she had to lean over the toilet again. Scorpia squeezed her shoulder.

“I’ll go get you some water.”

***********************

SUNDAY

Adora expected Glimmer to keep wheedling away at her, but she didn’t expect Bow to be an accomplice. Catra was still being evasive, so she spent Sunday afternoon pruning the plants and trying to organize her closet. Her cleaning playlist crooned over the speaker while she sat elbow-deep in clothes and shoes on her bedroom floor.

“Hey,” Bow said, knocking on her doorframe. She smiled in response. “Need help?”

“You can fold, if you want,” Adora yawned. “Where’s Glim?”

It wasn’t so unusual for Bow to be in their apartment without her. He had his own key, which was nice. It meant there was someone around even when Glimmer was busy, and Adora would just as soon spend an afternoon in the gym with him as watch Glimmer paint or sculpt.

“I think she went to Hobby Lobby.” He started in on the pile with careful movements, something clearly on his mind. Adora tried to be optimistic and hope he wouldn’t say it.

“You know,” he started, looking down at his lap as he folded. Adora sighed. “I never – “

“Glimmer put you up to this,” Adora guessed. Bow made a face. “Let’s just pretend you said what you had to say, okay? That’ll be that.”

“Well – “

“Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it,” she continued, slapping a sweater down onto the finished pile. “It’s fine that she told you, but it doesn’t change anything.”

Bow opened his mouth.

“And I don’t know why she thinks you could – “

“She didn’t tell me to talk to you,” Bow interrupted, raising his eyebrows at Adora’s surprise. “What makes you think this is about Catra?”

“Fine,” she acquiesced. “What is it about?”

Bow hesitated, hands abandoning their work and twisting together plaintively. “Just hear me out.”

“I knew it.” She tossed a pair of leggings at his face, getting to her feet. “Don’t make me beat the crap out of you, Bow.”

“Adora – “

“ _La la la la la,”_ she sang, covering her ears and exiting the room. Bow didn’t follow. She stayed in the kitchen under the pretense of making coffee, until she heard him disappear back into Glimmer’s room.

All her clothes had been folded.

*****************************

MONDAY

“Why does she call you Catra?”

Scorpia sat on the couch with her laptop, Catra sewing at her feet. She kept putting her leg right where Catra’s elbow needed to be. It was very rude.

The question made her shoulders go tense, for no other reason than it was unexpected. She didn’t mind answering, but Scorpia had never asked questions like this before. Saturday's toiletside story time had broken some sort of dam.

“It was my nickname,” Catra told her.

“So…Cat isn’t your real name?”

“Uh-uh.” The red thread was starting to take shape. What shape that was, however, Catra had no idea. She adjusted her grip on the wooden hoop, squinting to find the exact juncture the needle needed to go through.

Scorpia tapped the butt of her pen on Catra’s head, ruining her focus. “So what is it?”

“I don’t want to tell you,” Catra said, considering stabbing her in the shin.

“Too bad.”

She got tapped again, and half-turned, ducking her head out of reach. “You’re not allowed to use it. _Ever_.”

“Why?” Scorpia asked, nonplussed.

Catra heaved a sigh, dropping her forehead to the couch cushion. “Catrina.”

She could practically hear the heart eyes in Scorpia’s tone. “Oh! That’s so pretty!”

“No.”

“I’ve never heard that as a name before! Why don’t you like it?”

“I didn’t pick it.”

“I didn’t pick my name, either,” Scorpia challenged. Catra peeked up with one eye open.

“Adora made it up. The nickname.” It was the truth, but as she said it Catra realized it was more of an admission. One Scorpia caught onto, biting her lip against a smile. “Shut up.”

“Cat, that’s _adorable._ ”

Catra did stab her, then. Right in the calf.

**********************************

TUESDAY

Texting Catra was a nice break between bouts of studying. The sun from the open window warmed her back, giving a natural, glowing afternoon light to the collection of class notes and PowerPoint printouts she had covering the coffee table.

Bow sat at the far end, clicking and clacking on his computer with a serious expression. Adora belatedly noticed the cropped sweatshirt he had on was hers. She’d have to remember not to leave him alone with her laundry again.

_Bow stole my shirt._

_So steal it back. That’s what me and Scorpia do._

Adora tapped her phone screen with her thumbnail before answering. _You steal her clothes?_

 _All the time,_ Catra said. Adora frowned. _Sweaters, mostly. It’s like wearing a big blanket._

Their front door opened without so much as a knock. Phoebe’s hair and three scarves billowed in the wind. “What page are you on?” She asked, sounding harried as she shut the door. Adora looked down at her study guide.

“Two.”

“Okay,” she breathed, fluttering her hands around before gathering her wits enough to come join them on the floor. Glimmer, on the couch, looked up from her sketchbook long enough to share a look with Adora, where they silently agreed that the weather in no way warranted three scarves and that Phoebe must be very stressed. That rarely happened. “Good. I haven’t had time to work on it this week.”

“You’re not suggesting I let you _cheat_?” Adora said playfully, tugging her stapled packet away. But Phoebe was in a fluttery mood, so she didn’t even crack a smile as she snatched at it and took pictures with her phone. “Why are you freaking out?”

“It’s the midterm!”

“It’s _Dendro_ ,” Adora pointed out. “And you’ve aced all the quizzes.”

“I know,” Phoebe said, sitting back against the couch and pushing Adora’s study guide back over. “I just feel a little behind, I guess.”

“Take it up with Bow. He could easily hack George’s computer to get the answers.”

“It would be easy,” Bow conceded. “But I won’t.”

“I’ve just been so busy,” Phoebe said, twisting her long braid in her hands. Little butterfly clips glittered at intervals. “I can’t focus.”

“Busy driving to Salem,” Glimmer said from behind her sketchbook. Phoebe blushed.

 _I really suck at this,_ Catra said. _Why is sewing so much harder than it looks?_

_What are you sewing?_

_Literally just a scrap of fabric. And I can’t even do that right._

_I'm sure it's fine. And you're definitely better at than I am._

“Earth to Adora,” Phoebe said sweetly. Adora had missed the last few seconds of conversation, her skin prickling under the gaze of all three of her friends.

“What? The chapter two notes are under the angiosperm diag – ”

“Are you texting Cat?” Phoebe asked, with a very specific kind of smile.

Adora stared at her, realization dawning slowly. “You know,” she guessed. Behind the sketchbook, Glimmer erased something very loudly. “What the hell, guys?”

“I didn’t do it,” Bow said quickly.

“I know,” Adora snapped, flinging a pen in Glimmer's direction. She lowered her book, looking contrite. “It stops here, do you understand me?”

“Phoebe knows things!" She said, pouting. "Phoebe’s allowed to know things!”

“ _Phoebe_ is sleeping with the enemy!”

Phoebe tilted her head to the side, rolling her eyes. “I won’t say a word to Scorpia, Adora. I swear I would never do that to you. Or Cat.”

“What?”

Phoebe pressed her lips together.

“Fine.” Adora blinked down at her homework, then decided she couldn’t be in the same room as them anymore. Every time they pulled stuff like this, she was going to have to stop and completely reset her brain. “You can do page three by yourself.”

“Adora,” Glimmer pleaded as she stomped off.

“And Scorpia’s not the enemy!” Phoebe called.

*********************

WEDNESDAY

“You’re in _love_ ,” Phoebe sang, throwing her arms around Catra’s shoulders. Catra considered shoving her back through the door and slamming it shut. This would be the last time she answered a knock. “Oh, I see it all over your face!”

“Scorpia!” Catra yelled, pushing Phoebe off. She smelled like a million rotting flowers, and her smile was infuriating. “ _SCORPIA!”_

Scorpia’s bedroom door opened. She sauntered out, hair still wet from her post-dye wash. The air still smelled like bleach. “Hey, babe,” she said, face lighting up.

Catra seethed.

Phoebe floated over to her, letting Scorpia catch her by the waist and sweep her close in a move so smooth it _had_ to be practiced. They acted like this _every time_ Phoebe came over, too. And this was, what, the fourth or fifth? “I missed you,” Scorpia murmured, bending down to kiss her. Phoebe whispered back the same, winding her hands up into Scorpia’s hair and pressing their mouths together.

Catra was far past being curious about girls kissing. Well, a little bit past it. And definitely done watching _these_ two do it. “You saw each other on Monday,” she said loudly. “And _what_ did she just ask me?"

Scorpia straightened up like she had forgotten Catra was there. Which she probably had. “Who?”

“Me,” Phoebe answered, trailing her fingers down Scorpia’s biceps. “I said she looks like she’s in _looove.”_

Catra threw her whole body forward, nails tearing through empty air. Scorpia had just barely pulled Phoebe out of the way in time, hiding her behind her massive bulk and holding Catra at arm’s length.

“ _I will murder you!"_

“She doesn’t mean that,” Scorpia said quickly. Catra growled her disagreement. “Calm down, wildcat.”

“Can we talk?” Catra said through her teeth. “ _Alone?”_

Scorpia hesitated.

“I’ll go to your room,” Phoebe said, unhelpfully. Her being in there wouldn’t do much to keep Scorpia’s focus on Catra. But instead of _going_ there, she leaned around Scorpia to give Catra a wide-eyed look. “I would never tell – “

Whatever passed over Catra’s face made Phoebe fall silent, prancing off to Scorpia’s room.

“I trusted you,” Catra whispered, when the door closed. Anger put little black spots in her vision, and she almost forgot how to connect words to her mouth. Scorpia took advantage of her silence.

“I didn’t tell her. She guessed.”

“She _guessed?”_

“We were talking about you last night – “

“ _Why?”_

Scorpia shrugged. “I don’t know. I talk about you all the time. And she talks about Adora, so…it just kind of came out.”

“ _What_ came out?”

“You did.” Scorpia smiled weakly. “I _really_ didn’t tell her. She just…sees all the same things I did.”

There was a persistent, sour taste in the base of Catra’s throat. She might start throwing up again. “She’s one of Adora’s best friends. Don’t you think – “

“I swore her to secrecy, okay?” Scorpia tried to put her hands on her shoulders. Catra shook her away. “After she had already sworn herself to secrecy.”

It was scary enough already. If Adora found out what Catra was still trying to understand, things would change. _Everything_ would change.

Okay, maybe Adora wouldn’t be mad. Maybe she would accept it right off the bat, since she probably had girls fawning over her all the time. But she might not. She might start asking questions, not the least of which might be something like _who the fuck do you think you are?_ Because, like Dream-Adora had reminded her, Catra knew they both still remembered every word of what she said that night at the Church.

They had just gotten to be friends again, and one friend being made aware of the other friend’s crush wasn’t part of the plan. She didn’t know what she’d do if this got ruined. This was everything.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Scorpia said. “Catra, I swear. I trust her.”

Catra tried to control her expression, nodding. “Fine. Whatever. Just tell her not to hug me again.”

Scorpia nodded, and Catra went back to her reading, ignoring the curling shadow that expanded in her torso.

*********************

THURSDAY

“So I think everyone’s going out dancing tomorrow night,” Adora said over the phone. Catra stopped scribbling in her notebook.

“Dancing?”

“The Hadley. It’s a bar right off campus, but on the weekends it’s more of a club. And they don’t card, either.” She cleared her throat. “Not that that matters for us anymore, I guess. But it was a pretty good incentive when I was a freshman.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun,” Catra said.

“It is! We get all dressed up and super buzzed – though I’m usually the one who drives, so I can’t – and all crash at my apartment after. I just think you would have a lot of fun. Even if the music’s loud there’s a patio – “

“I can’t,” Catra said, because it had to be said. Because she really, really wanted to go. “The… music. It would be too loud.”

“Right,” Adora sighed. “Well, that’s too bad. But I get it.”

A small part of Catra was relieved. She didn’t know if she was ready to see Adora in person. What if she said something stupid? What if Phoebe had _already_ said something stupid?

“I guess Phoebe and Scorpia will go, too,” Catra surmised. She hadn’t had a night alone in the apartment in quite a while. “She didn’t say anything…”

“Me and Glimmer and Bow were _just_ talking about it. We’ll text everyone tomorrow and get answers.”

But that sounded like the kind of thing Phoebe lived for, so Scorpia would definitely be going. “Cool.”

“So it’s a no from you? Just double checking.”

“It’s a no,” Catra said, digging the tip of her pen into the paper. “Sorry.”

“No worries. So what are your plans tomorrow?”

“Well, Friday nights are the same as any other, for me. Only I guess you’ll be calling me a little later than usual. And a lot drunker.”

Adora giggled. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“Why not?” Drunk shenanigans were always fun in the movies. Scorpia drank from time to time. Beer, mostly, and sometimes it made her face all pink and her laughter high pitched. Catra didn’t know if that was _drunk_ , but it was certainly fun.

There was a long silence before Adora answered. “I just say stupid things when I’m drunk, sometimes.”

“How stupid?” Catra asked, wondering if any of those things would exist as videos on Sparkles’ phone.

“Did you finish your book yet?”

Adora was exceptionally bad at changing the subject. “Almost,” Catra answered, dragging it closer to her on the mattress. “It’s scary.”

 _The Haunting of Hill House_. Every big list of ‘classics’ included it, and she could see why. It was spooky in an unsettling sort of way, without being predictable. And the main character, Eleanor, was very lonely. Lonely enough to leave her entire life behind to stay at a random house to investigate ghosts. Most people were lonely, Catra thought, so they could relate.

“Didn’t they make a movie about that?” Adora asked.

“I don’t know.” Catra hoped so. She hoped it didn’t suck, like most of the book-to-movie adaptations she’d watched. “I’ll have to look and see.”

“I just googled it,” Adora said. Catra raised her eyebrows. “Looks like there’s one from ’99 and one from the sixties. But everyone hates the nineties one.”

“I’ve never watched a movie from the sixties.”

“ _What?_ You never saw _The Birds? Rosemary’s Baby?”_

“Nope,” Catra said.

“What the hell kind of tour is Scorpia giving you?”

Catra thought about it, sketching a circle. “ _Toy Story_ , um, _The Muppet Movie,_ _Jaws,_ _Die Hard…”_

“She’s worse than a guy,” Adora scoffed. “Those aren’t classics.”

“Now who has opinions?” Catra murmured.

“We should have a movie night! With real movies! Glimmer has all three Lord of the Rings – “

“Boring!”

“Okay, what about…” She went off on a tangent, then. Catra couldn’t keep up with it, instead shading in the circles at random intervals.

“Yeah,” she said when Adora had finished. “A movie night would be fun.”

“I’ll tell Glimmer. She loves planning stuff like that.”

 _Oh, great,_ Catra thought, her mood souring. “Sure.”

Adora yawned. “I better go shower before bed. Let me know if you change your mind about tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Catra said. “Have fun.”

“Goodnight, Catra.”

“Goodnight.” Catra hung up, setting her phone down on a pillow and picking up her book. Adora was in the shower right now.

Unbidden, her memories of the beach came back. Adora’s hair dripping onto her sun-heated skin. Leaning in so close Catra could see each individual drop of water sliding slowly down the bridge of her nose and over the curve of her lips. Their faces less than a foot apart, only the slightest of ocean breezes separating them.

Her pulse raced and her face heated up just thinking about it. On cue, a wave of disgust roiled in her stomach. It was a horrible feeling, one she was really getting used to this week. How had it taken so long for her to realize the truth? She never felt this way about Scorpia, even if she was objectively good-looking. And strong. And tall. All things that she liked about Adora.

She opened the book obstinately, trying desperately to focus on prose instead of thinking about Adora and showers.

**********************

FRIDAY

Scorpia did her fair share of trying to get Catra out the door Friday afternoon, but it was no dice. She had looked amazing, Catra could admit, in black pants and a black, billowy shirt. And she wore _makeup_ , too, which was new.

Catra didn’t know what she would wear, if she did decide to go. So it was lucky she was staying home.

“I’ll be staying at Phoebe’s, so you’ll be here alone,” Scorpia reminded her as she walked out the door.

“Yeah,” Catra said, trying to channel all her frustration into one word. She _was_ capable of being on her own for a night. “Be safe.”

“You, too,” Scorpia called just as the door closed.

Two hours later, it was dark out and Catra had settled in on the couch with her book. Normally she slept in Scorpia’s bed when she was away, because it was bigger and way more comfortable. But nowadays she wasn’t sure what kinds of things had been happening in there. Or the couch, for that matter, but she tried not to think about that.

The lights were all on, because the book was really starting to scare her, but she still flinched horribly as her phone started vibrating on the coffee table. It was Adora, which put Catra on edge. She hadn’t expected to hear from her until much later. If at all.

Her hand shook with fresh adrenaline from her jump scare as she swiped to answer. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Adora said in a rush. “So, I did something a little impulsive and I totally understand if it’s not cool. It’s – just – I meant to call you when I got on the road but I didn’t have service and there was a cop behind me so I didn’t – “

“Are you okay?” Catra asked bluntly. “Is this a drunk call?”

Adora exhaled. “I’m at your door.”

It was true. She was standing on the porch when Catra ripped the front door open (at a respectable volume – during her cleaning session on Wednesday the old woman informed her that eight thirty was bedtime). A big brown bag balanced in the crook of her elbow, a bottle of wine hanging from her other hand. The porch light reflected bright off her hair, swept up in an artfully twisted bun, stray pieces falling out all around. It was much more elegant than the sweats she had on, and the socks and sandals really finished off the look.

Catra belatedly realized she still had her phone pressed to her ear. She lowered it. “You’re at my house.”

“Yeah,” Adora said, shifting uncomfortably, like she couldn’t believe it, either.

“Why aren’t you out dancing?”

Adora’s eyes crinkled, though she wasn’t smiling. “It didn’t feel right. You being here all alone. Plus everyone is all…paired off at the moment. I would have been kind of bored.”

Like that day at the bookstore, Catra didn’t feel like this was really happening. “You came here…because you would be bored?”

Adora shook her head slowly. “No. I…I came up with the idea for going out tonight because I thought it would be something fun to do together. And it ended up just leaving you all alone.”

Shame pulsed through Catra’s chest. Adora couldn’t have fun because of her. “I’m not lonely,” she said, hoping to reassure her. “I like being alone.”

“Noted.” Adora’s mouth tilted up at the corners. “So… do you like it enough to send me home?”

“No,” Catra said, way too eagerly. “No, come in.”

Finally, Adora smiled, wide and toothy. Catra let her by, shutting and locking the door softly. _This is fine,_ she thought to herself, and was surprised to mean it. It _was_ fine. She shouldn’t have worried – seeing Adora in person was no different than talking on the phone. Nothing would change so long as Catra could keep unsavory thoughts at the back of her brain.

“It’s open,” she whispered as they reached the top landing. Adora handed the bottle back, fumbling with the handle and flooding the stairway with light when she finally turned it. In the kitchen, Catra turned the heavy glass up to read the lable.

“White Zinfandel?”

“It’s wine,” Adora supplied, setting the brown bag on the table. “Really sweet, basically fruit juice. It was on sale.” She shrugged.

“You went to the store?” Catra asked, peering dubiously into the bag.

“Yeah.” Adora hooked her pinky on the edge, pulling it open. “I just grabbed some junk food. Popcorn. Movie stuff.”

Adora had a third bag, slung behind her shoulders she set it down in an empty chair. It looked like an overnight bag. Was she staying the night? Was that a stupid question to ask, or was it supposed to be obvious because of the wine? “Movie night?” She asked instead, feeling herself smile.

“If you want to,” Adora bit her lip. “But feel free to tell me to leave. Really. I should have called.”

“It’s a nice surprise,” Catra said, taking note of the way Adora’s eyes darted around curiously. “And, honestly, I was getting kind of freaked out.”

“Why?” Adora asked, frowning deeply, like whatever had scared her would get a personal beat down.

“The book. I’ve got a chapter left.”

“Okay!” Adora straightened up. “When you’re finished, maybe we could look for the movie!”

Catra wasn’t sure she could focus on reading while Adora was there, but she nodded, caught up in the mutual excitement of them being together after what felt like so long. She would have shaved her eyebrows off if Adora suggested it. “What are you gonna do while I do that?”

“Well,” Adora said in a low, playful voice. She plucked the bottle out of Catra’s inexplicably sweaty hands. “I’ll pour two glasses. After I scrub this crap off my face,” she added begrudgingly.

Catra leaned in, squinting until she could make out the faint lines painted on Adora’s lower eyelids. Mascara darkened her lashes, but it was so subtle she hadn’t noticed it. Until their noses were almost touching.

“This was a _really_ last minute decision, wasn’t it?” She asked, falling back on her heels.

“I was literally about to walk out the door,” Adora smiled, huffing a laugh. “Glimmer was so pissed.”

“Why?”

“She spent forever on my hair. But it’s fine; she’ll get too drunk to remember if I was there or not.”

“That sounds like a serious problem.”

“She's an artist,” Adora said, like that explained anything. “None of them are right in the head.”

Catra felt herself grinning ear to ear, but she couldn’t stop it. She was so overcome, and she really didn’t understand which side of her these feelings were exploding from. This wasn’t just a friend thing of Adora to do – it was a _best_ friend thing. Something Scorpia might have done, only Scorpia made Catra _happy._ She didn’t make Catra feel breathless, and giddy, and like the only person in the world. Adora did all of that and more, and _that_ kind of happiness came from the side of Catra that she would really rather kept quiet.

“You don’t have to drink this,” Adora told her, holding up the bottle. “I just…I don’t know. I wanted to bring the party here?”

“It’s fine. I would love a glass.” Catra backed away, giving a mock bow. “Make yourself at home.”

Adora bowed back, giggling, and started puttering around. Catra went to the couch tried to speed-read the last fifteen pages or so, though every noise or clink of glass drew her attention. Adora went to the bathroom and came out with her hair down, then spent some time in the kitchen, presumably just looking around all of their cabinets.

Eventually, she wandered over to Catra, setting two of Scorpia’s wineglasses down on the table and pulling her feet up. Catra ignored all of that in favor of powering through, at severe detriment to her reading comprehension.

“How much is left?” Adora asked suddenly, twiddling her phone in her hands impatiently.

“It’s a _really_ haunted house.”

“You could read out loud to me,” she suggested hopefully.

“ _No_ ,” Catra cringed, kicking at Adora’s thigh with her foot. “Just. Shut up for five minutes. Look for the movie.”

She nudged the remotes over, also with her foot. Figuring out how the TV system worked took a while, giving Catra enough time to both read _and_ understand the ending.

“Okay,” she said, snapping it closed. “Finished.”

“How was it?”

“Can’t tell you,” Catra said, jumping up to turn out the lights.

“It’s five ninety-nine to rent.”

“Go for it,” Catra said, pulling the blanket from the back of the couch over her shoulders. Her shivering only reminded her of how she wasn’t dressed for company. She didn’t think to change out of her sleep shorts or tank top before running down to greet Adora, and her first sip of wine distracted her from doing it then.

“Do you like it?” Adora asked, taking her own sip. The opening credits played, casting bright white light into the dark room.

“It _is_ like juice,” she said. Adora held her glass out, and after a split second of confusion, Catra realized she was supposed to touch them together. A spooky deep voice read out the opening lines of the movie.

_“An evil old house, the kind some people call haunted, is like an undiscovered country waiting to be explored.”_

Adora turned forward, resting her feet on the coffee table and shifting close enough to draw some of Catra’s blanket over her shoulders. Catra accommodated without thinking, and then their arms were touching.

She found the movie uninteresting. The wine, however, was very good.

*****************

 _“God! God! Whose hand was I holding?”_ Eleanor cried out.

“And then – “ Adora cackled, throwing her head back. Catra giggled, too, because it was infectious. “Then Bow fell down the stairs. Just – on his ass – “ she literally couldn’t go on, then, laughing so hard the couch shook.

It was definitely a _you had to be there_ kind of story, but Catra couldn’t stop laughing either. The movie played on, giving them enough light to talk by and for Catra to refill her glass from the bottle they had given up and brought over.

“Jeez, Catra,” Adora warned, suddenly frowning. “You should probably eat something.”

“I ate before you got here,” Catra told her. Three granola bars counted as dinner, right? “I’m fine.”

She was better than fine, actually. The wine was sweet and light on her tongue. It made her pleasantly warm enough to cast off the blanket, and the worst of her anxiety about Adora being there melted away.

“Are you drunk?” Adora asked suspiciously. “I can’t tell if you’re drunk.”

“I can’t tell, either.”

Adora looked alarmed by that, sitting forward and checking the bottle in a fluid movement that made her look a touch more sober than Catra thought she was. The bottle was less than half full. “Is this your first time drinking?”

She looked over, eyes so wide Catra didn’t have time to think of a lie. She nodded.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Adora asked, sounding a little betrayed.

“I wanted to have fun.”

Adora reached over and squeezed her knee. “That’s fine. But I’d really rather not be responsible for your first hangover.”

“You’re not responsible for me,” Catra said, slapping her hand away. She sounded like Scorpia, and it was really annoying. And it was also annoying how her eyes got super big whenever Catra said something too sharply, like she couldn’t believe it.

“Wanna see something?” Catra asked, trying to move past the awkward moment. Adora nodded. “Come on.”

Adora hadn’t seen her room yet. There wasn’t much to see. Not that belonged to Catra, anway. The wall of shelves, however…

“Whoa,” Adora breathed, looking up.

“It’s all Scorpia’s,” Catra said, trailing her hand along a shelf. Each one was packed wall to wall with CDs and vinyls. Basically a home record shop. “This room was supposed to be an office, I think. That’s why it’s so small. She had already installed this stuff before she met me.”

“This is the coolest bedroom I’ve ever _seen,”_ Adora said, finally turning around to take in the rest of it. Catra glanced around nervously. Her room was always clean, so unexpected company wasn’t a problem. The ball lights that Adora touched were kind of cool, she guessed. The duvet cover she ran her hands over seemed softer than any reasonable price would merit, but Catra had never asked questions.

She turned to the wall of shelves, where a record player sat nestled at knee-level. She knelt down to switch it on and drop the needle. The record already sitting in it started up with the opening chords to “Don’t Stop Believing” _._

Adora swirled around by the bed, mouth falling open.

“I know it wasn’t a suggestion,” Catra said, standing. “But I took it.”

“You like _Journey?”_ Adora said, disbelieving. Catra nodded slowly.

“It’s the first music I’ve really sat down and listened to, and I kind of…love it.”

“Of course you do,” Adora said flippantly, raising an eyebrow. “This is one of the greatest songs of all time. At least, that’s what Micah always tells me.”

Catra nodded. “It’s in a lot of movies.”

“ _Just a small town girl…”_ the lead singer started.

Adora finished the lyric like it was an obligation. “ _Livin in a lonely world…”_

She kept singing, waving for Catra to join in.

“I don’t know the words,” Catra said, panicking. 

“ _Just a city boy,”_ Adora sang, moving in and winding their hands together. Catra was too tipsy to resist.. The random motion of her shoulders and hips was clearly dancing, but the impromptu movements felt too difficult for Catra to pull off on her own. She had never danced before. “ _Born and raised in South Detroit…Hiding. Somewhere in the night!”_

With each syllable, Adora pulled one of Catra’s hands, shaking their shoulders back and forth. Catra felt her body give in to the music and Adora’s proximity. They moved in tandem, jumping and spinning each other. Catra was able join in on the chorus, and she was certain all her neighbors heard was wild screaming, because neither of them were any good. But Adora knew every word, and that made her the coolest person ever.

It was a level of freedom Catra had yet to experience. Just _moving._ There was no lingering self-consciousness about how awkward she probably looked, or comparing herself to Adora’s incongruous sensuality. Being drunk was _fun._

They didn’t let go until the next song started. Adora seemed to like this one even more. She squealed and clapped her hands, taking her phone and holding it with one hand like a microphone. With a single leap of coordination Catra had left far behind, she hopped onto the bed, singing and swinging her hair around.

“ _Those summer nights are calling_ , _stone in love!”_

Catra felt like a tiny star caught in the orbit of some gigantic planet (her drunk brain put aside all thoughts of how space actually worked), spinning and spinning. Moving closer but never moving away. Adora sang, Catra sometimes cutting in with a phrase or two. What seemed like much too soon, that song ended as well.

Adora jumped back on the floor. “Whew!” She said, pushing her fingers through her hair, exhilarated. “Did you know you’re an amazing singer?”

Catra had stopped dancing when Adora let go of her in favor of watching her sing on the bed. She was so beautiful.

Adora started to say something else, and then all at once the joy in her eyes faded. “Are you crying?”

The third song started up, a slower one. Catra stepped forward, throwing her arms around Adora’s shoulders. The crook of her neck smelled even better than it had on the beach. Instead of brine and sunscreen, it smelled like zinfandel and sweat. She took several breaths of it before she noticed Adora wasn’t returning the gesture.

“Catra…” she said. The heels of her hands touched briefly into Catra’s ribs, like she wanted to push her away. But just as quickly, they wrapped around Catra’s middle, holding her close. “What’s wrong?”

Catra couldn’t speak to the crying thing. Her face was numb. But she did know what was making her so sad. “I wanted to go dancing,” she mumbled against Adora’s neck. Her voice broke a little. “So badly.”

Adora gently swayed them back and forth to the music, like someone trying to rock a baby to sleep. “Why didn’t you come? Clearly, music isn’t that big of a problem – “

“I thought you would come back, you know,” Catra said. She meant it to be teasing and light, but it wasn’t. Adora stopped swaying. “Do you still pray?”

“No,” Adora said flatly.

“Well.” Catra sniffed. “I prayed. I prayed they would find you and bring you back. And I know that’s unforgivable, but I did. It doesn’t matter, because they didn’t even look for you. Instead…instead, they tried to make us forget. I think they focused on me so much because they knew…how we were close. So. They watched me. Boarded up my windows.” She chuckled. “Like I would run. I couldn’t even muster the energy to sit up in bed.”

She knew that she should stop talking. The fog in her brain, the need to get this out, thought otherwise. Because the less things there were in their way, the closer they could be with each other. And that’s all Catra wanted in her selfish heart.

“Some of the nuns tried to get me to tell them where you had gone, or what your plans were. I honestly don’t remember what I said to them, or if I said anything. All my anger…it felt so _stupid._ All I could think about was how this was my life now, because after a while it sank in that I would never see you again.”

Adora stood perfectly still. Catra felt her chest stutter.

“I stopped eating. That freaked the nuns out, and I lost a ton of weight. Like twenty pounds. I just wasn’t _hungry_ anymore.”

Adora’s arms constricted so tight it hurt. Catra plowed on, tears and snot running out of her face like a rain spout. “I’m so sorry. I forgot you,” she admitted, pressing herself closer. “I – nobody said your name! If I even _tried_ to talk about you, I would get – It just kept going. For _months_. And _years_. Especially after moving to New Hampshire. Everyone acted like you never existed, and eventually I was so busy trying to keep up with my duties and the move that I…I started acting, too. It made it easier. At first. Then it was like I couldn’t picture your face anymore, or your voice. I told myself I was better off for it.”

Adora walked backward until she was sitting on the mattress, Catra standing between her knees. Catra was forced to pull her face back, wiping at it with her sleeve. The numb feeling was still there.

Adora didn’t look mad. But she didn’t look happy.

“They kept promoting me,” Catra said, swallowing. “Maybe they thought that would make me loyal. Maybe it did. I was in Shadow Weaver’s office one day, doing paperwork on an adoption. She ran out to go do something, and my pen went dry. I wasn’t trying to snoop, or anything like that, but it wasn’t hard to find.

“It was you,” she said. Adora’s eyes widened. “A picture of you. A class picture, from whenever we were kids. We were both in it. And the _second_ I saw your face again, I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I was happy doing what I was doing. Or that I believed in any of it. Because if you didn’t believe, then…” She had to close her eyes, but that made her almost lose her balance too much. “You’re smart, is all. I should have listened.”

The hands on her hips flexed. “Catra – “

“Shhh!” Catra commanded, pressing a finger to Adora’s lips. “There’s more.”

Adora’s eyes went wider, nodding.

“I had a horrible feeling about you. About what had probably happened to you. Part of me really wanted to believe you had made it. That felt unrealistic, though. It’s kind of ironic, because here you were, living this amazing life…I thought _you_ would end up like Marcia. Instead, it was me.”

Adora sucked in a breath, her composed expression tightening in panic. She dropped her hands to her lap.

“It was _almost_ me, anyway,” Catra said, just to get the horrified look off of Adora’s face. It didn’t work. “When I left. I didn’t think to take any money. Staying even a second longer than I had to would have made me lose my nerve. I had nothing. Nothing.” Her voice was too choppy to make sense. She sobbed while Adora stared at her, and that was uncomfortable but when she tried to turn away Adora was holding her hips again.

“Tell me,” she said in a low, commanding tone.

“I – I had to get through maybe two miles of forest before I found a road. It was raining, it was pitch dark, and I was covered in mud. That first night, I walked until I literally couldn’t anymore. There was this empty, like, barn shed thing. I slept in the hay.”

The alcohol was doing it’s share to keep her from having an episode, and Adora’s hands were doing the rest. Catra breathed. Almost there.

“The next night, I had made it to a city. Nashua. It was cold, and I couldn’t seem to get dry, no matter what I did. To be honest, I don’t even know how long I spent sleeping in that alley. A week, maybe? Maybe less. I thought I would die there.”

Adora looked furious, but nodded for Catra to continue.

“One night, I saw Rachel. And Jeremiah. That’s who they sent after me. They found me, and, you know, they just start talking, and even if you know what they’re doing…it’ll work, if you’re weak enough. So I ran away. As fast as my feet would carry me. There was a nightclub nearby. I could hear the music sometimes, late at night.” Recognition flashed in Adora’s eyes. “That’s where I went. It was late, and I figured I could get lost in a crowd like that. I didn’t think Rachel or Jeremiah would follow me, and I was right. But someone else did.”

Adora shook her head, eyes begging Catra to stop, but it was too late. She had to.

“Two men. Maybe…in their thirties? I had actually seen them before, on the streets, like me. I tried to avoid them, but I could tell they had noticed me. They cornered me in the alley behind the club, and there was no one else around and the music was so loud. I was sure no one heard me scream.”

“What did they…?” Adora asked, every inch of her bleeding terror and fury.

“One tried to rip my dress off. The other…kissed me.” Catra paused. That simple act had always puzzled her. She never thought something so horrible would have started with something so innocent as a kiss. Even if it was booze-soaked and violent, it was just a kiss. Her first. “That’s as far as they got. Because I _did_ scream loud enough. One of the bouncers out front heard.”

“Scorpia,” Adora whispered. Catra nodded.

“All of a sudden, this huge shape was bearing down on us. I mean, those guys were _ripped_ off of me and thrown ten feet. She took one look at me and just _brutalized_ them. All on her own! It was…absolutely terrifying.”

Adora blinked, shell-shocked. Catra stared at her, then looked away. Now that she thought about it, the feelings of shame she had about her encounter with those men was a little like the way she had felt all week. About Adora. In what world were those two experiences the same? Adora was all light. All hope.

“Then she talked to me. And…you know people don’t really talk to you when it’s obvious you’re homeless. I hadn't spoken to anyone since I ran away. So I talked back. I told her what was going on…sort of. She told me it was her last weekend in town, and I was welcome to come to Salem with her. To live.”

She shrugged, her long speech finally over. The record had long finished, static playing over the speakers. “That’s my story.” She backed up, reaching for her glass. Or maybe it was Adora’s. She drained it, welcoming the slightest increase in the buzz between her ears.

Adora stared at the floor for a minute, clearly overcome. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.” Catra turned the record over and emptied the other glass for good measure. “Just dance with me.”

They smiled tremulously at one another. Adora stood and did something funny with her feet that made Catra laugh. Adora laughed, too, and they danced.

And danced.

And danced.

*******************

SATURDAY

3:00 A.M.

It was not smart of them to sleep in her twin bed together. That was Catra’s first thought. Her mouth was _so_ incredibly dry she assumed that was what had woken her. Her head pounded dully.

But it was also very dark and warm, and they were in Catra’s twin bed _together_. That meant Adora was behind her, one arm tucked around her stomach, hand perilously close to her chest. Her big, sleep-slow breaths tickled the top of Catra’s head.

She was still a little drunk. Drunk enough to shuffle back into the embrace without taking into account the cons of such a bet. Adora’s unconscious body responded. She inhaled and her arm dragged Catra close, so they were touching from head to toe. One of her feet shifted between Catra’s, and there was a pressure against the crown of her hair that was undeniably a kiss.

“I love you,” Adora breathed. “M’sorry.”

Catra froze, but Adora just went back to her deep breathing. She had never woken up at all. It was sleep talk. It didn’t mean anything.

But this new position was comfortable. Would it be so terrible if she just let it go, and stayed like this? They weren’t doing anything indecent, despite the clattering beat of her heart. Just sleeping.

Catra put her hand over Adora’s. A spark of a flame burst into being inside of her, chasing away the lingering disgust and shame. The monster in her stomach was no more. For the first time in two weeks, she fell asleep without a care in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left a kudos or comment. I know I haven't replied to all of them but just know I read every single one and they all warm my heart!


	8. No Peace of Mind

“She said _what?”_ Scorpia half-yelled. Catra sighed into her morning oatmeal.

“She was asleep. It was just a dream, or something.”

“Why are you just now telling me this?” Scorpia asked, checking the time on her phone. “I have to go to work soon, and you're telling me _this?_ You didn’t even think to mention you slept in the same bed?!”

Catra turned her spoon over, watching the lumps of water-bloated oats slop along with it. “What’s there to mention?”

She was a hypocrite and a liar, because she’d been thinking obsessively about it all weekend. Now it was Tuesday. All that middle-of-the-night enlightenment she felt disappeared as soon as Adora left on Saturday morning. She felt panicked and lost again.

Alcohol had made everything so simple. Just like in the movies. It made Catra do things she wouldn’t have done otherwise, but that didn’t mean she had any regret. Far from it. It had been the best night’s sleep of her life.

“Oh, my God,” Scorpia said, gripping the sides of the table.“Wait.” She looked the most excited Catra had ever seen her, which was saying something. “You think I’m right. You think she has feelings for you.”

The spoon fell with a clink. “You’re the one who said it wasn’t hopeless!”

Scorpia waited.

“So…maybe…I’m…hoping,” Catra said, with the utmost hesitation. She was only admitting this because she couldn’t see any alternative. She needed Scorpia to either encourage her, or tell her she was being completely ridiculous. “Is that stupid?”

“Cat, no. Of course not.”

“I don’t think I could ever act on it,” Catra clarified, looking away. “But it’s nice to think about. I guess. If I had to think about...that kind of thing.”

Waking up every morning with Adora's shoulder under her cheek would be pretty amazing. More content and secure than she thought possible. A different world, one where she could hold on as tight as she wanted without having to pretend to be asleep. When she thought about being with someone like that, before all this, there was just an outline. Maybe the body was vaguely male, and maybe in a perfect situation they wouldn’t know anything about her past. But no, it was her. Adora just _fit_. Catra had drawn all the lines without ever realizing who she was tracing.

“Telling me _is_ acting on it," Scorpia said. "Sorry to tell you.”

Hope was a dangerous thing, Catra thought, abandoning her meal. Could this possibly be worth it? Be worth their _friendship?_

“Are you gonna see each other again this weekend?” Scorpia asked, almost casually.

“I don’t know,” Catra said, though they had talked about it as Adora was leaving.

“See you next weekend?” Adora had suggested, pulling her shoes on. “We can actually plan something, this time. Instead of me just barging in.”

“You can come over whenever you want,” Catra told her. She was lucky Adora wasn’t completely freaked out by what they’d talked about the night before. “I’ll have Scorpia make you a key.”

Only when the words left her mouth did she hear how presumptuous that sounded. But Adora had smiled wide, laughing like it was a good joke. “We’ll do something you wanna do. Let me know, okay?” She’d pulled Catra into a very tight hug. “Sorry I have to rush out. Bow’s waiting on me to go to the gym.”

“Okay. Have fun.”

“Um.” Adora had hesitated by the door, hefting her bag. “I didn’t come here planning to get you drunk last night. Just so you know.”

Catra still didn’t know why Adora would say that. Unless she felt bad that Catra had been drunk enough to…

Okay. Maybe Catra regretted the dancing a _little_ bit.

“Uh, maybe,” she told Scorpia, who was still waiting for an answer. “She said I should pick what we do.”

“That’s perfect! This is how you up the ante!”

“I don’t know what that means.” But it sounded bad.

“So…you don’t like dancing." Scorpia crossed her arms thoughtfully. Catra didn’t bother correcting her. “Movies are always a good bet. Or going to a park.”

They’d already tried that. The movie Saturday night had gone largely ignored. Hiking was an unmitigated disaster. Though maybe they could try again now that the weather was cooling down.

“What does Adora like?” Scorpia asked.

“Um.” Catra’s brain went blank. Adora liked lots of things. They had been texting every day for a whole month, so Catra should really be able to think of something.

“You know who would know?” Scorpia said, snapping her fingers. “Phoebe. I’m gonna ask her.”

“Scorpia, you _have_ to stop telling her about this stuff!”

“Sorry." Scorpia looked chagrined. "You’re right.”

Though, if anyone would know…

Catra sighed. “Ask her anyway. Just this once.”

“I will!” Scorpia said eagerly, standing up and taking her bowl to the sink. “I’ll ask her, and then I’ll spend all day thinking about it. Work’s gonna be slow anyway.”

“It’s not the first time she’s said it,” Catra added quietly. This was happening way too fast. Telling Scorpia had been a mistake. “We used to tell each other _I love you_ all the time…”

“Oh, I’m sure you did,” Scorpia said. Catra didn’t like her tone.

******************************

Work was grueling on Wednesday. Adora's Herpetology midterm had two more essay questions than she’d anticipated, and somehow the extra two hundred words had taken more out of her than two hours at the gym. Then there was work, where Cassandra was absent. At the dentist, or something. Of course, that meant everything that went wrong was Adora’s job to fix.

One of the golf carts had a flat tire, and the other had been parked too close to that one tree known to Sanctuary staff as the Poop Tree. She scrubbed at bird shit for thirty minutes waiting on the school’s maintenance people to come replace the tire. Then the internet cut out while she cataloguing new bat-houses. Then, five minutes before she was supposed to close up, an Agriculture student came in unannounced to ask her a bunch of questions about the land she didn’t have any answers for.

To top it all off, it was raining when she drove home. Raining hard. Her phone dinged in the passenger seat. She waited until she was parked at the apartment to look at it, hoping it was Catra. Even though she went suspiciously radio silent on Wednesdays, for unknown reasons.

It wasn’t Catra. It was Elise. A Chem major and semi-frequent hookup. Semi-frequent meaning only three times, and over three months ago now. It was a deceptively simple message asking Adora if she wanted to hang out.

Hang out.

Adora sat there, considering it for much longer than she would have in the past. Why the hell not, right? It was only six. She could go over there and be back by ten. And she would have a really good time, because Elise was very hot and very loud. At the end of a long day, the promise of some kind of release was really tempting.

Adora ran inside to shower and get dressed. By the time she was coming back down the steps, Glimmer was home and banging around the kitchen. The whole first floor smelled like potatoes and fish.

“Hey,” Adora said on her way out, waving. “I’ll be back later.”

“Okay!” Glimmer said brightly, washing her hands. “I’ll leave a plate out for you.”

“Cool, thanks."

Before Adora had taken a step, Glimmer made a startled sound, doing a double take toward Adora's backpack. The green one.

"Where are you going?" She asked, which was an unusual question. Glimmer was normally too distracted with her own life to care much what Adora did. Plus she was fairly sure Glimmer knew what the green backpack was for.

“Um, to see a friend.”

“Oh. Who?”

Adora didn’t really have to give an answer, nor did she want to. Why she stayed and did anyway, she wasn’t sure. “You remember Elise.”

“Elise?” Glimmer thought about it, shaking her hands dry. “Yeah, I think I met her once, like last year.”

“Yep. That’s her – “

“Tall?" Glimmer said. "Ethnically ambiguous?”

Adora narrowed her eyes. “She’s black. But yeah.”

“Curly dark hair?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Skinny…sort of mean?” Glimmer shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I remember _Elise_.”

Adora ground her teeth together. The little comments and jokes had reached their peak when she got home from Salem the previous weekend. Catra finally opening up to her was a big step forward, she felt, and having it cheapened by Glimmer’s speculation was really, really annoying.

Nothing even happened that was _remotely_ outside the bounds of friendship. It wasn’t the first time Adora had shared a bed with a friend, not even the first time with Catra. Even if this time was a little different...

She had been drunk. That’s why it happened. The cuddling and the wrapping around Adora like a pretzel. The slipping of a hand under her sweatshirt to rest on her hip. The little, breathy sighs as she stretched and turned before waking up the next morning... A drunk thing, that was all. But, first and foremost, none of Glimmer’s business.

“Is there something you wanna say to me?” Adora asked, stepping into the kitchen.

“Nope.”

“Really?” Adora waved her hand in the air, near Glimmer’s nose. “Because your face is saying a lot.”

“No,” she insisted, smiling benignly. “I’m good. Enjoy your booty call. I’m sure you’ll feel much better afterward.”

Adora felt her mouth drop open. “You’re not serious.”

“ _You’re_ not serious,” Glimmer shot back. Whatever _that_ meant. “Do what you want! I’m not stopping you.”

“Good. Because I’m going.” Adora stormed to the door. “Don’t bother cooking for me.”

“Too late!” Glimmer yelled, dropping all pretense of being calm. Adora let the door slam, huffing to her car and slamming that door, too. The rain hadn’t stopped at all. And why would it? This day wanted her to suffer.

She shook droplets from her hair and belatedly pulled her hood up. Then she threw her backpack into the backseat as hard as she could, screaming a short, frustrated scream.

Glimmer sure didn't do things halfway. She disagreed with how Adora wanted to deal with Catra, so instead she was going to ruin her sex life? That was wrong on too many levels to count. And it wasn’t even like Adora had sought this out! Elise had texted _her_!

But the damage was done. If Adora went over there, she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about…

“They don’t look _that_ much alike,” she muttered to herself, picking up her phone and texting Elise that something came up and she couldn’t go. Then she called Phoebe.

“Hey,” she said when the line picked up. “You home?”

“Yes, ma’am. We both are.”

Adora swiped a hand over her face. “I think I should go over the study guide for Dendrology again. If you wanna quiz me or something – “

“Yes! Should I come over?”

Adora scowled at the front door. “No. I’ll come to you. And I’ll stop and get food somewhere. What’s Melanie want for dinner?”

*********************

Catra buried herself under her covers, all the way up to her nose, just staring at the hanging light over her bed. It was one of those days where Adora didn’t seem to be very interested in texting, and that was fine. It meant Catra was devastatingly bored, bit it was fine. Adora was studying for a test, and that was important.

Five different books sat stacked on her stomach. The game was breathing as deeply as possible without knocking them over, over and over again. Reading was too difficult, and this was the next best thing. Otherwise she was going to roll over and go to sleep. And if she did _that_ before at least eight o'clock, she'd just be awake and sad at three in the morning.

Someone knocked softly at her bedroom door. Catra grunted, which almost made the topmost book slide off the stack. She had to suck her stomach back out to right it.

“I haven’t seen you at all today,” Scorpia said from the general area of the door. Catra couldn't see over the books. “You gotta eat sometime.”

“You were at work all day. And the landlady fed me. After I cleaned.”

“Oh, right. It’s Wednesday.” She sounded closer. “Maybe that has something to do with the money I just found in my room. You know anything about that?”

“Nope.”

Scorpia sighed, leaning into Catra’s field of vision and raising her eyebrows in expectation. “What’s going on?”

“I’m going to die alone.”

Scorpia looked taken aback. “Oh, is that all?”

“I’ll be like the landlady. Gathering dust. Going nuts.”

“She has a name, you know.”

“I know. Razz. She wouldn’t tell me what it was short for.”

Scorpia sat at the edge of the bed. Catra breathed out really hard to keep the books even. “Maybe it’s not short for anything.”

“I get it, though. When I’m old like that, and people ask me what Cat is short for, I’m not going to tell them, either. I’ll run them off my porch with a mop.”

“Well,” Scorpia smiled. “There ya go! If you have a mop, your house can’t be _that_ dusty.”

“ _Hng,"_ was all Catra had to say about that.

“Laying in here isn’t gonna help,” Scorpia said gently. “Can I ask you a question?”

Catra glanced at her, knowing it didn’t matter what she answered. Scorpia would say whatever she wanted to.

“Would you be this conflicted if Adora was a man?”

Catra’s blank look made her rephrase.

“If everything about your lives was the same. If she treated you the same way she does now, but she was a boy, would you still doubt that she likes you?”

“I don’t know,” Catra said between deep breaths. “I didn’t talk to very many boys growing up. Except for Jesus.”

“Oh…kay,” Scorpia sighed, finally accepting she wasn’t going to get a solid answer today. “Enjoy your moping.”

Catra didn’t answer. When the door closed, she exhaled sharply and all the books slid off to the side.

************

The year before, Scorpia had taken her to the city for a day. A Christmas display in a large window had caught her attention. There was a mechanical, baby-faced thing with a beard that Scorpia told her was supposed to represent an old man who left presents in people’s homes on Christmas eve, and that it was extremely common to find singing, dancing figurines like that one around the holidays. Catra thought that was the most bizarre and incomprehensible thing she had ever heard.

Phoebe was kind of like that.

“Okay,” she said, crossing her legs primly on the kitchen chair that wasn’t supposed to be on the rug. “Let’s talk about friendship.”

Scorpia had pulled a chair over, too, so the two of them were facing the couch. Catra had no idea where this was going, but she hoped it wasn’t –

“You like Adora,” Phoebe started.

“Wait,” Catra said, cringing. “ _That’s_ what this is about?” When Scorpia had never followed up about their breakfast conversation, Catra assumed she’d completely forgotten. “I thought you were telling me you’re breaking up.”

Scorpia shook her head. Phoebe reached out and grasped her hand. “No. This isn’t about us at all.”

“Mmhm,” Catra said.

“You like Adora,” she tried again. “But you’re afraid that your feelings are unrequited, and telling her might put a strain on your relationship.”

It was a flowery way of saying it, but sure.

“Well,” Phoebe continued. “There are ways to communicate your feelings to someone without saying it out loud.”

She uncrossed her legs, and then re-crossed them. Not like she was uncomfortable, though, because Catra didn’t think Phoebe could _ever_ be uncomfortable. She was more like a preening cat, flipping her hair over her shoulder for no reason.

“So, as a baby lesbian,” she said, accompanying the words with a little, pitying frown in Catra’s direction. “It can be really hard to understand your own feelings, much less somebody else’s. And certain things, in this homophobic time we live in, must go unsaid. But, we adapt.”

“It’s called gaydar,” Scorpia cut in. “You know what that means?”

Catra nodded. It was usually a punchline to something, in TV or movies, but she got the gist. “I don’t think I have that.”

“Well, Adora does,” Phoebe said, while Scorpia suppressed a smile. “And that's something that gay people rely on to help them...find each other. Like a second language. I just think, in this instance, she might have a blind spot. You.”

“…okay?”

“What I mean is,” Phoebe uncrossed her legs _again_ , leaning forward. “Any signals she gets from you, she’s going to assume are friendship instead of romance. Y’know? So, like, if a random girl at the Hadley comes up to her and starts a conversation, that’s kind of a signal. If she’s…really enthusiastic, or maybe she’s touching Adora’s arm, or leaning in close to whisper in her ear – “

“That’s specific,” Catra felt the need to point out. 

"What I’m saying is, that’s clearly flirting.”

“It _is?”_

“That’s the problem with you two,” Scorpia sighed. "You don’t see any of that as romantic, so Adora doesn’t expect flirting when you do those things. Which you do. _A lot._ ”

Catra crossed her arms, trying to keep up an annoyed expression while her insides turned to jelly. “I wasn’t aware.”

“We know,” they said in unison. Catra stared, wondering what fresh hell of a reality she had been slipped into. How did two people so perfectly matched in _being_ _annoying_ find each other?

“Part of the problem is this;” Phoebe said, “she doesn’t see these signals because A) you grew up together, and you always acted this way, to some extent, and B) she doesn’t know you like girls at all.”

“I don’t like girls.”

Surprise crossed Phoebe’s face, then confusion.

“Cat doesn’t really want to label herself,” Scorpia offered calmly. Phoebe’s face turned sympathetic. Catra dug her nails into her knees.

“Okay. Maybe, Cat, you could just _tell_ her you think you’re interested in girls? Even if it’s not entirely true, it would let her know – “

“I can’t do that.” Catra stood up. “I can’t do _this_. What was I thinking?”

“Wait!” Phoebe said, clasping her hands together. “Please, just hear me out.”

For Scorpia and Scorpia alone, Catra sat back down. Phoebe relaxed.

“I have thought up _the_ most feelings-inducing activity for your date this weekend. Like, I basically guarantee results.”

“It’s not a date,” Catra corrected, slumping down on the cushion. “What's your idea?”

Phoebe held her hands out, building suspense. “It’s…roller skating.”

Scorpia gasped. “Oh, that’s _good.”_

“I know!”

“That sounds horrible,” Catra had to say. “I don’t even know what it is. Like...hockey?”

“No, no, no,” Phoebe said, shaking her head. “No, it’s wheels instead of blades, and I happen to have been to the one nearby, where they do _eighties night_ once a month. This month it just happens to fall on tomorrow night. And Adora _loves_ the eighties. And roller skating.”

“Okay…” Catra sat up, considering it. “I guess…if she likes it, then…”

“It’ll be perfect,” Phoebe insisted. “You and her, under the strobe lights, with the music? I can’t think of anything that would bring the two of you closer.”

It sounded expensive, but Catra had a little bit of money, these days. “Okay," she repeated, gaining resolve. "I’ll tell her.”

Phoebe beamed. “But don’t tell her it was my idea.”

“Obviously,” Catra muttered, walking back to her room while texting. “Thanks for the advice,” she added begrudgingly.

“You’re welcome!”

Catra sent Adora the suggestion, making sure to phrase it like she’d just thought of it on her own. An answer arrived within seconds, but not the one she wanted.

_Have you rollerbladed before?_

The use of the word _blade_ seemed to contradict Phoebe’s assurance it would be wheels. Catra said that she hadn’t.

_Skating rinks can be kind of like nightclubs, a little. Flashing lights, loud music, lots of people._

Catra stared at the text, then groaned, tapping her phone against her forehead. Why did everything have to be so _difficult_.

 _It’s fine,_ she said. _I can handle it._

Adora took a long time to reply. _If you’re sure, then I’d love to go! I think you’ll like it a lot!_

Relieved, Catra sat on the desk and took a breath. It would be fine. She could handle a crowd and some music. She liked music now! She was all about it!

Her phone buzzed again, and all her victory soured.

_Bow and Glimmer said they’re in. I’ll ask Phoebe if she wants to come._

***************

It wasn’t the crowd Catra had been dreading, but there were just _too many_ people. Being there with Adora would have been fine, probably, but now her attention was split between everybody, and Catra was lagging behind on her own.

“Sorry,” Phoebe had apologized the day before, after Adora had sent out a mass text inviting everyone to what was supposed to be - allegedly, hypothetically - a date. “I didn’t think she would…”

“But it’s fine,” Scorpia said. “It’s fine, because you can watch us!”

No one had explained what that was supposed to mean. 'Watch', like copy how they acted around each other? Catra would be damned if she was going to hang on Adora’s arm like Phoebe did to Scorpia.

The dressing up part of all of it had also been conveniently left out of the conversation. Catra didn’t know costumes were expected until Scorpia had dropped a thrift store bag on her bed that afternoon.

It was just after sunset when they arrived at the big warehouse outside town. Not even the cover of darkness made Catra comfortable getting out of the car in neon tights and a leotard.

Scorpia had assured her it was perfect. Even so, Catra had thrown on the biggest t-shirt she could find in Scorpia’s closet to cover her shame.

“Hey!” Adora called, skipping across the parking lot arm in arm with Bow. “You guys look great!”

Her blonde hair was pulled up into a ponytail at the top of her head, tied with a bright green, fluffy hairtie. An equally bright windbreaker of all sorts of colors fell unzipped over short purple shorts and a pink half-shirt half-bra.

Sweat broke out across Catra’s palms.

“So do you,” Scorpia replied, squeezing Catra on the shoulder before pulling Phoebe into a bone crushing hug.

Sparkles walked over from their car last, looking too ridiculous for words. She smiled at Catra and said something about her tights.

“Oh, thanks,” Catra said. “I like yours.”

“Thank you!”

There were other cars, and other people milling around near the entrance. Catra could hear the faint boom of loud music, and braced herself, clenching her hands into fists and keeping up with her group. Adora and Phoebe held court talking about their midterm, only Bow slowing down enough to stay beside Catra.

He looked cool. Once they walked inside, she could see that his eyes were lined with yellow and pink. There was some weird lamps hanging around that made the colors stick out. Everyone looked like big lightbulbs filled with neon. 

She would have spent some time trying to look at everyone if the room in general wasn't so chaotic. The ceiling was high, a central hub of spinning lights beaming down in intervals on the biggest part of the room; a flat expanse of linoleum (or wood?) on which a hundred or so people lazily glided around. Catra couldn’t see the shoes from that angle, only the effortless way everyone moved.

It was surrounded by a waist-high sort of barrier, broken up here and there with openings people came in and out of. The air was vaguely smoky, and smelled like really cheap food.

“Hey,” Bow said, touching her shoulder. They had arrived at the front of the line while she was distracted. A man behind the counter waited impatiently for her answer to a question she had missed.

“What size shoe do you wear?” Bow asked her.

She glanced around, locating Adora and the others at one of the picnic tables pushed against a wall, dropping their stuff down and putting on their skates. “Um, nine.”

The man took her money, handing over a pair of ugly boots with four big wheels attached. She took them and waited for Bow to get his before they joined the others.

“Have you done this before?” She asked him in an undertone. He laughed.

“My entire life. Adora, too. My dads used to be on a roller derby team with Glim’s aunt.”

“Is it hard?”

He shrugged. “There’s a learning curve, for sure. But don’t worry! You can just stay on the wall, or hang on to somebody. Me, Adora, and Phoebe are all pretty good.”

She nodded uneasily, sitting at an empty table and hurriedly shoving her feet into the boots before she could think too hard about who else had worn them. It was difficult, because they were made out of a really tough material. She had to pull her leg up on the empty side of the bench to get enough leverage for her heel to slide in.

When she started lacing them up, someone snorted softly just behind her. Adora had been watching.

“What?” She asked sharply.

Adora laughed again and did an awkward walking-shuffle thing, crouching by Catra’s foot. She already had her skates on.

“They need to be way tighter than this,” she told Catra, starting at the lowest rungs and pulling the strings as tight as she could, until Catra feared losing circulation. “Especially right here,” she said, pulling with both hands at the end and tying a neat bow. The edges cut into Catra’s shins. Adora did the other shoe, and Catra just sat there and let her.

“Just don’t bend your ankles,” Adora instructed, flattening her hand against Catra’s ankle for emphasis. At this angle, though, all Catra could really notice was the way that bra-top-thingie pushed Adora breasts very much together and up, creating a line of cleavage that interested her. Because Catra's own body didn't look like that. Not at all.

“If you lose your balance, it’s better to just fall than break anything. And yes,” Adora said, smirking, “You’re gonna fall. And I’m gonna laugh at you.”

“You’ll at least _try_ to catch me, won’t you?”

Adora’s smile widened. “Come on, I think we’re being left behind.”

As soon as Catra got to her feet, she knew this was going to be a nightmare. The wheels wobbled under her weight, threatening to give out completely.

“Just walk.” Adora had one arm slightly extended, like she expected Catra to fall any second. “The carpet’s the easy part. Once we get out there, though, you’ll need this.” She lifted her foot to show the big rubber stopper at the toe end of the boot. “And don’t lock your knees.”

So many rules. They got to the end of the carpet, and Catra braced herself on the partition long enough to look up just as Sparkles and Bow skated past. Everyone went in the same direction, counter clockwise in a big oblong oval. And they were going fast. The music was louder over here, too, but not terrible.

Adora stepped out first, ghosting backwards. “Come on.”

Catra stepped forward, holding the partition as her wheels slid like they were greased, straight forward. It was a lot of work to keep her legs straight, the muscles in her stomach working hard to bring the other leg along with it.

“Good,” Adora said, watching closely as Catra took a step, following the tide while staying against the wall, using her arms to pull herself along. It wasn’t terrible. There were other stragglers like her, hanging on to the side, but they were mostly children.

Adora skated along beside her, making it look very easy indeed. Not even holding onto anything. “Don’t lock your knees,” she reminded superciliously. 

“You’re not the boss of me,” Catra muttered. Adora rolled her eyes with a smile.

About halfway around the bend, Catra tried straightening up, keeping only one hand on the wall and letting momentum take her forward. “How do I look?”

Adora grinned. “Very graceful.”

“Liar.”

Sparkles and Bow skated by yet again. She wasn’t very steady on her feet, but he was and his arm was wrapped around her back securely. Scorpia and Phoebe zoomed around a second later, only their hands laced together. Someone on the other side of the ring, who Catra didn't know, fell very hard. Their friends laughed at them.

“Wanna come off the wall, now?” Adora asked. She held out a hand, and Catra took it.

There was no time to be afraid, because Adora pulled her securely into her side, looping an arm around her waist while still holding her hand. They picked up speed only because Adora was stepping in alternating little jolts. Catra kept her feet beneath her, and that was the most she could ask for.

“Almost at the turn,” Adora said, “Bend your left knee. A lot.”

Catra groaned. Adora’s hand squeezed her side.

“Ready? Now.”

Adora bent her body to the side, her hip pushing Catra into doing the same. Like last Saturday night, Adora was guiding her along, teaching her how to dance. Catra obeyed, bending her knee.

She didn’t expect how much strain it put on every muscle in her body. Adora didn’t feel tense at all, but Catra’s entire being shook with clenched fear. The wheels on her shoes turned of their own accord, sending the two of them in a wide arc. 

Adora laughed when they reached the straightaway again. “It’s not so bad, right?”

Catra looked up to very strongly disagree, but just then the spinning lights above changed in time with the song. Now it was only the black light, and Adora's make up reacted to it. The skin around her eyes glowed pink and her lips shone purple, pulled into a gentle smile.

Their eyes locked for a moment that felt like forever. Despite the music, and all the people Adora invited for some reason, and despite the fact that Catra felt like a baby deer walking on unsteady legs, she understood what Phoebe meant. It _was_ just the two of them.

And Catra really, really liked the way Adora was touching her.

“You look really pretty tonight,” Adora said. With no warning, she just _said it_ and expected Catra to be able to think of a reply.

“I’m not wearing makeup,” she ended up saying. No makeup, just the stupid outfit.

Adora nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

Her forehead creased in a frown, and her eyes glanced down to Catra’s mouth. At least, that’s what Catra thought, but it didn’t make any sense. Why would Adora be looking at her mouth?

The hand on her hip pulled her closer, like a hug. Adora’s lips parted, and now Catra was the one staring at _her_ mouth, and she kind of understood what was so interesting about it. Her lips looked...soft and warm. Two words that Catra wouldn't normally have thought applied to lips.

Then she had a really crazy thought: What if she just…closed the distance? She easily could have, and then she wouldn’t have to wonder what it was like to feel Adora’s lips against her own, or to have all of her attention for once.

To _demand_ her attention. To have all of Adora focused only on her. The idea was intoxicating it caused actual pain to flare up in Catra's stomach.

They were still, somehow, moving. Fast. And some part of Adora’s boot thought it was time to touch some part of Catra’s, which knocked everything off balance. Her center of gravity pitched forward, and to compensate she bent her knees.

With a gasp, she fell backwards. Adora’s arms made an attempt to take her weight, but ultimately let go. Catra’s tailbone hit the hard floor, and then her shoulder, and then her head.

The crowd parted around her. A few people made loud noises of sympathy, but none of them stopped. Catra wished someone would skate over her head.

Adora wasn't laughing like she said she wood. She had a hand held out for Catra to grab. “Oh, shit. Are you okay? I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

It was more humiliating than painful... and there was a lot of pain.

More than enough to clear her head. Catra sat up, bracing her elbows on the dirty floor to assess the damage. Her right boot had cut into her ankle pretty sharply as she fell, but it didn’t draw blood or anything. Only her shoulder panged faintly. And her ass felt like of numb.

Adora was still holding her hand out. Catra stared at it for so long another one showed up. Scorpia’s.

That was the one she reached for, letting Scorpia’s massive strength pull her easily to her feet in one go.

“That looked pretty nasty," Scorpia grimaced. "But at least you got the first one out of the way!” She skated them backwards, a little clumsily, until they were out of everyone else’s way and on the outer edge of the ring. Catra hoped no one could see her blush.

“You missed it,” Scorpia said, laughing. “Phoebe just took two people down.”

“That was their fault!” Phoebe cried, zooming up with her hands on her hips. “C’mon, Adora, it's our song!”

Adora’s worried eyes glowed white, still fixed on Catra. “I’m sorry,” she said, touching her shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it.” Catra forced a smile. “I knew it was gonna happen.”

Adora still looked sorry, but skated away with Phoebe, disappearing into the rush of people.

“Wanna go sit?” Scorpia asked. “I think Bow and Glimmer are getting food.”

Catra shrugged, focusing as they reached a turn. She felt a little more confident now that Adora wasn’t distracting her. “Can we stay out here? Just…out of everyone’s way?”

“Sure.”

She let Scorpia speed them up a little, enjoying how the air rushed against her face. This was a new song to her, but she liked it. It kind of sounded like Journey. Scorpia sang along under her breath, watching their feet.

“It happened again.”

“What did?”

Catra hesitated. “Like in the car. At the beach”

There was a pause. She was too embarrassed to glance at Scorpia’s face.

“Is that why you fell?”

A nervous laugh escaped her mouth. “I think so.”

“Why didn’t you let her help you up?”

Catra looked to her left, hearing Adora’s laugh but not able to see her. “I don’t know. I just froze.”

“I see…”

“Nothing was gonna happen,” Catra grumbled, attempting to copy Scorpia's feet movements. “It was just intense. I guess.”

Scorpia patted her hand.

*************

Phoebe raced ahead on the turn, but Adora caught up at the straightaway, turning back to gloat. She thought she might be out of practice, but it was coming back to her. The countless Saturday nights Cassandra at the tiny rink in Clifton made her both confident and talented, thanks to Cassandra’s drill-like lessons on speed.

“ _Where can I find a woman like that – “_

 _“Like Jessie’s girl,”_ They sang. Adora played air guitar, spinning out into the center of the rink, an empty patch of linoleum that most people avoided. Only the bravest of souls ventured into it, because if you busted your ass here everyone was going to see it.

But Adora was feeling lucky.

She gained momentum with a few back crosses, arms over her head while her hips swayed. Phoebe stayed parallel in the crush, rolling her eyes at the display and ignoring Adora when she urged her to join.

Adora did another spin, then really showed off, dropping her butt to one heel, stretching the other leg out and moving backwards all at once. A few people cheered as she bounced back up, thighs and calves burning. It wasn’t until _Heart of Glass_ began that she coaxed Phoebe out.

Adora could almost _feel_ all the eyes turning to her friend. Phoebe was a tall freakin' drink of water, after all. With her cropped turtleneck and bare midriff, blonde hair bouncing down her back. And legs Adora had always been jealous of, shapely and curved.

“You sure you want me to show you up like this?” Adora asked, skating in a small circle around her. Phoebe turned her head to keep eye contact. “Because I’m a _really_ good dancer.”

Phoebe did a front cross, easing in toward the middle of their empty stage. Two people that had been doing jumping tricks got out of her way. “You call that dancing, white girl?”

Adora giggled, pretending to face off with her before the chorus kicked in. Adora may have had the upper hand with skating, but Phoebe was the better dancer. She gyrated and writhed under the lights, swaying her hips in ways Adora just couldn’t, moving forward while Adora skated backward. They mouthed the lyrics to each other, screaming in surprise as someone trained a spotlight on them. Adora closed the distance, spinning Phoebe around a little, earning claps from the onlookers. Phoebe leaned back into her chest, resting the back of her head on Adora’s shoulder as they flew backward.

“Careful,” she called, teasing. “You’ll make Scorpia jealous.”

Adora snorted. “I think that could only end well for you.”

Phoebe giggled, spinning to face her. “Dip me.”

Adora did, bending her back and spreading her legs a bit. Phoebe came back up with a dramatic sweep of her legs, winding her arms around Adora’s neck and touching their foreheads together as the song closed.

There was a good deal of hooping and hollering as some of the guys got a little too excited. She and Phoebe rolled their eyes. The dancing was all for show, of course, but they did know they looked good together. Too bad they weren’t each other’s type at all.

“Now who’s making Scorpia jealous?” Adora smirked, changing their direction so she was guiding Phoebe backward, instead.

Phoebe pulled back. “That wasn’t for her.”

Adora checked over her shoulder, turning them away as they got to close to the crowd. But also to try and spot Catra in the darkness. She couldn’t.

“Not you, too,” she lamented. Phoebe gave her a quizzical look. “Glimmer didn’t put you up to this?”

“Up to what?”

Adora sighed loudly, the exhilaration of their dancing fading away. “Catra’s straight. Why does everyone – ?”

“ _Why_ does everyone?” Phoebe laughed, spinning beneath her arm. “Besides the big ‘do me’ eyes you’re always giving each other, you mean?”

“We don’t – “

“Or maybe it’s the simmering tension,” Phoebe said, eyes going theatrically wide as she slid closer, then back. “Or the way you say her name. Or the – “

Adora didn’t know the whole sad story, like Glimmer did, so Adora really didn’t have the energy to get mad at her. Instead she smiled, relaxing her arms as the spotlight finally left them. “She’s my friend.”

“But you want her.” Phoebe put her hands on Adora’s shoulders, raising her eyebrows. “You want her so bad it’s killing you.”

Adora felt herself turn pale at the frank truth behind Phoebe’s accusation. She let her arms drop, coming to such an abrupt stop they both stumbled.

“I know some things have happened in the past,” Phoebe said, recovering quickly. “But – “

Adora forced a smile, pushing Phoebe’s hands away. “I know you love being right, but you aren’t this time. Sorry to disappoint.”

Phoebe frowned at her, then nodded. “Okay. I’ll drop it. Let’s go find them.”

Catra and Scorpia had come to a stop along the far wall. Scorpia clapped slowly, giving Phoebe a borderline inappropriate kiss when she skated over. Catra leaned back casually, her arms on the partition. The look she gave Adora sat somewhere between furious and nonplussed.

“What?” Adora asked, shaking off her conversation with Phoebe by planting her back to the tongue-fest going on next to them.

Catra shook her head. “Will you help me back to the table?”

She offered her arm. Adora chuckled and took her elbow, pulling her. It didn't take long for what Catra was thinking to come spilling out.

“I just can’t believe you let me come here and _didn’t_ tell me you were a skating _goddess!_ ”

Adora shook her head. “I’m not that good. Just had a good teacher.”

“Everyone was looking at you.”

Adora tried to figure out her tone. It was off, somehow. “Mostly at Phoebe, though.”

“What? No.” Catra cleared her throat. “I don’t think so.”

“And if I took you out there, they’d be looking at you,” Adora said, then cringed. Now why the hell would she say something like that? It was the second time she had dropped a line on Catra without even thinking. She should think. She should think a _lot_ before speaking. Maybe even have to fill out some forms to be approved by a third party.

“No way.” Catra’s voice was heavy with disgust. They stepped onto the carpet together, stepping their way to the table where Bow and Glimmer were fighting over fries. “I can barely stand in these things.”

Adora remembered how Catra had looked dancing in her room, in those tiny sleep shorts and the tank top with too-long straps.

She pulled her hand away, trusting Catra to be able to sit on her own. “You're welcome for the escort. I’m gonna go back out there.”

“Okay,” Catra said, smiling as Bow pushed her a plate with two slices of pizza on it. Glimmer sipped her soda, pointedly not looking Adora’s way.

“Hey,” Adora said pointedly. “Come skate with me.”

Glimmer looked up reluctantly. If she knew Adora was only asking because she didn’t want her alone with Catra, it didn’t show. She got up with a very belabored sigh.

“Catra, can you watch my jacket?” Adora asked, shrugging it off. Catra nodded, mouth full. The big t-shirt she had on was slipping off one shoulder, and her tights didn’t look very insulating. “You can wear it, if you’re cold.”

“Okay,” Catra said, holding her hand out for it without looking. Bow leaned across the table to whisper something that made her laugh. Adora was mildly surprised that they were getting along, but welcomed it.

Glimmer walked silently next to her until they were back in the rink. Then she had to hold onto Adora for support.

“You’re not still mad at me, are you?” She finally asked.

Adora picked up speed purposefully quickly so Glimmer would have to focus on staying up instead of talking. “No. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“And I shouldn’t have meddled.” She squeaked as they took the turn too fast. “Slow down!”

*********************

“How did you get your hair to look like that?” Catra asked.

The last time she saw Bow, his hair had been just kind of sticking straight up. A flat top, she thought it was called. Now it fell in a series of really tight curls, hanging all around his head.

He reached up to finger one of them, frowning. Catra backtracked.

“Sorry. Was that too personal?”

“No,” he said. “Not at all. These are called twists.” He paused, looking at Catra’s hair in a strange way. “I also put castor oil and, you know, moisturizer in it. Makes it easier to manage when I need it to do something.”

Catra nodded, interested. “It looks really good.”

He smiled. “Thanks. You could do it, too, if you wanted. Or something similar.”

“My hair doesn’t really do much,” she explained. “Never has. That’s why I keep it so short.”

Bow nodded, folding his hands together on the table in a formal way, hesitating before he asked. “What’s your routine?”

“Routine?" She had to think about it. "Shampoo, conditioner…”

“How often do you do that?”

“Every day,” she said, her nervous laugh trailing away as Bow's face filled with horror. “W-what?”

His eyes closed like he was steeling himself for something, then he opened them and leaned forward. “You should _not_ be washing your hair every day.”

Catra bristled, wondering if he was somehow making fun of her. But that didn't seem like something he would do. Did it? "I don't understand."

“I mean, whoever told you that did _not_ know anything about your kind of hair.”

She remembered how the nuns had always made comments about the state of her braid. How no one else had had hair like her, and when she met people like Bow or Lonnie it was the first thing she noticed.

“You don’t wash your hair every day?” She asked him. That, too, had been strictly enforced. Showers. Every day.

But Bow shook his head. “I take showers, yeah, but I only wash my hair, like, once or twice a week.”

Catra looked at his hair again, tilting her head to the side.

“Yours should be about the same,” he said. “The shampoo is what makes it so dry. Not that your looks dry!” He said really fast, holding a hand out as though to stop her from feeling self-conscious. Which she did. “I just know because it’s so much like mine. Just not as kinky."

“I should stop washing my hair?” She asked, still stuck on that part.

Bow looked like he was trying not to say something, but lost the battle with himself, releasing his breath in a big gust. “I mean, yeah. Conditioning is fine. I condition all the time. You’d benefit from a good moisturizer and maybe, like, a macadamia oil.”

“How do you know all of this?”

He looked down. “My dads have hair like mine. Most black kids learn this stuff from their parents.”

Oh. He felt awkward because Catra was an orphan. Ha, ha. “I never even knew…I thought I just had bad hair.”

“How about this,” he said, picking his phone up. “You can give me your number and ask me any questions you have! Or the next time you come over I can just show you how it’s – “

“Okay,” she said, eagerly.

He grinned and handed her his phone. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom while you do that.”

“Okay,” she said again, fishing for her own phone to find her number. She didn’t know how people could just _memorize_ all those digits.

The phone she pulled out wasn’t hers. It was Adora’s, because she was wearing Adora’s jacket. Duh. She forgot she'd given Scorpia her wallet and her phone, because Scorpia had pockets tonight, and she didn't.

Adora's screen lit up without her pressing anything, displaying a text message from someone named Elise.

_Tonight?_

That was all it said. Without really processing what she was doing, or why, Catra pressed the home button. The phone opened without asking for a password, already sitting on the messenger app.

Catra saw her own name under two others; Glimmer and this Elise. When she clicked on the topmost conversation, she saw the _tonight?_ message, sent only an hour previous. Above that was from the day before, from Adora. It was the emoji with its mouth open and it’s eyes X’d out.

Above that were two pictures. From the girl. Catra felt her eyes grow wide as saucers and she clicked the phone shut, shoving it back in the jacket pocket and just sitting there. It had all gone down in a span of about five seconds, and now horror constricted her throat. Why had she done that? What had possessed her to go through Adora’s texts like that? Who the hell _was_ she?

But that was only half of it. The other half was the cold, bare facts of what she had seen.

Bow sat back down a minute later. “Did you – ?”

She thrust his phone over. “I don’t have my phone right now. You can just get it from Ador – “

He made a face at her as she choked on the name. “Are you okay?”

“Fresh air.” She got to her feet, then sat back down to start tugging at the laces on her boots. "I need fresh air."

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No!” She snapped, getting one foot free. If her hands weren’t shaking so bad… “No, you go skate. I’m fine.”

“Uh huh,” he said, sounding unconvinced. But she finally got her other foot out and pushed away, headed for the front doors.

It was cold outside. Really cold. It seeped through the bottom of her socks almost right away, numbing her toes as she strode just out of the halo of light the sign emitted. Her mind was blank and not-blank at the same time, every single thought trying to be louder than the next.

She almost didn’t notice Phoebe finding her a few minutes later.

“Cat?” A voice asked. Catra continued to stare at the ground. “What are you doing hiding out here? Aren’t your feet cold?”

“Why didn’t you tell me Adora has a girlfriend?”

It took Phoebe a second to answer. “She doesn’t.”

“No?” Catra asked, sounding too aggressive, even to herself. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Phoebe said, firmly and patiently. “What did she say to you?”

Catra ran her fingers through her hair (it _was_ dry). She had ruined everything. Adora was going to see that Catra had opened that message, and she was gonna be so mad that Catra had broken her trust like that. After everything, it would be _this!_

“I did something bad.”

Phoebe glanced around, stepping closer. She had at least put shoes on. “What happened?”

Catra told her, clutching at her hair. Phoebe listened with a frown that got deeper and deeper.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” she scolded when Catra finished talking.

“I know!”

Phoebe looked her up and down, holding out a hand. “Give it to me. I’ll tell her I accidentally opened it.”

Catra gaped. “Why would you do that?”

“I’ll just say I was trying to take a picture, or something, and did it on accident. She doesn’t care about that kind of stuff.”

The aftermath of panic left Catra’s chest feeling hollow. “She won’t care?”

“No. Just don’t mention what you saw, all right?”

Catra nodded, taking off the whole jacket and handing it over with Adora’s phone inside. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Phoebe put the jacket on, pulling it into place and chewing on her lip. “And Elise isn’t her girlfriend.”

“I just told you what I – “

“I know,” Phoebe said carefully. “I know. But it’s not like that.”

Pain lanced through Catra’s tongue as she bit it. Hard. The tears in her eyes spilled over anyway. “I don’t understand.”

Phoebe gave her a sad look, up through her eyelashes. “I know Elise. And I know their relationship. It’s…platonic.”

Sour bile danced over Catra’s tongue. She swallowed it down as she shook her head, ready to argue.

“It’s just sex!” Phoebe finally blurted, squeezing her eyes shut. “Adora doesn’t have feelings for her. They just…you know.”

Clearly, Phoebe expected this to make Catra feel better. Instead, violent, churning beasts fought for dominance in the pit of her stomach. Shame, self-hatred, inadequacy. Because it didn’t make a difference, did it? Whether Adora was in love with that girl or not, Catra could never compete with...artfully composed photographs and ruffled pink satin and _huge_ boobs and so much bare skin it was basically pornography –

“Stop it,” Phoebe said, taking her by the shoulders as she stuttered through shallow breaths. “Hey. Stop freaking out.”

Catra tried her best to glare.

“Just forget you saw it,” Phoebe begged. “Because Adora has! She blew Elise off. She told me on Wednesday.”

“They’re – m-meeting tonight.”

“No. No, they aren’t.”

“You don’t know th-that!”

“I do.” Phoebe smoothed one hand over Catra’s head, which would normally not be allowed. But now it felt kind of nice. “I know. Okay? Adora’s too…noble.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.” Phoebe pulled her hands away slowly. “Do you want me to go get Scorpia?”

Catra shook her head. “No. I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.”

“I’ll bring you your shoes, okay?”

Catra just nodded, leaning back against the building and crossing her arms. Adora wouldn’t know what she’d done. That was a good thing. Catra could feel relieved about that.

She couldn’t feel the same about those pictures. _Just sex._ Yeah, right. Her brain wouldn't stop thinking about Adora touching that girl, meeting up with her for carnal, disgusting things –

 _How can you say it’s disgusting,_ a little voice in her head nagged, _when it’s_ you _you wish she was doing it to?_

Catra pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes sockets, groaning. She didn’t have a chance. She never did, not really. Elise. Catra hated her. Catra wanted to tear her eyes out.

It hurt so bad. Hope she should never have given herself in the first place, ripped right out of her heart. She had been thinking of her competition as nameless, faceless. Now it had both, and a very stupendously pretty face, at that. One that sent Adora lewd photos like it was nothing. One that had Adora responding with a single emoji like it was nothing, like she got pictures like that sent to her all the time.

Catra almost wished she had scrolled further up, just to unveil more of the rope that was currently hanging her. Maybe Adora had sent pictures, too.

And that thought was just too much. Catra threw up in the grass, falling to her knees and holding her arms over her stomach is it heaved painfully hard. Concession stand pizza and soda. Yum.

When it was over, she wiped her mouth and stood up, walking back to the door just as Phoebe came back out with her shoes.

“Thanks,” Catra said, carrying them in one hand.

Phoebe held the door open for her, looking very worried as they entered the dark, loud room again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Catra paused, considering it. Adora and Bow were sitting at the table now, just the two of them. They hadn’t seen Catra and Phoebe standing over by the door, and probably hadn’t even noticed their absence in the first place.

“I want you to be really honest with me,” she said quietly, turning to a waiting Phoebe. “Why would she like me? Why would she want me, and not that – that girl?”

Faint irritation flickered across Phoebe’s expression. “It has nothing to do with what you look like, Cat. Adora isn’t like that. She likes you because you’re _you._ ”

“ _Help_ me,” Catra said, feeling tears threaten again. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Phoebe swallowed, looking off toward the rink helplessly, like she wished Scorpia were there to handle this. Too bad. She wanted to be in Scorpia’s life, and that included the mess that was Catra.

Finally, Phoebe's face went hard and full of resolve. She turned to Catra with her hands on her hips, a dark, almost scary look in her eye. "You want to seduce Adora?"

The words were frightening, but Catra nodded, shocked by this change. Phoebe had gone from Dancing Santa to Halloween Decoration.

“Fine. But you have to promise to do what I say. Exactly how I tell you. And you can’t tell Scorpia any of it because these are kind of my trade secrets.”

Catra nodded again. Phoebe took an alarmingly deep breath.

“Go over there and sit next to her. When she asks where you’ve been, say you were talking to a girl outside who said she liked your tights. When Adora asks who, just tell her it was a tall redhead. Okay? Make sure you say redhead. I can _almost_ guarantee Adora will ask if you could point her out. Don’t. Say she’s still outside, and you were cold so you came in here. Then say you’re tired, and put your head on her shoulder. Then – and this is crucial – put your hand on her thigh. Not very far up, just above the knee. Wait. She won’t say anything, because you do that kind of stuff all the time without realizing. She’ll put her hand around your waist. When she does that, press yourself a little bit closer and sigh really big, like you’re exhausted.” Phoebe laughed, like she couldn’t believe her own genius. “It’ll blow her mind.”

It was the kind of speech that demanded two seconds of absolute silence in its wake.

“You’re insane,” Catra realized. She’d always suspected it, but this was something else. “I have to go tell Scorpia how insane you are.”

Phoebe raised an eyebrow. “You asked me for help, I gave it. Do you need to hear it one more time?”

“At least.”

Phoebe went over it again, a little bit slower. Catra was even more convinced of her insanity than she had been before.

“Got it," she said. "Then what?’

Phoebe shrugged. “Ad infinitum. Find ways to get close to her, to touch her, to… _choose_ her. Eventually, she’ll either take the hint that you like her, or she’ll combust from arousal.”

“Wait.” Catra pulled her collar down. It was choking her to death. “This is to…to make her…?”

“Horny?” Phoebe snorted. “Uh, trust me. There’s a lot I could teach you about girls like Scorpia and Adora.”

Catra didn’t understand how Scorpia and Adora were in any way comparable. She also didn’t understand what her talking to a redhead had to do with it.

She thought of Elise.

“Okay,” she said, squaring her shoulders. “I’m gonna do it.”

Phoebe gave her a once-over, considering. “Yep. You'll do great.”

Catra swallowed, and walked toward the table. Bow looked up and saw her first.

“Hey!” He said. “You disappeared on us.”

Catra sat, already panicking. This wasn’t in the script. Adora was supposed to ask where she had been. Not him.

“I was just talking to…to a girl. Outside. She said she liked my tights.”

Fuck, that was bad. All possibilities of a future career in acting dissipated like smoke. But Bow and Adora didn’t immediately accuse her of being a liar. Bow just sort of shrugged. Adora was frowning.

“Who was it?” She asked.

Catra tried to sound more natural this time. “Oh, just some girl. She was tall…with red hair.”

Adora’s face didn’t change, but she sniffed and answered whatever question Bow must have asked before. Catra felt herself relax, only a little disappointed. She hadn’t actually expected Phoebe’s psycho plan to work. It had just been so oddly specific…

Sparkles walked over carrying two refills of soda, joining the conversation with gusto. They were talking about some mutual friend of theirs. Kyle. He was in trouble with his parents for doing something, but Catra couldn’t figure out what exactly he had done, and she didn’t want to ask so she was trying to use context clues.

“Is she in here?”

Adora was talking to her. Catra flinched in surprise. “Who?”

“The girl from outside,” Adora said. “Is she in here?”

_Holy shit._

“I don’t think so,” Catra somehow managed to answer, pretending to look around. “I came inside because I was cold. She was…smoking.”

Adora looked vaguely disappointed. Catra wasn’t sure if that little improvisation had ruined this exercise or not, so she hurried on to the next step, yawning. “I’m exhausted.”

She scooted closer, putting her head on Adora’s shoulder and leaving it there. Again, she waited for Bow and Glimmer to shout noises of disgust and start throwing food at her, but they just kept on with their conversation. Like this was completely normal.

The shoulder under Catra’s head was hard, and kind of pointy. But after a few seconds it slumped just slightly down, like Adora was un-clenching her muscles.

Now was the kicker. Could she even do it? Catra closed her eyes, counting time in her head. When she got to five, she picked up her left hand from her lap and set it down on Adora’s thigh. Far down enough for the tips of her fingers to curl against bare knee.

Besides her racing heart that everyone in the room could probably hear, there was nothing to give this away to Bow and Glimmer. It happened under the table where only Adora could feel.

This was nuts. Nuts. Catra was even more insane than Phoebe for even _trying_ to…do whatever this was.

There was no reaction from Adora. None at all. The skin of her leg burned against Catra’s palm, or maybe just Catra’s hand was burning, flushing with blood just like her face was. This was a thousand times more damning than sleeping in the same bed. This felt like what Catra imagined sex must feel like. Dangerous and heart-rending and electric.

A gunshot would have been less startling than the hand that appeared on her hip. Just above the hem of her shirt, where her hipbone jutted out. Adora’s fingers curled into the fabric, applying a very slight pressure.

Right on schedule.

Catra didn’t know why she was freaking out. All of Phoebe’s rant had just come true, so why should this part of it be so surprising? Her blood felt like fire and she could just barely control her breathing. This was supposed to be making _Adora_ feel this way, not Catra. Otherwise…she was just seducing herself! What good did that do?

Under the guise of getting more comfortable, she pressed herself closer. Just the slightest adjustment to her hips. She felt Adora take a deep breath.

She forced herself to stay like that (it really was very comfortable) for a few more minutes. Then Bow and Glimmer wanted to go back out and skate. Adora gently urged Catra to sit up, asking if she wanted to skate any more that night.

Catra froze, unable to believe her eyes. Adora’s face and chest were all flushed pink. Like she’d run a mile. And her voice…it was all low and scratchy. Her pupils looked too big.

Did that mean it had worked? If Adora looked like she was having an allergic reaction, was that a good thing?"

“Yeah,” Catra said, blinking herself out of the stupor that this whole experience had put her in. “Yeah, I just gotta put my skates on – “

“I’ll do it,” Adora said, dropping to her knees. Catra was shocked into silence, watching Adora grab her by the ankle and tie her skates even tighter than before.

“Thanks,” Catra murmured, at a loss for words. Adora exhaled really hard and stood up.

"Let's go," she said kind of brusquely.

She didn’t let go of Catra’s hand for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind Phoebe talks like Alexis Rose from Schitt's Creek lol.
> 
> Thank you so much for the lovely comments, everyone. This is my biggest fic ever and it grows so much with every chapter I'm really overwhelmed by the love this fandom has shown me so thanks <3


	9. Phoebe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags are updated for explicit sexual content (though not terribly explicit in this chapter)
> 
> We will return to your regularly scheduled Catradora content in Chapter 10.

“This is the best first date I’ve been on in years,” Phoebe giggled, guiding the straw back to her mouth.

The woman across the table gave her a small, adorable smile, looking out toward the ocean. “It is nice, isn’t it?”

Phoebe had never been to this restaurant before, even though more often than not she came to Salem to eat out. It had an open patio in the back, letting them watch the sunset glow over the bay. She pretended to examine it for a moment, admiring the quiet. This was really the first lull they’d hit since sitting down…

Scorpia could talk about _anything_ , it seemed. Books, TV, opinions on seltzer water versus still. She was a personal trainer at a nearby gym, and a physical therapist on top of that. She was a dog person, which Phoebe liked. And, of course, she was utterly gorgeous. Phoebe wasn’t only drawn in by her looks, though, or even her skill at conversation. There was a certain humility to the way she spoke about herself that Phoebe hadn’t expected. And a subtle, quiet confidence. She was physically intimidating (and _hot)_ , but none of it reflected in her personality, like it did with so many exceptionally good looking people.

The silence stretched on. Phoebe wondered if Scorpia, like her, was thinking about what came next. It wasn’t late, only half past seven, but the date could easily end right here. They could part ways and go home to reflect on what a good night it had been.

Or…

Phoebe took a chance, reaching her hand out far enough for their fingers to brush together. “Do you wanna go for a walk?”

Scorpia nodded, a smile touching her eyes. “Yeah.”

Phoebe waited outside while she paid the bill, meandering toward the water. A warm breeze made her skirt billow out and the humidity did the same to her hair. She patted at it self-consciously, wishing she had done box braids.

“So,” Scorpia said, catching her attention. Phoebe wondered how long she’d been standing just behind her. “Tell me more about school.”

Phoebe did. They followed the shoreline, getting as close to the water as the rocks would allow. She told Scorpia all about her research position, how ridiculously often her lab students risked their lives by ignoring safety instructions. About the guy (Rogelio) who always messed up her plates.

“And you said your parents are scientists?”

Phoebe nodded, surprised and pleased that she’d remembered. “My mom’s a biochemist, but my dad’s a schoolteacher. Elementary.”

“Where do they live?”

“Clifton.” Phoebe stepped down from one rock and up onto another, still not even close to meeting Scorpia’s height. “What about you? What are your parents like?”

Scorpia’s face lit up. Phoebe almost lost her footing. “They’re pretty great! They co-own a publishing company up in Toronto.”

“Toronto?” Phoebe echoed, shocked. She had thought she heard an accent, there, but hadn’t been sure. “You’re far from home.”

Very far. Opposite sides of a _continent_ , far. Etheria was the farthest Phoebe had even been from her parents, and the one hour drive felt like quite the distance until now.

Scorpia shrugged benignly. “Yeah, but I see them enough. They fly me in whenever I want.”

That sounded like it must be expensive. “How’d you end up here?”

“I found a job that looked interesting, and got it. Relocated the next week.” She glanced over at Phoebe, her pale pink lips twitching at the corners. “I know. It was a little bit of a whim, but I don’t regret it. Before, I was sort of job hopping in New York, then one of my good friends opened up a club in New Hampshire, so I went up there for a few months to help out with organizing and publicizing and things. Then this.”

Scorpia’s profile said she was twenty five, which wasn’t much older than Phoebe. But she’d certainly lived a lot more of a life.

“It just fit, and I love it here. The ocean…” she leaned in just enough to nudge Phoebe with her shoulder. “The people.”

Phoebe chuckled, pushing her hair behind her ears. “I’m glad you like it here. Have you…found it hard to meet people?”

“Kind of,” Scorpia said, and was quiet for a moment, eyes downcast. For the first time all night, her expression was guarded. “I’ve had to make a lot of changes in the past year. A social life kind of...became less important.”

“Oh,” Phoebe hummed when there was no elaboration. She ran out of rocks to walk on, so she stepped down next to Scorpia, admiring again their height difference. Scorpia was a whole head taller, and built like a prime athlete besides. “You mentioned you have a roommate. How’d you meet her?”

“That was one of the changes. She moved down here with me.”

“Let me guess,” Phoebe said. “She’s…quirky.”

Scorpia suppressed a smile. “That’s one way to put it.”

Phoebe grinned, thinking of Melanie. “My roommate is kind of…hm. There’s really no reason for us to get along, on paper. But it works, in a weird way. I know she’d do anything for me.”

Scorpia stopped walking, giving her a surprised look. “That's spot on.”

“Yeah?” Phoebe smiled, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Does yours…yell at you because your good mood is ruining hers?”

Scorpia’s eyes went wide. “Actually? _Yes._ ”

“Hm,” Phoebe said, casting around for another example, still bouncing giddily. “I have to enforce regular mealtimes, or she’ll only eat potato chips and hot pockets.”

Scorpia laughed out loud, throwing her head back and showing perfect, white teeth. “Oh, my gosh, I think we live with the same person.”

This didn’t feel like a first date, Phoebe thought while they swapped horror stories, standing closer and closer as the first chilly night winds swept in. The sun was sinking far too quickly for her liking. They should have scheduled this thing even earlier, to have more time together.

“You are really easy to talk to,” she remarked as Scorpia walked her up the hill to her car. “I’m glad we did this.”

“So am I,” Scorpia said, running a hand through her short hair. The movement accentuated the shape of her arm, and Phoebe forced her eyes to the ground lest she trip. “Would you want to – ?”

“Yes,” Phoebe answered way too quickly. They were _definitely_ doing this again.

Scorpia chuckled, and after a few more steps their hands met of their own accord, fingers interlocking like they’d been waiting to touch all night.

**********************

When Scorpia mentioned she would be in Etheria Monday afternoon, Phoebe was elated. And a little stressed. She carefully planned her time so that weekends were free and weekdays were full of studying. It wasn’t too difficult to move everything she planned for Monday to Sunday, but she sensed that doing it once was going to make it easier and easier to _keep_ doing it.

She _really_ wanted to see Scorpia again. And second dates were important. They determined whether or not the first one was a fluke, and if things would be moving forward or not. By the way their sporadic texting was going, Phoebe suspected that they would. It was mostly little things, the heres and theres of their roommates. Phoebe liked that Scorpia seemed to be a caretaker, because it would be a nice change to be in a relationship where she didn’t have to do all of the emotional heavy lifting.

She spent too long getting ready, so when Scorpia texted her that she was outside Phoebe was still leaning into the mirror with an eyeliner stick against her lower lid. She glanced down and her phone and hurriedly finished up, smudging appropriately until it all looked artful and nice.

Scorpia was even more attractive than Phoebe remembered. Not that she had forgotten much in the past two days. She wore a forest-green shirt and really short shorts. Phoebe looked from her dockers up to her chest, awestruck at the smallest bit of cleavage afforded by three undone buttons.

“Hey,” she said brightly. Phoebe just grinned at her. “What?”

“I’m just so glad you’re here,” Phoebe told her. She had a thought. “What if we didn’t go to the movies?”

“I’m up for anything”

“I kind of just want to go get coffee. And talk.”

“That sounds perfect,” she said, and Phoebe believed that she meant it. She doubted Scorpia had ever told a lie in her entire life.

“Okay. I’ll drive.”

“If you want. There’s just this…thing with my roommate. If she calls, I’ll have to go and get her.”

It all came out in a rush of information. Phoebe blinked and nodded. “Okay. That’s completely fine. Is she okay?”

“Yeah.” Scorpia pulled open the driver’s side door for her, which made Phoebe want to kiss her. A lot. “Yeah, she’s okay.”

*********************

The strange encounter outside of Oakley Hall blew Phoebe’s mind a little bit. She glanced over her shoulder to watch Adora walking the opposite direction, phone to her ear.

“I can’t believe Adora knows your roommate. You said she was…reclusive.”

“Yeah,” Scorpia said, and something in her voice was off. “I don’t know the whole story.”

Phoebe looked up at her, examining the stressed lines in her face. Maybe Scorpia _did_ lie, sometimes. “You also told her we were dating.”

“Aren’t we?” Scorpia laughed. “This is a date.”

Phoebe wound her fingers through the hand hanging over her shoulder, heart fluttering full of butterflies. At their coffee date the previous week, they had discussed moving forward, and that they were both very interested in each other. It was the kind of frank, open conversation Phoebe had always had trouble getting other people to engage with. Scorpia had treated it as completely normal and expected.

When they parted ways, Scorpia had kissed her. Phoebe wanted to do some more of that as soon as possible.

“So that means I’m your girlfriend.”

Scorpia’s distraction finally broke. She blinked and looked down, her arm tightening around Phoebe’s shoulders. “Is that what you want?”

Phoebe stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss her chin. “Duh.”

*****************

When Phoebe went to Glim and Adora’s during the week, it was so they could all sit and do homework quietly in the company of other people. This week was different. Adora kept disappearing to her room to talk on the phone. Like, hours long intensive talking.

The fourth night it happened, Phoebe gave in and asked Glimmer about it. Honestly, she was shocked Glimmer hadn’t already told her what was going on.

“Who is she talking to?”

Glimmer swiped away the remains of an eraser, eyes flitting to look up the stairs. “A friend.” When Phoebe raised her eyebrows at the lack of further information, she shrugged. “Just…this girl she knows.”

 _A lie._ “Do they talk on the phone like that every night?”

“Just about.”

Phoebe pondered that. Adora had friends outside of their group, certainly. One or two. But she didn’t do _this._ If Phoebe didn’t know better she would think it was a flirtation stage, something that comes between meeting and dating. Adora didn’t date, though, and she always pretty vehemently proclaimed that she never would.

So it couldn’t be that. And whatever it was seemed to have Glimmer on edge.

Phoebe took a mental note and let it go.

*******************

It didn’t click until they were at the beach. Phoebe noticed it right away, because there was nowhere to hide when they were all squished together in the car; Adora was looking at Scorpia’s roommate. Like, _looking_ , looking.

Phoebe was no fool. She knew there was something going on with the roommate, she just wasn’t sure what. Scorpia made a point of saying she wanted Cat and Phoebe to meet properly before she brought Phoebe over to their apartment for the first time. And she always spoke about Cat very matter of factly. Phoebe had begun to wonder if the situation had been a dealbreaker for past relationships.

Phoebe wasn't bothered by it, though. The only question she had was if it was an autism thing, like how her friend Evelyn couldn’t sit down in rooms she wasn’t familiar with. Scorpia assured her that wasn’t it, and that had been that. Plus, Phoebe had been a little distracted by Scorpia saying she _knew_ Evelyn.

“What? How?!”

“Um.” Scorpia had blushed a little, crossing her arms on Phoebe’s couch. “We met on these message boards…video game stuff. And we played online together. Eventually we both realized we live nearby and met up.”

Scorpia was a _nerd?_ But it made a little bit of sense. Evelyn _did_ live online, and also with her parents, somewhere between Etheria and Salem. She commuted to school, so Phoebe didn’t see her very often.

“And here I thought you were all jock,” Phoebe had noted, giving a playful shove that quickly turned into something much more physical.

So now Phoebe and Cat had met. Officially. And things started to take shape. Maybe Cat wasn’t autistic, but socializing seemed very difficult for her. She answered Phoebe’s hello with a muttered _hey_ and no eye contact at all.

 _Adora_ , however, had no problem getting eye contact. Cat barely ever looked away from her. The two of them walked off toward the beach together, and Phoebe stared after them until Melanie thrust a bunch of towels into her hands.

It was a beautiful day, just perfect. The sky was blue and the water was clear. Warm sunlight kissed her nose and the air smelled like sunscreen and salt.

Too bad she was so distracted.

Adora set up chairs and umbrellas and things. Cat stood off to the side and watched her.

Glimmer – the most animated she’d been in days, thanks to a bout of art block – went straight into the water. “Pheebs,” Melanie said, holding up sunscreen in a silent question. Phoebe took it and started applying the lotion to her back.

“Santa’s gonna ignore me all day,” her roommate griped, watching Santiago and Bow whispering about something and grinning. “He’s so determined to make Bow like him.”

“Bow does like him,” Phoebe said. Santiago was relatively new to the group, so it made sense he would gravitate to the only other male presence. “Why is he so worried?”

“Because Bow isn’t like any friend he’s ever had before, I guess. They can’t bond over…tits and beer and whatever else he does in that frat house.”

Phoebe giggled. “And you’d rather he was paying attention to _your_ tits?”

“What the fuck else is a beach trip for?”

That made them both laugh, and Phoebe’s careful watching out of the corner of her eye finally paid off. Adora noticed Scorpia putting sunscreen on Cat’s back, and her reaction gave it all away. She straightened, extreme tension going through her shoulders and then disappearing as she dragged Bow away.

“Want me to get you?” Melanie asked. Phoebe waved her off and walked over to ask Scorpia. She had such lovely hands.

“You are really something, you know that?” Scorpia said after massaging the lotion into Phoebe's skin.

She pulled her eyes off Adora and turned, squinting up into Scorpia’s eyes, unsure of what she meant. “Am I?”

“Mmhm,” Scorpia smiled, bending down to kiss her. Phoebe closed her eyes and let her body bend inward, a warm feeling more satisfying than the sun spreading across her skin. Kissing Scorpia was very, very exciting business. Her lips were slow and gentle, hands never wandering farther than Phoebe might be comfortable with. She smelled like expensive soap and a bouquet of freshly picked flowers.

“I’m about to start kicking sand," snapped a very unhappy voice.

They broke apart. Cat frowned at them from a beach chair, Scorpia’s sunglasses covering half of her face. Phoebe was quite offended, but Scorpia’s quiet laugh made her relax. 

The freezing cold water was a good excuse to cling to Scorpia’s back. She let her girlfriend walk them out to join the others at shoulder-high water. It was amazing that Scorpia was talking to everyone, and charming them as much as she’d charmed Phoebe. It meant she could rest her chin on a comfortable shoulder and watch as Adora glanced to the shore every other minute.

Then there was an impromptu game of chicken, where she was forced to fight Melanie to the watery death. It wasn’t her favorite game, but she did get to sit on Scorpia's shoulders and feel strong hands gripping her thighs.

And she did win both rounds, not to brag. Melanie was vicious, but Santiago had skinny legs.

When it was over, she realized she’d lost track of Adora. She spun around to where she had gone.

There it was. _Finally._

Phoebe uncurled from her frozen position next to Melanie and swam to Scorpia, hitching her legs around her waist and winding her arms around her neck. She had the vague sense of interrupting Bow mid-sentence, but this was more important. Bow could wait.

“Hey,” Phoebe said softly, trailing her fingers through short white hairs at the base of Scorpia’s neck and enjoying the sudden, heated look in her eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

She nodded, her hands finding Phoebe’s ass and resting there. Phoebe shivered.

“Where did you say you moved from?”

The question appeared to catch her off guard. “Uh…New Hampshire.”

New Hampshire. One of the very, very few scraps of information she had about Adora’s past. Her true past, not the cover story.

Bow was the only other person who knew the truth. Phoebe suspected Glimmer had only told her anything because she knew Phoebe could keep a secret. 

Phoebe _prided_ herself on keeping secrets. And it paid off, because people came to her when they needed someone to listen. She liked being that person. She liked helping.

“Does Cat disappear every night to talk on the phone?” She asked.

Right away, she saw that Scorpia didn’t want to answer. Which meant that she must feel the same way about secrets…and Phoebe could only come up with one reason why this would be a secret.

“Look,” she said very gently, nodding toward the beach.

Adora and Cat stood very close, facing each other and clearly having an intense conversation. Adora’s whole body bent toward Cat, like a magnet. Like she was the entire world. It was almost _too_ close. Too intimate. As they watched, Adora reached out to wrap one hand around Cat’s wrist. Phoebe gasped – she had never, _never,_ seen Adora act this way with someone. Not unless, like, they were _in_ the club and Adora _was_ going to take them home that night.

Scorpia sighed.

Phoebe poked her arm. “It’s Adora she’s talking to, isn’t it?”

She nodded. They stared at each other, coming to a mutual, wordless decision.

“I have never seen Adora act like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Adora had hook-ups, not girlfriends. And never did she bring them around their friend group. “Like _that._ ”

Adora had just flipped Cat up and over, laughing and coughing from the near-drowning that had just taken place. Cat came back up and pushed her shoulder. It was a play-fight. So familiar and intimate it left absolutely no doubt as to how they knew each other. This was an _old_ friendship. If friendship was even the word anymore.

“I know what you mean,” Scorpia said. They shared another look.

***************

Their first, official sleepover was that Friday night. Phoebe was excited. It was nice to know her first meeting with Cat had gone well enough for Scorpia to feel comfortable bringing her over. And now that Phoebe knew (or knew enough to guess) what Cat’s deal was, she understood why Scorpia had been so reluctant.

Back in high school, Glimmer had missed an entire week of school with no warning. When she came back, she had a sister. An adopted, eighteen year old sister. And Phoebe remembered meeting Adora much later, and being _worried_. Because Adora had been impossibly shy and jumpy and just a little bit broken. Phoebe knew then that something very serious and tragic had happened to her.

Of course all that had changed over the years, but Phoebe still remembered. And it was exactly the same kind of tragedy she saw in Cat’s eyes.

They sat on Scorpia’s couch after dinner, when Cat had locked herself up in her room. Scorpia thought it had gone well, but Phoebe wasn’t so sure. Cat had a glum demeanor the whole time, her strange eyes always looking down at food she barely touched.

Phoebe wondered what kind of mixed parentage could result in someone with the genetics for both blue and gold (or was it a light hazel?) eyes _and_ brown skin.

She was very beautiful. But so _sad._

“It was hard,” Scorpia said in hushed tones, Phoebe nestled under her arm. “It’s not like I knew what I was doing. I just had this _person_ I was responsible for. I thought I was helping by getting her out of that town, but once we were here she…it was bad. I was just so sure I’d wake up and find that she’d bolted, or worse. She wouldn’t go see anyone, even though I kept telling her she was too old to become a ward of the state and no one would take her away. I stopped trying to make her leave the house at all.”

Something inoffensive played on the television. Phoebe chewed on a fingernail, listening as Scorpia took a breath.

“And she would have these – these night terrors? I don’t know what to call it. Just…screaming like I've never heard before. It’s horrible. I used to go try to wake her up or comfort her or anything... She still has them from time to time, but it’s not nearly as bad. The most recent one was that day she saw Adora again.”

“Then it got better?”

She felt Scorpia’s nod against her head. “It’s like night and day.”

Thinking very hard, Phoebe sat up and took a sip from bottle Scorpia had given her. She didn’t, as a rule, drink beer. Scorpia caught her second-long grimace and frowned accusingly.

“You don’t like it.”

She hurriedly took another drink, fighting and laughing in surprise when Scorpia tried to pull the bottle away. “I like it! I like it!”

“You _don’t,_ ” Scorpia said, huffing a laugh against Phoebe’s cheek as she reached. “I can go get you something else.”

“I gotta – acquire – the taste,” Phoebe grunted, still laughing and trying to worm away as Scorpia’s body pushed hers back onto the cushions. The bottle was finally wrested out of her hand and set on the coffee table, next to Scorpia’s. “How can I do that if you won’t let me _taste_ it?”

Scorpia’s mouth was soft against hers, moving with easy confidence and patience. “I like that I can tell you things,” she whispered. Phoebe groaned, pulling her more fully on top and smoothing her hands over wide shoulders and firm breasts. The kiss turned a little bit less composed.

“Wait,” Phoebe said, pulling back before she got too distracted. Scorpia gazed blankly down at her. “Now I have to tell you something.”

“Go ahead,” Scorpia murmured, leaning back in. Her nose ghosted over Phoebe’s chin, her lips and tongue meeting the hollow just beneath her ear. Phoebe’s body reacted instantly, hips rolling up.

“I mean it,” she gasped out.

Scorpia exhaled and sat up completely, pulling Phoebe along with her. Her lips were reddened and there was a rosy cast to her cheeks that Phoebe couldn’t look away from.

“I’m listening."

Phoebe scooted closer, gathering her thoughts around her like dissipating clouds. This was important.

“Adora doesn’t let people get close to her. Glim and Bow, maybe, but nobody else. Not even me. And I’ve always understood why she might feel that way, but I couldn’t help but think…she was running from something. What if…?”

She let her question trail off into space. Scorpia knew what she was trying to say. “And I know you saw what happened after the lightning strike.”

“Yeah,” Scorpia said, looking worried. “I saw it.”

“ _So…_ ” Phoebe shuffled closer still, practically in Scorpia’s lap. Scorpia was already shaking her head.

“I’ve been thinking the exact same thing, ever since Adora showed up, but…look, my sexual orientation was a complete mystery to Cat up until last week.”

Phoebe took another swig of the beer. Mistake. “What?”

“She thought I was straight.”

The beer caught in her throat, making her cough and splutter. Scorpia found that very funny.

“You were dating _me_ a week ago!”

“Shhh. I know. I think Adora must have spelled it out for her, because she was really freaked out.”

“Freaked out?” Phoebe repeated, a spark of protective anger sharpening her tone.

“Blindsided. She had _absolutely_ no clue. And…you know…her upbringing might have something to do with that.”

Phoebe caught her meaning, thinking it through. She did remember when Adora had actively started pursuing women. It wasn’t until college. Had she found that part of herself after she left?

“Yeah. Maybe. So you think…”

“I think _if_ either of them are aware of their feelings, it’s not Cat.”

Scorpia sounded sad. Phoebe rubbed a thumb across the back of her hand. “Then you have to make her aware!”

“How do I go about that?”

“Cat needs someone to show her that it’s _okay_ to feel these things. You need to tell her, without her knowing what it is you're getting at – “

“ _You_ ,” Scorpia said suddenly, taking the bottle back. “Are kind of devious.”

Phoebe bit her lip. Scorpia didn’t look or sound angry, but there was a steely tint to her eyes that made Phoebe feel a little bit afraid she’d pushed too far. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not saying I disagree with you, but it’s late. We have to be up early.” Scorpia leaned in to whisper in her ear. “And your scheming is kind of a turn on.”

“I resent that,” Phoebe whispered back, her whole body breaking into goosebumps. “Scheming implies I have bad intentions.”

“Then I must be scheming.” Scorpia stood up in one big motion, pulling Phoebe effortlessly up with her. “Because I intend to do some _very_ bad things to you.”

************

Glimmer brought it up, out of nowhere. They were sitting at their usual table in the library, nestled against one wall in the central computer room. The booth gave an illusion of privacy, even though there had to be a hundred other people in there with them.

“Adora’s in love with Cat.”

Phoebe looked up slowly, wondering if she’d heard that right. Glimmer looked incredibly relieved, like she’d just had a massive weight lifted from her shoulders.

“What?”

“She told me this weekend, when we went home. She’s been in love with Cat this _entire_ time. Years and years.”

Phoebe froze, caught for a moment in the bliss of having been right. “Why are you telling me this?”

Glimmer sighed sharply. “Because Bow doesn’t seem to grasp how _insane_ it is.”

“Sorry, what’s insane?”

“That Adora isn’t going to do _anything_ about it!”

“Why wouldn’t she?”

Manic energy rolled off of Glimmer in waves. She moved to Phoebe’s side of the booth to better see if Adora walked in. “I never really knew for sure. I just kind of _suspected_ , but it’s true! Cat is the reason Adora left that _cult”_ – she whispered the word – “in the first place.”

Phoebe closed her book. “Go on.”

*****************

As soon as Phoebe left the library, she called Scorpia.

“Hey,” she answered warmly. Phoebe knew she’d just gotten off of work.

“We need to talk.”

“Oh?”

“Not like that. It’s about…our friends.” She glanced around. “Our mutual friends concerning whom we know a shared secret – “

“Yeah, I know who you mean. What’s going on?”

“So, I just found out something that definitely changes…things.”

Scorpia was quiet for a second. “Yeah. I think I might know the same thing.”

“What do _you_ know?”

“…What if I came over there tonight?” Scorpia asked.

Phoebe stopped walking. “What for?” And why was she avoiding the question?

“I miss you,” Scorpia said, like it was very simple. Phoebe’s heart melted with joy.

“I miss you, too.” She closed her eyes, sighing. “But we can’t do that. Our apartment has a strict no-sleepovers-during-the-week rule.”

It was Phoebe’s rule, because her school schedule was so insane and required so much focus. Melanie never seemed to care. In fact, she usually stayed at Santiago’s during the week.

“I can come to you,” she hedged. “If that’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Scorpia said. Phoebe could hear her smile. “We’ll talk then.”

“Good. I’ll see you…” Home, vigorous shower, long drive… “Around seven. And I’ll have to leave super early in the morning.”

“I’ll make sure you’re up.”

“Okay. Sounds great.” She hung up and bit her lip against a smile, the unspoken _I love you_ sitting on the tip of her tongue.

***************

“So Cat totally rejected her,” Phoebe whispered, pulling her pillow closer to Scorpia’s in the darkness, their legs winding together.

“No,” Scorpia argued. Her calloused hand smoothed up Phoebe’s side, and back down again. “The way she told it…she doesn’t even consider that as a possibility. She thought Adora was in love with someone else, and that’s why she had to leave.”

Phoebe made a frustrated noise into her pillow. “That’s ridiculous. They’ve made a complete and utter _mess_ out of this.”

Scorpia laughed, kissing her forehead. “What are you planning, now?”

“I don’t even know where to start with it, Scorp!” She hissed. “Adora’s not going to open up to her again. Not after that.”

“And I don’t see Cat reaching out. Not about his. Can't you just...talk to Adora..."

"No. No, Adora has never told me any of this stuff. Glimmer told me. I'm not supposed to know, and...I just can't."

"Oh, right."

Phoebe closed her eyes. “What did you say to her? After she told you?”

“I told her it wasn’t hopeless. I hinted, like you said. I pointed out that…the lightning incident.”

Phoebe pulled her head back, facing Scorpia’s general direction. “You did? And then what?”

“She threw up really hard for like an hour.”

“Oh, she’s terrified.” Phoebe felt a pang of sympathy, even as the idea finished forming in her head. “We’re gonna have to push her, Scorp.”

Scorpia made a noise that could have been agreement or concern.

Phoebe yawned, snuggling closer and letting Scorpia pull the blankets up around them. “I’m so happy with you,” she said, just because.

It was true. Laying there under the covers with Scorpia was no dangerous than being alone in her own bed. Phoebe’s heart was safe, here. She knew it deep down in her bones.

Another brush of lips over her forehead. “So am I.”

*******************

The Hadley was packed. And hot, and sweaty, and not very fresh-smelling. Phoebe loved it there. And she loved getting to show Scorpia, and she loved dancing, and she loved being _drunk._

“I wish Adora came,” she bemoaned, falling onto a barstool. Scorpia steadied her and gave her a dubious look when she ordered another drink. “Dancing with Adora is so much _fun_. And _hot_.”

Scorpia raised her eyebrows, the slightest pink tinge coloring her cheeks. Phoebe reached out with one hand to stroke her face. “What do you think they’re doing right now?”

It was very easy to drop a few hints that Cat was lonely and sad. Like clockwork, Adora had bailed on them.

“I can’t say.” Scorpia handed the bartender a wad of cash when he delivered Phoebe’s cocktail. “Cat’s probably thrilled.”

Phoebe nodded seriously, slurping through her straw and toying with Scorpia’s collar. “You look very beautiful tonight.”

Scorpia smiled. “So do you.”

“Hey, this is really good,” Phoebe said, after her next sip.

“I can tell.”

Scorpia had had only two beers, which put her on the sober end of their group. Glimmer and Bow were off gyrating somewhere, and Melanie was yelling at Santiago in Spanish by the back patio.

“Nice of you to be the driver,” Phoebe said. She let Scorpia have the last sip, deciding she’d rather share than get too drunk and pass out before they were even home. No, she had plans for when they got home.

“I don’t mind it. Driving drunk people around is usually my favorite part of going out.”

“I’ll try to sober up.”

Scorpia chuckled. “It’s pretty sad you need to say that after two drinks.”

“I never said I was a heavyweight,” Phoebe clarified, holding back a hiccup. “Can we go dance now?”

It was almost one by the time everyone had been dropped off at their places. Glimmer and Bow stumbled into her apartment together, and Melanie wanted to go to Santiago’s. At least, that was Phoebe’s best guess because Melanie wasn’t speaking English.

Then it was just them. She unlocked her front door and let Scorpia in, almost immediately enveloped in a hot, almost brutal kiss. She groaned, thrusting her hand out until she heard the door slam, then fumbling to turn the lock while Scorpia divested her of her clothes.

“Is this okay?” She asked between kisses, pulling Phoebe’s dress over her head. Phoebe withheld an eyeroll – Scorpia asked that a lot, and it was always _very_ okay.

“My room,” she murmured back. Scorpia walked them backwards, and Phoebe didn’t even care about the mess of clothes they left behind by the door.

Then she was sat on the edge of her bed, at the perfect height to press her face into Scorpia’s chest and lick over one of her nipples. Scorpia groaned, cradling the back of her head while she struggled with her pants. Phoebe helped, and they were finally naked.

“You’re perfect,” Scorpia gasped, pushing Phoebe onto her back and advancing, dropping kisses all over her body. “How did I find someone like you?”

Phoebe laughed, exhilarated. “Stop that.”

“No.” Scorpia dragged a tongue across her neck, biting very lightly. Phoebe whimpered. “I’ll never stop. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, don’cha know?”

Phoebe accidentally laughed her ugliest laugh, clapping one hand over her mouth. Then all the alcohol still in her body made it keep happening. She laughed so hard Scorpia actually sat up on one elbow, an exasperated look on her face. Her smudged eyeliner and ruined lipstick made Phoebe laugh even harder.

“Sorry, what’s that?” Scorpia asked, over-exaggerating her accent. “You’re laughin’ at me, eh?”

“I told you,” Phoebe said, gasping for air between bouts of laughter. “To _never_ use the Canada voice in bed.”

“It’s who I am, Phoebe.” She was back to her normal voice, now. “Plus the snorting’s pretty great.”

“I don’t _snort_ ,” Phoebe said, snorting as Scorpia started tickling her. There was no escaping it; Scorpia let her weight bear down until Phoebe was completely pinned. “Scorpia!”

The tickling stopped abruptly, and Scorpia rolled them both over. The movement made Phoebe’s head spin. “Thank you,” she said, breathless and still on the verge of another giggle attack.

She dragged a hand up Scorpia’s stomach, always in awe of the muscle beneath the soft flesh. “I wanna make you feel good,” she decided. It was usually Scorpia who took care of her first. And very thoroughly, at that. Phoebe wanted to make _her_ the center of attention for once. Because she loved her very much and wanted to communicate it in some way less concrete than words.

Scorpia’s face blushed crimson. “Okay,” she said. “I’m all yours.”

“Yes.” Phoebe set her mouth back on Scorpia’s suddenly heaving breasts, snaking her hand down between her legs. “You are.”

****************

The morning after the skating rink, Phoebe snuck out of bed and got dressed, leaving Scorpia to snore softly into her pillow. The apartment was cold today, so she went to Scorpia’s closet and found a sweater to steal.

She had already started the coffee pot when she noticed she wasn’t alone. Cat sat in the big window nook, bathed in morning light and wrapped in a blanket.

“Hey,” she said, face blank. Phoebe crossed her arms and walked over.

“Hey, Cat. Why are you up so early?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

She pulled her legs in, knees to her chest. Phoebe almost didn’t see it as the invitation it was. She took a seat, shocked and pleased.

They sat in silence, listening to the coffee pot whir and spit. Cat’s soft voice was almost inaudible.

“Are you in love with Scorpia?”

Phoebe was startled by the question, but only by its suddenness. She’d known the answer for quite some time. “I am,” she whispered back, watching Cat’s eyebrows twitch together. “Why do you ask?”

This time the silence stretched out for so long Phoebe thought Cat had given up. The coffee was nearly done.

Finally, she took a deep breath and looked up. “Does it make you feel really bad?”

Phoebe gave that question its due diligence, pulling her arms into the sweater. “Love is... yeah, it can hurt. It can eat you up inside. I’ve had that kind of love. I’ve had _plenty_ of that kind of love. So… I know that this time is more right than any of the others.”

Cat watched her with a mildly confused glower.

“I got so lucky, meeting her and getting to be with her. But it could have gone a different way. Say…Scorpia had matched with someone else on that app. Say the first time I met her was hanging out with you and Adora, and she had someone else on her arm. I would still probably have developed feelings for her, even if I saw her super rarely. In that case… it would hurt. A lot. Does that make it any less right?”

A wet sort of laugh escaped Cat’s nose. “So you think it’s a good thing that I feel like complete garbage.”

“No, that wasn’t my point.” Phoebe leaned her head back, yawning. “I thought you had a good time last night.”

“I did. And I should probably thank you for talking me down. And giving me advice.”

“Any time,” Phoebe said, still very pleased that her advice had worked.

“But…but nothing happened,” Cat whispered, a single tear spilling down her cheek. “Every time I think it will, it doesn’t. If I keep putting myself out there it’s just gonna hurt worse when I – “ She stopped, shaking her head.

It was impressive, really, the amount of crippling self-doubt in such a tiny person. Phoebe had been there, though, and she knew there wasn’t anything she could say to make Cat feel better.

Unless.

Suddenly, Phoebe knew she had to give it a shot. Even if it was technically a breach of Adora – and Glimmer’s – trust. Maybe playing both sides this whole time had been cruel.

“Cat,” she started, thinking of how to put it. “Adora is exactly as scared as you are.”

“What?” Cat asked.

Phoebe nodded. “You could have everything you want. All you need to do is find the courage to tell her.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Cat snapped, sitting up. “You and Scorpia are practically the same person! Why would you ever fight or – or _not_ love each other?”

“It’s easy _now_ ,” Phoebe emphasized. “It’s not always going to be. Just like it’s not _always_ going to be difficult for you! Sometimes you need to be patient!”

“That’s _not_ my strong suit,” she huffed, sitting back and crossing her arms. Phoebe gave a surprised laugh.

“I can tell. But did you hear what I just told you?”

“Yeah,” Cat whispered. “I heard.”

“And?”

“And even if it’s true – “ And Phoebe could see on Cat’s face that she _still_ didn’t think it was. “ – I’m still a coward.”

She didn’t believe that Phoebe _knew_ Adora was scared. She still thought Phoebe was just giving advice.

“Well,” she patted Cat’s bony knee. “I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re very brave for coming this far.”

Cat blinked hard a few times, looking away. Phoebe sensed she wanted to be alone. She stood up and padded back to Scorpia’s bedroom, coffee in hand.

“Babe,” she whispered, setting the cup down on the nightstand and straddling Scorpia’s hips, tracing her fingers down her bare stomach. “I’m gonna kill your roommate.”

Scorpia moved her arm from over her eyes to above her head, squinting up at Phoebe. “Who?”

“How can you live with someone so _stubborn?”_

“Let’s have a quiet morning,” Scorpia suggested gently, which was as close as she would ever get to _please shut the hell up._ Phoebe sighed and sat to the side.

“I brought you coffee.”

Scorpia made a noise of acknowledgement. Phoebe frowned down at her, still unsettled by her conversation with Cat. How hard was it to be brave?

“Scorp?”

Scorpia opened her eyes, looking slightly more alert. “Phoebe.”

“I love you.”

There was a moment of near comical confusion, then Scorpia sat up very fast, hair tousled and eyes still tinged with delirium. She gave Phoebe an unusually bewildered frown. Phoebe tried her best not to laugh.

A silent beat later, Scorpia reached out and pulled her into a very intense, morning breath kiss. Phoebe didn’t even care, and after a few minutes all of it had been very much kissed away.

“I love you, too,” she said, almost as an afterthought, stroking Phoebe’s cheek. It was fantastic to hear, and to have it confirmed that they were alike enough to be able to say this so early in a relationship. “Don’cha know?”

“Oh, my _GOD,_ ” Phoebe groaned, falling back and covering her face with Scorpia’s pillow. “You – “

“Shh,” Scorpia said. Phoebe heard footsteps, then a door closing, then the shower start up. “Okay. We’ve got about ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes for – ?“ Phoebe cut off with a squeak as Scorpia picked up her leg and threw it over her shoulder, mouthing down the inside of her thigh. She kept the pillow pressed over her face, knowing full well the noises Scorpia’s tongue could pull out of her.

**********************

_Today 3:05 P.M._

_You better fess up. Right now._

_What?!_

_Adora told me about the hand on the knee._

_So?_

_So that’s your trademark! You_ literally _told me the other week that it always works. And now Catra is doing it???_

_What are you suggesting, Glimmer??_

_You know exactly what. You’re the puppetmaster._

_that’s a little harsh_

_But it’s true. You’re plotting things and I want in._

_…you do?_

_Yes! Of course I do! I’m tired of her moping around the apartment because Catra hasn’t texted her back. It's getting depressing._

_And I want to see her happy and stuff._

_I just didn’t think you liked Cat all that much…_

_I like her!_

_DOES EVERYONE THINK I DON’T LIKE HER?_

_You don’t talk to her!_

_What am I supposed to say?? Ugh. It’s a long story. Bow wants in, too, by the way._

**_Hey. I’m here._ **

_Yeah. I can see that, Bow. Just hold on. I’ll add Scorpia to this chat._


	10. too late to spare the love you have

Halloween was the best holiday. The most fun, outrageous, hormone filled night of the year and the closest any human could come to reaching the sublime. If you didn’t celebrate on Halloween, you might as well be dead.

At least, that’s how everyone acted when Catra said she didn’t want to go.

Melanie, who didn’t care about anything, moaned about it to Phoebe, who moaned about it to Catra. Scorpia was sad, which was harder to interpret. Catra was surprised and a tiny bit flattered that everyone would apparently miss her so much, but she’d definitely gotten all the dressing up and going out stuff out of her system the week before.

The thing was, _Adora_ had been disappointed, too. And that was unacceptable. So a compromise had been struck. Although it was one in the morning and Halloween was _over_ , Adora, Scorpia and Phoebe had come back to Salem after a night of barhopping to celebrate with Catra.

Celebrate seemed like a strong word for what they were doing. Adora was drunk and eating, and Phoebe was drunk and following Catra into bathrooms.

“You _can_ do it,” she insisted, the small room turning her voice hollow. “Just _hold her hand_. That’s nowhere near as much as what you did at the skating rink – “

“Can you get out?”

Phoebe’s eyes were kind of glazed over, which meant she was _really_ not going to listen. Too much alcohol. And her braids were frizzing out at the top of her head, like she was full of static electricity. Maybe she was. At least she’d changed out of her ridiculous costume.

“I’m just – _hic_ – telling you this is the – _hic_ – perfect time to – make your move – “

“Get _Out.”_

Catra shoved Phoebe into the hall and shut the door, resting her forehead against it and taking a deep breath.

It wasn’t regret that had her so anxious. She just wasn’t prepared to take on everyone’s high-strung energy. Adora especially. She was wearing the most immodest outfit Catra had ever seen in person, and doing a lot of bouncing around that made Catra feel strange and prickly.

On top of it all, she was plain exhausted. She never willingly stayed up so late. There was no energy reserve to worry about Phoebe’s plans or taking risks.

All she wanted was to sleep. Preferably next to Adora. Preferably without worrying if she was going to be thrown up on.

***************

Scorpia still had on her costume, a leather jacket and dark eyeliner and tall boots (really, did she _need_ to be taller?) making her look dangerous and mysterious. At least, she had at the Hadley. Now she was flipping tortillas with a smile. That was the thing about Scorpia, Adora thought. She was so _calm_.

“You’re really nice,” she said out loud. Scorpia shot her a look, then glanced around the room like she hadn’t been aware they were alone and wasn’t sure how to feel about it. “I’m really glad Phoebe met you.”

Scorpia smiled. “Me, too.”

“And…” Adora looked down into the bag of chips she had been slowly devouring. The soft sounds of frying butter filled the kitchen, nearly covering Catra yelling something in another room. “I’m glad _she_ met you.”

Scorpia didn’t slow down with the spatula, but a line formed between her dark eyebrows.

“You saved her life. And I – I – “ Adora shut her eyes. “I just wanted to say that I think you’re the bravest person alive. And that I’m so glad you were there that night.”

“She told you about that?” Scorpia asked sharply.

“Some.”

The careful calm façade trembled. Scorpia sighed and didn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t mean it to happen the way it did. I don’t like violence.”

Her eyes went dark for a second, faint disgust curling her lip. It occurred to Adora that that night had probably left scars on her, too.

“It sounds like you didn’t really have a choice."

“There’s always a choice.” Scorpia swished the pan, setting chicken and cheese on top of the tortilla with practiced movements. “But yeah. I thought she was a kid, you know? She was so small. And the whole situation just kind of made me…angry.”

She spoke the word with a hint of surprise. Adora didn’t guess Scorpia felt that way very often.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know.” Scorpia took a deep breath, and then it was like flipping a switch.

She looked completely normal, no trace of melancholy. Just as Phoebe skipped in.

“What’s that?” Phoebe asked, zeroing in on Adora’s solo cup. Adora just barely grabbed it and held it up in time. “Give me a sip!”

“It’s really good, is what it is. And you can’t have _any!”_

“ _Babe,”_ Phoebe whined, abandoning the fight with a big floppy twirl and wrapping her arms around Scorpia’s waist, hugging her from behind. “Can you make me something? And none of that beer.”

Scorpia struggled to slide the quesadilla off the pan while she was being mauled. “Yeah, give me a sec.”

“ _Now,”_ Phoebe whined, in drunken despair.

Adora pushed off the counter, wandering down the hall to the bathroom just as Catra was leaving it. The open door cast enough light into the hallway for Adora not to stumble.

“Hey, Adora,” Catra said, with enough of a smirk for Adora to suspect she might have stumbled a little. “Need some help, there?”

“Actually?” Adora slid past and set her cup down on the counter, turning her back to the door. “Can you unzip me?”

The catsuit was surprisingly comfortable, for something ordered last minute online. And Glimmer had made an awesome Catwoman mask that had, unfortunately, been lost sometime in the night. Adora looked _hot,_ and she’d almost hit it off with a short girl at the bar. But it turned out she was wearing a wig and her real hair was red.

Not that Adora would have pursued it otherwise. Or maybe she would have. It made her head hurt to think about it.

She wasn’t looking at the mirror, so the sudden touch to the back of her neck made her jump. Her hair was gently swept over one shoulder, and the skin all down her back bristled with goosebumps.

“Sorry,” Catra breathed.

Adora tried to laugh, to turn this into a joke. “Your hands are freezing.”

“And your back is…very muscular.”

“Not really." Adora swallowed her suddenly achingly dry throat. "Not like Scorpia.”

“Well, nobody’s like Scorpia.”

The zipper moved very slowly, Catra holding the fabric taut at the base of Adora’s neck. Each forced separation of the metal teeth sounded like fireworks. Cold metal dragged across her lower back before coming to a gentle stop above her tailbone. Her whole body ached to look to her right, to glance in the mirror and see Catra’s face.

Instead she closed her eyes, slowing her breathing and living in this moment as fully as she could. Milliseconds passed through her alert body like electric shocks, alcohol connecting the rest of her synapses with ill-advised speed that left her dizzy.

Then - and it was nothing, really - the ghost of a breath passed over her skin. Stretchy black fabric sagged forward over her shoulders, like Catra had let go. Adora had to slap a hand to her collarbone to keep the suit from falling down completely.

Catra’s hand returned without warning, fingertips pressing into her topmost vertebrae. Something snapped. Adora whirled around with a gasp, dragging air into her lungs and saying, “Catra – “

“Do you want your duffel bag so you can change?” Catra asked, standing much farther away than seemed possible. She didn’t look at all affected by what had just happened, which made Adora doubt _anything_ had happened. Had she _really_ been about to – ?

Catra laughed at whatever her expression was, shaking her head like Adora was just being silly. “I’ll go get it.”

A few seconds later, she reappeared. Adora was still frozen in shock, or fear response, or aneurism. All three seemed equally likely.

She took her bag and waited until Catra had shut the door to peel off the bodysuit and just stand there, looking at her naked body in the mirror.

That little scene was horribly dangerous. She needed to sober up, _now._

After a freezing cold shower and several gulps of tap water from the sink (she would only ever do such a thing at her own house, usually, but since Catra lived here she figured the faucet was decently descaled), she pulled her pajamas on and brushed her hair, trying desperately to banish the pink flush that hung on to her cheeks.

It was the goddamn hand on the thigh. Her brain had been scrambled all week. She could barely do her homework and keep up with the internship’s paperwork. Work she had _gladly_ taken on two months ago. 

Now it was difficult. Anything even tangentially related to a conversation she’d had with Catra turned her thoughts into daydreams. She ran across words that she only knew because Catra was so well read and dropped them into everyday conversation. Every text made her pulse leap because it _might_ be her.

There was really no hope of curbing it, though. This was just Adora’s life now. Advance, because she couldn’t seem to think rationally around Catra, and retreat, scrambling herself back together in the aftermath.

When she went back to the kitchen, it was Catra sitting on the counter. She was watching Phoebe and Scorpia bicker over whether or not the drink Scorpia mixed for her actually had any alcohol. She was laughing at them.

It was a soft laugh. And familiar. Like Catra had been laughing at them like that for a while, and would for a long time.

Adora stopped, struck by the sudden chill of being on the outside. She knew Catra had been spending a lot of time with Phoebe and Scorpia. She didn’t realize Catra was _happy_ about that. All Adora ever heard were the complaints, but that was clearly only half of it.

She wasn’t used to being outside of anything. Not with Glimmer and Bow and not with Catra. Despite the years long silence, every time Catra was there she was really _there._ They were inseparable. They were one body. One _mind_.

One mind. It wasn’t until Adora thought it that she realized it was no longer true. The separation had started back at the Church, when Adora started keeping the secret.

And now, in the darkness of the hall, she could see very clearly that if she had never looked back – never seen Catra in Salem or even just _ignored_ that she’d seen her – Catra could have been happy. She would have had this entire life that Adora wouldn’t have been a part of.

They texted every morning and said goodnight every night. It wasn't enough. Five years felt like everything and nothing…but it was still five years. The severed parts of them had grown anew, and it would never be the same. Not quite as simple, or as fulfilling.

Just as she was really getting bummed out, Catra looked over and saw her standing there. She waved Adora over, the meaning clear on her furrowed brow: _Stop being a wierdo._

Adora smiled nervously and joined them, taking a plate when Scorpia handed it over. The smell of chicken and cheese overpowered her worries, and for a few good minutes the four of them ate in blissful silence right there in the kitchen. It was the best thing she had _ever_ tasted.

After Adora had eaten her fill – and then the abandoned half of Catra’s – she collapsed onto the couch. Everything spun just a little, reminding her she wasn’t completely sober. She might have dozed off for a second or two.

“Wake _up_ ,” Phoebe goaded a second later, prodding her in the ribs. Adora snapped her eyes open – when had they gotten so heavy? – and sat up. “We haven’t even been home an hour yet. It’s Halloween!”

“I’m awake!” She blinked hard and sat up further to make sure her body got the message. No sleep on Halloween. “Where’s Catra – “

“Scorpia’s in the shower,” Phoebe said, batting her eyelashes and dropping to a whisper. “ _Catra’s_ washing dishes all al – _oh.”_

Adora shoved her aside, finding Catra in the kitchen and slotting in beside her at the limited sink space.

“Hey.”

Her sudden arrival knocked Catra’s right arm, sending a jolt of soap up toward their faces. She adjusted quickly, scrubbing the pan with short, sharp movements.

“Hey, Adora.”

Adora glanced at the cup Catra had been drinking out of, still mostly full. “You’re sober.”

Somewhere between an accusation and a realization. Adora wasn’t sure just what.

“I will be,” Catra said. “Just let me do this first.”

“I’ll help!”

Catra smacked her hand with the sponge. “You’re my guest. Go sit.”

“Your _guest_ ,” Adora repeated, raising her eyebrows. “I had no idea.”

That got a smile. Adora liked making her smile. She leaned in closer, letting her shoulder push into Catra’s. “If I sit down, I’ll fall asleep.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Adora leaned heavier. “Then I’ll be asleep. That’s no Halloween.”

Catra grumbled something under her breath, shrugging Adora away.

“I think that pan’s clean, now.”

“It’s – “ Catra started, then stopped, staring down into the suds. “It almost is.”

“You’ve been scrubbing it for ten minutes.”

Catra looked up, confused. “You said you did it, too.”

“Did what?”

“Cleaned with vinegar.”

Adora didn’t know what she was talking about – vinegar was for floors and windows, right? But there was an openness to her face that seemed new. 

“Why are you…smiling at me like that?” Catra asked, shifting uncomfortably. Adora handed her the washcloth folded over the faucet. She took it with a strange look on her face. “Thanks. Hey…”

“What?” Adora prodded, watching Catra’s hands deftly drying the pan.

“You should go…pick a movie.”

Adora stood up straight, disappointed. “Okay. What should I pick?”

“I don’t care.”

Adora perused the streaming channels, settling on _The Blair Witch Project,_ which Scorpia seconded. Catra finally finished up in the kitchen, sitting sideways in the window nook so she could see the TV. Sleepiness turned to rapt attention, trying to discern Catra’s expression by the shape of her cheek. Adora had been terrified by this movie when Bow first made her watch it.

Within the first half-hour, Catra stood and migrated over to the couch, shoving in next to Adora and jerking the blanket over her knees.

Adora was ridiculously pleased. Then she realized, somewhat retroactively, that this was what she had wanted all along. She’d suggested a scary movie for almost the express purpose of making Catra come closer.

So much for her decision. Not even sobering up could make her brain obey.

She shifted her weight, leaning an elbow against the arm of the couch. The next scare sent Catra under Adora’s arm, nestled in the crook of her shoulder. “I don’t like this movie,” she whispered.

Adora snorted, keeping her arm as far back on the couch as her muscles would allow. The more she touched Catra’s skin, the more her brain liked to torture her with the knowledge of what it felt like.

The next time something happened, Phoebe actually squeaked in fear. Adora and Scorpia shared a meaningful look over their heads.

At the next jumpscare, they both exclaimed and made lurching movements with their arms. Phoebe and Catra let out genuine screams of terror. Phoebe immediately hid her face in Scorpia’s neck, embarrassed.

That was cute. Adora got the shit beat out of her.

“Don’t – _ever –_ do that again!” Catra yelled, punctuating her words with punches to any part of Adora she could reach. “What is _wrong_ with you! We probably woke up the whole building!”

Adora could only use one arm to defend herself, but thankfully Phoebe stepped in when it went on too long.

“Stop! You’re killing her!”

“She deserves it!”

Adora finally pulled her arm free from behind Catra’s back, catching her wrists and pushing them away. Catra _harrumphed_ and crossed her arms, but laid her head on Adora’s shoulder once they were all paying attention to the movie again.

And later, as the film reached is climax, she reached out under the blanket and wrapped her hand around Adora’s. That was becoming normal, too. Adora’s heart rate almost didn’t react at all.

************************

The next thing she knew, the room was completely dark and something was pressing into her chest. She didn’t remember the movie ending, or laying down across the couch.

Catra was half on top of her and half slipping down into the back of the couch, the cushions askew from their impromptu slumber. Her arms were curled against her chest, and she was shivering. It was one of her elbows that hindered Adora’s breathing.

She felt around on the floor until she encountered the blanket, plush and warm. Catra relaxed when Adora pulled it over the both of them, but that only made it harder to draw air. Adora shifted down so her head was more supported by the pillow. That did the trick – the sharpness disappeared as Catra shifted along with her, unwinding one arm and gripping the fabric at Adora’s waist, pulling herself out of the cushion abyss.

Of course, that meant her mouth pressed into Adora’s collarbone, and her thigh pressed down between Adora’s. With a contented sigh, she went still.

Adora didn’t dare move again. She kept her hands to herself, balled into fists at her side and against Catra’s back. The smell of soap that wasn’t hers, the warm breath against her skin, the gentle, trusting weight across her torso. It tore her apart like nothing ever had.

She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. Adora couldn’t have all of Catra. She knew that.

But she could have this. Just for tonight.

*****************

“Everyone who commits has to go through Passage. So our theories were kind of right – forty days and forty nights of meditation and…solitude.”

They faced each other in the window nook the next morning, wrapped in blankets with their ankles interlocked. Scorpia and Phoebe had already left for the farmer’s market when they woke up, so it had turned into kind of a lazy day. A lazy, hungover day.

“Shadow Weaver would come to talk to me, and Pastor Martindale. We had these long…confessions? More like questioning, really.”

The laziness had turned a little less so. Because Catra had started talking. It seemed to take a lot out of her, because even though Catra hadn’t really been drinking the night before she looked exhausted.

“First was my nickname. Everyone knew you called me Catra, and that wasn’t going to be allowed. Not Catra, not Cat. I would be Sister Catrina, and nothing else. They kept making me say it. I _had_ to believe it, before I could move on to the next stage.”

She lapsed off, eyes going empty. Adora reached for her hand.

“After that was the questions. Hundreds of questions. They wanted to know any sin I had ever committed. _Anything_. So, stealing food, taking shortcuts in the cleaning, being bored during sermon. I had to admit to all of it. And they kept asking, like they _knew_ there was more. I ran out of things to tell them and I just wanted it to be _over…_ but then they started asking me things about you.”

Adora held her breath. Catra had taken her other hand, pulling them both to sit on her knees. Her thumbs rubbed over Adora’s knuckles soothingly. Not that Adora needed to be soothed.

“They wanted to know everything. Every secret we ever had, every whisper in the night. It was never about me, after all. I was just means to an end. They were mad that you weren’t there, and they were using me for answers. More than anything, they wanted to know…why.”

Her eyes, carefully mapping out her thumb’s path over Adora’s hand, flicked up once. Adora told herself it didn’t matter. What the Church knew or didn’t know was none of her concern.

“Adora,” Catra’s fingers tightened. She leaned forward, pinnign Adora with the full force of her luminous gaze. “I didn’t tell them _anything_ about you. I swear. Not a word.”

“Didn’t they punish you?” Adora asked, failing to understand her own relief. The Church couldn’t do anything about her being gay. It didn’t matter.

“It’s not important,” Catra said, after a hesitation. “I just stayed quiet. If was the last good thing I would ever do for you, then...” She laughed a little. “I wouldn’t have even admitted you had blonde hair, if they asked me.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. “

Catra gave her a challenging look. “Anyway, it didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?”

“The brainwashing. I mean, it got a lot more…involved, when I stopped answering questions. I still passed through. I was still considered cleansed. But…” She dropped her gaze again, embarrassed. “Inside, I was still Catra, you know? I always have been.”

Adora clenched her teeth together, willing back more questions about the punishments she must have received. That wasn’t constructive. “And I’ve always been your Dora.”

It was little more than a mutter. But Catra heard, and something happened. Her eyes went wide and stark. She gasped.

“You remember that?”

“Yeah.” Adora fought a blush, thinking of the shoebox in her closet. “Of course.”

“Adora.”

“W-what?” Adora asked, laughing nervously at her ferocity.

“Adora,” she said again, eyebrows twitching. “I love you.”

It was easy to smile, easy to ignore the subtle pang of agony in her stomach. “Aww, I love you, too, Catra.”

Catra’s brow wrinkled, her hands going even tighter. “No, not like tha – “

_Knock, knock._

Catra turned a vicious glare toward the door, ripping her hands out of Adora’s like they were doing something wrong.

“Is that Scorpia?” Adora asked, swiping her palms on her shorts.

Catra shook her head, crawling out of the nook. “I would have heard her coming.”

“Who else could it be?”

Catra paused, standing there and throwing weird, indecisive looks between the door and the nook. Adora took pity and got to her feet, going to open the door herself.

“ _Wait,”_ Catra hissed. Adora ignored her and pulled it open.

There was a girl on the other side. Very tall, was Adora’s first impression. And pretty. Maybe a little bit older than them.

“Hi,” the girl said uncertainly, waving one hand. “Are you Cat, by chance?”

Adora opened the door wider, stepping to the side. “No, I’m not. This is Cat.”

She reached behind herself where Catra was hiding, pulling her into view with some effort. Catra didn’t want to move.

The girl smiled, shifting her weight awkwardly. “Look, I’m sorry about this, but I was just having lunch with my grandmother and she insisted that I come up here and invite you to join us.”

Adora turned to stare at Catra. She did remember her saying something about befriending an old woman, but that had been forever ago.

“Sorry,” Catra said, and Adora was surprised to hear a note of formality. Politeness, even. “I can’t. I have company.”

“Just go,” Adora mouthed, shutting the door just a tad to add a sense of privacy.

“And leave you up here?”

“Dude, I’ll go back to sleep.”

Catra gave her a scandalized look. “I am not your _dude._ ”

“Um,” the girl said loudly. Adora pulled the door back open. “I think it’s fine if you come, too. There’s always too much to eat.”

Now Adora gave Catra a pleading look, wagging her eyebrows. Free food was free food.

“Sure,” Catra said, glaring. “I’ll just have to change, first.”

“Alright. I’ll…see you both down there. I’m Mara, by the way.”

She said this to Adora, who realized how rude she was being and released the door handle, holding out a hand. “Yeah, hi. I’m Adora.”

“Nice to meet you,” Mara smiled, giving her an enthusiastic shake. “And, Cat, I figure you know my grandmother pretty well by now. So I don’t need to apologize for anything she might say?”

“She’s not that bad,” Catra said, still staring at Adora.

*******************

She was bad. The moment Razz clapped eyes on Adora she stopped cold, giving Catra the most betrayed look she’d ever seen.

“Who is this?” She asked, pointing a wooden spoon toward Adora.

“This is Adora. My…friend.”

Her hesitation was as loud as a foghorn, at least to her. Razz clinked the spoon down in the pot and bounced over, wrapping both hands around one of Adora’s and shaking it up and down.

“Cat is very good to me, you know. Very good.” She shook Adora’s hand until her granddaughter cleared her throat. “I didn’t think she had any friends.”

“ _Nani,”_ the granddaughter hissed. Razz turned her attention to Catra, taking her by the arm.

“I thought I’d introduce you to my lovely granddaughter, Marali. Did you introduce yourself, _poti?”_

Mara flinched as Razz reached a yell. “Yes, _nani._ ”

“Good. Now, sit. Sit!”

She bustled back into the kitchen. Adora gave Catra a bewildered look as they all sat around the table. It wasn’t going well, Catra knew, but she was still a little crushed by having her first ever love confession thrown back in her face. She stared down at the polished wood digging her nails into the palms of her hands.

“It’s really nice of you to come and help out here,” Mara said.

“She pays me.”

“…Oh.”

Catra felt Adora’s puzzled gaze on her, and ignored it. “She’s never mentioned you,” she said, looking up. Beneath the table, Adora kicked her in the shin. “I mean – she just talks about her daughter.”

Mara nodded. “My mom. She’s driving in later tonight.”

“Oh? Are you from out of town?” Adora asked.

“Boston. I go to school there, and…”

They went on like that. Catra rubbed her probably bruised calf and wondered what the hell she was supposed to do now. She just told Adora point blank that she _loved_ her, and Adora had misunderstood. There was no way to channel that confidence twice in one day. One week. One month.

Maybe that was it, she thought with a weird calm. Maybe the opportunity had just raced past her and she’d never get it back.

I love you.

I love you…

I’m _in_ love with you? Would Adora have understood that better? In the movies people just went ahead and kissed each other. Catra couldn’t do that.

Lunch was tikka masala. Scorpia had made it before. It tasted much different here, though.

Since Razz had already exhausted all conversational options with Catra (and there weren’t many), she and Mara asked Adora a bunch of questions about her life. Which, granted, was a lot more interesting. And Adora thrived under the bright spotlight of small talk.

The food was too spicy, Catra decided. That’s what was wrong with it. She ate as much as she could before she had to stop, finishing off her water and glancing at Adora, who seemed fine. How was _she_ able to eat it?

As soon as it seemed like the right time, Catra offered to help with dishes. Razz said something about Mara pulling her weight for once, which made Mara roll her eyes and tell them both to get out of there while they still could.

“What did they mean about you helping out?” Adora asked as soon as they were in the foyer. Catra shook her head and bolted for the steps. “Do you cook for her? _Can_ you cook?”

“Shut _up_ , Adora,” she begged, rushing to the fridge. “My mouth is on fire.”

She poured a glass of milk, chugging it down as fast as she could. It took the edge off, but not by much. She held out the carton.

“It wasn’t that spicy,” Adora said. Catra jerked the carton back and poured more.

“How can you say that?”

“Glimmer’s family is Thai, and their food is spicy as hell. You get used to it.”

After the third glass, the burning was manageable. Adora raised an eyebrow.

“I work for her, okay?”

“Doing what?”

“I clean. I’m like her maid or whatever. Every Wednesday I go down – “

Adora made a noise, uncrossing her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t I _tell_ you?” Catra laughed. “Oh, please.”

“What?” Adora demanded.

“Nothing.”

“No, what?” She said, following Catra into her bedroom.

“Like being a maid is so glamorous.” Catra stood at the closet and ripped her jeans off, throwing them into the hamper and putting her sweatpants back on. “Anyone could do it – “

She turned, finding Adora inches away from her.

“You need to have more pride in yourself.”

Catra tried to glare, backing up and running into the door jamb. At least Adora didn’t come any closer.

“You’re so reluctant to tell me things, but I’ve _been_ there,” Adora said. “Exactly where you are. And I know that your first job is a big deal. You should be _proud_.”

“Yeah,” Catra breathed, looking anywhere other than her wide blue eyes. “I am.”

Adora sighed. “I was gutting fish. _Fish guts_ , Catra. All over my hands – the smell seeped into my _skin_. Honestly, I would have killed to be someone’s maid. I was still proud of myself, though, because it was something.”

“I hate it when you talk down to me.”

Catra didn’t mean to say it. Or, she didn’t mean to say it like _that_.

Adora’s nostrils flared and her eyes went dark. “Not everyone is against you all the time, you know. All any of us want is to support you. You don’t have to constantly push back at the first sign of – “

“ _Okay_ , Adora,” Catra said, exasperated. “I get it.”

“Do you? Because it really sucks to watch you put yourself down all the time.”

Catra met her eyes, and then regretted it. All her resolve crumbled into dust. “Okay,” she said, more quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Adora said, though she looked satisfied. Catra stayed pressed against the wall while she sat on the bed and kicked off her shoes. “I did the same thing, kind of. And I just ended up really angry all the time. It was exhausting.”

Adora picked at the hem of the shirt she’d borrowed from Catra. A flowy blue thing that always hung off of Catra’s shoulders but looked perfect on her. After a few seconds of silence, Catra joined her. Their thighs touched.

“I’ll try to be better.”

“It’s not…It’s fine.” Adora still picked at the shirt, still frowned. Catra slipped her fingers in against hers so she’d stop. It was getting dangerously easy to do that, and she was getting dangerously used to the way Adora readily flipped their hands over, tightening her grip. “ _You’re_ fine. I’m sorry if it seems l like I’m talking down to you, but if you aren’t going to be happy for yourself, then I will.”

“Thank you,” Catra whispered, setting her head on Adora’s shoulder. She knew they were both looking at their entwined hands.

“Money freaks me out,” she said, trying to change the subject. “I don’t know what to do with it.”

“I didn’t, either,” Adora chuckled unhappily. “I kept it under my mattress at the halfway home. Once, I had like a two hundred saved. Someone robbed me.”

“No.”

“Yeah. I was pretty devastated. Just started keeping it in my pockets, which was probably dangerous.”

“Was that the only time?”

“Yeah. Glimmer’s parents opened me a bank account once she told them what happened. And by the time I moved in with them, I didn’t really need to spend it so I worked as much as possible and saved up. Then I got some pretty kick-ass scholarships so I don’t really have to worry about it right now.” She rested her cheek against Catra’s head. “Everything works out in the end, if you have enough people to help. And you have that.”

While she talked, she turned Catra’s hand over, spreading her fingers out and stroking a thumb over her palm. Catra’s whole being sank into that point of contact, the gentle drag of Adora’s finger over shockingly sensitive skin. She had no idea hands could feel like that, could make _her_ feel like that.

“I love you, Adora,” she said again. And again, she knew Adora heard a very different _I love you._ One that Catra would have said before, when they were kids. It _was_ love, it had always been love, but now it was different and it seemed insane that Adora couldn’t _hear_ it.

There was a knock on the door before she could answer.

“Be nice,” Adora whispered as Catra jumped up and stomped toward the door.

It was Mara again.

“What?” Catra said flatly.

Mara looked her up and down, a displeased frown replacing her former awkwardness. “Yeah, nice to see you, too. I want to give you my phone number.”

Catra balked. “ _What?”_

“My grandmother really seems to like you, um, for some reason, and I just…would feel better if you had my number in case something happened.”

“What’s gonna happen?”

“Hopefully nothing. But I’m sure you’ve noticed she’s – “ She pursed her lips, tilting her head side to side. “You know. And I don’t think she would call me or my mom if she needed to, but she might talk to you, or you might notice something. So if you could maybe keep an eye on her…?”

She handed Catra a post it note with a bunch of numbers scrawled across. “For emergencies.”

Catra stared at the numbers, then at the girl’s face. “You said you lived in Boston.”

Her eyes narrowed. “And?”

“So, what would you even do? If I called you. That’s so far.”

She could practically feel Adora’s disapproval oozing toward her. Mara, too, looked annoyed.

“I would come here. To help.”

“Oh…kay.”

Mara exhaled. “Glad we got that settled. Bye.”

“Bye,” Catra said, already closing the door. She looked at the numbers for a long moment, then up at Adora’s glare.

“Why were you so mean to her?”

Catra shrugged, holding up the post it as she realized something. “I’m about to have _five_ contacts in my phone!”

************

The weeks were getting longer, and a lot more tedious. Not even the onslaught of November coursework could make Adora stop counting the minutes until it was the weekend again. They didn’t even have concrete plans yet, but she knew she’d be seeing Catra. At some point it had just become a given that weekends were _their_ time.

Which, in hindsight, was a huge mistake. Adora took small comfort in knowing she wouldn’t have changed anything, even if she saw the pain coming.

The pain, and the loneliness at night. And the Glimmer, interrupting her painful, lonely night crying by knocking on the door.

Adora sniffed and sat up, flicking her lamp on. “What?”

“Open the door,” Glimmer said, softly.

Adora almost refused, but that would be a little more pathetic than she was ready for. She didn’t bother cleaning her face up, just padded over and unlocked the door.

“It’s your music,” she said, yawning. “I can hear it in my room.”

“Sorry.” Adora turned the dial on her speaker down on the way back into bed.

Glimmer stood there, frowning. “This is your sad playlist.”

“I don’t have a – “

“This is the saddest song I’ve _ever_ heard,” Glimmer said, a little angrily. “Is this Big Thief?”

“…yeah.”

“Adora,” she berated, pausing it before forcing Adora back toward the wall and falling back on her now-empty pillow. “Talk to me.”

“You already know.”

“Get it out of your system.”

“That’s what I’m doing, Glim,” Adora sniffed. “I don’t want an audience.”

Glimmer was quiet, fussing around with Adora’s phone until she found something else to play over the speaker. Some k-pop crap.

“Is there a reason you don’t bring her over here?”

Adora wasn’t expecting that question. “She’s been here.”

“Once! Did she not like us or something?”

“Honestly, I haven’t even thought about it. I just go there because it’s less of a trip.”

Glimmer made a nasal sound. “I just feel like everyone has made some kind of profound connection with her except for me.”

Adora sat up on an elbow, forgetting her self-pity for a second. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah. Bow’s all excited about some deep conversation they had at the skating rink. Phoebe’s almost as obsessed with her as you are. Melanie _painted_ her – “

“Wh – Melanie? When did that happen?”

Glimmer shrugged. “I don’t know. Her and Santiago went over there for a double date or something with Phoebe and Scorpia.”

Adora sagged. Catra hadn’t mentioned it at all. She got the strange, dizzying sensation again as Catra’s life became further separated from hers.

She had to see that painting.

“And she’s important to you,” Glimmer said. “I’m not trying to make any _comments_ about anything – God forbid,“ she added scathingly. Adora snorted. “ _But._ If she’s…a sister, a friend, a whatever…then I wanna be close to her, too. I don’t want it to be, like, a thing where you feel like I don’t want her here because of what I said.”

It wasn’t nearly as conscious a decision as Glimmer was implying, but Adora thought she might be a little right. She had been creating a distance without realizing it since that night they babysat.

“I think I can explain,” she ventured.

Glimmer turned to her side, listening.

“For most of my life, she was always there. It was Adora and Catra _alllll_ the time. Then everything changed, and it was me and you. And Bow. Just…two completely different lives, if that makes sense.”

“There’s not enough room for both of us?” Glimmer accused.

“No!” Adora swallowed. “Maybe. I don’t know how. It’s all been happening so fast, and it’s really intense, and I keep getting confused.”

“What is there to be confused about?”

 _Oops._ Adora closed her mouth, hopefully forever.

Glimmer prodded her. “Explain, or I turn the music up.”

“Jesus, okay.” It was going to sound really stupid and sad out loud. She braced herself. “Recently, she’s been really…physical?”

“Physical?”

“I know you already like to make fun of us for it, but…”

She had never thought of Catra in a sexual way. In the Church, she hadn’t had a sexual bone in her body. The attraction was all innocence; she liked brushing out Catra’s hair, and holding her hand, and the softness of her mouth when she wasn’t glowering or pouting over something. Her voice, and what she said with it.

Adora was always aware that she liked those things more than she should, and that she could never say them out loud or think too hard about why she felt that way.

Then came college, and freedom and like-minded people her age. It’s probably what most people did at that age – she tried out monogamy and intimacy with another person. She found the touching part a lot simpler and more enjoyable than the emotional parts.

So that’s what she sought out. Her body wasn’t just a house she lived in anymore. It was something that other girls looked at and wanted to touch. That made her feel powerful, in a way. And justified. She could have sex with someone and walk away, neither of them getting their feelings hurt or asking too many questions.

Sex was a normal part of her life. It was a gradual acclimatizing, but she could treat it like anything else now.

All that happened while Catra was firmly _not_ a part of her life. Now here she was, constantly pressing the thin barrier of their skin together, constantly _touching_ and _breathing_ and _being_. Touching her thigh, her sleeping lips kissing Adora’s throat, saying _I love you’s_ that Adora couldn’t answer truthfully.

Certain things had skipped across the divide that she didn’t expect to translate so easily. Her heart had always wanted Catra, but now her body wanted her, too. As badly as it ever wanted the rest. And she couldn’t keep the emotions away, either. There was no way to stunt a relationship that was already there.

Her libido, frankly, was begging to find out how that would change things.

“Adora?” Glimmer asked, her cold hand wiping a tear from her cheek.

Adora sucked in a breath, forced back into the present. “I don’t bring her here because I don’t want you to see how stupid I’m being.”

“I don’t think that!” Glimmer was quick to say. “I never said I thought it was stupid.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“The only thing that’s stupid is – “ Glimmer cut herself off abruptly, stammering. “M-Me. I’m stupid.”

“Why?”

“It’s just hard for me to…“ She sighed, irritated. “I feel so left out of everything.”

Adora breathed a laugh. “Left out? You’re the _only_ person I’ve talked about this with.”

“Hm. That’s fair, I guess.”

Adora sniffed, trying to draw this to a close. She had to be up early. “Look…I’ll ask if she wants to come over here this weekend. Or next. I’m really behind on studying, though, so no promises.”

“This weekend?” Glimmer said, only half listening. “Okay! We can do board games again, or go out and – well, she’s not crazy about going out. Um…”

“She likes movies,” Adora whispered.

“What kind?”

“Any. Just not too scary,” she added.

“Perfect. I’ll pick the movies then, and get the alcohol.”

“Sounds great,” Adora croaked. “Can I go to sleep, now?”

“Okay.” Glimmer pecked her on the top of the head. “Did I help?”

“You did.”

Glimmer clicked her lamp off for her and shut the door softly on the way out. Adora put in her headphones and rolled onto her stomach, Big Thief singing her to sleep.

****************

Catra usually opened the windows while she cleaned, to let the fumes out and try to dispel the smell left behind by cooking so much Indian food. She did the same whenever Scorpia cooked anything, because something about strong scents in an enclosed space made her feel sick.

Sometimes Razz would sit inside and sew, or sit on the porch. Those were both much better than the time she followed behind Catra and criticized everything she did. Catra had ignored her that day.

While the floor dried from mopping, Catra leaned out the kitchen window on her elbows, watching Razz crochet on the porch swing.

“Mara asked me to keep an eye on you. Did you know that?”

Razz wasn’t startled in the least by Catra's sudden voice. “Did she?”

“Yeah. She gave me her number and said I should call her if anything happens.”

Razz made a thoughtful sound. “Doesn’t seem like any of my business.”

Catra ignored an itch on her arm, keeping her cleaning gloves firmly away from her skin. “I just thought you should know. I wouldn’t like it, if I were you.”

“Ah, let them worry. They think I’m senile, and Helen wanted me to move to Boston years ago.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Have you been to Boston, dearie?”

“No."

“It’s quite horrible.”

Catra stayed still, watching the edge of the porch. She swore she just saw the cat’s tail swishing, but maybe it was a squirrel or something. She’d leave food out tonight, just in case. “So you want me to delete her number?”

 _Mara_ looked very strange between Evelyn and Phoebe on her list of contacts. It seemed unlikely she would ever use it.

“Of course not,” Razz snapped. “You may need it. I’m crazy.”

Catra started to pull her head inside, but Razz stopped her with a clicking noise, snapping her fingers. “What?” 

“That friend of yours. Adara.”

“Adora,” Catra corrected.

“She’s very pretty.”

Catra braced one hand on the window pane, already in the process of closing it. Then she thought better of it, trying desperately to have some pride in herself.

"Yes," she said, sticking her head back out. "She's beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter took forever to get up but I just got a job and stuff. The silver lining of quarantine was literally spending all day writing but now I'm down to a few hours an afternoon :/
> 
> If you need something to tide you over before next weekend...I made a playlist for this fic that's basically everything Adora would be listening to on lonely nights. As always, thanks for all the love guys <3
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4qhkaIww611AehQlFkEXEF?si=vRtyMf_ES7aCs9s2rl6GAQ


	11. Sleepover

“Now, we just massage the mask into the scalp,” Bow narrated, running his fingers through Catra’s damp hair. His tongue stuck out in concentration.

Adora sat cross-legged on the countertop, watching raptly as he led Catra through what he called a deep condition. He pulled in the fancy sling-chair from Glimmer’s room – the one Adora couldn’t even attempt to sit in without her ass slamming straight into the ground. Catra made sitting over the elastic straps look easy. Her head bent backward over the sink, hands clenched together in her lap. Her nose wrinkled every time a stray water droplet landed on her face. There was one just under her eye that Adora longed to swipe away.

The moisturizer Bow had concocted looked like chalky mayonnaise and despite how it smelled of lavender and almonds, Adora was glad it wasn’t her hair being caked in it. Catra had seemed excited to come over, and their hour in the car after Adora picked her up had passed in the blink of an eye. Catra wore her sunglasses and they talked over the wind.

Now Bow was massaging her scalp. Adora snickered, earning a blue-eyed glare as Catra cracked an eye open. “It looks ridiculous, doesn’t it?”

“No!” Adora assured her. “Not at all.”

“It feels like it does.”

Her eyes were closed again. Adora’s hand was halfway between them before she thought to pull it back. Bow raised an eyebrow at her, making her blush.

Catra had always hated it when Adora tickled the skin beneath her jaw. She hated it, but it was always the surest way to make her laugh. She had forgotten about that until right now.

“Next,” Bow said, rinsing his hands off. “We apply heat. Put this on your head.”

Catra opened her eyes, turning her head a little. “That is a grocery bag.”

“Yeah!” Bow reached around Adora to plug in the hairdryer. “It can’t be direct heat, or you’ll lose all the moisture we’re trying to keep.”

She sat up carefully, taking the bag from him and very much not looking at Adora while she wrapped it over her head. “Okay. I’m wearing the trashbag.”

“Grocery bag. And good.” Bow did something with his thumbs to tuck the remaining plastic up under itself. “This’ll take a while, Adora.”

“Okay.” She hopped off the counter, pretending she didn’t feel Catra’s hand brush her knee as she did. “Have fun.”

The blaring hum of the dryer started up as Adora walked downstairs. Glimmer had been down here on her own for a bit, and when Adora saw what she had been doing she laughed out loud.

“Oh, my God.”

“What?” Glimmer asked defensively, on her hands and knees at the center of the massive collection of pillows and cushions she had turned into a six-by-six mattress. She was trying to corral it all together under a big winter blanket. “You love Pillow Ocean.”

“We haven’t done Pillow Ocean in years.”

Glimmer rolled onto her back, swiping the back of her hand over her forehead. “I wanted to add Catra to the tradition.”

Tradition. That was what they had called it five years ago, the first time Bow had slept over after Adora moved in. They used to do it when they were kids, Glimmer told her. Make a giant ocean of pillows in front of the bonus room television and watch movies until their eyes glazed over and everything was funny.

“This will be terrible on our backs,” she said, swallowing against the tightness in her throat.

Glimmer noticed, because of course she did. “Remember when Aunt Cass stayed that one Christmas? And her, and us, and my parents all fell asleep watching _Home Alone?”_

Adora remembered very well. That was her second Christmas with them.

She glanced upstairs, hearing the hairdryer still going and Bow singing something. The pillow ocean sank and caved against her knees as she crossed it, flopping next to Glimmer. The pillows at her parents’ house were softer and more numerous, but this would do.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

Adora gave her a look. “Trying so hard.”

“Hmmm,” Glimmer said. “You’re right. I should be a worse sister.”

“Whatever,” Adora snorted. “Weirdo. Did you get alcohol?”

“Wine.”

“ _Wine?_ I told you vodka.”

“Did you?”

Adora sat up. “Yeah, like five times. I can’t drink _wine_ tonight.”

“Why not?”

Adora really preferred to mix liquor with, like, orange juice or something. It was a very different type of buzz than wine, which was…intense. It made her a little too loose.

“Well,” Glimmer said, unrepentant, “I got red _and_ white, so you can pick your poison. I also got popcorn. Which I need to start on.”

She plodded to the edge of the ocean and ran off to the kitchen. Adora found the remote and looked through their options. Nothing looked good.

“Glim,” she said, when the microwave started on a fourth bag of popcorn. It was building up in a massive bowl Adora didn’t even know they had. She stood at the counter and watched Glimmer pour melted butter all over it in a really frantic, determined, high-energy way. “Just…bring it down a notch?”

“What?” Glimmer shoved what remained of the stick of butter into the fridge and slammed it closed. “I didn’t do anything yet!”

“If you come on super strong, it’s only gonna push her away. She’s…skittish.”

Glimmer whispered something that sounded a lot like “you _come on super strong”,_ trying to open the fridge again. But it had been closed too recently, and stuck shut. She yanked on it twice before giving up.

Adora stared at her.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll take it down.”

“Maybe two notches.”

“That might be possible, but I don’t have any weed.” She turned to the cabinet at took down four glasses. Adora sighed and pulled the fridge open, handing over the wine bottles. One was dry, which Catra would hate. That meant all three of them would finish off the prosecco and Adora would have an entire bottle to herself. That wasn’t going to end well.

It wasn’t until Bow called out her name that Adora noticed the dryer had cut off. She and Glimmer ran upstairs together, shoving each other and giggling.

When they got to the open bathroom door, Adora stopped so suddenly Glimmer rammed into her back. She almost spilled wine all over the place.

The hair mask had been rinsed out. But it wasn’t Catra’s hair – it wasn’t the cloudy mass of shape that Adora had spent so much of her life taking care of. It wasn’t even the shorter, fluffier version that she’d been getting used to the past month. Whatever Bow did had turned it into sleek, shiny, perfect brown coils. They were tighter to her head, which was a change that created other changes. The curve of her chin was more pronounced, cheekbones more defined. The way light hit her skin made it warmer and more alluring. Catra looked…younger. But also older. It pulled everything together, drawing new attention to the beauty she had always possessed.

“How does it look?” She asked nervously, still facing away from the mirror, watching Adora’s reaction with such open vulnerability it made her heart miss a beat. “Any different?”

She was hoping, Adora realized.

It was an automatic response to check herself before she opened her mouth. What little wine she’d consumed was making her a little more poetic than usual, and she was going to make herself really obvious if she wasn’t careful. But she couldn’t just say _fine_. There had to be some middle ground.

Bow saved her, pulling the towel from around Catra’s shoulders. “Look for yourself.”

Catra took her eyes from Adora’s face, pushing up from her chair and turning toward her reflection.

Her lips parted in a gasp, eyes locked on her head like she was seeing herself for the first time. For a second, she looked like she was in some kind of pain. Bow pressed his fingers to his mouth and looked on the verge of tears. Glimmer was very quiet, her hand fisting into the back of Adora’s sweater.

Slowly, Catra raised a hand to her head, pulling one of the curls there straight and letting it snap back into place. Then she dug her fingers in and pulled them all the way through. The curls shook and bounced, catching the light a hundred different ways.

“Oh,” she said.

Bow bit his lip. “What do you think?”

Catra repeated the motion, this time with both hands, mouth opening further. “I – I don’t – “

She turned and hugged Bow. A full body, jump start of a hug. His face broke into a surprised smile, hugging her so hard her feet lifted from the ground.

“Feel it, Adora,” she said, spinning away from him and striding over. She took Adora’s free hand and pulled it up to the top of her head. Adora held her breath, letting her fingers fall into the downy-soft strands, stroking back once before pulling her hand back. "It's _soft!"_

“It is soft.”

Catra tilted her head up, an exhilarated smile on her face. “Imagine if it was longer! I might have never cut it off if I knew…” She trailed off, her smile faltering.

“You can keep all this stuff,” Bow said, gathering all the hair supplies at the center of the counter. “Or go buy your own. Wait! I have a satin pillowcase here I never opened.”

He ducked past them and ran off.

“It looks amazing,” Glimmer said. Catra looked at her over Adora’s shoulder.

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?”

Adora nodded. “It really does.”

“Here,” Bow said, handing over a pillowcase, still in its wrapper. “Make sure you use this every night, or get a head wrap or something.”

“Why?”

“Cotton is really bad for your hair. That goes for everyone, but especially hair like ours.”

Catra examined it, and when she looked up she seemed nervous. “Thank you,” she said. “Adora? Can I…?”

“S-Sure!” Adora said, backing up and opening her bedroom door. “Just switch out the one on the left. You can take it downstairs.”

Catra hopped onto the bed, stripping the pillow of its sleeve and replacing it with the satin one.

“I’ll be downstairs,” Adora said, and escaped. Bow wagged his eyebrows at her.

************************************

Catra stood at Adora’s closet for a few moments, taking time to adjust to this. Her hair was _so_ different now. And all it took was…

When she first cut her hair – or rather, let Scorpia cut it – she thought she would like it more. All that changed was that she was less irritated by it. She’d never looked at her reflection and _liked_ it. Not like this.

She was almost self-conscious, now. Adora, Bow and Sparkles were downstairs laughing about something. Not about her, she knew, but now she was worried her reaction had made her look stupid. It was kind of pathetic to be so excited about hair, right? Adora hadn’t even reacted all that much…

When she had been up there too long, she took a deep breath and went to join them.

Something had happened. The living room was literally full of pillows. There was nowhere to walk without stepping on one.

“Lord of the Rings!” Bow was saying in the kitchen.

“ _No,_ ” Sparkles moaned. “Never again.”

“Why not? Just because _you_ don’t like it – Hey!”

“Hey,” Catra said. Adora had been frowning into her glass, but now she smiled and held one out for Catra. One with a clear, bubbly liquid inside. The same as Sparkles.

“What is this?” She asked, instinctively pressing into Adora’s side to escape Bow and Sparkles’ combined gaze. The first sip burned all the way down her throat. She coughed.

Adora stepped away from her, which wasn’t fun. “It’s prosecco. You like it?”

Catra shrugged. “It’s fine. What happened to your living room?”

Sparkles clapped her hands together. “Pillow Ocean!”

There was a silence after she said that, where Catra was probably supposed to say something. Bow’s cheeks puffed out with laughter and he had to look away.

Adora actually did laugh, and now Catra was sure it was directed at her. “What?” She asked.

“Just…come on.” She took Catra’s hand and led her toward the field of pillows. “This is what we used to do at sleepovers. We call it Pillow Ocean.”

“Oh. We’re gonna sleep on the floor?”

“We don’t have to,” Adora set her glass on the coffee table, which had been pushed all the way to the window. Bow turned and fell backward onto it, arms and legs splayed wide.

“Pillow Ocean!”

Catra wished they would stop saying it. She let Adora take her glass, and then there was a strong hand around her wrist. Bow jerked her face-first onto the floor. She squeaked and braced for pain, but there were a _lot_ of pillows. It was basically a mattress. When she finally righted herself and sat up, everyone was _looking_ at her again.

“Pillow…Ocean,” she said. Glimmer clapped again and Bow made a cheering sound. In spite of herself, Catra had to laugh. They were ridiculous – _these_ were the people Adora had spent the last five years with?

There was a disturbance in the pillows behind her. Adora had joined them, reclining back against the higher ridge of pillows stacked at the base of the couch. Her sweatshirt was almost the same color as the blanket she pulled over herself, and Catra had a moment of…out of bodiness. This was so much like one of the stupid, nonsensical sleepover movies she’d watched over and over that it didn’t feel real.

She leaned back next to Adora, Bow’s head near her knees. He held one hand back and made a grabbing motion. Adora put the remote control into it. He started rapid flipping through categories on Netflix.

Scorpia would love this, Catra thought. But maybe this was something everyone did, so Scorpia had done it before? While Catra had slept on a hard mattress every night, with blankets that weren’t nearly warm enough, people like Bow and Glimmer had been having pillow fights and ordering pizzas and probably kissing each other.

They didn’t really act like a couple. Not like Phoebe and Scorpia. If Catra didn’t know they were dating she might not have guessed. Glimmer turned some of the lights out and brought over a massive bowl of popcorn, situating herself at the other end of Pillow Ocean and throwing her legs over Bow’s waist. He tickled her feet and she kicked him. They acted like friends more than anything, which was something Catra puzzled over. _Did_ they kiss? Did they have sex? Were there certain things that dating required, or was it just whatever they wanted it to be?

“Catra,” Glimmer said. Catra flinched. She didn’t like it when Sparkles called her that. “We need your input.”

There had been a conversation going on without her. She looked at the screen, where Bow had stopped over something called _Aladdin._

“Looks good.”

“It’s a musical,” Adora said lowly. Catra looked up at her. “I mean…you’ll have to hear us sing. Glimmer’s not nearly as good as I am.”

“Screw. _You.”_ Glimmer threw a piece of popcorn their way. Adora ate it. “I was in _championship choir_ four years in a _row_.”

“We’ll see,” Adora said mysteriously, then her elbow bumped Catra’s. “You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” Catra leaned way over her to fetch her glass, feeling Adora’s breath against her cheek. “Sing away.”

She got more than she bargained for. It was another one of those ‘ _everyone_ knows it’ kind of things that she couldn’t be a part of. Something about a genie and a lamp, but she could only hear Adora’s singsong and their short, distracted conversations whenever the characters on screen weren’t singing.

“You’ve gotta watch _All Dogs go to Heaven_ ,” Bow said to her. Glimmer scoffed loudly.

“No, first has to be _The Little Mermaid._ Every girl has to see it at least _once –_ “

“I liked the one about Danny Devito,” Adora said. Bow sat up to give her an uncomprehending frown. “You know…oh, he was a little orange man. Come _on_ , Glimmer, we saw it together!”

“You’re drunk.”

Adora lunged forward challengingly, planting one hand over Catra’s knee. “I’m _not_ drunk. He was a little orange man!”

Bow was laughing very hard. Catra smiled just watching him. Adora gave her a betrayed glare, swiveling so she was on her knees, leaning into what Catra might have called her personal space, if it was anyone else.

“I’m not drunk, Catra. Little orange man! _Little orange man.”_

She shook Catra by the shoulders, which made her laugh even harder than Bow and make weak attempts to push her away. “Don’t yell at _me!_ I have no clue what you’re talking about!”

“Wait!” Bow yelled, eyes bulging. “Are you talking about _The Lorax?”_

“Yes!” Adora said, tapping her nose. Bow fell forward, laughing so hard there was no sound, just wheezing. Glimmer clutched her stomach, making weird snorting noises. Adora’s cheeks were pink with embarrassment. “How am I supposed to remember that? It’s not even a word!”

Glimmer and Bow didn’t come out of their hysterics for quite some time. Adora turned to Catra with a deadpan, resigned expression.

“ _Et tu,_ Catra?”

Catra stifled her giggles against Adora’s shoulder. “Now I just wanna know what a Lorax is.”

“That can be arranged!” Bow yelled, digging through their blankets for the remote.

“No, Bow,” Glimmer complained. “I hate that movie! It’s sad!”

He held his hand out, silencing her complaints. “It’s a Danny Devito movie, Glim, by definition it _can't_ be sad.”

She sighed and got to her feet. “Refills, anyone?”

Adora didn’t want any more, so Catra also refrained. Bow bundled himself up and started another animated movie. Catra also pulled more covers around herself, shivering. Adora put an arm around her.

Glimmer seemed really uninterested in this movie. She sat at the end of Pillow Ocean with a sketchbook, hunched over it for almost an hour. The movie had some music, too, but not very much. Catra thought it was too ridiculous to be sad, and she was too comfortable to care either way. The pillows sucked her down into Adora’s armpit, her nose pressed against her side.

*****************

The next day was a quiet one. They had ended up sleeping in the living room, but Adora wasn’t sure it had made any difference. Catra’s face had been flush against her breast all night, which was distracting. Her leg had been draped over Adora’s, which was also distracting. Adora turned onto her side to try and escape, but then Catra had big-spooned her back into a heated frustration.

Adora had warned her that she was going to have to do a lot of homework this weekend. It might have made more sense to not hang out at all, but that was honestly unthinkable. Everything would have been so much more boring if Catra wasn’t lounging about on her bed with a book while she scribbled notes at her desk.

She glanced up every time Catra turned a page, or shifted her position, or breathed. More often or not her fingers would be toying with one of the short curls behind her ear, twisting and pulling. Adora’s brain scrambled when she looked at that for too long.

It happened again as Catra shuffled down further in the bed, laying her book face down on her chest and closing her eyes. Adora tapped her pen against the desk.

“Are you going to sleep?”

“No. Just thinking.”

“Are you thinking that you regret coming over here because I’m so boring?”

“No,” Catra smiled. “Just…thinking.”

Adora waited. Eventually Catra cracked open one eye and saw her watching. “It’s dumb.”

“No, it’s not.”

“You don’t even know what – “ Catra took a breath, giving Adora a calculating look. “How many times did I get punished for my hair not being regulation?”

Adora winced.

“Yeah. Hundreds.” She looked back up at the ceiling. “It was always me.”

That was true. While Catra definitely acted out every now and then, plenty of her punishments were unearned. Any misstep was met with reprimand…things that would have gone ignored if it were Adora messing up. Being late, below-par cleaning, moving too much during prayer. Not all the punishments were bad, when they were young. As they grew older…

“I guess we can add racism to the list,” Adora muttered.

Catra furrowed her brows. “What?”

“Think about it.” She shifted to sit on the bed. “It was always you. More than anyone. But what made you different besides…? I mean, most of the kids were white, but not all of them. Beth, Maria, Caitlin. But they weren’t…whatever you are.”

“No,” Catra said tonelessly. “No, I mean…I was disobedient.”

“So was I.”

“ _No,”_ Catra snapped _. “_ You were perfect Adora. Everybody loved you.”

Adora rolled her eyes. “My point _is_ …the only real difference in the way the nuns treated us was…appearance.”

Catra’s frown turned a little desperate. “That wouldn’t be fair.”

Adora regretted bringing this up. The Church hadn’t taught them about things like racism, or colorism or what-have-you. She’d learned all of it from Glimmer and Bow. Like so many other things. And it had blown her mind, made her appreciate and understand all the benefits she got from the world just because of the color of her skin. And it had made her think about a lot of the Church’s inner workings.

“All I’m trying to say is that it wasn’t your fault. The adults that took care of us should have treated you better.”

_I should have treated you better._

Catra tugged on that one curl again. “That goes without saying.”

She smiled, just a tiny, sardonic twist of her lips. Adora smiled back and gave her pillow a longing look before turning back to her notes. A nap didn’t sound half-bad.

*******************

After Adora had done an appropriate amount of studying, they went for a walk around the block. Glimmer and Bow were gone, the Pillow Ocean had been cleaned up sometime throughout the day, and they weren’t answering their phones. Kyle’s parents had a hot tub and horrible reception, so Adora guessed they were there.

It was brisk outside, at first, and then became colder the farther they walked. Catra had two sweaters and a coat zipped to her chin, but she was shivering in that delicate, baby-bird way of hers. Adora cut the walk short out of pity.

“Coffee?” She asked, shutting out the cold and locking the door. Catra pulled her hood down, shaking her head. “Hot chocolate?”

“No, thanks.”

“Tea? Apple juice? Water?”

Catra gave her a strange look. “I’m fine.”

“Hot chocolate it is.”

Catra followed her into the kitchen, arms crossed tightly over her stomach. “Is Sparkles coming back?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

“What are we going to do tonight?”

“Ummm…” she started the kettle, pouring chocolate powder into their mugs. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. What do you want to do?”

Catra started to say something. Adora paused in her stirring, listening.

“What was that?”

Catra gave her a wide eyed stare. She wound her finger around a curl. “I like just…sitting. We can just sit.”

“You mean while I do my homework?”

She nodded. Adora was frozen for a second against an onslaught of…love. Catra wanted to sit with her while she did her homework.

“I just…” Catra looked at the floor as she stepped closer. She had been a lot more serious today than last night, and now it seemed intensified. Her eyes were unreadable, which always made Adora uncomfortable. “I like watching you.”

Fear gripped Adora by the throat.

“When you’re reading,” Catra murmured, shifting like this was an awkward thing to admit, instead of just deeply erotic. “When you’re frustrated because you don’t understand something. When you’re laughing. I like watching it happen. I feel lucky to see it. Is that weird?”

Being watched. Being seen. Being savored.

Adora shook her head. “No,” she said, her voice breaking. “That’s not weird at all. I think all the same things about you.”

Catra’s eyes widened. “You do?”

“Of course I do.”

Panicked she’d said too much, Adora turned to the kettle and poured the boiling liquid into their cups, letting the steam wash over her face.

Adora went back to her homework. Only it was worse this time, because all the gaps where she had been looking at Catra were reversed, and now she could feel Catra’s eyes on her when she wasn’t looking. But whenever she glanced up Catra was reading her book. _Alice in Wonderland_.

“Quiz me?” Adora asked a few hours later, turning down her study playlist. Catra inhaled deeply, coming out of her immersion in the book and blinking a few times.

“What do you mean?”

“Here.” She handed Catra a sheet of paper. “Read the descriptions to me, and tell me if I guess wrong.”

She sat back in her chair, feet up on the mattress, and closed her eyes. “I’m ready.”

Catra cleared her throat. “Okay. Um…highly endangered. Nocturnal burrowing toad. Lives in sandy soil…vertical pupils, digging structure on back – “

“Eastern Spadefoot Toad.”

“Yeah!” Catra said, impressed. “That’s – “

“Wait. I have to know it’s genus and species.” Adora wracked her brain. “Scaphiopus…holbrooki.”

“I don’t know how you remembered that, but yeah.” There was some rustling. “Secured, hybridize with B. americanus, no…’spur’ connecting crests to parotoid glands – “

“Fowler’s Toad. Bufo fowleri.”

“Adora, you're freaking me out.”

“Was I right?” She opened her eyes. Catra nodded at her. “Nice. Keep going.”

They did that for a little while, and then Catra asked her a thousand questions about frogs (“they don’t have _ears?”)._ The light through the window dimmed and went dark, and Adora actually felt a little more prepared for her test. She had expected Catra to be more a hindrance than a help.

“You’re so smart, what the heck,” Catra said, snagging Adora’s notebook and pulling it into her lap. “You’re gonna be a millionaire!”

Adora snorted. “That’s not _quite_ how that works. And I’m definitely not the smartest – “

“Tell that to _buffalo fowlery_ ,” Catra interrupted, raising her eyebrows. Adora laughed.

“ _Bufo fowleri.”_

“See?” Catra said, waving a hand at Adora. “Genius.”

"Genus, actually," Adora said, and laughed at her own joke while Catra groaned.

Bow and Glimmer still didn’t come back, but at least Adora got a text that informed her they were staying at Bow’s tonight. Kind of weird, since Glimmer had been so intent on being Catra’s best friend the day before. But it was fine. The two of them ate spaghetti across the kitchen table from one another. Catra had her nose stuck in the book, still, and Adora scrolled through twitter.

It was quiet. And Adora was surprised how okay that was. They hadn’t really done this… _she_ hadn’t really done this. Not with a – oh. She looked at her phone screen, seeing nothing. She wasn’t thinking of Catra as a family member, like she did with Glimmer and Bow. She could sit in silence with them because they were always there. That’s how it was with family. It was bad she couldn’t think of Catra the same way. It was really bad. And selfish.

Of course she didn’t need to entertain Catra. They were family.

It was easier to think that than it was to call Catra her sister. Family. A neutral term, for all intents and purposes.

They talked before bed. Catra told her more about Razz, and that whole situation. Adora told her about Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and how mountains looked different there than anywhere else. They were soft, and green, and smoke clung to them and made everything hazy. The log cabin they stayed in lung off a steep incline, right on the side of one. That was the first time she’d ever smoked weed, in the dark on one of the three levels of porches. It had freaked her out and she didn’t ever do it again, but she’d felt safe trying it with Bow and Glimmer. They had laughed a lot.

“What was it like?” Catra asked, her eyes drifting closed.

“Hard to explain. Glimmer says it makes her feel really zen and calm…but I just felt like I was losing control. Like, I couldn’t make my body do anything. It made me too anxious to sleep, so I just sat up and waited until the feeling went away. We watched the sunrise.”

“I wanna…see it…” Catra murmured. Adora smiled at her, and her sleeping face.

“I’ll take you there.”

Catra didn’t answer, and Adora didn’t touch the hand that rested between them. She pulled herself away, turned toward the wall, and closed her eyes.

What felt like seconds later, the quiet erupted into screams. Adora sat bolt upright, her entire body tensing so hard it hurt. The noise was horrible, tortured, and haunting all at once.

It was coming from Catra.

*************

_The Church was bathed in red light. Catra didn’t want to go any closer. She couldn’t remember the last time she was outside, and it should have been something to enjoy. But there was no breeze, or trees, or even grass to touch. Only red._

_And she was late for something. She just couldn’t remember what._

_It wasn’t the New Hampshire building. It was the first one. The one before. Just like in her first memories, the doors were impossibly heavy, and the handles were too high. Linoleum floors slapped against the soles of her feet, leaving bruises behind. She needed to be in the sanctuary. The move was in a few months. She needed to pack up the bibles._

_“Catra…” A voice whispered. Catra gasped and turned._

_“Adora?”_

_Impossible. Adora wasn’t…she was…_

_“Who else?” Adora smiled, sweeping in and tickling her neck. She only ever did that when she was in the best moods._

_Catra flinched away, laughing even though there was nothing funny going on. “Where have you been?”_

_“Here.” Adora said, wrinkling her nose. “Did you get into the wine or something?”_

_They both knew that wasn’t it. “Adora,” Catra said, noting the guilt in Adora’s smile. She_ knew. _“You came back?”_

_“For you,” Adora said, leaning in. Catra gasped again, watching Adora’s mouth coming so close to hers._

_“Catrina.”_

_Again, Catra turned. Or the world turned around her. The hallway swiveled into view, Shadow Weaver standing at the end of it, just against the darkness._

“ _S-Sister Louise,” she stammered. “I was just – “_

_“Shirking your duties?” Shadow Weaver walked forward slowly. Catra squinted, realizing there was something strange going on with her face. It was shrouded in darkness. There was nothing above her chin._

_“N-no,” Catra said. “It’s Adora! She came – “_

_She looked to her side, where there was no one._

_“ – back.”_

_“I thought I told you never to say her name.”_

_“B-but she was! She was right next to me!” Catra had to turn a full circle to be sure. The hall spun again and Shadow Weaver was right there, leaning into her personal space. She had no face. Catra gasped, stumbling back. “No, no, no, she_ was. _She was right here!”_

_“She was not.”_

_“She_ was!” _Catra insisted, raising her voice and immediately cringing. “I’m – I’m sorry, I just meant she was next to me and I – “_

_“She. Was. Not.”_

_Catra tried to escape the hands digging into her arms, dragging her forward. “No! NO!”_

_“Thirty-six hours, I think. For insubordination.”_

_“You can’t do that!” Catra screamed, frothing at the mouth to get away. Her feet kicked and her shoulder sockets complained. “That’s almost two days! I’m – I’m Committed! No!”_

_Shadow Weaver grinned at her. Down the hall, the Choir began to chant._

“Catra!”

Adora. Catra looked all over, trying to find her. It was too dark. Shadow Weaver was still pulling at her arms, holding her down, _hurting_ her. She screamed and fought against the claws, hearing Adora’s voice somewhere nearby.

“Adora! Adora, I’m here!”

“I know! Stop – fighting – me.”

Abruptly, it was Adora in front of her. Above her. It was Adora’s hands pinning her down.

Sweet relief burst over her tongue. Catra sobbed. “You came back. I knew it. I knew you would – “

Adora’s hair tickled her nose. Catra grasped her sides, pulling their bodies together. “Don’t go away again. Please stay here. If – if they believe me – then they won’t – “

“ _What?”_ Adora asked, her voice high-pitched. “Back? What are you talking about?”

Her tone solidified things. It wasn’t a dream. She knew that, but it wasn’t so simple. Catra’s mind had woken up, but as always her body couldn’t shake off the dream. Her throat was choked and burning, and her nails were digging into Adora way too hard.

“It’s okay,” Adora said, letting go of her arms as Catra stopped writhing. “It’s okay. I’m here. I _am_ back. I’m – I’m not going anywhere.”

Catra let go of her, folding her arms across her chest. She pushed Adora away by turning onto her side, bringing her knees up and gasping for air. “No,” she said, without meaning to. “N-No. It’s – It’s not – “

“Hey,” Adora said, unevenly. Her hand touched Catra’s hip, but she flinched away from the touch. “Hey, I’m here. I’ve got you.”

"It's not real."

Catra was out of her mind. She always was, just after. Her feet still throbbed from running through the church, her nose was still full of the smell of lye soap and Shadow Weaver’s rosemary perfume. She still saw the non-face smiling at her behind her eyelids.

And she couldn’t stop the wracking, full-body sobs any more than she could stop the earth from turning. The emotions were always so intense; panic, pain, terror, helplessness. Everything she felt for the last five years, all slamming into her at once with so much force her teeth rang.

Having someone else there in the dark made it much worse. The fact that it was Adora broke her. It was Adora trying to talk her down, trying to bring her out of it.

“Scorpia,” she gasped out. The only person who had seen her in this state. “I need Scorpia.”

“What? W-why?’

Catra curled her arms in, digging her nails into her sides. Every breath hurt. “P-please call Scorpia. I need Scorpia.”

Adora put her hands on Catra’s side again, smoothing them up and down. “Scorpia? I – no, Catra. I’m here. Please let me take care of you. I promise it was just a – “

“I don’t _want you to take care of me,_ ” Catra yelled. The words ripped themselves out of her windpipe, and more barreled out right after them. “I want you…to _want_ me!”

Her shout seemed to echo around the room – around the entire _world_ – before it looped back into her own ears and she realized. She had really just said that. And this wasn’t a dream.

No. _No, no, no._ Not like this! Not at _all_ like this!

Adora’s hand paused, and then disappeared. Catra unwound her body, which didn’t really feel like her body just then, and sat up, flattening her back against the wall to stay that way. Her spine was weak.

She sat up, shaking her head and trying to think straight. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but it _was_. She just had to adapt. Right now. No pressure.

“I’m – “ her mouth had already started to say. But no, she didn’t want to apologize anymore. If she was going to do this, which she kind of had to, now, then it was going to be all the way. So she braced herself for impact.

“I’m in _love_ with you.”

The silence that followed that was impossibly more dense. Time slowed to microseconds and nano breaths. But her eyes were adjusting, so she could see that Adora’s eyes were very wide. Too wide for her face.

“Do you understand?” Catra whispered. She didn’t reach out, scared Adora would pull away if she did. “It’s always been you. I know I didn’t…I know I turned my back on you when it mattered the most, but I was just _scared_. It’s all so – so twisted up right now, I can’t – “

On some level, she was aware she was still crying really hard. She hoped Adora could understand what she was saying. “I survived being committed because of you. If you hadn’t – I was _Catra_ , you know? And if I wasn’t, if you hadn’t named me, then I would have been _erased_. Everything would have just…” Tears burned hot down her face, every word trembling as her chest hitched. “You named me, Adora. And I’m in love with you.”

She forced in a breath, her vision going a little dark at the edges. The minutes right after an episode were a little dizzying. She wasn’t making sense.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same,” she added as the silence drew on. Adora was pale as a ghost in the darkness. “I - I didn’t want it to go like this. I would have made - made more sense, or something. I just don’t want you to – to think of me as someone you have to t-take c-care of. We don’t _have_ to be - be - “ she started to hyperventilate, closing her eyes.

There was a shuffling sound. Adora started moving, climbing to the end of the bed and going to her closet. Catra pushed the blankets off her legs, too hot and very honestly worried she might pass out.

After some rummaging, Adora came back. She set down a rectangular box in Catra’s lap.

“Before you open it,” Adora said, and she sounded a little out of breath, too. “Are you okay?”

“W-what?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm you, so if you need a few minutes – “

“What’s in here?”

Adora made a sound that was almost a laugh. She took the lid off the box and set it to the side, reaching in and pulling something out. It was…paper.

Without asking, Catra took it and unfolded it, sure for a moment she was still dreaming. It was dark, but not that dark.

“I drew this,” she said stupidly, tracing the horribly drawn Adora. “I remember...for your… birthday one year.”

Adora nodded.

“You...you kept it?” Catra’s fingers tightened instinctively on the relic. If she’d had anything like this back at the Church...just one single concrete memory would have made all the difference.

Or she might have shredded it in anger. That was a chilling thought - she smoothed her fingers over the indents her grip had made. This was precious.

“It’s not all I kept,” Adora whispered. Catra thought the box was empty, but Adora dipped her hand back in and offered a long red ribbon.

Catra very carefully folded the drawing and set it back in its place, taking one gossamer end of the ribbon and pulling it from Adora’s fingers.

“Your ribbon.”

“No,” Adora said. Catra gave her a questioning look. “Yours.”

Catra shook her head. Adora took a deep breath.

“I switched them the night I left.”

Abruptly, Catra’s head started spinning again. She had to brace one of her hands on the mattress and lean harder against the wall to ground herself.

“You…what?”

“I switched our ribbons.”

Several things came to Catra’s mind. Memories of tying her hair in that ribbon every single day. Washing it in the shower. Tossing it on the floor at night. Fraying the edges out of boredom during sermon.

The same ribbon she had carelessly left on some dirty street somewhere that first frantic week of freedom.

It had been Adora’s.

“Hey,” Adora said, reaching out. Catra flinched back again, still trying to wrap her head around this.

“Why would you do that?” She cried. “You left without a word, but you took my _ribbon_?”

Adora closed her eyes, sighing. “I needed some part of you to come with me. However small.”

Catra blinked furiously as her tears kept filling her vision. “W-why?”

“Because I’m in love with you, too.”

Her chest filled with pain, and then shock, and then plain disbelief. She held her breath, trying desperately to control the sobs. “Y-you are?”

Adora opened her eyes and nodded, lips pressed tightly together. A beat of silence passed where Catra tried to make sense of it, and couldn’t.

“Oh.”

Another silence.

“Sorry,” Catra gasped, wiping her eyes. “I can’t - I don’t know what - um, sometimes after the nightmares it’s a little hard to - “

Adora pushed the box aside and moved forward. Closer. “Can I touch you, now?” She whispered.

Catra nodded and fell forward, sank into the tight hug, her body pressing itself close until she was all but sitting in Adora’s lap. She pressed her face into Adora’s neck, leaving tears and probably snot behind.

“I love with you,” Adora murmured. One hand touched the back of her neck, the other wrapping around her side. “I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

“Adora.”

Adora made a soft noise, holding Catra so tight it was hard to pull away. But then the grip around her loosened, and she _did_ pull back, and they were face to face.

“Adora.”

Adora just nodded, looking stricken. “Whatever you need,” she whispered. “Whatever this means to you – “

Catra didn’t know what she was talking about. She closed the scarce distance between them, and then they were kissing.

It was new. Adora’s lips were very soft, and very wet. Or maybe that was just Catra’s tears. Either way, they were _kissing._ Clumsily, Catra moved her mouth, unsure of how this was supposed to go. Maybe she was already messing it up.

Adora didn’t do anything, at first, and then all of a sudden she _did_. She gasped against Catra’s mouth, and her hand went flat against Catra’s back. She was pulled impossibly closer, until they were practically the same body, the same pain, the same everything.

The hand on Catra’s neck moved, too, angling Catra’s head up just a little. It changed the way their lips fit together, made it better. Adora’s mouth opened, and closed, capturing Catra’s lower lip between hers. There was a rhythm that Catra tried to match, but after two seconds she gave up focusing on the mechanics and just let it happen.

Electricity buzzed under her skin, the worst of the sobbing coming to a slow halt as their skin connected over and over. Soap bubbles floated along her brain, bursting in explosions of frission. She couldn't think, and she was relieved.

Adora pulled away too soon, though not very far. Their foreheads were still touching. Catra breathed. Adora breathed.

“Catra,” she whispered. Catra hummed in response, caught between the after-panic of the bad dream and the ecstasy of this new one. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Catra nodded. “Yes. _Yes.”_

Adora kissed her, a little less softly this time. Her lips moved faster, and then she broke away from Catra’s mouth altogether. She Catra’s chin, her cheek, her forehead. That was somehow more overwhelming than anything else. Catra held onto her shoulders for dear life.

“You’re still crying,” Adora whispered, her fingers tracing the base of Catra’s neck, sliding up to her ear, and then to her cheek. “What…what was the dream about?”

“It doesn’t matter. I already forgot.”

Feeling a little out of her depth, Catra kissed _Adora’s_ cheek. Right on the cheekbone. It felt strange, and a little silly. But Adora gasped again, softly, and smiled. A big, real, Adora smile.

“I kind of can’t believe this happening,” she said. Catra nodded. “You love me.”

For the first time, Catra sobbed with happiness. She buried her face back in Adora’s neck, and wrapped her arms anywhere they would fit, and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~The End~~
> 
> Just kidding! We're just getting started here. Sooo the kissing scene ended up being written to Space Song, which made writing this very painful! But I hope you guys like it and don't hate me for taking three weeks to update!


	12. Keysmash

Adora woke up first. She had never really fallen asleep, and barely understood how Catra could. If the nightmare…thing had drained her so badly, Adora was a little afraid she hadn’t been in her right mind at all. It was the only thing that made sense.

Listening to Catra’s steady breathing was the only thing that lulled her toward any kind of calm. Her heart had been racing for going on four hours, making her nauseous and strung out. Her lips felt like a crime scene, roped off and outlined in chalk. Catra’s confession rang in her ears, stilted and halting but very real. So painfully real, in fact, there was no way it could be.

She wished she had been able to sleep. Then she could write it off as a dream, instead of it being something she would have to face. Something only the most vicious part of her subconscious could have cooked up to torture her.

When Catra woke up, they could both take back what they said. Or qualify it, with _I didn’t mean it like that_ ’s and _I just got carried away in the moment_ ’s. Or _What’s one kiss between friends, after all? It doesn’t have to mean anything._

Adora pushed the blankets down as a cold sweat enveloped her body. A kiss. Two kisses, actually. More than she had ever imagined, and that was okay. She could live with two kisses.

There hadn’t been time to question it. Like a freight train, the seconds had come one after the other. Catra was screaming, and then she wasn’t, and then she was saying all those things that had Adora showing her the _ribbon._ That was, more than anything else, what had to be the worst part of it. Catra would be freaked out by Adora taking her ribbon. She had just been as overwhelmed by Adora the night before. She hadn’t had time to think about how weird it was.

Adora planned her defenses, anticipating every possible conversation. She had to protect herself, and she had to do it well. There was no other way to recover from two kisses.

Finally, when the sun was just starting to rise, Catra shifted. Adora waited impatiently, on the urge of waking her up every second but deciding against it. Get it over with? Or enjoy these last few moments?

Instead, she watched awakening play over Catra’s face instead, minute shifts in her expression. Her dark eyebrows and pointy nose. Her red lips and long eyelashes.

Adora watched like a dying man watches the sunset, because it might be his last.

Catra blinked her eyes open, blue and hazel eyes lighting up in equal measure. She probably sensed she was being stared at, and Adora didn’t pretend she wasn’t. They stared at each other while Catra blinked sleepily a few times.

“Hey,” she yawned.

Adora’s throat locked in a convulsion. For all her thinking, she didn’t know where to start.

Catra, too, made a choked-off sound, cutting her yawn short as the memories crashed into her.

“Hey,” she said again, in a much different tone.

Adora talked around the closure in her throat. It made her sound hoarse. “Do you remember…?”

“Yeah,” Catra nodded. “I – I don’t remember falling asleep, though…”

“You were pretty out of it. We talked. Um, then you fell asleep on me.”

“Oh. Yeah. The nightmares – “

“Seeing you like that was really scary.” This was easier to talk about, and Adora latched on to the reprieve. If they were talking about this, then they weren’t talking about the other things. “Does it happen a lot?”

Catra looked taken aback. “No. Not anymore.”

“Not any _more?”_

She opened her mouth, then closed it. “You don’t have them?”

“I have nightmares, Catra. Not whatever that was.”

Catra swallowed. Her hand sought out Adora’s under the blankets. Adora tensed at the contact, and tensed further as color darkened Catra’s cheeks.

“We did more than just talk,” she murmured.

Adora went as still as possible, her head aching dully. Catra didn’t sound angry. Yet. It would be one of the less terrible options, then. That they got carried away. Adora was ready for it. She steeled herself against the turmoil.

“Oh,” Catra said even more softly. Her hand pulled away. “You regret it.”

That gave Adora pause. Regret didn’t fit into any of her quickly assembled deflections. If Catra was offering her an out, then she should just say _yes_ and they could get on with salvaging things. But, and this was more certain than even her fear, she would never be able to forgive herself for this particular lie.

She could never for a second let Catra think she regretted it.

“No,” she said firmly. “Not at all.”

Instead of frowning, or looking creeped out and wary, Catra’s stormy expression brightened into a smile. “Good. Me neither.”

Adora’s foot had missed a step. Her leg sailed through the open air, brain reeling at the lack of a banister to catch herself on. “Oh.”

Catra was still smiling at her. Unworried, unbothered. Adora was maybe smiling back, but she wasn’t sure. Her face felt numb.

“So we should talk about it.”

“Okay,” Catra said, with a nod. She took Adora’s hand again.

What was this? _Was_ she asleep, after all? “We kissed,” she said flatly.

Catra’s eyes glanced over her face. Her smile wavered. “Yeah?”

“I – I mean did you – ? I didn’t – “ Adora sighed sharply. “So everything you said…you meant it.”

“Of course I did.” Catra glanced down to her mouth, a line forming between her eyebrows. “Didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” So much for posterity. “Yes, I did.”

“So…what’s the problem, here?” She asked, a little sharply. “ _You_ don’t regret it, but you want _me_ to?”

“No,” Adora said, closing her eyes. It was too difficult to look at Catra’s face. “I want you to…I just…feel like I pressured you into something, maybe.”

There was a short, _sharp_ silence. Catra squeezed her fingers.

“I kissed _you_ , Adora.”

“That’s not – “

“And you kissed me _back_ ,” she hissed. “In that order.”

“I know.”

“How could you have pressured me?”

There were a lot of possible answers to that one. “You begged me, last night. You begged me to stay.”

Catra inhaled. “I wasn’t awake – “

“If you’re trying to give me what you think I want – “

 _“What?”_ Catra cried, yelling and whispering at the same time. ““I didn’t know this is what you wanted. I was terrified it wasn’t. That’s why it _took_ me so long, you idiot!”

Adora held her breath for a second before opening her eyes. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.” She released Adora’s hand and sat up, bracing her elbows on her knees and hiding her face. “ _God._ Why are you being such a jerk?”

Adora sat up, too, moving very slowly. If she went to fast, then this reality might split in two. “How am I being a – ?”

“By making me say all this stuff again! I thought that part was over. This was supposed to be a _good_ morning.”

“I – “ Adora swallowed. 

“I thought you understood. Last night. I thought the _kissing_ made it clear enough.”

“I didn’t even know you liked girls,” Adora heard herself say. That was the _least_ of her worries, but words were flying around her brain too fast to make another sentence.

“Neither did I, for your information. But I’ve liked _you_ forever. I just didn’t realize how much.”

The words didn’t make sense at first, then they all swam together and it clicked. Adora’s fear solidified, and then dissipated. “You’ve liked me…forever?”

“Yes.”

“So you…? You…”

“…love a moron? Yeah. I do.”

“I love you, too. Stop calling me stupid.” Adora hesitated, then reached out, resting her hand against the small of Catra’s back. Catra went stiff and lifted her head, glaring.

Slowly, Adora’s fingers smoothed out, very close to the hem, where Catra’s brown skin was showing above her waistband. Catra’s glare turned softer, then she was just frowning.

“I’m sorry,” Adora said, and meant it. She could feel a realization hovering above her consciousness, but she was too scared to acknowledge it. It was too huge. “I just…thought I was so obvious. I thought you were…I didn’t think…”

Catra snorted. “I thought _I_ was obvious.”

She turned and threw her arms around Adora’s neck, throwing herself forward with such force Adora was pushed backward, her head smacking onto her pillow as Catra kissed her.

It was incongruously soft, and hesitant. Only her third kiss.

The tension in Adora’s head turned into a stabbing pain, and then broke. A fishing line, reeled too taught. It snapped free and the wire unraveled itself, spinning wildly out of alignment. Catra wasn’t disgusted. Catra wasn’t denying what had happened. Catra was kissing her _again._

Adora put a hand on either side of her face, holding this moment as tightly as she could. It was _really_ happening. That was really Catra’s breathy sigh against her face, and Catra’s knee digging into her thigh. Catra’s hair brushing her forehead. It was Catra all around her, suffocating, bleeding into her.

Her lungs contracted without her knowing what was happening, and it wasn’t until Catra pulled back and gasped that she realized she was crying.

“Hey,” Catra said a little shakily. “Stop that.”

Adora looked anywhere but at her, blinking the tears away. Catra didn’t let her turn her head, placing a gentle hand on the side of her face and just looking.

“I lied,” Adora said , her voice breaking. “When I said I didn’t pray. I did. I prayed for you for years.”

Catra’s mouth popped open.

“I don’t believe – “ Adora stopped herself, some backwards part of her childhood screaming _blasphemy_. “I don’t really know who I was praying to, but I thought about you. I hoped you were happy.”

Catra’s eyes widened to saucers. She kept them open as she kissed Adora again, just a brush of skin on her lips.

“I wasn’t,” she whispered.

Adora nodded. She knew that now. She had always known it. Hence the praying.

“I love you,” Catra said. “I want…this.”

“You know what you’re asking for?” Adora had to make sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, or it was going to hurt unfathomably worse down the line. “I mean, it – “

“Shut _up_ ,” Catra commanded, irritated. “Let’s not waste more time than we already have.”

That cut through the fog pretty clearly. Adora lifted her chin the few inches it took to close the distance. Brief, warm, and gentle. She was doing most of the work, but that was just fine.

It was fine, and then it was too much. She stopped, letting her head fall back and keeping her eyes closed.

_Please don’t be asleep, please don’t be asleep._

There was a sharp pinch on her arm. Catra was smiling at her when her eyes flew open. It was alarming how well she was taking this, when Adora felt like a dinner plate headed for the floor.

“I have to pee,” Catra said contemplatively, saving her from having to admit to her thoughts.

“You go first. I’ll make coffee.” That was a menial enough task to give her brain a chance to turn off. Reboot.

“Okay.” Catra got to her feet, but stopped when Adora held onto her wrist.

“Wait,” she said. Catra looked down at the contact. “I…shouldn’t have argued with you last night. I’m sorry.”

“About what?“

“You asked for Scorpia.”

“Oh.” Catra stared at the ground for a second, then shook her head. “No. It’s fine. I’m glad you argued.”

Adora still felt bad. “So…if it happens again…?”

“Well, I hope it doesn’t. I _really_ have to pee.”

“Oh. Right.” Adora let go, watching Catra as she left the room.

Sitting up brought attention to the tears still gathered in her eyelashes. She wiped them away and used Glimmer’s bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. Her reflection caught her eye. She looked funny, and not just because of the splotchy cheeks and dripping water.

A smile stuck to her mouth. Not consciously, or because something was funny. When she tried to stop, her frown still looked unnervingly happy. There would be no keeping this from Glimmer, that was for sure. The biggest _I told you so_ in history was coming her way.

Because she knew it was going to be bad, she decided to get one in ahead and dug around in the lower cabinets for the unopened pack of toothbrushes she knew was down there. Not that Glimmer would even notice – her bathroom was a disaster site.

She pulled Glimmer’s brush through her hair before twisting it into a bun. The long sleepless night would catch up with her the next day, but for now she felt bright and bubbly, which was unusual for – she glanced at her phone and cringed – seven on a Sunday morning.

But this wasn’t a usual Sunday.

She had never made Catra breakfast before, but the last time she slept over they had cereal. Just looking at the boxes made her stomach complain. It was just too early for food. Coffee, however, sounded amazing.

The hollow croak of the plastic lid, the smell of pure espresso beans, the sound each spoonful made as she dumped it into the filter. Morning rituals. She had done this a thousand times, and this one was no different. When the machine whirred to life, she braced her hands on the counter and stared at it, waiting for the first drops to fall.

 _She knew,_ an unwelcome voice whispered in the back of her head. _You all but confessed, all those years ago. She’s just giving you what you want, because she knows what happens when she_ doesn’t.

Adora shook her head, biting her tongue. No. That was _not_ the reason she left the Church. Even if Catra had left with her, she would never have asked for –

She heard footsteps, and wiped her eyes again. Just in case.

Catra stopped at the corner, arms crossed low over her stomach. They looked at each other for a second, then she dropped her arms and came closer, wrapping her arms around Adora’s waist and putting her head on her shoulder. A hug, kind of.

Adora put a hand on her arm, and then broke. She pulled her in as tightly as she could, ignoring her muffled protest. If Catra wanted this for the wrong reasons, she decided, it would become clear pretty soon. She would realize that this _wasn’t_ what she wanted, and then, at some not-so-distant point, this would end.

It was just a matter of when…so until that time came…

Adora leaned back, meeting Catra’s eyes. It was _Catra_ who smiled. _Catra_ who leaned in and kissed her. It was also Catra who lifted herself onto her tiptoes to chase Adora’s mouth when she got too far.

The fishing pole cast the line, letting it sail into the water with an unwound reel. No way to pull it back.

Ending it would give Catra the wrong idea, could _hurt_ her. Until the time came, Adora would let herself enjoy this.

“You’re being quiet,” Catra whispered.

“Sorry.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop _smiling_ like that.”

Adora genuinely hadn’t realized she was smiling at all. Her cheeks hurt.

“Do you want any?” She asked, nodding to the counter. Catra wrinkled her nose and asked for water.

“I have to go home today,” she said after she’d gotten it, drinking it down in big gulps while Adora mixed creamer into her mug.

“It’s still early.” It was a sour note to think of that. Adora needed more time than just half a day.

“What do you wanna do?”

Adora shrugged. “Whatever you want. I have plans with Bow at four…but it won’t hurt him to go to the gym alone.”

“I told Razz I would have dinner with her,” Catra said regretfully, her glass _clinking_ to the counter. “She kind of ambushed me on Friday, when I was leaving to get in your car.”

“Oh.” Adora ignored her disappointment.

“She eats dinner at, like, five.”

“Got it.”

Adora followed her into the living room. They sat on the couch. Well, Adora sat. Catra immediately turned sideways and laid down, her head in Adora’s lap.

Adora focused hard on not spilling the very hot coffee. Catra doing this was not new, or particularly intimate for them. But Adora had never done _this._ The emotional outburst, the very chaste kissing, the whole…morning after of it all.

“When did you know?” She found herself asking. Catra’s head moved, looking up at her face.

“It’s embarrassing.”

“…No. It’s not.”

She heaved a sigh. “I don’t know…it just kind of happened. Scorpia was talking about Phoebe one day, and I realized all at once that everything she was saying…kind of…applied.” She winced as she said it.

“Applied…to me?”

She nodded, and Adora felt herself smiling again. Widely.

“Shut up,” Catra said. “…What about you?”

Warning signs went off in Adora’s head, flashing red and black. But she pushed past it, at least a little. It was okay to talk about this, for the first time ever. She could be honest. Honesty might even bring Catra to her senses.

“There wasn’t really anything in particular. Sometime between…I guess the ages of ten and fifteen.”

“That’s vague.”

Adora glanced down, trying to gauge her tone. “I felt guilty, and for a long time I didn’t know why. You were my best friend. I was supposed to like you, right? But things kept happening where I would, like…”

Catra raised her eyebrows. “You would…?”

“The way you touched me,” Adora said. “I liked it.”

Catra’s eyebrows gradually lowered, then drew together. “I did, too. And I didn’t understand why, either.”

Adora didn’t know what to say to that. She touched her fingertip to the tip of Catra’s nose, drawing it lightly up to her hairline. All this time…all the touches between them, innocent and not-so-innocent (at least on Adora’s part), played in her mind.

Catra finally closed her eyes, turning her face up so Adora could keep running her finger along the bridge of her nose. “Don’t stop.”

“Okay,” Adora whispered. She wouldn’t stop. Not as long as Catra was asking.

Laying there like that, she could almost pretend there was no end in sight. She wanted to pretend, so badly it actually hurt. The pain in her head thumped weakly. She sipped coffee with her free hand.

“Are we dating?” Catra asked after a while of silence. For some reason, Adora recoiled away from that. The word seemed so vague. So…normal. But also strangely specific.

“Yeah,” she said, at length. Beneath her fingertip, Catra’s nose wrinkled. “I mean – yeah! Of course. It just seems weird to think about. In a good way.”

“Is that what you want? To date?”

Adora went still, letting her finger linger on the skin between her eyebrows.

“I want whatever it is _you_ want.”

Catra snorted derisively. “I don’t know why you can’t just answer the question.”

“Yes,” Adora said, before she could stop herself. “It is what I want.”

“Good,” Catra breathed, nodding once. “So. If we agree that we’re dating, then that means – well, obviously _I_ won’t be seeing other people, I barely see people at all, in general. You, on the other hand – “

“What? Other people?”

Catra blinked at her, pressing her lips together. “I know you have, um…friends.”

Adora stared down at her for a while, just trying to discern what that meant.

“Elise,” Catra said.

Adora flinched at that name coming so casually out of her mouth. “ _Elise?_ How do you know about her?”

Catra’s lips parted in surprise. “Phoebe just mentioned something about – “

“Why were you and Phoebe talking about _that?”_

Catra closed her eyes.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Adora levered herself back, pulling her legs out from under Catra’s head and swiveling around so she was sitting near her hip, leaning over her. “Why?”

“Because…” Catra took a deep breath, shrugging her shoulders helplessly. “I asked her for advice.”

“Advice about _what_?” How to give Adora a heart attack?

“Stop yelling.”

“Sorry.” Adora pulled back an inch or two, rubbing her hip. “Sorry.”

“Scorpia told her, I think.”

Adora made a noncommittal sound, horrified. She was only vaguely aware of Catra still talking.

“Just because she knew something was up, and I had to talk about it to _someone_ or I would have gone crazy. And she actually said Phoebe guessed, so. And then that night at the skating rink _she_ saw that I was upset, so I kind of asked for – “

“Phoebe _guessed_?” Adora laughed bitterly. “Oh, my God. I’m going to _murder_ them!”

“What?”

“Phoebe knew how I felt.”

Catra gave her a skeptical look.

“Since…well, I told Glimmer about it weeks ago. Last month. She’s the one that told Phoebe.”

“A month?” Catra whispered, realization dawning. “She _knew?_ ”

“Everyone knew.”

“Why didn’t they _say_ any – “ Catra stopped suddenly, and rolled to the side, smushing her face into the couch cushion. “Oh _.”_

Some of Adora’s anger ebbed away. She smiled, pulling at Catra’s hip until she rolled back, staring blankly at the ceiling. “Oh what?”

“Phoebe kept telling me…and giving me all these _hints_ …saying I shouldn’t be scared to tell you how I feel. And she seemed so _sure_.”

“She was,” Adora muttered. “But never mind them. We can be mad about it later.”

Catra raised an eyebrow. “Why not now?”

“Like you said.” Adora took her hand and raised the knuckles to her lips. “It’s supposed to be a good morning.”

After a second, Catra’s face cleared and she nodded. “You’re right.”

“And.” Adora drew a breath. “I won’t be seeing other people.”

Catra nodded again. Businesslike. “Good.”

________________________________

A good morning turned into better cuddling and then, tragically, an amazing nap. Catra must have been more exhausted after the nightmare than she thought. Adora must have been exhausted from dealing with her.

Still, it was nice to be able to nuzzle against her on the couch, securing herself every ounce of warmth. Adora’s warmth. She didn’t even have to feel guilty, or worry she was getting _too_ close. Adora actively pulled her in, and after a while of quiet conversation, lamenting and laughing at how they had been dancing around each other, one or both of them fell asleep. The other followed right after.

The television was on, blandly announcing things at a low level. Just louder than that was Adora’s voice, and even if Catra wasn’t listening to every word she was hearing it all. She enjoyed feeling Adora’s pulse at the point their chests connected, and where Adora’s arm was pinned beneath her neck. And where Catra’s forehead pressed against her neck.

Adora nudged her awake just before it was time to go. Stupid Razz and her stupid dinner.

It was horrible to leave the safe cocoon of blankets and Adora. Catra didn’t feel quite awake. She just watched Adora run around and collect her things for her, stopping short when she saw the shoebox on her desk.

Catra saw it, too, and felt warm even though Adora wasn’t touching her.

“You should keep it,” she said, like anything else was an option. What she really meant was _clearly its safer with you._

Adora gave her a curious look. “Really?”

Catra almost smacked her arm. She settled for pulling her bag away and hefting it onto her own shoulder. “Yes.”

She prayed that would be it. It was hard to even think about the ribbon without bursting into tears. If they didn’t keep that, she wanted to say, then they wouldn’t have anything. Anything at all.

Adora looked around for her keys, talking a lot suddenly. Her voice filled all the silence as they walked downstairs and to the car. Catra had nearly forgotten it was full-on winter outside.

“…next week. It’ll be cold,” Adora was saying, locking the door. “Maybe you could come shopping with me? I need some long underwear for work. It gets _bitter_ out there in the trees. I don’t know if it’s the lack of wind, or lack of sunlight, but either way I _never_ have enough layers to go around…are you okay?”

Catra nodded, her hands shoved into her armpits. The cold seemed a thousand times more severe than it did the day before. Had it only been a day? Sitting in the bathroom with Bow felt like a lifetime ago.

The car’s heat took a while to get going. They sat in the cab, waiting, and Catra felt Adora’s gaze prickling her cheek.

“We still have an hour together,” she said.

Catra nodded. “I know.”

“It feels weird, though. To leave so soon.”

That was exactly it. Catra already regretted sleeping through the whole day, but she really wouldn’t see Adora for a whole week. The nightmare had been the impetus of all this momentum they had. What would happen when they were apart? Would Adora not feel the same?

When they started driving, Adora took her hand. That helped more than Catra was willing to admit. She folded it between both of hers, winding and unwinding their fingers. Her skin was so soft, so warm and solid. The bones of her knuckles protruded at each junction, and her palms had callouses. Catra counted them. She had been holding these hands all her life. How had she never noticed this about them?

“Will you still call me at night?”

Adora frowned at the road. “Of course I will. Why would you ask that?”

The deep gray skies washed out the trees, so that orange was beige and brown was ashy black. “I don’t know how people do this.”

“This?” Adora chuckled. “Me either.”

“You’ve dated before.”

She laughed again. “It wasn’t like this.”

Catra examined her hand, thinking. Did that mean she’d never dated someone who was a friend, first? It seemed like that must be the case. Their friend group was close, and they were all dating each other. Bow had been dating Sparkles forever. Glimmer was Adora’s sister, so that ruled her out. But Melanie…she was bisexual, like Glimmer. And Phoebe liked girls. Adora _could_ have dated either of them, and stayed friends, but Catra hoped someone would have mentioned that by now.

She didn’t have any frame of reference. Every relationship she ever had was firmly along the two columns of _Adora_ and _everyone else_.

And even that had changed in the past year. She watched two little kids wrestling in the backseat of a van when they were stopped at a light, and amended the chart in her head. There was the _Adora_ column, bright and sparkling like an ocean sunrise. Hers was the first and most important. The new column sat between her and everyone else. Catra decided to name it _friends._

It didn’t sparkle or shine. It was subtle. A safety net that promised she would never be alone. Without Adora, she was little more than a blank slate of disappointment and regret. But that was before _friends._ That was when the _other people_ were all she had. Brothers and sisters in the eyes of God, but not in reality. The other Committed hadn’t known her. They hadn’t watched movies with her, or cooked for her, or sat in the hall way when she awoke screaming in the night. They hadn’t bought her books and made sure she had soap that smelled like apples and clothes that didn’t give her rashes.

They hadn’t even known her name.

Scorpia probably deserved her own column, too. But Phoebe had also done nice things. Things she didn’t have to do, and although it was annoying Catra relied on her. She would be under Scorpia, then, in the column. Bow was third. And Melanie had made fun of Sparkles, which was funny. Catra liked how ruthless she was.

That list went on. Not much farther, but it was more than she had ever had. But the third column was still there. No matter how much she wished it wasn’t.

Paperwork in Sister Louise’s office. Warm tea and afternoons spent reading. The bible class she taught to the little five year olds in the nursery. They trusted her with their minds, just like she had trusted Sister Louise. Maybe they had a nickname for her, too, when they were alone with their bunkmates. Maybe she was someone’s Shadow Weaver.

She didn’t want to think about that. But it had left its impression, so it had to be included. If she could keep it confined to a row of names and sensations, then maybe with enough time she could shrink it down. It would wither away like the grass in the yard behind her house.

In the summer, that grass would be green again. Her memories would be one more year faded.

“Catra.”

She looked away from the window. “Hm?”

Adora had been talking. She looked vaguely annoyed, like she thought Catra had been listening and just realized she wasn’t. “I just said that you’re scaring me.”

“Sorry.” She straightened up, shaking her head. “Just thinking.”

“That’s what I was scared of.”

“I’m not second guessing,” Catra assured her, a little dismayed that Adora could even think that. “I’m adjusting.”

“Yeah.” Adora’s lips pressed together. Catra had stopped toying with her fingers a while ago. Now they rested lightly on her thigh, drawing up every now and then like Adora was trying to tickle her. “The funny part is that it won’t be that different. Not really.”

“ _What?”_

Adora glanced over and laughed. Her hand squeezed Catra’s knee. “Talking on the phone every night, missing you so much it hurts…that’s not new.”

“Some of it is new,” Catra contested, thinking of soft lips and a hand on the back of her neck.

Adora’s cheeks turned pink. Her hand squeezed harder, but somehow still not hard enough. “Yeah. Some of it.”

“Did I tell you Scorpia made me a Spotify account?”

“No!”

Adora unplugged her phone – which meant she had to let go of Catra’s leg – and handed over the cord without being asked. Catra plugged it into her own phone, opening the app hesitantly.

“You probably won’t like it.”

“Is it Journey?”

“No.” Though Catra had listened to that one song of theirs about a thousand times. “It’s jazz.”

Adora’s eyebrows shot up as the opening chords started over the radio, a dreamy swirl of high notes. Then the singer’s voice, soft and fuzzy through however many decades had passed since he was recorded.

“ _La mer…qu’on voit danser.”_

“I know this,” Adora said, smiling. “Well, I know the English version.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “Something about a woman…and a boat?”

“It’s about the ocean.” Catra looked up the lyrics, before, and their translations. “Loving the ocean.”

“Hm. I think the English one might be different. It’s about waiting for someone.” Her hand found Catra’s and squeezed. “It was in _Finding Nemo.”_

“What?”

“A movie.” She laughed. “A fish has to cross the entire ocean to find his son.”

She said that knowing the reaction it would elicit. Catra’s expression made her laugh again, louder. The song played on, and then switched to another. Adora bobbed her head back and forth.

“So…Catra likes jazz. I didn’t expect that, but it makes sense.”

“The app just shows me different genres, and I wanted to hear some of each of them. I liked jazz a lot more than the others.”

“Are you saying you _don’t_ like Lady Gaga?”

Catra sighed. No point in saying she didn’t know who that was. “I like, uh, Melvin Gaye?”

“Marvin.”

“And Bing Crosby. And some random, like, Italian music popped up?”

“Show me.”

Catra did, picking out her favorite. _Don’t Play That Song_ by Peppino de Capri. She didn’t know enough about this music stuff to be able to say what the instruments were, but the sound was…a blast. Definitely something that played on the power of human breath. Exhale after exhale of layered, off-kilter beats.

She liked the songs Adora showed her. Probably only because they reminded her of that night in her bedroom, when they danced. Listening on her own was different. Laying in bed late at night with her earphones in, she had heard this and _felt_ something. The lyrics were about not wanting to hear a song for those same reasons – not wanting to be reminded of something. So the singer was asking that the music _stop_ , even as the bright, happy beats trumped along beneath his voice.

Catra had wanted the music to stop for a long time.

“I love it!” Adora said. “So you like the old stuff…when this is over, can I make a suggestion?”

“Uh-huh.”

“ _What a Difference a Day Makes._ Ben E. King.”

Catra didn’t wait. She looked it up and hit play. It sounded a lot like the one they had just listened to. Catra added it to her liked songs, and also the one Adora suggested after it, a song by a band called The Hollies.

Adora stopped suggesting things by the time they got off the interstate. She hummed along to whatever Catra played, holding her hand tight.

“I know you said no other people,” Catra whispered. They were sitting on the street, in front of the house. She could see Razz’s one west-facing window all lit up from within. It was almost five, but somewhere behind the clouds the sun was already setting. Longer nights. Catra hated that. “But if you really want – ”

“There are no other people,” Adora said softly. When Catra turned, her head was tipped back onto the headrest, watching her. “And there won’t be.”

Catra knew that. It was just nice to hear it. “Because you’re dating _me_.”

Adora’s blue eyes were dark in this light. She looked down, then up. “Yeah. I am.”

“You better not forget it.” Catra didn’t know where all this teasing confidence was coming from, because it definitely wasn’t what she felt.

“Is that you’re upset about? You think I’ll _forget_?”

“I’m not upset.”

“Yes, you are.” Adora raised an eyebrow. “But that’s okay. I guess you’ll talk about it with Scorpia…or Phoebe the traitor.”

“I’m _not_ upset,” Catra insisted. But she _was_ something, she just wasn’t sure what. “I’m…melancholy.”

“Sad?”

“Melancholy doesn’t just mean _sad_ ,” Catra muttered. “Last night was…a lot.”

Adora’s mild confusion hardened into worry. Catra regretted saying anything at all, because even if Adora understood what she was saying she wasn’t sure she’d like it.

“Which part of last night?”

“I don’t know.”

Adora’s eyes searched her out for a long time. Then Catra tugged on her hand, and that seemed to be all the invitation she needed to lean across the center console.

Their lips met once, twice, and that would have been enough, but Adora leaned in even closer. Catra’s back met the car door. Adora’s arm tightened as she gripped the handle, boxing her in. The other arm wound down and around her lower back. The physics of it didn’t make sense in such a small car, but Catra’s eyes were closed.

Suddenly, Adora wasn’t kissing her with short, hummingbird sips. Their mouths weren’t parting at all. Now Adora’s lips were opening just a little, warm breath fogging the air. Catra followed suit, both intrigued and powerless to resist this change. She had seen people kiss, she had _kissed_ Adora several times today. But not like this.

There was a quick, wet pressure against her lower lip. Tongue.

Catra hooked two fingers into Adora’s collar. Not really pulling, but she came closer anyway. Rain drops began to patter against the metal roof. When Adora’s tongue touched her again, a shocking thing happened.

A moan. Catra’s body had just _moaned_ without even asking her for permission. Rude.

At the sound, Adora pulled sharply back. Not far at all, just enough to stop the kiss. “Is this okay?” She asked in a weird voice.

Catra nodded, eyes still closed, and this time she _did_ pull on Adora’s collar. They met again, and when Adora’s mouth opened to exhale, Catra took initiative.

It was immediately not what she expected. As soon as she stuck her tongue out, she didn’t know where she was supposed to put it. She ended up just sort of licking the back of Adora’s front teeth.

Knowing she had just messed everything up, she pulled her head back, knocking against the window glass, a _sorry_ on the tip of her tongue.

Adora didn’t give her an inch. She closed in like a thunderstorm, and as the pattering rain became a deluge her mouth became a hurricane.

Her tongue had no target. It was just… _there._ It swept into Catra’s mouth and just barely brushed her tongue. It also glanced against her lips on the way in _and_ out, and that should have been wet and messy and disgusting. But it was Adora, so it was magical.

The next time, she caressed Adora’s tongue with her own. That made Adora groan, or moan, or maybe she had started to say something and forgot. That’s what Catra kept doing. She wanted to make some sort of comment on what was happening, but that seemed redundant. Adora probably knew already, since it was her tongue doing all these things.

Their lips were wet with spit. Maybe it was gross, but it also made it easier to slide together and apart. Catra tried the tongue thing again. Adora’s mouth tasted like coffee and sleep and summer. Mostly it was warm, like a hug.

All of a sudden – and too soon – Adora stopped with more finality than before. Her face was all pink and she was breathing even faster than Catra. “You’ll be late.”

Late. Catra righted herself as Adora slipped back into her seat. The kissing had shaken her more than she wanted to admit. “W-what time is it?”

“Five-fifteen.”

Catra cleared her throat, double checking on her phone. It really _was_ five fifteen. Which meant Adora’s car had the correct time, and they had been kissing for over _twenty minutes_.

“I’ll be thinking about that all week,” Adora said, her forehead against the steering wheel.

Catra looked out at the rain, heart racing. She really didn’t want to get out of the car. “Drive carefully.”

“I will.” She reached behind her seat, bending her arm to pull something out of the pouch on the back. “Take this.”

An umbrella. “Don’t you need it?” Catra asked.

She pursed her lips and shook her head. “Nah. I’ll be driving against the storm, so it’ll probably be gone when I get back.”

“Okay.” Catra toyed with the Velcro strip of vinyl that held the umbrella closed. Adora grabbed her bag from the backseat. It sat heavy in Catra’s lap.

“I can walk you to the door, if – “

“No. That’s okay. I’ll go – “

“I don’t mind.”

Catra shook her head, more to clear her thoughts than anything. If Adora walked her to the door, Catra was going to beg her to stay. That was just a fact. “Text me when you’re home.”

She squeezed Adora’s knee, just barely registering her bemusement before throwing herself out into the rain. It took a minute of fumbling to get the umbrella open. She waved once, not sure if Adora could see her or not, then trudged across the lawn to the porch. Freezing drops of rain attacked every inch of her, and she was sure the world had never been so eager to dim her mood.

Adora’s car was still there when Catra closed the umbrella, headlights cutting through the gloom. There was a movement behind the windshield. Catra waved again before going inside.

She kicked her boots off right there, unwilling to track mud everywhere. The umbrella dripped heavily, so she threw it back out, letting a stream of cold air blow into the foyer as she dropped it into the tall vase by the door. Adora was gone.

The door closed with a snap. Catra leaned against it, touching the back of her hand to her mouth. She was unstabilized, unmoored. It was raining harder inside her head than it was outside.

_I’ll be thinking about that all week._

Catra knew the feeling.

“Hey!” Scorpia said, jogging down the steps. “I thought I heard you come in.”

The cold water her umbrella left behind was seeping into her socks. Scorpia waited for a response, cocking her head ot the side. They were supposed to be at Razz’s right now. Together. Razz wanted to meet Scorpia properly, as Catra’s friend instead of just a tenant. She’d be barging out here any minute to tell them off for keeping her waiting.

Scorpia gasped, pointing. “Your _hair!_ It looks so different!”

Catra waited. She felt her face change, turn into something celebratory. It was foreign to her. Scorpia noticed it, and her eyes went wide.

“You look keyed up. Did…” She trailed off as Catra nodded. “No.”

She nodded harder. Scorpia clapped her hands to her mouth, than rushed forward. Catra let herself be thoroughly hugged.

“Holy shit, Cat. When?”

“Last night.”

Scorpia held her at arm’s length and looked all over, like her eyes could pick out the story from Catra’s face alone. “How - ?”

Razz flung her door open. Loudly. 

“And just how late am I supposed to wait up for you two?”

Scorpia let go of Catra, unused to Razz at her worst. “I’m so sorry.”

“ _Don’t_ be sorry,” Razz snapped, then pushed the door the rest of the way open and grinned ear to ear. “Be hungry!”

_____________________________

Today 5:45 p.m.

_Glim:_ I _wanna go home. This isn’t going to work._

_Be patient! It will work._

_Glim: It won’t!!! Adora was even more withholding than usual this week._

_Glim: Them being unsupervised is not the move._

_The best thing about tension is that it breaks! :)_

_Don’t question my moves. This chat is called Phoebe’s Plan for a reason._

**_Bow-wow: []_ **

_Glim: That’s all you have to say, Bow? EYES emoji??_

**_Bow-wow: []_ **

_?_

_Glim: Whatever. He agrees with me._

_If you’re bored, you could come over here._

_Melanie’s mom is visiting and we’re making tamales!_

_Glim: We don’t want your tamales of distraction._

**_Bow-wow: I would love a tamale, actually._ **

_Come over!!!_

_Hello?_

_**Bow-wow: Okay I’m back. I had to confiscate Glimmer’s phone for Adora-related reasons. We’ll be there in five!** _

____________________________

“So?” Scorpia asked eagerly, after what was probably, for her, an excruciating hour and a half. Or maybe not. It would have been excruciating for someone like Phoebe. Scorpia had made excellent small talk with Razz – so excellent, in fact, Catra had barely had to say anything at all.

It was colder up on their floor than in Razz’s kitchen. Catra peeled her socks off and went straight to the couch, wrapping herself tightly in the blanket she kept there and tucking her toes beneath her. Scorpia started the coffeemaker, using it to heat water. Catra _really_ hoped she was making hot chocolate instead of that disgusting tea.

“I have to ask you something, first.”

“Okay?”

“How long did you know?”

Scorpia paused, which was pretty incriminating. Then she turned and crossed her arms, frowning. Thinking it through. “About you? Or Adora?”

“Adora.”

Scorpia shrugged. “Honestly? I suspected as soon as we all went to the beach together.”

“But when did Phoebe tell you?”

“ _Tell_ me?”

Catra burrowed her hands into her sweater sleeves, pressing them under her armpits. Adora had been wrong – Scorpia didn’t know. Maybe not even now. “Phoebe knew,” Catra informed her. “Actually _knew_ Adora liked me. Glimmer told her.”

Scorpia’s eyebrows knitted, but she didn’t look betrayed. “Ah.”

“What does that mean?”

Scorpia walked over and sat beside her. She was only wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, but still somehow radiated warmth. Catra inched closer.

“Phoebe only said the same things I was thinking. She didn’t need to tell me how Adora felt about you.”

Catra nodded, relieved. Scorpia hadn’t kept vital information from her, after all. “I had a nightmare last night.”

Scorpia’s expression turned somber.

“Adora tried to snap me out of it. And it worked, for the most part. But even when I know I’m awake, it’s…scary.” Catra moved closer – purely for warmth – and put her head on Scorpia’s shoulder. “I asked her to call you.”

“I didn’t get a call,” Scorpia said immediately, almost defensive. Catra knew if she had, she would have been there.

“Yeah, I…came to my senses, I guess,” Catra fibbed. Telling the truth – that Adora had argued – would make it sound like she’d done something wrong. Catra didn’t think she had. “And you know what? It was really, really helpful to have someone there, talking to me. So it’s kind of ironic, I think, that I asked for you. After pushing you away for the past year.”

Scorpia was still beneath her cheek, breathing slowly. “I’m guessing Adora knows more about the nightmares than I do. That’s probably what made the difference.”

She didn’t know. That was obvious – Adora had never experienced the same kind of nightmare Catra did. Or she wouldn’t have been so panicked.

“It’s not just that it was her,” Catra whispered. “At first, I wanted it to be you because…I didn’t want _her_ to see me like that. So…pathetic.”

Scorpia tensed up like she wanted to argue with that.

“But she did. And she didn’t care. Now I realize that _you_ wouldn’t have cared, either. You’ve never thought less of me.”

“Of course not.”

“I just thought I had to be strong, and tough it out…” She thought of Adora, desperately trying to stop Catra from fighting her off, assuring her that it was just a dream, that she was really there this time. That she wasn’t going anywhere. Catra sniffed, a tear rolling down her cheek. “But it felt so good to be held.”

Scorpia’s hand came down around her shoulder, rubbing up and down her arm. Her head rested on top of Catra’s.

“So, I’m sorry,” Catra forced out. “I should have – not locked you out.”

The only answer she got was a tightening of Scorpia’s arm, one that pulled all of Catra closer, not just her torso. Scorpia was so warm she stopped shivering.

“I told her. Right when I woke up. It just seemed like I had to say it, right then, or maybe I never would.”

“That’s really brave of you, Cat.”

Brave and stupid were synonyms. “And then…” She decided to keep the part about the ribbon to herself. No one but the two of them could understand that. “She said it back.”

“Obviously.”

“So I’m, uh, really happy about that.”

“I’m happy, too,” Scorpia said. Catra couldn’t see her smile, but she heard it. “It’s nice to be in love.”

Catra snorted. It was nice _now_ , not so much before.

When Scorpia went back to the kitchen, Catra dug her phone out and checked for messages.

 _I’m home_ , Adora said five minutes ago.

 _Is it raining there_? Catra looked at the window. Rain still lashed against it, though less angrily than earlier. It was louder up here. Catra could hear it above, on the roof.

_A little. Just very windy._

_I hate wind._

Adora didn’t answer her for a while, until after their hot chocolate was gone and Scorpia was working on her computer, the screen lighting up her face. Adora didn’t answer her text, but she called.

Catra hurried to her room, ignoring Scorpia’s smirk, and closed the door, sitting on the floor against the bedframe. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Adora spoke shortly, like she was irritated. It sounded like she was outside. Windy.

Catra pushed aside the things that came to mind – that Adora already regretted what they had done, that she felt the shame Catra was failing to feel.

“How was dinner?”

“Good,” Catra answered. Razz seemed to have picked up on Catra’s intolerance of heat. The curry barely made her tear up. “Did you eat?”

“Not yet,” Adora huffed. “Fuck, it’s cold.”

“Why are you outside?”

“I needed a walk.”

The way she said it made it sound like a requirement, not a choice. “What for?” It was dark out, and so cold. She didn’t want to think about Adora suffering like that.

“Did you tell Scorpia? About us?”

“I – yeah? Should I not have?”

“No, that’s good. I told Glimmer.”

Catra waited, swallowing. Her throat tasted like chocolate sludge, which was a shame. It had tasted like Adora before dinner.

“We ended up fighting.”

“W-why?”

“It’s not morning anymore.”

Right. Their decision earlier to not be mad about the secret-keeping. “What did you say?”

“Well,” Adora huffed. “I started off with the usual _what the fuck is wrong with you.”_

Catra laughed without meaning to. “The usual?”

“Oh, she hears it a lot. From me _and_ Bow, though this time he was in the wrong, too. So I said that, and then she started yelling at _me,_ about how I wouldn’t have listened even if she _did_ tell me.”

Oh. She was talking about the secret-keeping. Catra listened intently, picking at her toenail.

“Then _I_ said it doesn’t matter, because even if she knew and didn’t say anything it’s _worse_ that they were all talking about it behind my back! Our back,” she added, drawing breath. “I _hate_ when people talk about me. Especially Glimmer.”

“Why?”

“I would just really prefer she said it to my face, because it – I mean, it’s not _that_ bad… She doesn’t do it all the time, just sometimes. About some things.”

“I’m lost,” Catra admitted, her chin on her knees.

“Yeah, sorry. Glimmer…she knows me better than almost anyone. And sometimes she’s so sure about what she thinks would be good for me that she just _does_ it without asking…so I’m always thrust into these situations before I’m ready and the _most_ frustrating part of it is that she’s usually right to begin with. She’s _right_ , and that gives her all the reason in the world to keep doing it.”

Adora was venting to her, she realized, with a massive upheaval in the pit of her stomach. Catra was her confidante again.

“It’s not really about you, I guess. She just hasn’t done this in a long time.”

“Did you yell at Bow, too?”

Adora scoffed. “He was smart enough not to be there. So they definitely knew this was coming.”

“Then why…why would she do it?”

There was silence. Catra could almost hear Adora’s feet hitting the road, or sidewalk. Wherever she was. “Maybe I’m making it sound worse than it is,” she said. “Me and Glimmer fight pretty regularly. She iced me out for two weeks once for going to a concert with Phoebe instead of her.”

“So this isn’t really a fight, then.”

“I don’t know. Things are almost never bad enough for one of us to apologize. It just…thaws. I go for walks.”

Catra remembered when she Adora fought all the time. Adora had always been the one to apologize. “I asked Scorpia about it. Phoebe never told her, at least not flat out. Scorpia said she didn’t need to.”

Adora made a noise that sounded like _harrumph,_ which made Catra laugh.

“So are you still mad?”

“Not anymore. I’m cold.”

Catra snorted. “Go back inside. If you’re sick I can’t come see you this weekend.”

“We can’t have that, can we?” Adora said quietly. “Fine. I’m turning around.”

“Will there be more yelling?”

“…probably not,” Adora said regretfully. “Now she’ll just be annoyingly happy for me.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“I bet you are!” She giggled. “I miss you so much already.”

She said it so casually, and Catra’ stomach twinged again. “Me, too.”

“You know…I get off work at five tomorrow. And I can kind of sleep in Tuesdays. I could come over there…?”

She trailed off. Catra nodded, opening her mouth before stopping herself. Five days seemed like so long, but _one_ day was no time at all. “I thought you were swamped with homework,” she deflected, shutting her eyes.

“…Yeah,” Adora finally said, after a worrying silence. “I am. You’re right.”

“You could come here and do it, but – “

“I wouldn’t get anything done,” she finished. Catra felt her face heat up. “You have the potential to be very bad for my academic career.”

“I wouldn’t interrupt you! I said I _like_ sitting around in silence.”

“You’ll distract me from all the way in Salem, thank you very much,” Adora said, like she hadn’t been the one to suggest it.

“How am I distracting?”

Adora ignored her. “I’m almost back, now.”

Catra held in a sigh, thunking her forehead against her knee. Stupid. She shouldn’t have told Adora not to come.

“It was nice to hear your voice,” Adora said.

“You hear my voice all the time.”

“It wasn’t always that way.”

Catra closed her eyes.

“You have a great voice. It’s so…warm.”

“Stop,” Catra murmured.

“And whatever Bow did to your hair made it smell like flowers. But it’s always smelled so good.”

“What is this?”

“And you’re a _really_ good kisser. How did that happen?”

“I – “

“I bet you practice on your pillow. Glimmer said that’s what she used to do – “

“Oh my _God_ ,” Catra yelled into the receiver, palms sweating. “Knock it off!”

“Why?”

She sounded so legitimately confused Catra couldn’t be angry. “You don’t mean it.”

“I mean every word.”

“Well, keep it to yourself.”

There was a small exhalation. “I have kept it to myself, Catra. For a long time.”

“Adora…” Catra whined. Why did she have to say it like _that?_ “I don’t know how to…”

“Compliment someone?”

 _Compliment_ you. “Yeah.”

“Tell you what. I’ll let you think about it, and you can shower me in compliments on Friday. Deal?”

Even _thinking_ about doing that, especially if they were face to face, made her palms sweat. “Maybe.”

Adora laughed, and then went quiet. It sounded like she had stopped moving, somewhere safe from the wind. Catra pictured her leaning against her car, just in front of her apartment, bathed in yellow street lights.

“I wish I was kissing you right now,” she said. Catra _did_ sigh, this time. A million butterflies tried to eat their way through the lining of her stomach. “Instead of apologizing to Glimmer.”

“I thought you didn’t apologize.”

“I’m in a forgiving mood.”

“Well, you should go…do that,” Catra mumbled, ready to get off the phone. Adora was being more overwhelming than usual. “I have to call Bow.”

“Oh? Why?”

“Well…he gave me some of that hair stuff. I just want to go over the routine one last time so I’ll know what to get at the store when it runs out. Unless you think it’s too late to call?”

“No. He’ll love that.”

“Okay. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

They hung up, and only then did Catra realize how relieved she was that they could talk normally. Like kissing would have made it awkward, somehow. Granted, she had just been _very_ awkward against Adora’s…

 _Flirting_ , a small voice thought. _She was flirting with you._

Pins and needles prickled in her feet when she stood at the foot of her bed, looking down at the rainy street. Adora thought she was a good kisser.

The sensation of kissing had faded. It was too new an experience for her to keep the most important details. She looked forward to replacing them, again and again until she could remember with perfect clarity how it felt to kiss Adora.

She liked kissing. A lot. It was scary to think that she had so much time to _keep_ liking it.

A text came through before she had moved.

_Are you still melancholy?_

Yes, she was. Only a little, now, but she knew it would get worse when she laid down and tried to sleep. Instead of brushing it off, she typed up a storm, shoving as much as she could through such a limited medium, uncaring if Adora would know what she meant. It didn’t matter. Adora would listen, even if she didn’t understand.

She hit send and immediately called Bow.

________________________________

Today 8:00 p.m.

_Glim: OMFGOMFGOMFG_

_WHAT??_

_Glim: So right when I walked in the door, Adora started yelling at me._

_Glim: One of her more righteous tantrums, I might add, and you’re definitely next, Pheeb_

_Glim: She refused the tamales I brought home._

_Oh no._

_Glim: But it HAPPENED!!!_

_ALSDKJFSLGLSHGSLKJFL_

_Glim: A;SLDJFSLDHGHG_

**_Bow-wow: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FINDING OUT THROUGH A GROUP CHAT GLIM_ **

_YEAH @SCORPIA_

**_Scorp: What did I do?_ **

_Glim: THEY KISSED AND THEY’RE IN LOVE AND THEY’RE GONNA GET MARRIED_

_Glim: WE DID IT_

_You didn’t do anything!_

_Glim: I did some things! I provided mood! Ambiance! Pillow Ocean!_

**_Bow-wow: Pillow ocean!!!!!!_ **

_Notice how it finally happened when I made you leave them ALONE_

_Scorpia you didn’t call me as soon as you found out._

**_Scorp: Sounds like you knew plenty, to hear Cat tell it_ **

**_Bow-wow: Oh shit_ **

_Glim: Ha! Cons of playing both sides, Pheebs. Now they’re both gonna be mad at you_

**_Scorp: Cat isn’t mad. I don’t think. But you should probably apologize._ **

**_Bow-wow: Glim you think they’re fighting?_ **

**_Bow-wow: Is this how Canadians fight?_ **

_It’s not a fight._

**_Scorp: Not a fight!_ **

_Glim: Oh shit. I hear Adora outside. Gotta go take another beating for everyone’s sins!_

_Tell her to yell at me AFTER my genetics exam tomorrow._

_But tell her I’m happy_

**_Scorp: Me too_ **

**_Bow-wow: Me three!_ **

__________________________________________

_I wasn’t planning on telling you all that stuff last night. It just happened. I’m not sorry. But giving it to you took out a big chunk of me like having a tooth ripped out. And having you say it back filled up that empty spot and it’s like I know it’s not supposed to be in there or at least my body knows so I just have to get used to it I guess because I would never trade this part of you for anything. So yeah I was sad. But I think it was for a good reason. I’m different now._

Adora read through Catra’s text twice before her heart stopped racing. Long, block texts like that had never, in her experience, been good. Seeing it was a jolt to her system, and now she didn’t think she would be able to sleep at all. Her bed felt empty

By the fifth time she read it, _she_ was the melancholy one.

_I’m different now._

Wasn’t that the truth. Adora thought of that last kiss in the car, the one that still had her stomach in fiery knots. No one had ever kissed her like that. With total abandon and sweet tentativeness. Tiny gasps of air and almost-moans of delight.

Catra didn’t seem sad. Not while they were doing that.

On the seventh read through, Adora was even more puzzled at the part about her being inside Catra. She didn’t even know what ‘part’ was being referred to, but she was glad for Catra to have it. She could have more than just a part. She already _did_ have more than that.

Maybe that was what bothered her. She sensed the weight of what Adora was giving her, and it was too much.

Time would tell. Adora closed her eyes, thinking of that kiss and ignoring the few tears that burned down her cheek.

There was no other way – she was going to pretend. As hard as she possibly could. She was going to pretend this was forever, because anything else was…wrong. It was so easy over the phone, to flirt and tease like Catra was anyone else.

She wasn’t. And, with Catra, Adora wasn’t anyone _she_ had ever been before.

 _I get it,_ she texted back,smiling. _I'm different, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REALLY can't thank you enough. If you've tweeted about this fic, or talked to me about it, or read it, or left a comment - you've helped me through a really tough time. I've never met such a welcoming, loving fandom and I just wanna say thanks :')


	13. Tightrope, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry about the wait everyone. I wanted this chapter to be longer but just decided to post this as a part one, so I can't obsess over it any longer. 
> 
> Featuring, briefly, Tallstar and Jewelstar as Tam and Jay. 
> 
> Also, there is some pretty ignorant and inaccurate talk about asexuality in this chapter. This is only meant to reflect Catra's developing awareness about things, and in no way is meant to be a complete account of asexuality or my thoughts on the subject. A lot of Catra's experience reflects my past thought processes, and I was very ignorant when I was first learning about these things.

Adora woke with a start Monday morning. Her brain very unhelpfully thrust everything that had happened to the forefront. _Here_ , it said happily. _In case you forgot._

She hadn’t. Her dreams had been full of Catra. How she felt, how she tasted. There would be no forgetting any of it.

Her alarm went off several minutes later, and then it was time to get up. She was right in assuming the lack of sleep would catch up to her – exhaustion stuck heavy to her eyes and she just _knew_ it was freezing outside. Cold and damp. Snow was probably only weeks away, hopefully more. The interstates were usually fine, but getting to them could be difficult. The year before, Micah had come up in his big truck to escort them home for winter break. Their cars, and more importantly their driving skills, wouldn’t have gotten them through the ice.

Per routine, she texted Catra good morning and dragged herself down the stairs, bundling up in several layers and making coffee, sliding into her parking spot right at six.

It went without saying that early morning shifts were more difficult in the winter. It was practically still dark out. Everyone else was still asleep, the trees shivered along with her, and even the birdsong didn’t have any real heart to it.

“You look tired,” Cassandra said right away. She’d obviously arrived just before Adora, still in her thick New York coat. The office didn’t even smell like coffee yet. “Late night?”

Adora stood in her office doorway, warming her hands on her thermos. “Not really. How was your weekend? The cave trip?”

She breathed a laugh, shaking her hair back and unzipping her coat. “We hit King Philips.”

“Yeah? Did you…?” Adora mimicked the process of rappelling down a rope.

“Yup.” She clicked on the Amish fireplace by the fridge. “Some idiot back-clipped me, so I nearly died.”

“That sounds serious.”

“I could have fallen sixty feet. So, yeah.” She rubbed a hand over her red nose and sat back in her chair, sighing. “How’s Glimmer?”

“Good.” Adora took the question to mean Glimmer hadn’t spoken to her in a few days. “We did Pillow Ocean this weekend.”

Cassandra raised her eyebrows. “What was the occasion?”

“Um.” Adora couldn’t tell her. Not yet. “No reason.”

But the thinking had already started. She sat at the front desk and booted up the computer, watching the screen load through every action, slower than usual. After clocking in and finishing her coffee, she set out for morning rounds. A car had appeared in the lot, indicative of someone out on the trails. It was too early for a student to have to use this secondary parking option, and the track and field kids obviously ran from campus.

It was too late to introduce Catra as her old friend from the cult. She had waited too long, and now Glimmer’s family – _her_ family – was going to have to know the whole truth. The cult part was bad enough – Adora had waited so long for Catra’s benefit, so she wouldn’t have to deal with all these strangers knowing that truth about her.

When she introduced Catra, it would be as more than a friend.

Adora picked up some fallen branches and tossed them into the trees. It would make Angela happy. She and Micah worried about her, she knew. But them knowing about Catra was only going to invite painful questions when she _stopped_ being more than a friend.

Christmas break would be upon them, soon, and Adora would be home for an entire week or so. It was very, dangerously easy to imagine Catra there with her. Eating chirote and barfi, making gingerbread with Cassandra and laughing as she and Micah argued about what their mother’s recipe really was. Then there would be Micah’s mandatory viewing of some nonsense Bollywood movie…

 _Morning_ , Catra said. Adora held her phone in one frost-bitten hand. _I bet it’s cold out there. I wouldn’t know. I’m not getting out of bed._

She tucked her phone back into her pocket, hearing voices ahead. One of them was whispered, the other excited and struggling to keep quiet. The crunch of frozen leaves announced Adora’s presence well enough, and she held up a hand as the two visitors looked over their shoulders at her.

One raised his hand back, grinning. Adora recognized him as one of the regular birders that showed up every now and then. One of the ones that liked to talk. Jay, if she remembered correctly.

“Hey!” He said, in that same excited whisper. The person next to him didn’t smile, which Adora excused just because they looked very cold and every bit the unwilling accomplice. They looked so much alike that Adora felt safe assuming they were siblings. Same shade of brown skin, and same kind of hair twists, though Jay’s was streaked with a lavender dye. “It’s you!”

“It’s me,” Adora said, keeping her voice down. Jay was holding a pair of binoculars away from his face. There must be a bird nearby. “How’s it going? It’s been a few weeks.”

“I’m great! Come see,” he waved her closer, handing over the binoculars. “This is my sister, Tam. She’s not being a very good sport.”

Tam made a noise of disagreement, stepping to the side. “All birds look the same to me.”

“Let’s see what Adora thinks,” he said, and Adora was surprised he remembered her name. “Right up there, see? They’re singing.”

All she could hear was some very generic chirping. She held the binoculars to her face and looked up and to the left, into the branches of a tall clump of pines. She held her breath, steadying the lenses and awaiting movement to guide her eye.

There was a fluttering, and she zeroed in on a small, beige bird with streaks of bright yellow in its plumage. She matched the movements of its head to the chirping.

“I see it,” she whispered. “What is it?”

“Pine Siskin,” Jay answered. She handed the binoculars back so he could get another look.

“Are they rare?”

“Come on,” he said to his sister. He held the binoculars out. “It’ll fly away, soon.”

Tam frowned, glancing at Adora before reaching out with both hands. The movement was just slightly awkward, and when she held the instrument between her palms instead of wrapping her fingers around the metal, Adora knew why. She had two prosthetic arms. Hands, at least. Her coat sleeves obscured the answer from view.

But she could look through the binoculars easily enough, frowning in concentration as she looked for the bird amidst the hundreds of brown tree limbs.

“Rare?” Jay hummed, thrusting his hands into his pockets. “I guess you could say that. Definitely rare for this part of the state. They breed in Canada, and only travel this far east when breeding season was really good, or when food is scarce. I’ll have to look it up online to see which one it was this year.”

“That’s awesome!”

“It’s alright,” Tam admitted, still gazing up. “Kind of cute.”

“I’ll leave you two to it.” Adora started walking, thrusting a thumb over her shoulder. “But if birds aren’t your thing, there’s some Sourwood trees you can see across the field after the second bridge. The leaves are bright pink. You might catch a snowy owl, too, this early in the morning.”

“Hey, thanks,” Jay said, waving. “See you around!”

It was a nice encounter, one that gave her some extra energy to pull a really thorny, bristly son-of-a-bitch limb away from the trail just past the tributary. She finished up early and actually got to class before the metaphorical bell, almost forgetting that Phoebe would be there.

“Hey!” She said, arriving just after Adora. “How was your _weekend?”_

“Fine.”

She saw Phoebe pout in her periphery. “Spoilsport.”

George was leisurely talking to some kids in the front row and very much not starting class on time. “Whatever, Phoebe.”

“Adora!”

Adora opened her notebook, shrugging. “You already know, so what’s the point?”

Phoebe sighed very loudly, but her voice was quiet. “So we’re doing this right now? Fine. Cat swore me to secrecy. _You_ swore me to secrecy. What was I supposed to do?”

“Knowing is different than conspiring.”

“Conspiring is such an ugly word.” At Adora’s glare, she sighed again, giving up. “Okay. Maybe you’re right, but…”

“But what?”

“Can I be honest?”

“That would be a nice change.”

She ignored that. “Cat was really _suffering_. She asked me for advice, so of course I gave it to her.”

Against all of her better judgement, Adora felt herself thaw. “She was suffering?”

Phoebe nodded. “She doubts herself too much.”

Adora bit back more questions. Specific ones about what Catra had said and if Phoebe thought she really meant it or not. “Well…”

“ _Well_.” Phoebe smiled. “Well, are you gonna keep me guessing?”

Adora stared at her, for the first time realizing that dating Catra would change _this_. Normally she would tell Phoebe every detail about whatever torrid affair she’d had the night before. Literally. She would count the orgasms she’d given, if she’d used any new toys. Phoebe did the same. Adora had heard a _lot_ about Scorpia’s proficiency with a strap-on. They were close, and Phoebe was Adora’s only sapphic friend who she was close to that _wasn’t_ her sister.

Talking about sex had become a very normal, regular thing, but talking about the kiss in the car felt _more_ personal.

“I…uh, we talked it out,” she said, and wrote the date out on her paper just for something to do with her hands.

“ _Oh,”_ Phoebe giggled. “It was that good?”

“Stop.”

“I’ve never seen you blush over a girl,” Phoebe set her chin on her palm, leaning in. “It’s _so_ cute.”

In an unprecedented act of mercy, George cleared his throat and addressed the class. Adora scribbled down every unnecessary word, hating the heat in her cheeks.

Lonnie was onto her, too.

“Something’s new,” she said later at work, sitting cross-legged on the Sanctuary office front desk. “You got laid.”

“ _Lonnie,”_ Adora hissed, glancing to Cassandra’s closed door. She was on the phone, it sounded like. “That’s my _aunt_ in there, you freak.”

“No…” Lonnie ignored her, _tsking_. “That’s not it. When you get laid you come in here with all this…swagger. This is more like…” She wrinkled her nose, slapping Adora’s hand away when she made an attempt to push her backwards onto the floor. “Someone’s making you wait for it.”

“I think I’ll spring for the sandblasted,” Adora said conversationally, referencing the bird perches she was trying to order online.

“I know who it is,” Lonnie realized. “That _girl_. The little one you brought here last month. I thought she was gonna barf the whole time I was driving you guys back – “

“Yes.”

Lonnie blinked. “Huh?”

“Yes,” Adora said again, uncomfortable. She didn’t want to talk about this, but Lonnie was a neutral party in all of it so they might as well get it over with. “Don’t say anything to Cassandra.”

She smiled a gap-toothed smile. “How did you meet? I’ve never seen her around.”

“She’s an old friend.”

“What, like high school?”

Adora nodded, imagining _that_ reality. Maybe she was on the soccer team, and Catra was in the drama club. She snorted to herself, earning a bemused look from Lonnie.

“So you’re really doing it, huh? Actually dating someone?”

“Lon, it’s literally, like, a brand new thing. I haven’t thought about it.”

“Mmhm,” Lonnie said, making a face that said _I’m not gonna say it, but you know what I’m thinking._

Adora did know. And Lonnie was right.

____________________________

Catra was having a terrible time.

In a sense. Really, she was just distracted. There was no focus to spare on reading, because every time she tried, instead of seeing the words she felt Adora’s arms around her, or warm breath against her face. Her entire body buzzed just by remembering, and she wanted the week to be over so badly it hurt.

Her days didn’t consist of much, usually, besides cleaning and reading and watching TV. Lots of gerunds. Now she had a kind-of-job, but that was only once a week. She was _bored_. Nothing sounded fun but talking to Adora, and she was busy with her life.

True to her word, Catra stayed in bed for most of the day, only leaving to shower and run – shivering – back into her room. Scorpia had bought her a space heater, to sit by the mattress. It helped immensely. Sometimes Catra thought the house was only half-built, without any of the stuff that was supposed to keep houses warm.

She had decided to wash her hair the next day. Without daily shampooing, her hair had retained all of the new, glossy curls. She put some kind of oil on her fingers and brushed them through while it was still wet, then burrowed down into the blankets and onto her silk pillow.

So many luxuries. Gluttony, one might even say. She wondered if twenty two years of frugal living made up for this one year of indulgence.

But one would also have to take into account how _much_ she had been indulging. Gluttony, all the soft surfaces and nice clothes. Laziness, certainly. She hadn’t done anything today except stare at the ceiling and wind a needle through cloth, sewing an indistinct purple blob.

Greed. She didn’t have to tell Adora that she loved her. She had _wanted_ to. It was necessary to have Adora in her life, yes, but anything more than that was just _extra._ Catra hadn’t needed it, but she’d asked for it anyway.

And she was wrathful. She had always been that way. Everyone knew that patience was the cure but she really never had that, either. Patience or kindness. Most of her life, even when her world had been so small and contained, everyone else had had something she didn’t. Hair that laid flat, qualities that the Committed praised… and courage. Courage to leave her behind. She had envied Adora for so long. Envied and _hated_ , even when she worried and prayed. Whatever was out there that Adora was looking for, it didn’t include her.

She tried very hard not to envy Adora now, doing whatever she was doing that kept her from being right next to Catra in this very bed. She was too proud to say that, though. Too proud to text Adora and ask her to come over, to take back what she said over the phone about waiting for the weekend. It struck her as funny that Adora would tell her to have _more_ pride in herself, when she was so clearly riddled with it.

That was six sins committed. None so deadly as the last. Catra didn’t need a bible to remember this Proverb. She had always known it.

_6:25 – Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes._

Lust wasn’t just about sex. If it was, then she would have some level of deniability. But she was captivated. She had _always_ been captivated. And she had always lusted after Adora’s beauty. Not physically, but spiritually. She had lusted after Adora’s attention, and her love, and her friendship. She wanted it more than anything. Catra was captivated, and wanted to captivate.

Since she was so completely gone, it was easier to descend further, to peek down into what had always been dark. She thought hard about the kiss, and about how it felt to have Adora so close, so completely focused on _her_.

Adora had touched other people. Catra hated that. She was wrathful of it. She _envied_ it. That alone would make her curious, but the truth was she was _always_ curious about new things. It was just that they usually scared her too much to try.

The kiss in the car had seared her, like fire seared wood. It had turned her a different color and left a smoky tint to her atoms. The fire could be put out, but the wood would burn easier the next time. Catra didn’t know what to do with this feeling. It wasn’t bad. It just scared her.

_“Oh, no, no, don’t play it. It fills my heart with pain.”_

She had her phone speaker near her ear, on the pillow. So that the music was playing softly but she could still hear. She closed her eyes and touched her stomach, putting her hand under her sweater. It felt strange to drag her palm across the still-damp skin and just feel. Her physical body was in so many ways a stranger to her.

She didn’t like looking at herself, as a rule. Her face was something to be glanced over in the mirror, hardly recognizable as a part of her. Recently though, she found herself pausing, touching her hair and watching the way it looked in her reflection. She remembered being scared of it, in those dark times. The weight had dropped from her legs first, then her stomach, then her face. It had made her hollowed out and vacant, a terrifying echo of how she had been feeling.

She hadn’t looked that bad in a long time. Vanity was another kind of sin than the rest, and she wondered over committing it.

Adora touched her hips a lot. Catra wondered if that meant she liked them. Bones jutted out sharply on either side of her navel, hollow pits in between where Adora had muscle. Catra didn’t have much to offer, when it came to her body or her experience with it, but if Adora liked it then she could be proud of that. She could be greedy for it.

Curiosity was cold. She missed the heat of Adora’s mouth.

Her phone rang at 5:47. “Hey,” she said on the first ring.

“Hey,” Adora answered. A pause. “I miss you. How was your day?”

Catra closed her eyes and smiled.

___________________________

Adora vastly preferred going to the gym in the mornings. Bow didn’t. But since he had made the mistake of sleeping over Monday night, Adora enacted her vengeance.

She had snapped awake right at five for no real reason other than that her brain decided dreaming about Catra wasn’t enough. Instead of just laying there for four hours before work, she decided to get _something_ done, in the hopes that her mind would be calmer after school so she could study.

Glimmer was fast asleep, hogging most of the mattress. Bow’s arm hung off the side. Adora tugged on it.

“Bow.”

“…hnh.”

“Come to the gym with me.”

He breathed a pitiful sigh, opening one eye. “’Time is it?”

“Six,” Adora lied. It was five-thirty. “Come on. I’ll make breakfast after.”

“What day?”

“Arms,” she decided, because that was the hardest and she needed the pain.

“Okay.” He started to lift the blankets then immediately jerked them back down, hissing. “It’s _freezing._ ”

She picked up a sweatshirt from the floor and tossed it over. “Meet you downstairs.”

Adora sat on the living room floor and stretched herself out, hearing various joints pop. Bow shuffled down a little while later, quiet where Glimmer would have been outright grumpy.

Their gym was twenty-four hours and currently empty save one bored looking man at the front desk. He swiped their cards in and they dumped their belongings on an empty table.

“Bikes or treadmill?”

Bow nodded toward the bikes, so that’s where they went. Adora set the resistance high and pumped her legs, slowly at first and then faster, staring through the windows at the dark street. Sunrise was behind the building, so only the very top of the brick apartments across the street were illuminated in cold, cloudy light. It took several minutes of cardio to erase the goosebumps and start a very cold sweat under her arms. Bow stretched before joining her.

“How far are you on that paper now?”

She groaned. “A page.” One page out of twelve. How she was supposed to fill twelve pages with information about salamander genitalia, she had no idea. And it was due Friday.

“What about your classes?” She had to ask, because Bow didn’t really complain much about school.

He shrugged, breathing hard trying to catch up to her. “It’s ramping up. I don’t think it could be worse than the spring semester was, though.”

Adora chuckled, thigh muscles screaming. Bow had struggled so hard with his one required fine art credit, much to Glimmer’s frustration. “Is Kyle still trying to learn drums?”

“With gusto. He’s getting better, though. It’s Rogelio who sucks.”

“And what about you?”

“I have _no_ rhythm. At least Rog is good enough to suck. What I was doing was just noise.”

“You’re gonna be the singer. It won’t matter.”

“That bit is getting _so_ old.”

“But you _could_ be a band!” Their nights playing the Rockstar video game had proven there was _serious_ potential there. Bow had a great voice, and Rogelio was even better on a real guitar than he was on the fake game one. They had inherited the drum set from Bow’s older brother, who had just moved out of state and couldn’t take it with him.

Bow didn’t answer, breathing too hard to speak comfortably. Adora stopped as her timer went off, slowing down before climbing off and wiping the bike down. “Forties to start?”

He nodded. Adora watched him for a second as she drank from her water bottle, wondering if she should let her guard down. He hadn’t said a word about Catra yet. Probably, he thought she was still planning to yell at him like she had Glimmer.

They went through their reps silently, handing off the dumbbells to each other and taking turns on the bench press.

Weightlifting was their thing. Their bonding time. They’d gotten into it at roughly the same time, so they were evenly matched and constantly trying to out-lift each other. This morning was a little less competitive than usual, but she still gave the bent-over row everything she could, so focused on counting reps she actually managed to not think about Catra for a whole minute.

Two days since they saw each other. A really long time.

They did squats, and deadlifts, and cable press before calling it a day. Adora admired her arms in the bathroom mirror. Her deltoids looked great, and her triceps were finally coming through. Not as defined as Bow’s, unfortunately, but he ate better than she did and was on T. He also had the benefit of living with Kyle, who was shy and introverted around her but who Bow described as a wild animal. His exact words were something like “he has more cis male energy than should be contained in a human being”, which Adora used to think just meant he was messy and burped a lot. Now she knew it was more along the lines of using day-old coffee as a vodka mixer and gently sobbing when the Call of Duty servers were down on double XP weekends.

Anyway, Kyle went to the gym, too. Bow benefitted from that. Glimmer, on the other hand, did everything she could to keep Adora at home and lazy. In most kind-hearted way possible. She cooked all the time, and always used Adora as a model for her sketching (which required a lot of sitting around in various poses). There was a lot of “don’t go to the gym! Let’s make cookies and watch that movie you were talking about!”. Adora was ashamed to admit how often it worked.

But it just made her feel that much better about getting it done. She wound her arm through Bow’s as they walked out together. It was more crowded now, a line actually forming by the benches.

“What if we hit up Juice Bar instead of cooking?” He suggested. Adora steered them past her car and toward the shining storefront two doors down. It was expensive, so they rarely splurged.

“Ew,” she said, realizing their arms were sticking together from residual sweat. Bow laughed and pulled his arm back. “Hey, Bow, I went shopping today.”

He suppressed a smile.

“It was a really good deal.” She quickened her steps, dancing in front of him as she walked backwards. “Don’t you wanna know? It was a two-for-one deal.”

“Oh, yeah?” He humored her, looking preemptively disappointed. “What is it?”

“A couple of _guns._ ” She hopped once, planting her feet and striking as ridiculous a pose as she could, flexing her arm hard. “Semi-automatic. _Pow-pow,”_ she said, giving the air a one-two punch. “Machines of _war._ ”

He rolled his eyes. “Is that pro military sentiment I’m hearing?”

She stuck her tongue out, holding the door for him. “Only the war against weak gains, my friend.”

That one finally made him laugh.

She ordered something with a ginger shot, so it burned almost like alcohol but tasted like sweet grass. Glimmer was awake when they got back, sitting at the table with an empty plate in front of her. It smelled like toast.

“Hey,” she said, bent over her phone.

“Hey,” they said in unison. Bow kissed her on the forehead and jogged up the stairs to shower. Adora decided to wait, pulling out a chair and sipping her juice.

 _I can see my own breath in this house,_ Catra had texted her instead of a good morning.

_That cold?_

_I might have to use my influence to get Razz to do something about it._

“Have fun?” Glimmer asked, sniffling.

“Yeah. What is that, allergies?”

“Ugh. Yes. I’m surprised it took this long.”

Now that Adora was looking, she could see the Claratin and Dayquil bottles on the kitchen counter, along with a tub of menthol rub. Glimmer got it bad every year. “Want me to make you something?”

She shook her head, sickly pale in the light of her screen. “I wouldn’t be able to taste it.”

“Want the rest of this?”

Glimmer eyed the half-consumed juice, and nodded. Adora pushed it over.

“Well, I’m not gonna kiss you.” She stood up and stretched out her already tight arms. “But feel better.”

“I’ll try.”

Adora went to her bathroom, snapping a mirror pic to send to Catra. She didn’t look great – sweaty and cold at the same time – but it was the best her arms would look until the next time she worked them out. There was an answer waiting for her when she got out of the shower.

_You used to be the skinny one._

Huh. It was true, she guessed. She had never thought of it that way. _I also used to be the smart one,_ she answered, smiling at dim, distant memories of helping Catra with spelling.

_You still are. Obviously._

Adora shook her head. _Are you still in bed?_

_I am. Feeling very lonely._

From anyone else, that would seem like an obvious invitation. Suggestive. From Catra, it felt sincere. And that made it all the more effective. Adora had no interest in going to work when it would be just as easy to get on the interstate and crawl into bed with Catra.

Her resolve broke a little. _So are you coming here this weekend? What are Scorpia’s plans?_

Catra started typing right away. Adora held the phone in front of her face and blow dried her hair with one hand.

_I don’t know. Phoebe was here last weekend, so she’ll probably go there._

_I’ll do whatever you want,_ Adora said, tying her hair back.

_I just want to see you._

Ador sighed and put her phone down, ignoring an onslaught of relief.

__________________________________

_It was harder to come out as gay than it was coming out trans. I feel like I never got to have an adolescence or a carefree childhood like everyone else I know. I’m almost thirty and I’m just starting to figure out –_

Click.

_\- Until I fell in love with a woman. It had nothing to do with physical attraction, what made me realize was that I’d never cared so much about somebody._

Click.

_I missed out on what normal 13-20 year olds learn as they grow. I don’t know how to date, really, or interact with other women in a romantic way. I never understood what my boy-crazy friends were going through until I was suddenly dealing with all the same things…as a twenty five year old. I feel so old and young at the same time –_

Click.

Catra was less normal than even _these_ people. She had _thought_ her childhood was normal for a really long time. She never felt like she was missing out on anything. This chatroom, though, was full of people talking about it. Not accepting themselves until later in life, figuring out how to date after all of the normal kids were already married and settled…it was comforting, in a way. She wasn’t the only one struggling.

The next post caught her eye. _What is it supposed to feel like when you make out with a girl?_

She hesitated before clicking it, and ultimately decided she didn’t want to. She already knew the answer.

 _Kissing Advice._ Now that was interesting. She clicked it, chewing her lip.

_I’ve started seeing a girl and I like her so much, but I’m worried I’m a terrible kisser. She’s the only person I’ve ever kissed, and I don’t want to ask her because that would be so awkward, right? Can anyone help me?_

**_Whkisrshy:_ ** _There really is no trick to it, just practice. Start slow, and nature will teach you the rest._

 **_Bondbabe:_ ** _totally agree. Also, once a girl sucked on my bottom lip and it was crazy. That might be fun to try._

Catra took that into account, scrolling to a different post. _NSFW – things your partner does in bed that you love?_

Her thumb deleted the page and closed her phone before she had taken a breath. Because she _really_ wanted to click it. But it felt…precarious. Thinking about sex was going to give her a very strong emotional reaction and she wasn’t entirely sure if that reaction would be good or bad.

Sex was pretty simple, in theory. It was just something that happened.

To other people. Other people in _movies._

And in the movies it was always a man and a woman. Thinking about how it would work with two girls had her drawing a complete and total blank. Bring Adora into the equation, and all of her thoughts just went blurry. It no longer seemed simple, and she felt like she had to fill in the gaps in her knowledge. But how? She didn’t really want to read about other people’s experiences before she’d had any of her own. Was it like kissing? Would nature really run its course? Or would Adora laugh at her for not knowing anything?

She ran her finger over her lip, remembering the kiss. Adora said she was a _good_ kisser, and she hadn’t had any experience before that. Kissing was easy, though, and the same for girls as it was for a normal couple. She could learn that from watching enough television, but not sex.

Just thinking about it made her feel jumpy, and made her stomach clench. Was this really how teenagers felt? Out here in the real world? They dated and kissed and probably had sex before they were even adults. And here Catra was, pleased beyond words that Adora thought she was a good kisser. She was hopelessly behind in all of this.

Worse than even that was the niggling memory of a post she had read earlier in the day. _Am I asexual?_

She read the post, then tried to search for as much information on asexuality as she could. Some people, it seemed, didn’t want to have sex _ever_. Or they did, but only to make their partner happy. But they didn’t get any particular joy from it and didn’t feel the _need_ for it.

Catra was terrified she was one of those people. What if her and Adora started to – and she suddenly realized she didn’t want to at _all?_ Adora really liked sex. At least, she seemed to be having a lot of it. Catra couldn’t ask her to stop _completely,_ could she? But she would _have_ to because what she wanted least of all was for Adora to sleep with anyone _else_.

It was still unpleasant to imagine, even though the danger had passed. Adora said there wasn’t anyone else. Catra liked hearing that. She wanted to _keep_ it that way. It would be so much easier if she was capable of keeping Adora’s attention so that there would never be a chance of her getting bored.

She would rather just ask her to not do it, forever, than let anyone else touch her in _any_ way. But that was selfish. Maybe, hopefully, she would at least not mind it enough to do it anyway, to make Adora happy. That didn’t sound too bad.

Her phone dinged, and she jumped. Even though she was in the middle of a conversation with Adora and it shouldn’t have been caught her off guard.

The message was a picture of Adora in her bathroom, one hand on her hip and the other raised to take the picture. She looked amazing – literally _glowing_. Her cheeks and nose were bright red, like she was still cold from being outside. Her lips were redder than usual, spread in a bright smile. A loose tank top fell to her waist, sleeveless and exposing well-muscled arms. _Extremely_ well-muscled. Solid and sturdy and not at all weak. Catra saw Scorpia’s arms all the time, but she had never felt so strong an urge to _touch_.

 _Wow,_ she typed, then erased. _You look amazing._ No, she erased that, too.

_I wish you had held me tighter in the car._

She didn’t even bother typing out that thought. It was a weird thing to say, and an even weirder thing to feel. Nonsensical.

 _You used to be the skinny one,_ she ended up sending, unable to think of anything else. Adora didn’t answer right away. She was probably showering, since she was just at the gym. Catra thought about it, Adora showering, and groaned in frustration as her mind promptly went blank, refusing to go down that path. Refusing to do the work for her.

The shame was almost an afterthought now, something ugly that squirmed beneath better, happier feelings.

She heard Scorpia in the kitchen, and finally climbed out of bed. The cold cut straight through her sweatpants, shorts, t-shirt and sweater. She shivered out of her room, hoping Scorpia would cook something for her before she went to work.

______________________________

“Hey hey,” Glimmer said, waiting by the car when Adora got off work. “It’s supposed to snow tonight.”

Adora didn’t know what to say to that, so she just unlocked the door so they could get out of the cold. “Are we getting Bow?”

“No. He’s studying with Kyle.”

Adora drove. She’d been on autopilot for most of the day, walking a very unstable tightrope. She wanted to turn back, but she was now exactly in the middle and didn’t know if she could make it. It was a very long fall.

Glimmer lasted less than five minutes in the silence. “So you’re still mad at me.”

“What?” Adora frowned. “No I’m not.”

She sighed. “Right. You apologized. I guess it’s my turn.”

Adora glanced over, wondering where this was going. Glimmer had all her hair pulled up into a gray bowler hat, only two pieces hanging near her face. Her eyeliner was white and deep blue, drawn in impressive, arcing shapes around the corners of her eyes. In the language of Glimmer, this outfit meant she was feeling introspective.

Adora really wasn’t mad anymore, but she wanted to hear this.

“I wasn’t trying to go behind your back,” Glimmer said. “But I guess that’s what I ended up doing, so I’m sorry. I just felt…left out.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true! I _still_ haven’t had my big connection with Catra, and now you’re dating – “

“We’re not,“ Adora said, then realized what she said and shut her mouth.

Glimmer fell silent. “You’re not…what?”

Adora shook her head.

“You – Adora you just said you’re _not_. I heard you!”

“No.”

“…no, _what?”_ She asked, bewildered. Adora took a shaky breath. “That’s the exact word you used when you told me. _Dating._ Did she – she changed her _mind?”_

It was the subtle edge of anger in her voice that did it. She thought this was Catra’s fault, and Adora couldn’t let that happen.

She gripped the wheel tight, debating with herself. “Swear to me.”

“What?”

The tightrope snapped. Adora spun the wheel, pulling over a little too abruptly to the side of the road, it wasn’t _that_ dangerous, as there weren’t any cars behind or in front of them at the moment, but Glimmer still jumped and grabbed the _oh shit_ handle.

“What the hell?” She panicked. “Did we just blow a tire?”

It was just a side road. They could sit here on the dead, grassy clearing for a few minutes. Halfway between school and home.

“Swear to me,” Adora said again, throwing the gear change to _P._ “You won’t tell anyone, even Bow.”

Glimmer gaped at her, then nodded. “I swear.”

“Glimmer.”

“I _swear!_ Jesus Christ, what happened?”

“Nothing…” Adora put her forehead on the steering wheel, _thunking_ it twice. “I told you that me and Catra talked.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t tell you about what happened right before.”

“Oh.” Glimmer pulled a foot up on her seat.

“She told me all these amazing things, like, _everything_ I wanted to hear. It was too good to be true, but I was too distracted by…” she took a breath, trying not to feel like she was betraying Catra’s trust. “She had a night terror.”

“Bow used to have those, when he was little.”

“I know.” And she hadn’t been there, but there was no way it was anything like Catra’s. “I woke her up. There were a few seconds where she was still dreaming, I think, and she was talking to _me_. In the dream. She asked me to stay.”

Glimmer made a soft sound, listening.

“I’ve just been thinking, that maybe – maybe the things she said after that weren’t so amazing.”

“I don’t understand,” Glimmer whispered.

“Did I do this?” Adora asked, sitting up and wiping her stinging eyes. “Did I…make her feel like she _had_ to be with me like this?”

Glimmer blinked. “How could you have done that?”

“I could have left.”

“No.” Glimmer’s mouth twisted. “Okay – no. That is _definitely_ not what happened.”

“She’s not…she’s not gay,” Adora said, because it was so obvious. “But I don’t want her to think that – I – that I – “

Glimmer’s eyes had gone even wider, her face set in blank horror.

“That’s sick, Adora,” she snapped. “Who thinks like that?” She leaned back and crossed her arms. “Did you sleep with her?”

“No.”

“Did you _kiss?”_

Adora nodded, watching a car zoom past.

“Was it…I mean if she _wasn’t_ super into you, wouldn’t you have been able to tell? It’s a kiss!”

Adora thought about it. “It was…the kiss to end all kisses.”

Glimmer laughed, but it sounded sour. “I told you before. She _looks_ at you.”

“I don’t think she’s faking anything. Or lying. I just don’t think this will last.”

“…so…what does _Catra_ think is going on here?”

“She thinks we’re dating.”

Glimmer punched her in the arm. Hard.

“Ow!”

“It sounds like you _are_ dating! Because you both agreed to it. Why would you do that if you didn’t think it would be _real?”_

“What was I supposed to say?” Adora exploded, all her frustration overflowing from the box she had carefully packed it into. Also because of the pain in her arm. Glimmer could really generate some power when she was angry. “She’s my _best friend_. I _love_ her. I can’t lose that!”

“Why would you lose it? It really seems like you’re getting what you want.”

“I am.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“ _It’s not enough_.”

She actually slapped her own hand over her mouth, shocked that she had said that. For a second, she didn’t know what it meant, or where it had come from.

Glimmer looked kind of afraid. “Not enough,” she echoed. “Because of what she did.”

Adora pulled her sweater collar up and used it to dry her eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know. You never told me exactly what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

Glimmer raised her eyebrows. “So there _is_ something. What did she do that you can’t forgive?”

“I – “ Adora’s tongue had a hole in it, painful and worn by the canine tooth she kept digging into it. “I forgave her.”

“If you say so,” Glimmer said in a pinched voice. “But, Adora, maybe you’re overthinking this. I _don’t_ think she just… _decided_ to approach you about this. A lot of thought went into it. And frankly, I think Phoebe and Scorpia gave her enough of an example to go by.”

_Scorpia was talking about Phoebe one day, and I realized…_

“She’s not a child,” Glimmer continued, reprovingly. “If she told you she wants this, and she gave you the best kiss in the history of the universe, then you have to believe her.”

“I wasn’t – “

“You don’t know, Adora. You’ve never dated anyone you _loved_. You never cared about whether or not they dumped you. But that’s just how it is sometimes. You have to take a risk.”

The need to argue was very much there, because _surely_ Glimmer was wrong. But nothing came to mind. “I don’t mind risking my feelings,” Adora said through her teeth. “I _do_ mind risking hers. And our friendship.”

“If she breaks it off with you, then I’ll just kill her.”

Adora shut her eyes.

“Kidding!” Glimmer shook her arm. “Come on. Laugh. It’s _funny_.”

“Nothing about this is funny.”

“Okay. Let’s do a thought exercise.”

Adora groaned. Thought exercises were so _annoying_. Glimmer crossed her legs awkwardly, knee digging into Adora’s thigh, and did the _jnana mudra_ with her hands. After a second, Adora leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

“Imagine a world,” Glimmer began. “Where you and Catra have this conversation. What are you saying to her?”

“I don’t wanna – “

“You don’t have to say it out loud. Just think to yourself…what are you saying?”

Adora forced herself to relax, hearing another car pass them by.

 _I don’t want to lose you._ That’s what she would say.

“And what is Catra saying?” Glimmer asked a moment later.

 _I don’t want to lose you, either_ , Catra would say, for the opposite reason.

One of them was motivated _not_ to do this, the other motivated to _really_ do it. Adora let the sentences spin together, until it was both of them talking at once. It was a stalemate, because Adora couldn’t turn Catra down. She didn’t _want_ to.

_I’m sorry, Adora. I thought I wanted this…but it’s too much. This is wrong._

She shook her head. No. Catra wouldn’t say that.

 _I love you, Adora. I want this, so much. This is so_ right.

It was nice, but Adora didn’t want to hear it if it wasn’t true.

 _“Ommmm,”_ Glimmer hummed.

“Okay.”

“Okay? All done?”

“Yeah.”

She didn’t move from her position. “And what did you learn?”

“That thinking only makes things worse.”

“ _And?”_

“And you have coffee breath.”

Glimmer dropped her hands and sighed. “Drive us home, Adora.”

_________________________________

Catra’s resolve broke the next day. She spent about an hour reading the posts she had skipped over before, and then another several just pacing back and forth. It was bad. Much worse than she had anticipated. Lightheaded panic danced around her body, numbing her feet and tingling in her hands.

Morbid interest. That’s all it had been. But now she was morbid _terrified_.

Phoebe was coming over today, she knew. She waited for that, stilling her pacing as she heard the door open. It was too early to be Scorpia, so it was Phoebe’s arm that she grabbed onto, pulling her out of the hallway and into her room, closing the door firmly.

Phoebe let out a yelp of surprise, and then giggled. “That’s the most enthusiastic _hello_ I’ve ever gotten from y – “

“I need to talk to you about something.”

Her giant eyelashes fluttered. “Okay.”

“I would ask Scorpia, but she acted weird the last time I brought it up.”

“…What is it?”

Catra’s throat dried up, and then her mouth was suddenly all full of saliva. “It’s…it-it’s gross.”

Phoebe looked interested, letting her backpack slip to the floor and sitting on the mattress, winding her fingers over one knee. “I can do gross. I grew up with two brothers.”

Catra doubted they had ever talked about _this_. “It’s about…A-Adora.”

Phoebe’s face fell. “Oh, Cat…I don’t think we should talk about her. She doesn’t like it.”

“Well,” Catra swallowed, feeling even worse. Adora didn’t like it when people talked about her. “Then it’s about me. Me.”

“Oh…okay.” Phoebe set her shoulders, a wary lean to her face. “Tell me.”

“Um.” Catra looked anywhere but at her. “I guess I…just was reading some things online and I – I just don’t know how...”

She knew Phoebe didn’t understand, so she plowed forward, squeezing her eyes shut. “It seems so obvious, what to do when it’s a man and – and a woman. But I wasn’t sure about how it would be with another girl and so I was online reading about other – p-people like me. And like you, I-I guess – “

“Sex?”

Catra opened her eyes.

“You don’t know how…mmhm,” Phoebe said, nodding decidedly. “I guess that tracks. What were you reading online?”

Catra unlocked her phone and showed her.

Phoebe swiped for a minute, frowning curiously. “I see. Not sure Reddit is the best place for this.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I can’t think of a _better_ place, but this isn’t the best. I would have been freaked out, too.”

Catra stood in front of her, arms wrapped tight to her torso. “So how did you - ?”

“I just…learned through doing,” she shrugged. “That’s how most people go about it.”

“When they’re teenagers,” Catra guessed.

“Not necessarily. Maybe that’s considered the norm, but lots of people don’t have sex until their twenties, or even later.”

She was just trying to be nice. Normal people got to adulthood and already knew all about these things. That was the most frustrating part. She had _been_ an adult. In every way the Church allowed. She taught classes, had wards, managed schedules, arranged devotional activities. She did things on her own. She had agency. She knew what to do when new things presented themselves, not that that happened very often.

Out here, she was like a kid. Small, helpless, questioning. She needed to be more than that, especially for Adora.

“But she’s done it.”

Phoebe nodded. “That doesn’t change anything.”

“It does. She knows what she’s doing, and I – I don’t. I don’t have _lingerie_ , or – anything like that. I can’t even figure out what these people – “ she gestured to the phone “- are talking about half the time. It’s like a different _language._ ”

“No, it’s really not.”

“I just want – “ Catra bit her lip. She didn’t have a clue what she wanted, except for it to be _good._ Better than good.

“Here,” Phoebe patted the spot next to her. “Sit.”

Catra did, crossing her arms and then uncrossing them. Phoebe danced her fingers over the fabric of her flowery skirt, humming to herself. It must have been like a freaky thinking thing, because she suddenly sat straighter and clapped her hands on her knees.

“So, first off, experience has very little do to with it. You can both be super ‘experienced’, but that first time will still be…awkward. It always is. It’s…” she meshed her fingers together slowly. “A meeting. You may know each other well, or not at all, but it’s an introduction. Everybody’s different. You have to figure each other out. And if you’re both in it for the right reasons, because you care about each other, then there’s nothing to worry about.”

She looked very self-satisfied about that. Catra wished reckless optimism could solve all the world’s problems, like Phoebe seemed to think.

“It’s really not so difficult,” she said. “I’ve never slept with a man, but _that’s_ what I think would be challenging. For the obvious reasons – “ she laughed, “but also because they’re so _different_ , right? At least I know what to do with a – “ she cut herself off, biting her lip and smiling. “Well, you know.”

“I don’t.”

Phoebe raised her eyebrows. “You know…touching yourself, touching another girl. In principle, it’s pretty similar. Same mechanics.”

Catra looked down, crossing her arms again.

“You’re still not following,” Phoebe observed. “Which part are you stuck on?”

Humiliated. That’s how she felt. And this was just _talking_ about it. With Phoebe, of all people. How much worse would it be with _Adora?_

It swelled up very suddenly, and strong. No time to run. Catra bent forward, clapping a hand over her mouth. Her stomach flinched up and in, but nothing came up. She hadn’t eaten that day, thank God.

When the feeling passed, she sat back up, keeping her hand over her mouth just in case. Phoebe had shot up. Her hands were raised in a gesture somewhere between worried and horrified.

“Are you _okay?”_

“Yeah,” Catra said, lowering her hand. “Fine.”

“Did you just – just throw up? In your mouth?”

“No.”

Phoebe continued to look horrified, nose wrinkling. “Does that happen a lot?”

“No.” Catra swallowed. “Nothing came up. I’m – it’s fine.”

For a second, she thought she would get away with it. But Phoebe was a thinker, and a reader of situations. It was the best and worst thing about her.

“Oh!” She realized. Catra looked away. “Oh. You’ve never…done that.”

“No,” Catra admitted. “I haven’t.”

“Well, why didn’t you just say so! That makes perfect sense.”

“It…does?”

“Yeah! Masturbation is _so_ important.” She sat down again. Catra forgot to feel sick, she was so baffled. “It’s good to know your own body before you know someone else’s. And you’ll probably be a little less intimidated. You should give it a try.”

“I…don’t think I can,” Catra said. Her palms were sweating. “I’ve never, um, I mean is that something I should _want_ to do? I’ve never wanted to.”

“Hmm, okay. Maybe…just give it a try. Just to be sure, you know? What could it hurt?”

“I don’t know…how.”

Phoebe looked less-than-comfortable for a change. She pondered something, tipping her head to the side. Maybe this was the edge of what was acceptable. She treated Catra’s questions like they were normal, but this might be the one that finally revealed how stupid Catra was.

“There are a lot of ways to go about it…nothing wrong with keeping it simple. Just use your fingers.”

Catra grimaced, horrified at the implication of that. “Uh.”

“Seriously. Just put on some music and – and just relax. Or maybe a vibrator? I could go buy you one!”

“No,” Catra said quickly. “No. Um, thanks for the help.”

“Sure. I _hope_ I helped.” She hesitated before standing up. “And whatever you do, _don’t_ look up any porn. It’s not going to help, and lesbian porn is the most unrealistic thing ever.”

Catra just nodded, swallowing against the urge to dry heave again. Phoebe smiled and walked out, letting Catra’s door hang open. “Wanna watch TV or something?”

After a second of sitting and trying to unclench her shoulders, Catra stood up and went to the living room. If Phoebe could waltz through uncomfortable situations like it was nothing, so could she. “Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, everyone. And as we hit 100k with this chapter I just wanna tell you all how much I love and appreciate you <3 when this reaches 20k hits I will probably cry


	14. Remains of That Night

“I’m so fucked, Catra. It’s bad.”

“What? Why?”

Adora stared at her laptop screen, late night eye-blur setting in hard. Also a headache. “I only have six pages.”

“…Isn’t it due _tomorrow_?”

“Tomorrow,” Adora breathed. “Noon.”

“But you’ve been working on it every day, I thought!”

“Sort of.” She rubbed her eyes and leaned back in bed, blinking spots away from her vison. “I thought inspiration would hit, at some point.”

“Is there any way I can help? I’m pretty good at Google.”

Adora laughed. “I’ve exhausted Google. Google is done with me.”

Regardless, she could hear some thumps that must have been typing. “Well,” Catra said a second later. “Here. ‘Tips for bullshitting an essay’.”

“Oh, _please_ share.”

“Okay. It says…One: write out a list of ideas.”

“Done.”

“Two: write a catchy introduction.”

“That’s the _first_ thing I did.”

“Three: write a catchy conclusion. Four – what’s funny?”

“These are just instructions for _writing an essay,”_ Adora giggled.

“Wait, there’s more! Stop laughing and _listen –_ have you tried having the ‘right mindset’?”

She broke before the end of the sentence, and then they were both laughing.

“You know, I hadn’t thought of that one. Thanks.”

“No problem. You’d better hang up and get to work, though.”

Adora bit her tongue. “That would be the smart thing. You’d better stop distracting me.”

“You called _me_. I didn’t even wanna talk to you.”

“Now you’re just hurting my feelings.”

“Sorry. But really. Hang up.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well, what if we _don’t_ hang up, but I read while you suffer?”

“Okay,” Adora thought about it. “Deal. What are you reading?”

No answer. Only the loud shuffling of book pages on the other end.

“I see how it is,” she sighed, sitting back up. The cursor taunted her, blinking over the empty expanse of screen. Six _pages_. And it was already late.

And tomorrow was Friday.

“I don’t hear typing,” Catra said after a minute.

____________________

It wasn’t as simple as it probably should have been. It took her a half hour to gather the wherewithal just to stick her hand between her legs. Which was _stupid._ She already knew what was going on down there. From showering and whatever. Nothing about it had changed since puberty.

Soft, sort of moist, with scratchy dark hair. A _lot_ of hair, actually, and as the back of her hand brushed her inner thigh she felt hair there, too, and wondered if that was bad. Adora shaved her legs. Should she start doing that?

She felt further, down to the warmest part of herself. The skin there was thinner and more sensitive.

Following what she knew of anatomy, she let her fingers trail upward. There. Maybe? Probably.

Frustrated, she pulled her hand away and rolled to her stomach, sighing against the pillow. Would this be easier with a vibrator, like Phoebe said? What even was a vibrator. It sounded industrial. Did she stick it inside? Would it hurt?

The only thing she had ever put inside herself was a tampon, and that was only once. It was uncomfortable and she just preferred dealing with her period the way she always had. That, at least, was something the Church had gotten right. Lots of women, according to the internet, didn’t like using tampons. Some men, too. The world was a fascinating place.

But menstruation probably wasn’t supposed to be what she was thinking about.

 _Get it together,_ she scolded herself, _everyone does this. You can, too._

Kissing. Hard breathing, loud rain. Adora asking her if it was okay. The texture of her mouth, her tongue, her arms. Her very, very interesting arms. Being pressed back into the car door, every problem she’d ever had narrowed down to a single connection.

Catra trailed her hand down once more, lifting her hips so she could get an angle and –

It was different. She froze, then searched out the new moisture that hadn’t been there moments before. Feeling perversely shy, she pushed one finger down through the moisture, just over the depression that marked what she was so eager to avoid.

But it felt _good,_ shockingly enough. Maybe not even in a sexual way. The pressure just felt nice. Reassuring. But there was another pressure, too.

Her palm brushed again over her – well, clitoris, she supposed. But knowing what it was was less important than finding it with her fingertip, pushing against an indistinct fold of skin and inhaling sharply as a stronger burst of feeling pulsed through her.

Was _that_ what everyone was so obsessed with? It was fine, she guessed. Unique. The feeling jumped under her skin and all the way up to her stomach, tingling. For a while, she just explored that, trying to focus and make something happen. Something that would make her understand.

Nothing came. Actually, the feeling got less interesting, and then she was just bored.

One of the darker thoughts – from a place in the back of her head that she had been successfully ignoring – suggested that this was one of those experiences she would _never_ get to have. Something inside, something essential, had already been broken.

It was defeatist. But she didn’t know the difference anymore, between hope and naiveté.

_____________________________

The campus dining hall was no gourmet restaurant, but there was nothing better than sneaking in behind Melanie to get in on the cold fries and watery green beans. At least it was always warm. Today, the windows overlooking the quad were completely fogged up from so many people talking and laughing in one room.

But the food tasted like paper. Adora shoveled in two bites and opened up her laptop, Melanie steadfastly ignoring her across the table. One more page. That’s all she needed. The due date was in one hour, and the irresponsible student in her was saying that the missing five hundred words wouldn’t even make a real difference to her grade.

“Did you know lizards have two penises?” She asked. Melanie didn’t even blink.

“Yeah.”

Adora took a sip of her coffee, burning her entire mouth and esophagus and probably internal organs.

“Jesus,” Melanie said.

Adora hurriedly wiped up the mess she had just made on the front of her shirt. At least it was black. “I just want this day to be over.”

“Hot date tonight?”

“Yeah, actually.”

Melanie looked up, lips parting in surprise. “For real?”

“Yup.”

“With Cat?”

Adora nodded.

Melanie _grinned._ “I knew it. Seriously, you two have got it bad.”

Perturbed, Adora looked down. She spotted a typo in her paper and corrected it. “Phoebe didn’t tell you?”

“ _Phoebe_ knew?” Melanie blew out a breath, a long curl fluttering away from her face. “Whatever. I’m glad for you. Cat’s way cooler than anyone else you ever hang out with.”

Catra? _Cool?_ Adora had never heard such high praise from Melanie. “Agreed.”

“But, you know, don’t fuck it up.”

Fifty five minutes left until her paper was due, and the world was just dead set against her focusing for one second. “I’m not planning to.”

Melanie rolled her eyes. “I didn’t say don’t _plan_ on it. I said _don’t fuck it up._ I think she really likes you.”

Adora didn’t say anything, but Melanie reacted as if she had denied it.

“Oh, come on.” She stabbed a fork through her uneaten hamburger. “You know how you are. _I_ know how you are. _Serious_ is the last thing on your mind. Remember Rihanna?”

“Well,” Adora started, more competitively than wisely, “I’m serious about this.”

“Good.”

After a second of debating, Adora decided fuck it and saved the document, turning it into the online portal and shutting the lid with a massive breath. There. Done. Her biggest obstacle to the weekend was gone.

“In fact…” She should really stop talking, but Melanie was kind of challenging her. “I’m taking it _really_ seriously. I want to do it the right way.”

Melanie smiled, only a little cynically. “I shudder to think of what you mean by that.”

“I want it to last. As long as possible.” Maybe if she could do that, try to show Catra how dating _should_ be, then she would have some ground to build on if…when she dated someone else. In the future. Whoever that may be. “She’s too good for me, though. I know that.”

“Good,” Melanie said again. “She is.”

Adora, again, wondered what Catra had done to make Melanie so obsessed with her. It hardly seemed fair, to be scolded like this by someone who was _her_ friend first. But several points had been made, and Adora couldn’t argue with any of them. So it stood; Melanie was on Catra’s side, and so was Phoebe, and if Adora ever did anything to hurt her then she’d probably wake up with a severed horse head in her bed and two less friends.

Great.

At least she still had Bow and Glimmer, though even as she thought that she wondered how true it was.

______________________________

After washing her hands several times, Catra sat in the bay window and considered just googling it. _How to masturbate._

_How to want sex._

_How to like your body._

There were books shoved under her bed. Books about recovering from cults, and leaving religion. They used language she sometimes didn’t understand – especially right after moving here with Scorpia – but she had read them anyway. A few talked about sex as one of the more difficult aspects of recovery. They talked about self-acceptance, and guilt, and how shame was only a construct designed to control people. Catra didn’t think she felt shame about what she had just done. Just a little silly.

And anyway, she had never thought those books pertained to _her_ situation, specifically.

Bow texted her later in the morning, asking how it had gone. This sent her into a mild heart attack before she realized he was talking about the hair stuff. She stood in front of the mirror and tried to get a picture of the back of her head. The curls remained, just like before.

_You did so good!!!_

_Thanks,_ she answered. _I wrote down everything you said._

_Still, you must have some skill. It took me forever to get a look I liked, and when it was long I remember my dads spending hours on it. Braids and stuff. Have you ever thought about that?_

_Yes,_ she answered. _I think I like it the way it is for now but Scorpia tried to do cornrows last year. It didn’t go so well._

 _Yeah,_ Bow said, _it’s not easy. But I’m pretty good at it. Also salons are expensive but really worth it. Once you get braids in you don’t have to touch it for like weeks. I mean, you still have to take care of it but it’s chill._

Catra really hated the thought of a hair salon. She’d stood in the window of one, somewhere on the other side of Salem, once. A bunch of people sitting in front of mirrors with strangers touching their hair. And it looked like a lot of small talk. She’d rather go bald.

_What are you and Adora gonna get up to?_

It was the first communication between them that wasn’t directly about hair. Catra wondered if that meant progress. _I don’t know. Probably shopping._

 _Sounds fun!_ He said. _Hope to see you again soon!_

Catra smiled, and then grinned. She kind of hoped for it, too.

______________________________________

Adora parked on the street in front of Catra’s house and just breathed for a second, shaking out her hair where it had been stuck under a beanie. The stress of the day still clung to her shoulders, not at all dissipating when she thought about going inside.

It was just Catra. Adora _wanted_ to see her. This was stupid.

_Don’t fuck it up._

She tiptoed past the landlady’s door. Ms. Razz was nice, but Adora didn’t think her nerves could handle a whole confrontation. When she reached the topmost steps, Catra pulled the door open.

“Hey!” She said, eyes bright. “Did you turn in your paper?”

“Oh.” Adora stepped past her, throwing her stuff into an empty chair. “I’m not sure if you can call it a paper, but – “

As soon as she turned around, Catra stepped into her chest, actually pushed her nose into her collarbone, and just stood there. Like she expected Adora to keep talking.

It wasn’t a hug, as Catra’s arms were crossed over her own stomach, but Adora made it one.

She had been scared of this – Catra’s hair smelled really nice, and something about the embrace made Adora wonder if she wasn’t overreacting about things.

“I mean, I think my research was fine, but it – “

It happened fast. Catra leaned up on her toes and kissed her. Adora didn’t have time to make her lips do anything in response before Catra was jerking back with a grimace.

“Sorry. Should I have asked first?”

Adora laughed at her, point blank. The brief contact zinged her body like a tuning fork, melting the bottom of her shoes in to the hardwood. Catra had just kissed her. No long conversation, no emotional battle. An unplanned, impromptu kiss. This situation was absolutely _nuts_.

And Catra was worried she should have _asked_ first.

“No.” Adora shook her head. “You don’t have to ask.” _Not for that. Not ever._

Catra took her word for it, closing her eyes and leaning up again. Adora had never noticed their height difference until they were close like this. She had to bend her head down to make the angle work.

Sparks, again. Even though it was nothing but a few gentle presses. Catra’s eyes, when she pulled back, crinkled at the edges

“It’s nice,” she mused. “We should have been doing it this way from the beginning.”

“Since the nursery?” Adora snorted. Catra’s half-dreamy smile vanished, and she shoved Adora away. Aggressive, but in a familiar, very practiced way. Like the punches on Halloween night. Like the actual black eye Catra had sported after a vicious argument when they were twelve. Adora couldn’t imagine a fight ever getting _that_ serious again, but it used to be their language.

“If you’re going to make jokes, at least be _funny_.”

Instead of shoving back, like she might have in the past, Adora threw caution to the wind and reached out, tugging Catra in by the back of the neck to kiss her again. Catra stiffened in surprise, like maybe _she_ wished Adora would ask first. The thought was alarming, and Adora backed out of it.

“Sorry,” they said at the same time. Tension Adora hadn’t known was there broke, and they both giggled at the release of it.

If they could do that, and then laugh about it, and then possibly do it again _later_ , then whatever this was could be normal. In the near future, if not quite yet. This could just be their _lives_. Kisses and laughter and weekends together.

“I have to show you something,” Catra said, turning for the hall and taking Adora’s hand. “It’s not, like, perfect or anything, but I’ve been trying to get it right for weeks, now.”

“What is it?”

Her bedroom looked the same as last time, except for one corner. On the floor at the base of the shelves were three piles of records, neat but tall. They hadn’t been there last time, she was sure.

Catra swiped a little wooden hoop from her bed and handed it over.

A purple circle. The borders of it were indistinct, horizontal stitches branching out too far at intervals, like a computer glitch.

“What am I looking at?”

“Chain stitches!” She looked crestfallen at Adora’s blank expression, which Adora felt horrible about. “Look, here. You see how the thread goes through itself?”

Adora looked closer, examining the way the thread was wound neatly through other pieces of thread, forming a complex little pattern throughout the circle. “It looks good,” she said. “I definitely couldn’t do it.”

“Well, you could probably learn faster than I did,” Catra shrugged. “Maybe I’ll get good enough to do something other than blobs.”

“I think Glimmer would tell you that abstraction is the hardest art form to master, or something.”

“Thanks,” Catra said, putting it down carefully on the table. There were some other small squares of fabrics laying around, chartered in variously colored string. Then the records. Adora had to ask.

“Oh. Those.” Catra shrugged. “I’m just kind of going through all the albums one at a time. Scorpia doesn’t care.”

“…All of them?” Adora asked. The long shelves suddenly seemed intimidating.

“Yeah. She said she has a huge sound system she had to ship to her parents after moving here, because it would be too loud for the house. But she doesn’t trust the actual vinyl in the mail so she kept it and just stacked it in here.”

“Do the piles mean anything?” Adora asked, sitting on the floor in front of them. Catra joined her after a second of silence, gesturing.

“I’ve listened to these ones already.”

Adora focused on the tallest pile, sifting through the top few cardboard squares. “This one’s still sealed.”

“Well, I don’t listen to _these_. I just find the albums on Spotify.”

Adora snickered. “Catra.”

“What?”

“You’re funny.”

She narrowed her eyes like she’d been insulted. “I’m hilarious.”

Adora held up the one with the all black cover and two doll’s faces. The words on the back of it were blocky and strange. “Is this Russian?”

“If Russian sounds like gibberish, yeah. But I liked it.”

“Wanna listen again?”

Catra nodded, looking for her phone.

“No, let’s _listen._ I mean, there’s a record player here, after all.”

“Fine.” Catra took it and walked on her knees to the shelf. “It’s definitely _not_ dance music, though.”

Adora blushed. Oh, she had _danced_ in here. Alcohol was a curse.

The needle dropped, and immediately the room was filled with insane bass and screaming vocals. Reverb to the rafters.

 _“Mama, they say I’m a terrorist, why?”_ The artist sang in English, before switching into what was definitely Russian.

Catra sat back down, watching her reaction.

_“I did nothing wrong, but I’m put on a blacklist.”_

“I hate to break it to you,” Adora said, “but this is absolutely dance music. It’s, like, EDM.”

“What’s EDM?”

“I’m not totally sure,” Adora admitted. “But the clubs are loud and everyone’s drunk or on some kind of drug. They all pack in on the dance floor and just…move? There’s a lot of flailing involved.”

Catra frowned, shifting closer. “You’ve done drugs?”

She looked so interested Adora giggled. Catra had forgotten their conversation from last Saturday, though considering what happened after that was okay. “Just the once. Gatlinburg.”

“Right,” Catra shook her head. “The mountains. I googled them, you know.”

Adora hesitated, then scooted forward until Catra’s toes just brushed her crossed legs. Catra wiggled them. “What’d you think?”

“It’s not so different from what I saw on the drive to New Hampshire.”

She looked down after saying that. Probably a sign Adora shouldn’t ask a million questions about what kind of drive _that_ had been. Did they rent out buses? How many moving vans did a Church fit into?

“It’s different up close, instead of outside a window. The Smoky Mountains look small, but they’re _big._ I have pictures, I think…hang on.”

She searched through her message history with Glimmer, scrolling furiously back through two years of random memes. Catra shuffled forward impatiently, bending her head over to look upside down at the screen. Adora turned to accommodate.

“Here,” she said, finding them. One in the day and one late at night. “She took these on the balcony of our cabin. You can really see how high up we were.”

Catra leaned in further, so they were almost cheek to cheek. Adora swiped to the nighttime photo. “And in this one, you can see the city. Pigeon Forge.” She zoomed in on the long string of clustered lights, sprawling across the valley. “It’s…kitschy. Fun. We went to the aquarium and rode little bumper cars on the strip.”

Catra didn’t say anything. Adora glanced up, and their noses touched.

They occupied the same breath, meeting eyes and then closing them.

It wasn’t the soft, hesitant peck of earlier. Catra’s tongue touched her lip almost immediately, and Adora opened up gladly to the cool wetness she had been dreaming about all week.

It was surprisingly easy to hold back, to just experience this without taking the lead. To move without moving, be kissed and not kiss. Every girl before this had been so different. Adora hadn’t known them like she knew Catra.

Catra’s head turned, her tongue slipping alongside Adora’s. She pressed in, and Adora had to move with her or be overwhelmed. Two hands bruised her shoulders as all of Catra’s weight rested on her, the floor hard beneath her back.

Adora tentatively touched her sides, and then touched harder as a wonderful little shiver ran across Catra’s body. They both gasped, sharp inhales of surprise. Adora didn’t know what Catra was surprised about, but _she_ was shocked at how much it felt like she had already done this.

They pulled apart slowly, lips lingering.

“Kissing is fun,” Catra whispered. Which actually about summed it up. Adora leaned up with a sigh.

The woman on the album shrieked and crooned in equal measure, bass thumping through the shelves and through the floor. Catra’s weight settled over her in gradual waves. First, her hands moving to either side of Adora’s neck, then her elbows bending and their chests meeting. Moments later unwinding her legs, stretching them out along Adora’s, one knee between her thighs.

The slowness of it was new. Adora had never just…done this. No expectation of moving quickly forward, of kissing as only a start to something more interesting. In all honesty, she had never _found_ it interesting.

A final burst of singing, then the record went static. The sudden silence jarred them both.

“Told you it wasn’t dance music,” Catra said cheerfully.

“Well, you should probably flip it.”

She blushed, and then a truly heinous growling noise erupted from Adora’s stomach.

“You’re hungry,” Catra observed.

“Starving.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“And interrupt _that?_ ” Adora scoffed. It was a brave thing to say. A hell of a lot braver than she felt.

“I didn’t even think about food. What do you want?”

“What do _you_ want?”

“I don’t care,” she shrugged, predictably. Adora sat up on her elbows.

“Can you cook me something?”

Catra faltered.

“Does Scorpia do all the cooking?”

“Um. Usually. And there’s always stuff leftover in the fridge, and Razz sends me up with food, so I never need to make anything.”

That was better than the alternative. “What’s your favorite food?”

Catra appeared to think about it, frowning and twisting her fingers together. “Chicken, I guess?”

“Just…chicken?”

“Rice? I don’t know! I just eat whatever.”

“You used to say green peas were your favorite food,” Adora reminded her. Catra’s frown deepened, eyes almost warning. “Green peas and Sister Ruth’s scalloped potatoes.”

“What’s your point?” She asked sharply.

“My _point_ is that it would be very easy to go to the store and get green peas and scalloped potatoes – “

“Yeah,” Catra snapped. “Let’s take communion while we’re at it.”

Adora froze, taken aback until Catra’s miniscule smile tipped her off.

“God, you _are_ funny. Come on,” she patted Catra’s leg twice. “Let’s make dinner.”

“Fine. But I’m not helping.”

__________________________________

She helped. Only a little, and mainly because it meant Adora had to put her arms around her to show her how to position the lasagna. They were making rolls of it, pasta filled with meat sauce and cheese. The kind of meal that would make her feel like a big ball of lazy after, but she tried not to think that far ahead.

Adora was patient with her. Smiling and giggling when Catra messed up or accidentally smeared marinara all over herself.

“Don’t bother,” Adora said, catching her hand when she turned to go change clothes. “We haven’t even started on the salad. Cutting tomatos is messy business.”

Catra looked down at the dark red stain, sinking into the fibers of her only blue sweatshirt.

“Never mind,” Adora said after a pause. “I brought an extra shirt you can wear. It’s in my bag.”

“…Okay. I’ll be right back.”

Adora let go and turned back to the counter, chopping up the useless balls of cheese that Catra had noticed in their fridge all week. Maybe they weren’t so useless after all.

The sauce stain came out with some water and a tide pen. It wasn’t even that important. She wasn’t very partial to the color blue. It shouldn’t bother her so much.

She hung the sweater up to dry in the closet and turned to the bed, where Adora’s bag was sitting. The sound of the zipper was _loud_ , and made Catra wince. She never felt bad about snooping through Scorpia’s things.

But there was just clothes inside, and a phone charger, and a tube of face soap. Adora hadn’t specified which shirt was the extra, so Catra picked one at random. Soft and taupe. It had long sleeves and a v-cut neckline and smelled like Adora’s house.

The lasagna was already in the oven when she returned, and Adora was still chopping.

“Ugh. It’s one of _those_ salads _._ ”

“What?” Adora glanced over her shoulder, then did a double take. Catra tensed up.

“What?”

“What?” Adora said, high-pitched. “Oh. Um. Nothing. You don’t like tomatoes, I take it?”

Catra hugged herself. “No, I just think a salad should have lettuce.”

“Well, there’s none in your fridge, so we’re going Italian.”

They ate at the table for fear of spilling food on the couch. Well, it was Catra’s fear that _Adora_ would spill. She ate until she was full, which was about a half of one lasagna roll and then most of the ‘salad’. Adora hardly stopped talking, recapping her week in enough detail to keep Catra from having to talk.

“I’ll do the dishes,” she offered when Adora finished, scooping up the plates and balancing them carefully to the sink.

“I’d do them,” Adora groaned, slumping down in her chair. “But I don’t think I can move.”

______________________

Adora was content. She could easily fall into a torpor this way, Catra against her chest and all the lights off, a scary movie so bad it was only making them laugh. And it was – she had to take back all the times she thought Catra was exaggerating – _freezing._

So when the movie slowed down, and Catra shuffled around to face her within their blanket cocoon, Adora blamed this vegetative state for how eagerly she kissed her. Catra wound in like a snake, throwing a leg over her hip and using the leverage to wedge herself in further on the cushions.

It wasn’t the smoothest of things, but Adora ended up on top of her, not a critical thought in sight. Catra’s hands wound into her hair, holding it out of her face as she _sucked_ on Adora’s bottom lip.

Adora inhaled, but there was no fresh air to clear her head. Just Catra.

Who made an extremely pleasant sound when Adora kissed down over her chin and to her neck. She even turned to expose more skin, gasping loudly in shock when Adora used her tongue, swiping at the very _clean_ tasting skin there. Adora settled her weight down, moving up to the hollow beneath Catra’s ear, where there was just the slightest tint of salt.

_Oh, god._

It was too much, and she knew that, but Catra giggled. She giggled, and she sighed, and said something under her breath.

“What?” Adora asked, leaning up on her elbows, dazed out of her mind.

Catra looked back, eyes shining with glee. “I said I _do_ want this. I wasn’t sure until now.”

“I – “

She crushed their mouths together, then echoed Adora’s horrible idea by ducking down, sealing her lips right over the pulse of her neck.

Adora’s forehead hit the arm of the couch hard enough to hurt. Chills rippled down her spine, all of her singing for Catra.

Their mouths met again, and then again, the wet spot on Adora’s neck turning cold in the air. Catra’s chest heaved underneath her, puffing light, happy little breaths against Adora’s mouth.

She squirmed, and Adora leaned up further so she could get her arms free, whatever she needed them for.

When Catra started trying to pull her own shirt off, Adora stopped her. Quickly.

Catra went still, giving her a confused look.

“What are you doing?” Adora heard herself say.

“I think you know what I’m doing.”

The words didn’t quite sink in – Adora was too distracted by the way Catra said them. Confident and teasing.

“Wait…” she blinked. “Do I?”

“You should.” Catra sat up on her elbows. “I’m not trying to be subtle.”

“You – “ Adora looked down, where her hand still held Catra’s shirt – _her_ shirt – firmly against her stomach. The truth of what was being offered stung some life back into her brain. “You – I - uh.”

“What?” Catra asked, less smiley.

“It’s just…” Adora released her, falling back on her heels. The couch cushion bounced with her weight. “Just…”

Catra sat up further, one hand reaching out before falling limp to her knee. “Just what? I…thought…it was going, um. Well.”

Adora stuttered some more, horrifically unable to form a word, let alone a sentence.

“Oh my god,” Catra said. She drew in on herself. Adora couldn’t stop it. “Oh my – I’m sorry. I just thought – “

“Stop. Just – whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong.”

Catra stared at her, uncomprehending and drawing all the wrong conclusions.

“I – it’s just…I wasn’t expecting that.”

“…why not?” Catra asked.

It was a good question. “I – “

“You don’t want to?”

Adora stared into her wide, beautifully strange eyes. “I do.”

“You don’t want to…with _me.”_

“N-no. I do want…” She stood up, turning away from Catra to try and clear her head. Her blood still pounded in her ears, unsatisfied flames licking up her insides.

“That’s not an answer.”

“We – we just can’t. It’s too, uh, soon.”

Well, that was nothing. She pulled her shirt straight unnecessarily, wondering how this had snuck up on her so fast. _Think, Adora._

“Adora.” Catra appeared at her side, fists clenched. Adora couldn’t meet her eyes. “Why is it too soon?”

Adora’s brain just wasn’t working. She couldn’t think of a single argument to make that would defend her stopping this.

“I knew it,” Catra whispered. “Everyone’s _so_ scared of little baby Catra and her little baby feelings. I know what sex is, Adora. And I want it. With you.”

“No, you don’t.”

Adora winced. Perfect.

Catra’s eyes widened, nostrils flaring. “Don’t tell me what I want.”

“Come on, Catra.” Adora felt tears prick up behind her eyes, weak with the realization she had just outed herself. She had just said _no_ , and Catra needed to know why. “Be honest with me _.”_

“I’m _so_ confused. Be honest about _what?_ ” She threw her hands up. “You sleep with strangers all the time!”

“ _What?_ Who told you that?”

“But you _do._ Why should I be any different?”

“Of _course you’re different,_ ” Adora definitely didn’t yell. “Everything’s different with you. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“So pretend I’m not,” Catra said, suddenly hopeful. “Pretend I’m anyone else.”

“I _have_ been pretending. That’s the problem.”

She raised her eyebrows, stepping back. The air crackled with tension. Adora was too scared to say anything else. That had been more than bad enough.

“That’s not true,” Catra said faintly. “You don’t mean that.”

“I – “

“What are you doing?” Catra asked, very intensely. “Are you…breaking up with me?”

“No,” Adora said. “ _No_. I just think we should talk about – “

Adora cut herself off. Not because Catra had interrupted again, but because she looked so distraught Adora’s throat just closed up. Sealed shut.

Catra looked away, arms crossed tightly over her stomach. “I know you, Adora. You’re trying to talk around something.”

“Fine.” Adora sighed and closed her eyes. “You wanna know what’s bothering me?”

“Kind of!”

Adora opened her eyes, meeting Catra’s defiant glare. “I wanna know why we’ve been acting like nothing happened. That night,” she added, when Catra’s face flinched in annoyance.

That night. Said in _that way_ , it could really only be referring to one. To their last night together at the church. Their last fight, their last conversation, their last _everything_.

And Adora had been so elated that it _hadn’t_ been the last after all, she had almost forgotten it completely. Catra wanted an answer? Well, Adora needed one, first.

“I told you how I felt,” she continued. Catra dropped her arms. “And you didn’t want me – which is _fine.”_ She almost had to stop to catch her breath, winded trying to get out one complete thought at a time. “I know what leaving you there did to you. I’m sorry. But those two things are _not_ connected. I didn’t leave because you said _no.”_

It was a monumental effort, and after Adora had said it she instantly felt better. Not _good_ , but better. She could have saved them both a week of their time if she’d just been brave enough to say it after the first kiss. Now Catra knew Adora hadn’t forgotten, and she would understand why Adora was in so much pain trying to –

“What,” Catra said through gritted teeth. “Are you _talking_ about?”

That drew Adora up short, and actually made her a little angry. “ _That’s_ what I’m talking about!” She cried, sweeping her arm out toward the grand burden of the past. “You act like you don’t remember!”

“I do remember,” she countered. “You – you said you had feelings for girls. And I asked who, and you wouldn’t tell me, so I – “

“No! What the fuck? That is _not_ what happened.”

Catra closed her eyes, then grimaced like she was in pain. She brought her hands up to her temples. “Tell me what _you_ think happened,” she said, very quietly.”

Adora stared at her. Was she for _real?_ “I told you I had feelings _for you.”_

“No,” Catra said, shaking her head side to side. “No, you didn’t.”

“Um, _yeah_. I definitely did.”

Catra flinched, covering her face with her hands and dragging in a breath. Adora shifted uncomfortably, wishing Catra could just be angry instead of whatever _this_ was.

“I don’t – I didn’t – _fuck_ ,” Catra muttered to herself. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t _know.”_

“Okay, calm down. Don’t – don’t cry.” Adora moved forward. Catra smacked her hands away, and yep, she was crying. Adora watched her wipe at her eyes, heart sinking through the floor.

Catra was telling the truth.

“You really…didn’t know?”

“I didn’t – if that’s _really_ what you said…then I didn’t hear it.”

Didn’t hear it? Adora dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands. All these years, she had lived with Catra’s denial. Of her nature, her sexuality, her _love._ And now Catra was saying she hadn’t even heard her. Not the most important part.

“Cat – “

“Wait,” Catra said, holding a hand up. Adora closed her mouth. “Are you saying…I thought you were _joking_ last week. You _really_ think I’m pretending to like you. Adora, that’s _crazy!”_

Adora didn’t need to be told that. Especially not now.

Catra made a sharp gesture with her hands, inviting Adora to offer any kind of response.

“Well?” She asked. Adora stared. “Have you been pretending to like me _back?”_

Adora exhaled, shaking her head. Catra analyzed her for a second, then groaned. “So why didn’t you bring this up _before_ I made an idiot out of myself?! I thought we – I thought tonight…Say something!”

“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” Adora said. “I’m sorry. I should have. I was hoping you would just…I don’t know.”

Catra nodded angrily, pacing around in a small circle, hands on her hips. She was still crying, but that seemed like an afterthought. “Okay,” she said. “Okay. This is going to sound bad.”

Adora closed her eyes, already collecting up the last week of her life and putting it away, somewhere it could be remembered fondly. Melanie was going to kill her.

She jumped when a hand touched her shoulder. Catra frowned at her, lips pursed.

“I don’t want to like you,” she said seriously. Adora’s breath shook, moisture dotting her eyelashes and blurring her vision. “I was really upset when I realized. It scared me, and I was sure our friendship would be ruined if you ever found out.”

She shrugged and smiled like she had just said something profound. “Does _that_ convince you?”

“…what?”

Catra sighed and rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t _pretend_ to be into you. That wouldn’t make any sense. Am I getting through to you?”

Adora kissed her. Catra made a noise of surprise, but thankfully didn’t push her away.

 _I’m sorry,_ Adora said with her mouth, tears mingling on their cheeks. _I’m so stupid please never let me talk again._

Catra answered in some kind of agreement, wrapping her arms around Adora’s neck. She couldn’t really think or speak, but this was the next best thing. She had never been so happy to be so _wrong._

“Did – “ Catra pulled her lips away with a _pop._ “Did we just have a fight?”

“I think so,” Adora nodded. “My fault.”

“Yeah.” Catra blinked and looked angry. “ _Yeah_. It was your fault.”

“Move past it?”

“Yeah. No. I don’t know if – “ She swallowed. “I might still be mad at you.”

Adora waited, holding Catra in her arms, not really planning on ever letting go.

“I – “ Catra swallowed again, thinking hard about something. Then her grip around Adora’s neck tightened and her eyes widened and in the blink of an eye Adora had vomit splashed across her chest.

There was no right way to react to it, Adora thought, so she just stayed still.

Catra tried to back away, one hand covering her mouth, eyes bugging.

“It’s okay,” Adora said. “It’s fine. I’ll just go…”

Catra’s mouth moved, hanging open in horror.

“Catra,” Adora urged. Now Catra was the one hanging on to _her._ It was seeping through to her skin, watery and thick. She looked up at the ceiling. “Um. Let go?”

Catra did, and fell back, hands clapped over her mouth. “I just threw up on you.”

Adora couldn’t help it. She laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. I missed you. Please enjoy a short-ish chapter that was very difficult to write.


	15. New Snow, Black Water

Catra woke up happy. Adora had pushed her to the edge of the bed at some point in the night, but that wasn’t so bad. The neck pain was worth being wrapped in warmth. Adora’s arm snuck under her neck, her other arm tucked all the way around, fingers digging under Catra’s ribcage.

It was great, but he happy had some qualifiers. Their fight had been strange. Not to mention humiliating. Catra had been a snotty, vomiting wreck and Adora had just _stood_ there. Blank faced, watching Catra lose it.

But.

One incredible thing had come out of it. Well, two - she knew they were still together, and she knew that she wasn't the only one that was completely messed up.

She shouldn’t have been comforted by that – it actually felt kind of cruel. But Adora was totally crazy, too! What a _relief_.

She almost dozed back off for a while, the relief calmed her so much. Scorpia buzzed around the kitchen, making coffee from the smell of it, and Catra knew she liked to be alone in the mornings before –

Wait. It was Saturday. Scorpia wasn’t supposed to be there.

Catra sat up, listening. Well, _someone_ was in their kitchen.

Adora, with her arm no longer pinned down, turned over with a sigh. Catra reluctantly got out of bed, opening the door as quietly as possible.

Scorpia _was_ in the kitchen, mixing some kind of protein powder into a glass of water. She still had her coat on. It looked damp.

“Is it raining?” She asked. Scorpia looked up.

“Nope.”

 _Shit._ Catra ran to the window.

The street was almost completely hidden in a sheet of white. The houses, the cars – the stores and their rooftops. All blanketed in snow.

“Just started while I was on the interstate.”

“It’s a wasteland,” Catra said. But the year before, the first snow had been in October. This was lucky. “Why did you come back? I mean – “ She caught Scorpia’s raised eyebrows in the corner of her eye. “Why so early?”

“Melanie showed up around six, um, pretty upset. I think she and her boyfriend had a fight? I just decided to make myself scarce.”

Adora had wanted to go shopping. Now that would require walking through fifty feet of cold, frozen hell. “What were they fighting about?”

“I’m not sure. Something about a party. Don’t worry, though. I’ll stay out of your hair.”

Catra looked over her shoulder. “What?”

“I’m gonna run to the gym after I change.” She drained the last of her water and took it back into the kitchen before disappearing into her room. "Have fun."

Catra took another mournful look outside before drawing the curtains tight and going back to bed. Adora rolled toward her.

“Did I hear Scorpia?” She asked without opening her eyes.

“Yeah. She said Melanie and – and Melanie’s boyfriend had a fight.”

“Oh, sure. They do that a lot. It’s their whole dynamic.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean they have nothing in common so they have these insane fights and then fuck in whatever random campus bathroom they can find.” She blinked her eyes open. “Sorry. That was graphic for so early in the morning.”

She tugged on Catra’s waist before she could respond, kissing her once.

“Good morning.”

“Morning,” Catra said back, stunned. “I’m surprised you can still do that.”

Adora’s eyes were puffy in the mornings. They always had been. And dark, almost cobalt. When she laughed they turned navy. “I told you, it’s fine. You think Glim’s never thrown up on me? I’ve carried her out of more bars than I can count.”

“I’m still sor – “

“I deserved it,” Adora countered, rubbing a thumb over her hip bone. “And it’s _fine.”_

With that, she rolled Catra to her back and kissed her cheek before settling there, head on Catra’s chest and her body crushing the breath out of her lungs. “I slept so good. I’m still dizzy.”

This was how it should always be, Catra thought idly. No fighting, and misunderstanding each other. Just this. She really wanted this.

“It’s snowing,” she said.

“I can feel it. And see it.”

“Hm?”

“The light’s too bright.”

Catra looked up at the ceiling. Slanted morning light intruded through the shut curtains, almost too white to look at. “Do you remember…?”

“Yes.” Adora’s eyes were open. Catra could feel them fluttering on her throat. “We used to love the snow, didn’t we?”

Catra bit her lip. She had never liked the snow. Not really. Wet and cold didn’t mix especially well. But watching the other kids bundle up in coats and scarves to go have fun was too much for her. She could never let someone _else_ have a chance at winning whatever stupid games they made up.

Adora pushed up, her face close, the snowy light turning the frizz of her hair white-gold. “I bet Scorpia could throw a mean snowball.”

“She’s going to the gym,” Catra said, a little too quickly. No way she would be winning _that_ snowball fight, so it was best to shut it down before it started.

“Then just us. Still think you can beat me?”

“It’s _cold_ out there.”

“It’s cold in here,” Adora argued. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. At least out there we can warm ourselves up with some _competition.”_

“We can do that in here.”

Adora stared at her, seeming to zone out. Catra shifted, and she blinked. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. Yoga?”

She snorted. “That’s not very competitive. What about wrestling?”

“ _No – “_ Catra tensed as Adora grabbed her wrists, automatically fighting the constraints. “Stop!”

She knew where this was going – flat on her stomach with her arm pinned up to her neck. But she couldn’t let that happen. Adora was a lot stronger than she used to be, and Catra didn’t bend that way anymore. So while Adora was giggling, flipping her onto her side with her arms trapped at her sides, Catra kissed her.

It was panicked and sudden. Adora stopped, though. For almost a full second.

“That’s cheating,” she said, eyes shining. “What, you don’t want to lose fair and square?”

“It’s not fair! You’re all muscle!”

“Yeah?” Her hands let go of Catra and shot up under her sweater, _unbelievably_ cold.

Catra couldn’t even speak as the tickling started, because if she spoke she was going to scream. “ _G – off – “_ she managed, trying desperately to pull Adora’s hands away.

“What’s that?” Adora asked, cocking her head to the side. Her tickling moved higher, toward Catra’s armpits.

It happened fast. Catra threw an elbow, and then Adora was sitting up with a hand to her chin, gasping.

“I’m sorry – “ Catra said, trying to catch her breath. “Wait, no I’m not. I hope it hurts.”

Adora smirked, her hand falling away. “What are we gonna do today? Shopping?”

“If you want to.”

“What time is it?” Adora patted her hips like she was wearing jeans with pockets instead of sleep shorts.

“Almost nine.”

“Oh, good,” She shuffled back under the blankets. “We’ve got time.”

Catra turned sideways, her ribs burning even though Adora’s hands had been cold. “Time?”

She hummed her response, fingers brushing Catra’s hand. “I’m going to enjoy this.”

“Enjoy what?”

“A snowy morning, in bed with you.”

Catra didn’t know how to take that. Her heart just beat faster. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Adora said, running a hand up her side again. Over the shirt, regrettably, but Catra didn’t say anything.

___________________________________

“What about this?” Adora asked, pulling a red jacket from one of the many racks. “Glimmer says I wear too much green.”

“That’s really ugly.”

Adora wasn’t sure if she meant it, or if she was just grumpy from being dragged out into the snow. It was cold, yes, but what would have been _bad_ was an actual mall. The shops by Catra’s house were picturesque and tiny – a _mall_ mall would be hot and muggy and packed with people.

She put the jacket back, moving to the thicker coats. “Did you need anything?”

Catra didn’t answer. When Adora glanced up she was examining the racks a little closer. The coat she had on seemed to actually fit, so that meant it was hers instead of Scorpia’s. 

“What about this one?”

It was deep navy, wool and a lot heavier than the coat she had on. And the sleeves were longer, the hem lower. Walking rounds would be less agonizing.

“Better,” Catra nodded. Adora threw it over her arm. “I like this.”

Adora turned around to the rack of shirts, not really her focus at the moment. Catra pointed out a billowy button-up, striped in white and light blue. “That would look great on you, Catra.”

“I meant for you.”

“Oh.” Adora gave it another once over. “Okay.” It joined the coat on her arm. She could save it for the summer. “I think I saw some socks by the door.”

They poked around some other stores, looking in the mega expensive boutiques for fun. Catra didn’t buy anything, but her mood improved as the sun started to melt the snow. They got coffee at the bakery and stared through windows at Thanksgiving displays.

“I really just _don’t_ get it,” Catra said, gesturing to a big cardboard cutout of a cartoon turkey wearing a cornucopia on its head. “Thank god Scorpia didn’t make us celebrate _that_ last year.”

“What do you hate so much about it?”

Catra lowered her voice, like she was saying something sacrilegious. Which was probably true. “So, like, three hundred years ago English settlers and some Native Americans ate dinner together. But apparantly that’s the total _opposite_ of what really happened – any anyway, even if they _did_ have a meal, why should that mean it needs to be a _holiday?_ Look at this.”

She stopped in front of a bit of wall reserved for advertisements. A print of a painting – most people knew the name of the guy who made it – it was popular – of a family at a long table, Thanksgiving food spilling off of every available surface.

“Food. It’s a food holiday.”

She seemed disgusted. Adora put an arm around her shoulders. “I agree.”

“Why give the turkeys a face when you’re going to be eating them? It’s mean.”

“Geez. I won’t ask for your thoughts on the Fourth of July.”

“Ugh,” Catra said. “Fireworks.”

They passed the Peabody Essex Museum, it’s high awning dripping icy water onto the cobblestones. A sign advertised the _JapanoMania_ exhibit.

“Which way to the water?”

Catra steered them right. The snow on this street had been shoveled off to the sides, piles of white and gray fluff tracked up and down the sidewalks. Adora listened to her talk about a parade coming up that would definitely be loud enough to reach their house.

Daylight reflected harshly off the snow, giving the day a hazy, dreamlike feel. Adora’s feet didn’t even seem to touch the ground, she was so happy. She was with Catra, and they were really together, and not even a Field Herpetology paper could weigh on her mind.

_Together._

Adora pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Catra only paused, looked up, and continued with her sentence about the offensiveness of loud bass during a parade.

Catra was her girlfriend.

At least the situation was grounded in the fact that Adora had started it off in the worst possible way. She ticked off her offenses in time with their footsteps - She’d made Catra cry. A lot. And she’d deluded herself into believing Catra was lying to her, which evidently made Catra so upset she had _thrown up_.

Self-sabotage must really be a thing. But then, luck must be, too. Because Adora had gotten _lucky._

They wandered out of the town and into the neighborhoods, passing the street that led to Catra’s and heading for the long line of dull gray ocean. The snow was so thick here they just walked in the road.

“I just don’t see what they get out of it,” Catra said out of nowhere.

“Who?”

“People. Thanksgiving. At least with Easter there’s a _reason_. And Christmas, though that’s obviously completely out of hand.”

“I guess it’s fun? School lets out, everyone gets their families together and parties. Isn’t that all the reason they need?”

Catra tossed her coffee cup into a trash can. “They don’t party in their houses. They party everywhere. They spread their party all over the place.”

She kicked one of three large pumpkins surrounding a mailbox. It didn’t even wobble.

“I know what you mean,” Adora said, sympathizing well enough. She enjoyed festivities, but it did seem excessive. At first. Five years on, she knew that Glimmer’s family was less excessive than most. “What did you do for Christmas last year?”

They reached a fence between two houses. Catra didn’t break stride, heading straight between them. Adora had only wanted to stroll by, but it seemed she had something else in mind.

“Is this a private…area?” She asked, because it wasn’t really a beach.

“I come here all the time,” Catra said. “It’s not locked or anything.”

She lifted the latch and held the gate open, beckoning Adora through. There was a strip of snow-covered asphalt, then rocks, bracketed by more fence that blocked off the houses’ back porches.

“This is a bad idea.”

“It’ll be fine,” Catra smiled, taking her hand. “Just don’t drag me down with you when you fall.”

The sun had warmed the rocks enough that they weren’t covered in ice. But they were very moist. And slippery. Catra held her hands out at her sides as she stepped down to a particularly large, flat stone.

“You come here a lot?”

“Well, when the weather’s nice,” Catra answered with plenty of scorn. Adora sat next to her, awkwardly maneuvering her shopping bags to the side.

Silence. Windy, waves-crashing-against-the-rocks, winter silence. Catra pulled her knees up, hunkering behind them like a shield.

“A lot of boats, I bet,” Adora said. Though not today. Or at least not at that moment.

“Sometimes.” Catra abruptly turned, pulling Adora’s collar open and pressing her face into her neck. “God, it’s cold.”

After the shock passed, and she really felt how cold Catra’s nose was, she wrapped her arms around her and pressed her closer. Catra made a sound of contentment.

“Is this okay?”

“No problem,” Adora laughed. “Sorry I made you get out of bed.”

“It’s fine,” Catra said begrudgingly. “I’m having fun. But I just realized I spent the last hour complaining about stuff, so. Sorry.”

“I _love_ listening to you complain. No worries there.”

Bracken and seaweed and unnamed ocean foam smashed and squished below them, a murky barrier between land and sea.

“Hey,” Adora said, uncertain. “Last night…before you threw up on me – “

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“ – You said you were still mad at me.”

Catra exhaled, sitting back with a resigned expression. “Yeah. I figured the barfing made us even.”

“Tell me,” Adora said, kissing her knuckles. Catra looked confused by the gesture. “I know my apology was probably total crap – “ She could barely remember anything she’d said the night before. It had blurred. “But I want to make it right, whatever it is.”

Catra squeezed her hand, looking out to the water. Her curls danced in the breeze, and something about the water turned her eyes a _brilliant_ gold and seafoam green. “Okay, fine. I’m not really _mad_ , just…” She looked over. “I’m scared to ask.”

“What?”

“How…how do _you_ remember that night?”

‘As little as possible’ was the real answer. Adora used to have nightmares about it. Not the screaming, thrashing dreams that Catra had, but quiet, very realistic memories that snuck up on her as soon as she thought she was free of them.

Adora took a deep breath, aware of Catra watching her closely. “I…”

_“I have to tell you something. Something big.”_

_Catra was holding her face. Her thumbs swept over Adora’s cheeks as the first tears fell. They pressed tighter in time with her frown. She was worried, concerned._

_Adora leaned into the touch, leaned forward. Catra leaned forward, too._

_“We used to talk about running away,” she whispered. “Remember?”_

_Catra’s eyes widened. She started to pull away, but Adora was too weak to give this touch up. She slid closer, bringing herself nearer to the end. Or maybe the beginning._

_“We could do it,” she breathed. “Together, it would be easy.”_

_Finally, she had given voice to the idea. The insane, clinging hope of a hope. A dream._

_“What?” Catra whispered back, harsh. “Y-you’re almost eighteen._ We’re _almost eighteen. We’ll be out of the orphanage!”_

_Adora was three months older than her. She wondered if Catra was as terrified of those three months apart as she was. They wouldn’t see each other at all, unless one of them snuck out after curfew. No Catra, no schoolwork, no lunches with the other kids. She’d be…in the main building._

_“And then what?” She asked. Catra blinked. “I Commit? I stay…_ we _stay here forever? There has to be more than that.”_

_Catra mouthed the word to herself. “More”. Then she was on her feet, Adora’s hands hanging onto nothing, her cheeks burning._

_“Where would you go?” Catra snapped at her. “Or haven’t you thought that far ahead?”_

_Adora had. She’d thought enough about it to know there was no easy answer. She just had to_ go.

_“ – And Marcia’s still not the same," Catra was saying. Adora had fallen behind. "You want that to happen to you, too?”_

_“It’s a risk I have to – “_

_“You don’t_ have _to do anything! Stick to our plan, Adora. That’s all you ever had to do. What’s gotten into you?”_

_This was it. This was the question._

_Adora looked at her best friend’s face. She knew Catra better than anyone on Earth. She knew her inside and out – and she still had no idea what was about to happen._

_She just had to go. One foot in front of the other._

_“I have these…feelings,” she said. Understatement. “Unholy feelings.”_

_Another understatement. Catra looked taken aback. “What?”_

_“Feelings I shouldn’t be having. We – that we aren’t supposed to have. Do you know what I mean?”_

Please, please know what I mean…

“ _No,” Catra said. “What_ do _you mean?”_

_“It’s supposed to be boys,” Adora blurted. “But it’s not, for me. It’s girls.”_

_Catra stared at her. Stiff shoulders, rapidly blinking eyes. Her hands clenched into the fabric of her night dress and then let go._

_“You’re confused,” she said, finally. “Go pray about it.”_

_Adora couldn’t pretend that didn’t hurt to hear. A lot. But there was_ something _. It was behind Catra’s eyes, just out of reach. Maybe…?_

 _“I’ve prayed,” Adora assured her. And God, had she. Night and day for a long, long time. “But it doesn’t change anything. The fact is…” She took another steadying breath. “I don’t see how what I feel can be wrong. It doesn’t_ feel _wrong.”_

_“You’re not a homosexual,” Catra hissed, glancing at the door. “Stop saying it.”_

_“Catra,” Adora said. She had been sickened by it before – she still didn’t feel great – but all she needed was time. And hope. Maybe that's all Catra needed, too. Maybe she would understand if Adora hoped hard enough for the both of them. “What if I am? Would it be so – ?”_

_“I would be disgusted by you,” Catra said, and whatever had been there before, in her eyes, was gone. Erased. Now, her expression reminded Adora of Sister Louise. Shadow Weaver. There was just nothing there. “But it’s not true, is it? Who made you think this about yourself, huh?”_

_Adora couldn’t move. She had been wrong. This was all a mistake, and the worst part was she_ couldn’t undo it _. It had already been set into motion. She was still going to leave, and she had to do it alone._

_“Stop crying,” Catra said acidly. That hurt a lot. Adora hadn’t been prepared to buy her freedom with this much pain._

_Didn’t she feel at all? Didn’t Catra feel some of the hurt?_

_Adora looked up at her and saw nothing._

_“I can’t stay here,” she croaked out. “I’m asking you to come with – “_

_“No,” Catra yelled, shoving her. The momentum of it drove the knife in deeper. Adora imagined herself laying there on the bed bleeding out, red seeping into her white dress. Onto Catra’s hands._

_Catra said something else. Adora barely heard. “I have to go,” she said numbly. Now she was speaking to herself, reassuring. Now the act of leaving was really all she had. “I just wanted you with me when I did.”_

_“I’m here with you now,” Catra argued to nobody. “And you want to throw it all away because of – what? Who is it?”_

_They had separated, Adora realized. Something deep and umbilical had just severed._

_Adora turned her head, looking up at the stranger. A very particular silence stretched between them, words only passing through their eyes. Catra seemed to understand, even though they were no longer connected. Her mouth fell open, and then closed. She very deliberately looked away._

_“Who is it, Adora?” She asked, voice breaking. So that’s how it would end. Catra wouldn’t even acknowledge it. She’d rather move on like she didn’t know at all._

_Adora wouldn’t pray again. She swore to herself. Because it all had just unraveled like spun thread – the promise of eternal life, the promise of God, and the promise of an end to suffering._

_She was already in Hell._

___________________________________

“I’m sorry, Adora,” Catra said quietly. Adora shook her head, wiping her eyes.

“It was five years ago. That’s a long time.”

“I really…” Catra bit her lip before continuing. “I didn’t know that’s what you were telling me. I was too mad to listen.”

“I should have been clearer, I guess. Maybe then we’d be on the same page.”

“Adora.” Catra wrapped an arm around her waist. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Adora’s heart dropped into her stomach.

“If you had told me, I don’t think I would have – “ Catra put a freezing hand on her cheek. “I probably would have hurt you even worse. I would have said something… _really_ bad. It would have terrified me.”

“You think so?”

She nodded. “We’re here now. The rest is history, right? We’ve – we’ve apologized. I promise I’m a different person now. I really want to – “ She blushed deeply. “I want to spend the rest of my life making up for that. And – and this is what I was going to say last night…”

She stopped, and pressed her mouth to Adora’s in a surprisingly warm kiss. “I want to do it as equals,” she continued, pulling back just enough to breath. Adora kept her eyes closed, trying to hold back her reaction until Catra was done.

“That means you don’t mother hen me. It means you tell me if you’re having doubts, or if you’re worried _I’m_ having doubts. And even if that’s every day, _tell me_ , because that would mean I get to tell you _every day_ how much I love you, and how much I regret what I said.”

Adora opened her eyes slowly, surprised. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Catra didn’t feel every bit her equal.

“And I’ll be better, too,” Catra said, looking nervous. “I’ll…I’ll be less selfish, and I’ll stop crying all the time. I won’t throw up on you again. I’ll be here.”

A gull had landed behind Catra’s shoulder, watching them curiously before losing interest and pecking its beak down into the rock crevices for food. She didn’t think Catra was selfish. She _really_ didn’t care about the vomit. At all. It seemed a glaring error that Catra could think she had any faults at all. Adora thought she was perfect.

Catra didn’t realize she was getting the raw end of the deal, when it came to her little compromise - Adora didn’t want her to change at all.

“Deal,” she said anyway, feeling like both the gull and the grub.

Catra pulled back a little, like she needed a better look to make sure Adora meant it.

“You’re beautiful,” Adora told her, just because it needed to be said. She didn’t want to hold back anymore. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

Catra gawked at her for a moment, something about that statement panicking her. Adora couldn’t imagine what. “I wanna add that to the deal,” she said firmly. “No more compliments.”

“Catra, I haven’t even gotten _started_ with the compliments.”

Her mouth tightened, but then Catra smiled and it was _beautiful_. She kissed Adora again, almost knocking her backwards. Their arms entangled, joy melting and bleeding their forms together. Catra smiled through the kiss, and it wasn’t until it ended that Adora realized – for the first time all day – that it was _bitterly_ cold. They should be in bed all the time, where it was close and warm and there weren’t birds and seaweed everywhere.

“Let’s go home,” she said.

Catra beamed, hopping to her feet. “Finally.”

___________________________________

“That looks better on you,” Adora said decisively. “You should keep it.”

Catra laughed and shrugged out of Adora’s new coat, folding it back into the bag.

“Try on this one, too.” Adora tossed over the button-up. The blue one Catra had liked.

Catra unfolded it and held it in front of herself in the mirror. Adora’s reflection watched her from the bed.

Nervousness pulsed through her stomach, unwelcome and unnecessary. She pulled the sweater she was wearing over her head, letting it fall to the ground. Adora looked away fast, but her face turned red so Catra didn’t know how to feel.

“I’ve never worn one of these,” she said, pulling it over her head.

“A button up?”

“Yeah. They look good on Scorpia, but…” she shrugged and turned sideways, pulling it to and fro. “It’s too big.”

Adora stood up. “Come here.”

Catra went there, letting Adora unbutton the top few buttons. “See?”

She turned on the spot, looking back toward the mirror. Unbuttoning hadn’t made it look any smaller – now the neck hung open and threatened to fall off her shoulder. She could see the top of her bra. It was a completely sexless, beige piece of fabric anyway, so she could have been wearing a tank top underneath.

“Yeah,” Adora said, hugging her from behind. “You’re keeping this one.”

“No way. I picked it for you!”

“But I bought it for _you_.”

Catra faced her. She couldn’t say that she picked it out specifically because it matched Adora’s eyes, so she just scoffed.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

They kissed. A lot. And when Adora was tired of bending down to meet her, she sat and pulled Catra into her lap. Right into it. Their mouths didn’t break apart, not even when Catra accidentally moaned. Adora was doing the thing where her arms were sort of flexed. Catra could feel the muscles through her sleeves, and that made her lightheaded.

She liked being the taller one. And she liked having her legs bent on either side of Adora’s hips, and the shirt was actually amazing, because it ended up slipping down her shoulder –

Until Adora pulled it back into place. And until she cleared her throat and looked like she regretted this.

“You wanna try on more clothes?”

“No,” Catra replied obstinately. “I am perfectly comfortable right here.”

“Me too,” Adora said. Catra waited. “Okay. I have something I want to say.”

“If you’re going to say we shouldn’t – “

“Will you just hear me out?”

“What?” Catra asked sharply.

Adora frowned, moving her hands to Catra’s chest. Catra held her breath as she undid a single button. _That_ was more like it.

“The first time I had sex – “

“No,” Catra said quickly. Adora raised her eyebrows. “I do _not_ want to hear about other girls. Please.”

“Well, too bad. Her name was Ashley.”

She punctuated this by unbuttoning another button. Catra didn’t know which situation to turn her attention to.

“I really liked her, and I finally had the opportunity to – to be _normal_ , I guess, so I didn’t really let her know that I was a…virgin.”

She kept her tone determinedly light. “Things went fast. And I liked it. A lot. But it was too much, too soon, and afterward I felt really weird about it. Do you know what I mean?”

“Not really, no.”

Adora’s hands stopped over Catra’s navel. “You’ve never had an orgasm,” she said.

Catra froze, shocked into silence. Adora nodded.

“If you had, you would know what I’m talking about. It’s guilt, I think? I just had this really intense _guilt_ in my stomach. For days. And every time after that when I was with her, I felt that guilt. It didn’t matter how long I had been out of the Church, or how long I had been living and acting like a normal person. I couldn’t be around her without feeling horrible and ashamed, and she noticed and it was hurting her _feelings_ and I couldn’t _explain…”_

“I – “ Catra started. “Uh.”

“I know that sounds weird.” Adora undid the last button, letting the shirt fall all the way open. “I would just hate for you to associate that kind of feeling with…with anything we do. So, when I say I want to take it slow…that’s not me trying to – how did you put it? – oh, _mother hen._ I just wanna…do this right. For both of our sakes.”

When she was done, she took a huge breath, looking up at Catra questioningly.

“Uh-huh,” Catra said. “I’m getting some mixed messages, here.”

Adora chuckled, pressing her hands to Catra’s ribs and dragging them slowly down. Gooseflesh broke out all over her body. “I think slow would be good. But slow doesn’t mean _nothing_.”

Catra really didn’t know what to think. About any of it. “What does it mean?”

Adora looked at her, then leaned forward until her mouth touched the skin just below the elastic strap of Catra’s bra. She kissed once, then again, open mouthed and hot. Catra’s brain imploded just a little bit.

And it suddenly made a lot of sense that Phoebe wasn’t surprised at all she had never touched herself. She had seen the same thing in Adora. Fuck, she'd never even had a _chance_ of convincing Adora she was any kind of experienced.

“I tried masturbating,” she said quietly. Adora’s mouth moved to her ribs, tracing the earlier path of her hands. There was even a flash of tongue, which made her gasp. “It didn’t work. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Why don’t you think it worked?” Adora asked, tilting Catra back with her hands.

Catra held on to her shoulders. “Um, I – I didn’t know how to…what to think about? And I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, and it was taking forever – “

“I’m sure you were doing it right,” Adora interrupted her and bit lightly on her stomach. Catra flinched, but not _away._ “We’ll just have to give you something to think about.”


	16. Concert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure an undergrad orchestra would ever do Violin Concerto in G, but this is a fictional story, so!

“I miss you,” Adora sighed. Catra leaned her forehead against the window, phone pressed to her ear. They had only parted a few hours ago, just before sunset. Adora was scared of the roads freezing over after dark.

“You, too,” Catra said. “What are you doing now?”

She felt Adora’s absence like a wound. It hadn’t been this bad the week before, or the week before that. Maybe it would keep getting worse, until she could only lay limp on the floor when Adora wasn’t there to prop her up.

“I have some stuff to do before the week starts. I’m really not looking forward to the morning.”

Catra knew she had a super early shift, forced out onto that horrible trail to fix bridges and straighten signposts. “Chop down a tree for me.”

“That would be environmentally irresponsible.” She sighed. “But okay.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh, hey, it’s snowing again.”

“Great.” That meant it would be snowing in Salem soon. “I look forward to freezing myself to sleep.”

“Someone should get you a space heater.”

“ _You’re_ my space heater. Unless you aren’t here, in which case it’s Scorpia.”

“Happy to help,” Scorpia said from the couch.

“If you’re trying to make me jealous, it’s working.”

Catra bit her lip.

“You know, next week is _the holiday that shall not be named_.”

“Okay? Oh.” Thanksgiving. She laughed. “You’re going home?”

 _Home_. It felt weird to say that, more like a guess than anything.

“Yeah. But – well, you work on Wednesdays, right?”

“Mmhm.”

“What if I came and picked you up this Thursday? Glimmer’s dragging me to see some concert on campus and I really don’t want to third wheel.”

“Um…yeah.” Catra nodded. “That sounds fun.”

“It’ll be like a long weekend! Except I still have to go to work Friday.”

“Fine.”

“You’re being _very_ short with me. Is it because Scorpia’s there?”

“Mmmm _hm,”_ Catra answered, though she was sure Scorpia wasn’t focused on her. She had her computer out. “What kind of concert?”

“Like, the tuba ensemble or something.” From her tone, she didn’t think much of _that_.

“And it’s on campus?” Catra hadn’t actually seen any of the college up close. “Is it a dress up thing?”

“Uh…maybe? I’ll have to ask. Am I on speakerphone?”

“No?”

“Hm. You know that sound you make when I kiss your neck?”

Catra slid down as far as possible in the nook. “Shut up.”

“It’s not a moan, really. It’s nicer than a moan. You make a _lot_ of sounds that I like – “

“I hate this.”

“You didn’t hate it when I was – “

Catra ended the call, sweating. Of course Scorpia hadn’t heard all that, but she did look up at the silence.

“Did you just hang up on her?”

Adora was trying to call her back, but she ignored it. Make _her_ sweat, for once.

She stood at the bathroom mirror and examined her neck. The mark hadn’t faded one bit, dark and mouth shaped. It looked kind of brutal. _Getting_ it had been anything but. Adora sucking on her neck was really, really welcome.

And thinking back, Catra had been in no headspace to stop her. She hadn’t had any thoughts at all. Kisses – on her mouth, her neck, her stomach, her arms – had left her thoughtless and warm. Warm in her head, her lungs, her toes. So warm her heart beat in her ears.

Her legs had felt weak – probably blood loss from being clamped so tightly around Adora – and there had _definitely_ been moisture between them. Same as before, which meant she had been doing something right, after all. Her heartbeat had been there, too.

The phone buzzed. She picked it up.

“You’re cruel,” Adora said right away.

“Will these go away soon?”

“What?”

“On my neck.”

Adora chuckled. “They should be gone in a few days, but don’t worry. I can always make more.”

“Ugh, no thanks,” Catra said insincerely. “I only have two turtlenecks.”

“I’m sorry,” Adora sighed. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Afraid she had been too convincing, Catra backtracked. “Next time just do it where no one can see.”

There was a long silence. Adora cleared her throat. “I think I can manage that.”

_______________________________

Tuesday night brought cold, sleeting rain. Glimmer blared music loud enough to drown out the sound of it against the windows, her room dark except for the lamp over her desk. She needed to set her printmaking project – rubber this time, instead of wood – into relief as she refined the details of it with a scalpel.

Adora had grown tired of watching her, so she was scrolling through Instagram with her back to Glimmer’s chair. Lonnie at a party with her friend Conner, Phoebe with a somehow flourishing sunflower, Glimmer with an insane rhinestone-as-eyeliner makeup look that she was still wearing, bent over her desk. Rogelio had posted a picture of Bow with his guitar.

Glimmer’s music was peppy, fast and lyrical. It scrambled Adora’s brain.

“What are they gonna be playing Thursday night?” She asked. Glimmer silently changed the music.

“Ew, what is this?”

“Shhhh,” Glimmer said. Adora sat back and listened, but classical music _bored_ her.

Work had been horrible, even with the new coat. She couldn’t even enjoy her secret tree spot because wind ripped through the riverbed like nothing else. Cassandra had brought in bagels and lattes. Adora almost told her about Catra, but stopped herself. It would all come out soon enough.

“Will there be a choir?”

“I don’t think so, no. Octavia’s in the choir and she didn’t say anything about it.”

“Okay. Good.”

The noise blasted on. Thursday crept closer second by second. At least Adora wouldn’t have to drive to Salem that afternoon – Phoebe was going up there Wednesday night since her Thursday morning labs were canceled. Which meant Adora’s lab was canceled, which meant she could work straight through the day and leave two hours early.

Whatever got her back into bed with Catra the fastest. One make out session had her more wound up than she had ever been in her _life._ Antsy and irritable and distracted. It had, generally speaking, been a long time. A dry spell, even, which would normally be easily remedied with a text to any number of girls. Catra was an oasis in the desert, and Adora was deliberately dragging her feet to get there.

“Did you ask her about Christmas?”

Adora tapped her phone against her chin. “No. Not yet. I was gonna tell your mom and dad first.”

“ _My_ mom and dad?” Glimmer laughed. “Okay. They’re just gonna be mad you didn’t bring her home for Thanksgiving.”

“I’m nervous,” Adora admitted. “I’ve never had… _news_ to bring to them before.”

“But it’s good news! They’re gonna freak.”

“Yeah.” That didn’t help. “Maybe she won’t even want to go.”

Glimmer sighed. “Maybe that’s why you should ask.”

___________________________

Phoebe and Melanie’s apartment was smaller than Adora’s, all manner of strange furniture clustered in together so that it felt like a maze. Catra tried to relax her shoulders, tense from an hour of conversation with Phoebe.

“You’re out of class, today, too?” Phoebe asked upon finding Melanie laying on the couch.

“Skipped once I heard Cat was gonna be in town.” She grinned in a way that made Catra's shoulders tense right back up.

“Well, we’re starving. Lunch?"

The argued back and forth over possibilities. Catra looked around nervously, checked her phone nervously, and when Phoebe addressed her directly, she jumped nervously.

“Cat? Sushi or Mexican?”

It was barely noon, which meant Catra would have to make it through three _more_ hours of socializing. “Mexican?”

“Oh, hell yes,” Melanie said, jumping up. “Margaritas on me.”

“Oh.” Phoebe shifted her weight. “I don’t think we should – “

“It’s Thirsty Thursday. We really should. I’m gonna go change.”

She disappeared down a short hallway, into a room that emitted a lot of bright red light. Phoebe looked worried, then noticed Catra noticing her and stopped. “You are hungry, right?”

Catra shrugged. “Sure.”

Phoebe drove them to a short, run-down looking building. Catra narrated the journey to Adora through text.

 _Cincos is great,_ Adora said. _Get the chicken cheese and rice._

Catra ordered that, relieved to not have to read the menu.

“So he came over last night,” Melanie said, swirling a chip around in their table’s tiny allotment of salsa. “Apologized or whatever. He was _crying.”_

“Oh,” Phoebe breathed. They must have been talking about Santiago.

“What did he do?” Catra asked before she could stop herself. She immediately regretted it. It was too personal, and she wouldn’t want anyone asking about her and Adora’s business. 

But Melanie only sighed. “He went to a party he shouldn’t have.”

Catra gave Phoebe a wondering look. Phoebe shook her head minutely and changed the subject.

 _Almost done,_ Adora texted her.

“Three margaritas,” Melanie told the waiter.

“Okay,” he said, scribbling something down on a notepad. “I’ll need to see your IDs.”

Melanie pulled hers out of her wallet. So did Phoebe. Catra realized all at once why this wasn't going to work.

She didn’t have an ID. She didn’t even have a wallet.

The waiter looked at Phoebe’s license, then Melanie’s, then expectantly at Catra, who was still frozen in place.

“I don’t – “ she started.

“Oh, right,” Phoebe said loudly, smacking her forehead. “I completely forgot. You said you forgot your wallet when we hit the interstate.”

Catra blinked.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” Melanie asked. She took in Phoebe and Catra's expressions and turned to the waiter. She said something in what Catra assumed was Spanish. Very fast, angry sounding Spanish. The waiter looked appraisingly at Catra, and Melanie said something else. He rolled his eyes and walked away without a word.

“He’s bringing it,” Melanie said, crunching a chip.

Phoebe squeezed Catra’s knee, continuing the conversation like nothing had happened. She had covered for her, Catra realized. _That_ was why she had been so weird about Melanie suggesting margaritas.

But then that also meant Phoebe couldn't explain _why_ Catra didn't have an ID.

Melanie didn't know. And Catra didn't have any reason to think she would...but she was friends with Adora. 

Did she not know about her, either?

The drinks came. They were talking about school. Catra tried to listen, because she was always interested when Adora talked about school. But the massive margarita sitting in front of her was _delicious,_ and her brain numbed almost immediately after the first sip.

“This is _good_ ,” she said. Phoebe laughed at her.

It was bitter, and sour. It _shouldn’t_ have been good. It was incredible.

“Tequila,” Melanie said. “You’ve had a margarita before, right?”

“No.”

“Oh my god,” she laughed, looking at Phoebe. “Adora’s dating someone who’s never had a _margarita.”_

Phoebe hid her smile behind her hand. Catra didn’t get the joke. But then their food was there, and that was distracting, too. Melanie’s food was served to her on a literal oven pan, the handle wrapped in cloth because it was still steaming hot, peppers and meat sizzling loudly. Smoke rose to the ceiling.

Catra leaned back, perplexed, as Phoebe’s tacos were passed in front of her. How could they serve food that hot? Someone could get _hurt_ , like that time her hand had been burned so bad it blistered for two weeks.

“So how is it going?” Melanie asked when the waiter had left. “With Adora.”

“Good,” Catra answered, before she realized the question should have made her nervous. It didn’t. Because of alcohol, probably. “It’s great.”

Melanie nodded slowly, swirling her straw around.

“They’re adorable together,” Phoebe burst out. 

Melanie grinned. "Guess I'll see tonight."

“You’re going?” Catra asked. “To the concert?”

“Not that. _Bo-ring.”_

Adora had kind of dogged on it, too, like she didn’t think it would be fun. She just kept saying that _Catra_ would enjoy it.

“I meant after,” Melanie continued. “At the Hadley.”

“Who’s Hadley?” The name sounded familiar, but she couldn’t place why.

“Hadley is a bar.”

Right. The sometimes bar, sometimes club. Adora had invited her forever ago. “You’re going there tonight?”

“It’s Thursday,” Melanie said by way of explanation. “We all are. Adora probably forgot to mention it.”

Catra didn’t think so. “Are _you_ going to the concert?” She asked Phoebe.

“Nah. I don’t really want to fifth wheel. But you’ll have fun!”

"I'm so done with school functions," Melanie griped. "Remember when we went to that play they did about the _Kardashians?"_

Phoebe laughed and bit into a taco. Catra looked down at her own plate, trying a bite.

The rice was immediately repulsive – not at all like what Razz made for her. It was thick and clumpy and coated in hardening cheese. The taste of it shot down her throat and up her nose. At least the margarita did a good job of clearing it away.

“You don’t like it?” Phoebe asked. Catra tried to control her expression better.

“It’s new.”

“You’ve never had _arroz con pollo?”_ Melanie asked, eyebrows raised. Catra shook her head. “Damn. That’s no way to live. Growing up in the sticks is no joke.”

Catra watched her eat a forkful of still-hissing peppers. “I think I need a box.”

It was something she knew people said at restaurants, so she didn’t expect Melanie and Phoebe to immediately become concerned.

“Just send it back if it’s bad,” Melanie said. Phoebe reached over with her fork and stole a bite of chicken, shrugging as she chewed.

“Tastes fine to me.”

“Cat?”

Catra resisted the urge to check the time. “I didn’t say it was bad. I’m just not as hungry as I thought.”

They let it go, thankfully, and started talking about people Catra had never met before. That was more fun to listen to. Her head was really swimming by the time they paid and left, though Phoebe and Melanie seemed fine. They were talking about that weekend, and Catra realized with a thrill that she was going to be there for it.

“If we’re going to the Hadley tonight, tomorrow we could stay in. Maybe at Bow and Kyle’s?”

“Yeah! Cat, have you met Kyle?”

_______________________________

“It’s big,” Catra said quietly. Adora looked up at the arced ceilings, crisscrossed with lights and hanging sculptures from Art Majors past. She hadn’t been in the Music Center since freshman year, and it looked much nicer than she remembered. The power of Christmas decorations.

Glimmer’s tour around campus had left them all shivering, so they first went to the concession window. Someone Glimmer knew was working it, so they got their cider for free.

“Vivaldi!” Bow read from a brochure. “Fun!”

“Glimmer said it would be trumpets, I swear,” Adora whispered. Catra pulled away from her to read around Bow’s shoulder. “Is Vivaldi more or less boring than that?”

“Vivaldi is the whole orchestra, so…yeah,” he said, with a hearty dose of “ _you’re stupid_ ” face. Adora stuck her tongue out. “And my boy Johnathan is on the bass drum.” He nudged Catra with his elbow, grinning. “You ain’t ready for this.”

Catra wrinkled her nose. “I have heard music before, you know.”

“ _Not_ played by the Etheria University Orchestra,” he said, with such gravitas Adora snorted.

Catra gave them both a look and snatched brochure away, reading like she was about to be quizzed. “Adora,” she said, when Bow was distracted. “What’s a cello?”

Adora thought about it. “I don’t know.”

When Glimmer had finished socializing, they searched out seats in the auditorium, finding some pretty near the stage. The place was nowhere near full, but Glimmer and Bow seemed excited by the turnout. They came to these things a lot, and probably saw worse.

Catra kept staring straight up, her feet catching Adora’s twice and almost tripping them. The ceiling wasn’t _that_ impressive. It was just some catwalks and light fixtures. She sat to Catra’s left, with Bow and Glimmer on her other side. Bow said something in Catra’s ear that made her scoff and giggle.

“He said to let him know when you fall asleep so he can take a picture.”

“I won’t fall asleep,” Adora insisted, crossing her legs. Her coat constricted her arms a little, but the room was too cold for her to want to take it off. “And I’m sure you wouldn’t betray me like that.”

Catra smiled and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. “This room,” she said slowly, leaning closer and dropping her voice. “Doesn’t it remind you…”

“Remind me of what?” Adora asked. Catra dropped her eyes. Oh. “I guess so.” She looked up at the ceiling. _Oh._ “It is the same shape, almost. A lot bigger.”

The sanctuary, after the renovation when they were young, had been grand like this, but not as polished or homey. “It’s just a room,” she said, not even sure what that meant. But Catra nodded and pulled Adora’s hand into her lap, leaning her head on her shoulder.

The lights dimmed just then, as people filed out onto the stage. They all wore black pants or dresses, carrying an instrument with them. Except for the obvious exception of the giant drum in the back. That had already been there.

A tall women with a gray bun atop her head strode out, earning some scattered applause from the audience. She stopped in front of a microphone.

“Thank you all for coming to Vivaldi night,” she said, voice booming over the sounds of musicians filing into folding chairs. A stray violin string was plucked by accident. “The orchestra has been working so hard on these pieces this semester, and we are so proud to present them to you tonight. I do see some unfamiliar faces here, so, welcome.” She caught someone’s eye and winked. That person and their friends laughed. “Now, if you don’t know, The Four Seasons was published in 1725 as a set of twelve concerti. This collection is meant to portray the emotions and style of each of the four seasons, interpreting the lyrics of four sonnets: _La Primavera, L’Estate, L’Autunno,_ and _L’Inverno._ Without further ado.”

She nodded and turned her back to them, taking a few steps closer to the now-attentive students and brandishing a conductor’s baton. The lights dimmed more, brightening over the stage as a girl walked out and stood in front of the mic. She had a piece of paper in her hands, shaking slightly from nerves.

“Festive Spring has arrived,” she read, eyes trained on the words she was reading. “The birds salute it with their happy song. To the festive sound of pastoral bagpipes, Dance nymphs and shepherds, at Spring’s brilliant appearance.”

She folded the paper and walked off. The conductor raised her baton in the air, and the music began. Adora sipped her cider, watching the violinists go at it. It wasn’t very exciting – too happy sounding. The one they played after, Summer in G minor or something, was very slow. It only got good at the very end, and then the conductor called it.

Adora’s mind wandered, first to her Herpetology quiz the next week, and then to Catra. The weight of her head kept Adora present enough to stay awake (and then some). She was eager for this to be over, so she could get Catra back to her apartment and give her some more hickeys to complain about. And then some.

She wondered if Catra had touched herself yet. Probably not – that part was like pulling teeth, at least in Adora’s experience. She had talked it through a lot with Bow, years and years ago. He’d had problems with it, too, when he was young. And the reasons were different, but the effect was the same. Maybe not everyone _needed_ to get used to it, but once Adora had she’d felt so free, and rebellious and…well, _sexy._

Because her reasons were the same as Catra’s, maybe she could be that person. Maybe they would talk about it tonight. Maybe they couldn’t. Scorpia was probably a good person to talk to, and Catra and Bow were getting close…

The music was background to her, white noise, but Catra wasn’t at all distracted from it. She sat up somewhere around _Autumn_ (a lot like summer but more foreboding), leaning forward in her chair.

Adora looked around. Only one other person she could see was sitting like that, their head bobbing like they were counting time. Probably another musician, not good enough or confident enough to join the orchestra, sitting the audience instead. Catra just watched, her profile shadowed in warm light.

Watching her for a while, Adora realized she was actually listening to the music – not just hearing it. She tried to pick out which instrument it was that made Catra’s nostrils flare or her lips to part. Violin, or flute.

After the Four Seasons (Adora actually felt as though they’d been playing for a year), someone took a seat at the grand piano, a spotlight waving over to them. This piece was all plunking keys and high notes. The audience clapped. Catra shifted restlessly and smiled at Adora.

She was _really_ enjoying it. Who knew? Not even Glimmer looked so excited.

After the piano songs was the grand finale – the conductor announced it as such. Violin Concerto in G Minor. The crowd was excited by that. Adora dug her fingernails into her now-empty Styrofoam cup, suppressing a yawn. Everyone but the violin players left the stage after bows and applause.

Catra squeezed her hand when the music started. That _was_ it – Catra like violin. Her mouth fell open, eyelashes fluttering in what almost looked like confusion. Adora kind of understood – the music started fast. Fast as _hell_.

The notes came hard and strong, rising and falling like a failing heart. Adora actually looked away from Catra to watch the stage, just to see _how_ they were making all that sound. One girl stroked the bow over the strings in short, controlled pulls. Another moved theirs like they were shaking protein powder. She had no idea who was making which sounds, just that it was constantly changing.

The conductor swayed her baton up and down, sometimes jabbing it forward like a knife. Her free hand did the same, in opposite measure.

Faster, faster, faster – then all too soon, over. All the violins stopped cold. Catra released a breath.

The audience clapped, and then slowly got to their feet. Catra jumped up before Glimmer, clapping hard. Adora stood, too, joining in with Bow’s whoops. Some of the students looked sweaty and out of breath as they bowed.

Catra caught her hand, tugging until Adora looked. She was breathless, too, eyes very bright.

“I wanna go dancing,” she said.

Adora’s brain played a short round of circus music. “Huh?”

“I wanna go dancing,” she repeated. “Melanie said they’re all going out tonight.”

“Yeah, they are,” Adora said. “Wait, you – ?”

She nodded, holding out a hand. “I know you weren't planning on it, but I want to.”

Adora almost thought she was joking, then decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Guys!” She said, over the sound of a whole room shuffling to the exits. Bow and Glimmer looked up from their phones, already texting Melanie to meet up. “Catra wants to go out.”

Bow gasped. “Wh _aaat?”_

“Don’t make it a thing,” Catra snapped, tugging again on Adora’s hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

______________________________

The Hadley – disgusting and small and overcrowded and _smelly._

“Don’t they know it’s below freezing?” Catra asked as they pushed through an inexplicable crowd just hanging around the front doors.

Sparkles scoffed. “It’s thirty degrees.”

“Every bar is like this on Thursdays,” Adora provided, much less annoyingly.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“It’s just a…I don’t know. Tradition.”

Whatever else Adora had to say was drowned out by a blast of noise. Humid warmth oozed out of the open door admitting them to more crowd and _more_ voices. People their age, and younger. And older. There was a lot of standing around and talking in groups of four or five, though there was no way anyone was actually hearing what anyone else was saying.

After the orchestra, Catra found this music offensively loud and discordant. She couldn’t wait to get home and find Vivaldi on Spotify. If that kind of music was even on there. She needed it back in her head, but the rap was going in one ear and forcing the rest out of the other.

Her companions moved through the space like they owned it, Adora pulling her along in tow. A few people even called out Adora’s _name_ , waving and shouting non-sequiturs.

“You’re like a celebrity,” Catra yelled. Adora smiled back very smugly.

Two girls ran by, squealing and sloshing their drinks onto the floor. They were wearing short skirts and very low cut tops. Most people seemed to be at least partially dressed for the weather.

“Ow!” She cried, when Adora pulled her sharply forward. Instead of more room, her stomach slammed into unyielding wood. “Careful! One wrong move and this whole building will fall in on us.”

Adora braced her hands on either side, turning her head to kiss Catra’s ear. “That’s part of its charm. Drink like there’s no tomorrow.”

They were at the bar, a long, walled off expanse of space populated by just two people to tend to it. They were busy with everyone clamoring for attention. Catra could check _visiting a farm_ off her bucket list.

“Where’d everyone go?”

“Probably finding us a table. I’ll wait here if you want to go find them. This might take a while.”

“I’m fine here,” Catra said, examining the multitude of bottles stacked on the walls.

Eventually, they were noticed. Over Catra’s head, Adora ordered two shots of something called ‘patrone’ and a beer, handing over a wad of cash that the bartender didn’t even count before sliding into his pocket.

“I’ve never had a shot before,” she said nervously, staring at the tiny glasses.

Adora pushed in so they were side by side. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

“What does it taste like?”

“It’s tequila. Shouldn’t surprise you.”

She braced her glass on the edge of the counter without picking it up. Catra copied her, trying not to think about how filthy the wood probably was. Maybe even the glass.

It tasted horrible, and she very nearly spit it right back out. Adora didn’t even make a face, just slammed the glass down and offered Catra her beer. That tasted almost sweet in comparison. But still gross.

“You set me up,” Catra gasped, hanging onto her arm as they crossed to the opposite wall. People stepped out of Adora’s way but banged right into Catra, shaking up her already strained stomach.

Bow, Sparkles and Melanie were packed into a booth made of cracked plastic and oozing seat fluff. There was maybe ten booths in all, and only a few tall tables with wobbling stools. Not an empty seat in the house.

“Where’s my shot?” Sparkles asked as they sat.

“Oh.” Adora giggled. “Catra drank it.”

“I didn’t know it was for her!”

Melanie’s face lit up. She slapped Bow on the arm. “Go get your girlfriend a shot!”

“O _kay_ ,” he said. “I’ll just get one for everyone, then.”

“No,” Catra said, as Adora shouted “ _Yes!”_

“I’ll help you carry them,” Glimmer said.

“Me, too,” Melanie followed. “Where the hell did Phoebe go?”

“How do you like it?” Adora asked when it was just them, leaning against her in a way that pressed her into the wall. “It’s not too much? Phoebe can run us home whenever.”

There was that word again – home. “It’s what I expected. Kind of. Actually, I expected louder.”

“Good.” Adora beamed. “There’s a patio, too. We can all hang out there if it gets to be too much.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Catra stressed. “You’re mother henning.”

“I just bought you a _shot_!”

“You bought Sparkles a shot!”

“Oh,” Adora gave an exaggerated nod. A sarcastic nod. “Okay.”

“Give me that.” Catra took her beer and tilted it back, pretending it wasn’t disgusting.

“Wow, you really showed me,” Adora said dryly, sealing their lips together. Catra’s heart jumped in apprehension – there were so many _people_ around! “If you _really_ wanted to mess with me, you’d kiss me back.”

“Sorry. It’s…crowded.”

Adora looked over her shoulder at the rioting mass of people laughing and jumping around. “I swear no one cares if we kiss. And if they did, I would kick their ass.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah,” she breathed, kissing the tip of Catra’s nose and sitting back. “You gonna dance with me tonight?”

“I can’t dance.”

“Uh, newsflash – almost no one here can dance.”

She pointed out toward the flashing lights, beneath which a large crowd of girls were jumping up and down, arms swinging over their heads with their eyes closed. And an even bigger, rowdier group of boys were pumping their fists in the air and shoving each other.

“I’ve seen you dance, and it’s better than _that.”_

Catra rolled her eyes. “Don’t flatter me.”

Their friends returned, hands and elbows laden with shot glasses and plastic cups. “For you,” Glimmer said, setting one of each in front of Catra. The cup had something pink and laden with ice in it. “And you.” She gave Adora a shot and a cup. Hers looked like more beer.

“You all owe me a lot of money,” Melanie said. “But we can discuss that tomorrow. Ready?”

They all picked up their glasses, clinking them together over the table. “Catra,” Bow urged, nodding his head. She lifted her glass and touched it to his, and then everyone else. Her chest was warm, a feeling that intensified as she took the shot. It burned all the way down, like hellfire.


	17. Go Fish

“I wish Santa was here,” Melanie said, falling in across from Catra. “Some random just tried to, like, grind on me. So annoying.”

Catra looked away from Adora and Glimmer’s dancing, still trying to catch her breath from her own turn. Sitting down had made things better and worse – the floor and walls were switching positions every few seconds. She held on to the table to balance herself.

“Why isn’t he?”

Melanie pinched the bridge of her nose, slumping forward. “B’cause I’m mad at him.”

“But why?”

“Because,” she sighed and sat up again, picking up a cup and drinking from it. Catra no longer knew which cup belonged to whom, but Bow had _definitely_ been drinking from that one, too. “He went to that _stupid_ party at that _stupid_ house _knowing_ his ex would be there. And I told him not to.”

“Did – “ Catra leaned in. “Did he cheat on you or something?”

Melanie frowned at her. “No.”

“So…?”

She made an indignant sound. “He _went_ to the party!”

“But why do you care?”

“God, you don’t – “ She slapped her hands down. “You don’t get it. I – _I_ broke them up.”

“Huh _?”_

“He met me, and then he broke up with her! What am I supposed to do with that?”

Catra nodded, baffled. “T-trust him?”

“ _Trust_ him?” She scoffed, and then laughed, and then wiped her nose. “You think?”

“You should trust the person you’re dating.”

Melanie gaped at her. “You sound insane.”

Catra giggled. “Wait, do I?”

“ _Bat_ shit.” She leaned her head back and fully cackled.

“What’s funny!?”

“Dude, you’re dating the, like, most anti-commitment person _ever._ ”

“Adora loves me,” Catra said, whole-heartedly. And a little offended on Adora’s behalf. "She’s totally…pro-comti – coment – _commitment – “_

“You’re _so drunk,”_ Melanie howled. “Cat, I hope we’re friends forever.”

The floor tilted again, sharply. Catra leaned back in the booth and realized it was because she was laughing, too.

____________________________

Bad sleep. Thick and throbbing painfully. She rolled this way and that, trying desperately to get comfortable without moving her head too much. That’s where the pain was, she was sure, but every time she thought about getting up to do something about it sleep pulled her back under in another dizzying wave.

“Catra.”

She tried to answer, unsure if her mouth opened or not.

“I know, I know. I brought you some water.”

Opening one eye hurt. Opening both of them was like stabbing a butter knife through her forehead. “W-where - ?”

“You’re in my room.”

“How…?”

“Here, sit up.” Adora waited before handing her something. “Drink this.”

The act of holding the glass winded her, and drinking it only drew attention to how incredibly dry her throat was. It also made her realize that she wasn’t wearing nearly as much clothing as she should have been.

Adora smiled at her, eyes glowing. She looked _way_ too good – fully dressed, hair brushed. Wearing a coat.

“What’s going on?”

She laughed, reaching over to the side table for two pills. “For your head.”

Catra swallowed them, forcing down more water. “What…what time is it?”

“Early,” Adora assured her. Catra looked to the window – it was dark, curtains drawn. “I’ve gotta get to work, so you can go back to sleep. I just wanted to make sure you drank some water.”

“Work?” She rubbed her eyes, the pain peaking right behind them. This was so _confusing._ “What?”

Adora tipped her head to the side. “I told you I had to work today.”

Again, Catra looked at the curtains. Then back to Adora. Then the curtains again. “It’s _Friday?”_

She looked under the blankets. Underwear, and a shirt that didn’t belong to her. That’s all she was wearing. “Where…are my clothes?”

She looked up. Adora was staring at her, mouth open, eyes wide.

“Adora!”

“Do – “ She glanced down. “Do you not remember last night?”

Catra forgot her semi-nudity, realizing that she did _not_ , in fact, remember last night. At least, not the end of it. One moment, she had been dancing with Bow, and he was making her laugh, and the next, she was here. And Adora was staring, horrified.

“You don’t,” she whispered, standing and pacing away. “Oh, no.”

“What?” Catra snapped. Shouldn’t _she_ have been the one to get upset?

Adora turned, not meeting her eyes. “You blacked out. I think.”

“I…I what?”

“You drank too much.” Adora’s voice shook. “And you blacked out.”

Catra bundled the blankets tight, feeling suddenly much worse. “Alcohol makes you _forget?!”_

“With the right amount…yeah!” She tugged at her own hair in distress. “It’s happened to me, before. More than once. But – “ Now she fixed Catra with an almost accusatory glare. “I had _no_ idea you were that far gone. You seemed fine.”

Catra tried futilely to remember _anything_. Anything at all. It made the headache worse. “I blacked out. While we were at the bar? And you couldn’t tell?”

“ _No._ ” She covered her face with her hand. “I’m so sorry, Catra…”

“So, I was up and…walking around? And _talking?_ ” Without remembering anything at all. “Did I do anything embarrassing?!”

Slowly, Adora lowered her hand. She made a laughing noise without smiling at all. “Uh. No.”

“What?” Catra leaned forward, reading her face. There was something. “What did I do?”

Adora hesitated, wincing just the slightest bit.

“Adora!”

“You – we – “ She shut her eyes. “If it helps, I woke up with less clothes on than you did.”

Flashbombs of horror exploded in Catra’s head. “You mean we – ?”

Adora shook her head vehemently, sitting back down after a hesitation. She was blushing. “We didn’t. I remember that much. I definitely stopped you.”

“Stopped _me?”_ Oh, the horror. “You said I didn’t do anything embarrassing!”

Adora looked over, her tone suddenly very serious. “You didn’t. Trust me. We came here,” her eyes flicked to the empty space on the mattress. “We… made out for a while, and it was – intense. We both, um, well – I mean _you_ took my clothes off, and then some of your own – “

Catra buried her face in the blanket. She had taken Adora’s clothes off. Maybe all of them. And she didn’t even _remember!_

On top of it all, the pain in her head had intensified, crystallizing right behind her eyes. She felt nauseous.

“Hey,” Adora said, stroking the back of her neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are _you_ sorry?”

“ _Well_ …I should have known, I guess. It was stupid of me.”

“I tried to _sleep_ with you!”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Adora said, and then giggled once. “Sorry, it’s not funny. But it’s not like I wasn’t enjoying myself. Just, for the record.”

“Adora, that doesn’t help,” Catra whined, even though it definitely did help. “I’m an idiot.”

“No you aren’t. I am.”

“I said it first,” Catra mumbled, too mortified to look up. “Am I gonna die?”

“Um.” Adora touched the top of her head. “What?”

“Alcohol poisoning is a thing, isn’t it? I feel poisoned.”

“…No. It’s just a hangover. You’ll feel better after you sleep some more.”

Catra took a deep breath and sat back. Her stomach flipped at the movement. Adora watched her warily. “Did you see me naked?”

She went pale, which was answer enough.

“Did I see you?”

“I _swear_ , if I knew you were that far gone I would never have let it – “

“I’m not mad at you,” Catra said, and meant it. She only had herself to blame. “You were drunk, too. But you remember so you have to tell me.”

Adora didn’t look too thrilled at the suggestion. “Okay…I’ll tell you everything, but I have to go to work.”

“Fine,” Catra muttered. She wanted to argue, but the pounding in her head wasn’t conducive to conversation. Or bad news. Whatever they had done lied somewhere between being fully clothed, and sex. And it was nothing they had already done, or Adora wouldn’t be so reluctant to say it. Maybe Catra had been bad at it, whatever it was. “If I’m still alive when you get back.”

“Don’t say things like that,” Adora chided, though she sounded relieved that Catra wasn’t pushing it. She helped her back down onto her back, tucking the blankets in around her shoulders. “I love you. I’ll be back as soon as I can, okay?”

“Okay.”

Adora kissed her, once on the mouth and then on the forehead. Catra’s humiliation eased a tiny bit.

_______________________________

Work was slow. Brutally slow. Adora finished up some very low-quality homework, vowing to go over it again before submitting. She couldn’t focus on anything, not even a conversation with Cassandra, who quickly became irritated with her and went back to work.

Adora had quite a bit to feel guilty about, in general life terms. But she’d never felt anything like this.

Catra said it wasn’t her fault, and that she wasn’t mad, but of _course_ it was Adora’s fault. She’d tried so hard to not ‘mother-hen’ (she _really_ hated that term) that she’d gone the exact opposite direction and allowed Catra to drink her body weight in vodka. And tequila. God knew what else Melanie had given her.

It was a _stupid_ mistake. Of course Catra couldn’t hold the same amount of alcohol as the rest of them! Adora should have been mother-henning the shit out of her.

And because she’d just tapped out and gotten drunk herself, everything was ruined.

It had been good, was the problem. Very good. She’d told Catra that she had stopped her, and while that was true, Adora had left out the word _barely_.

 _I stopped you before we had sex,_ sounded much better than, _I barely stopped you before what we were doing fully became sex._

It had been a close thing. It had very nearly been everything.

Adora had to tell her. It was only right. She just didn’t know how she was going to put it into words.

_Remember how I refused to sleep with you, because I wanted it to be special and make sure you were ready for it?_

_Remember how we mauled each other last night? No? Okay, great. Don’t worry about that._

“Oh,” she moaned, dropping her head to the desk surface.

“Adora?”

She sniffed and sat up, grabbing her gloves. “I need to go walk. Tired.”

Cassandra’s disapproval followed her through the door. It wasn’t the first time she’d witnessed a Thursday night hangover. It _would_ be the last, though, because Adora never wanted a drop of alcohol ever again.

Glimmer texted her around 2, reporting that Catra was still dead to the world. Adora was slightly comforted by that, because if she was asleep then she couldn’t be thinking.

Adora tried putting the blame on the others. Just as a thought exercise. Phoebe had been sober. _She_ should have known, and stopped Catra at some point. Bow had danced with her.

Hm. Catra willingly dancing should have been a sign. But Adora had only been really, really charmed by it.

And turned on. But most things Catra did turned her on.

 _Especially_ what she had done last night.

Ice crunched beneath her feet, punctuating each foggy breath. It was so cold, but her chest felt warm just thinking about it. Her face. Her everything. They were stolen memories, though, so she made a valiant effort to stop.

She left earlier than usual, citing a headache. Cassandra gave her an aspirin and an eyeroll.

It was tough to drive slowly through the salted streets. She stopped at McDonalds for some hangover fuel. Catra probably wouldn’t feel any better than she had that morning, despite all the sleep. Hangovers were tough like that, especially black-out hangovers. Adora had slept for fifteen hours, once, after a night out with Melanie.

Glimmer was sitting at the kitchen table with her sketchbook. “You got McDonalds,” she observed expertly. Adora tossed her a burger and continued upstairs, knocking lightly on her own door before opening it.

The curtains were still shut tight, a small lump at the center of the mattress only starting to move when Adora snorted and set the back down. It crunched and crackled.

“Good morning.”

Catra’s face appeared. She shuffled, more of the covers slipping away from her head. “I threw up.”

Glimmer hadn’t mentioned that. “You should eat, then. Here.”

Catra looked at the offered burger with a dubious frown, then sat up. Adora pretended to look over some notes, studiously ignoring the way Catra ripped into it like it was her last meal on earth.

“I’m never – “

“Drinking again?” Adora finished, smirking at her. “Way ahead of you.”

“ _Ever_ ,” she stated anyway, placing the crumpled wrapper on the edge of the desk. Adora passed over another without comment. “I threw up a _lot_.”

“Did you eat at all?”

She made a strange expression, still looking sort of drawn but much improved since the morning. “Sparkles kept coming up here and bringing me stuff. I threw up the toast, and the eggs. And the coffee. But after the third time I guess I felt better.”

Adora swiveled to face her. “Jeez, Catra. I could have gotten you some ginger ale or something.”

“You were at work.”

“So?”

Catra rolled her eyes. “When are we supposed to go to Bow’s?”

Strange. Adora thought she’d be questioned as soon as she got home. Instead, Catra was breezing right past their conversation that morning.

“Pretty soon. But…I mean, no one would blame us for not coming.”

To her surprise, Catra looked angry. “You told them.”

“About you blacking out? No, I didn’t. But I bet all of them would be surprised.”

Catra wrinkled her nose, but didn’t say anything.

“And it’s not, like, an event. We could go over there tomorrow night just as easily.”

Slowly, the expression faded. Catra tipped sideways, the bulk of the blankets going with her. “Okay,” she said. “What will we do here?”

“Whatever you want. I’m gonna go shower first, though. Need anything?”

Catra’s face disappeared again. “No.” Then, “Thank you for the food.”

Adora smiled to herself, throwing all the wrappers in the bag and taking the whole thing back downstairs to throw away.

“Is she feeling any better?” Glimmer asked.

“Yeah, she is. We’re gonna sit tonight out, though, I think.”

She hummed a response. “Fine. I’m staying at Bow’s.”

Adora stopped at the bottom of the stairs, an idea lighting up in her head. A dangerous one. “Have fun. Love you.”

“Love you.”

The idea persisted throughout her quick shower. It made her nervous, but she thought she was getting used to that.

________________________________

Catra fumbled with the cards in her hand, unused to holding them like Adora was, fanned out between her thumb and the rest. “Do you have any sixes?”

“Go fish,” Adora said. Catra pursed her lips and took a card from the pile between them on the table, adding to the stack she was already holding. “Do you have any _fours?”_

Catra sighed and handed one over, carefully plucking it from the fan and almost losing control of her grip. Adora set down her four of a kind with the sevens and eights she had already collected. Catra only had a set of Kings.

“I’m losing!” She said furiously. Adora laughed at her competitiveness. “Monopoly was so much easier than this.”

Adora snapped her fanned cards together with one hand, taking a bite of salad with the other. Catra rolled her eyes at the display.

“Show off. Let’s play a different game.”

“ _That_ would be bad sportsmanship on your part. And since this isn’t strip Go Fish, I’m afraid I can’t allow it.”

Catra mumbled something she didn’t catch. “Do you have any eights?”

“The eights are out! I already matched the eights!”

“I have an eight.”

“You _don’t_ have an eight,” Adora countered. Catra flipped her hand around, pointing to it.

“Don’t show me your cards!” But she was right. There was a fifth eight. “I guess somebody mixed two decks by accident.”

“You rigged it,” Catra snapped, slamming her hand down and taking Adora’s bowl. “I’m out. You win.”

“Fine.” Adora sacrificed the rest of her salad, glad Catra was willingly eating anything and a little concerned that it took a black out for her to gain any sort of appetite. She gathered their cards and set the extra eight to the side. “This next one is called Trash – “

“Adora,” she groaned. “Have mercy on me. I can’t memorize all of this in one night. It’s bringing my headache back.”

She’d asked about poker, specifically, but Adora told her they didn’t have enough people. And maybe she had a point – two person card games weren’t very high-stakes. “Yeah, sure. Nothing wrong with being a sore loser.” Catra shot her a look. “What now?”

She cast around the room, frowning. “Do they like me?”

“Who?” Adora parsed through the deck, finding an extra King, and a stray two. Very sloppy cardkeeping, Glimmer.

“Everyone.”

“Of course! They _love_ you. You’re a natural fit.”

“Fit?”

“Well, not everyone fits into a big group like that. Sometimes there’s friction.”

Catra gave her an uncomprehending frown.

“Glimmer has a ton of other friends that don’t hang out with us. They’re just different. Group dynamics, and all.”

“Do you? Have other friends?”

“Uh…not really, no. I mean, I have friends that I hang around on campus, but that’s not the same. You’d be surprised how homework ties people together.”

Catra snorted. “Does Scorpia fit?”

“I don’t know.” Phoebe had kind of been keeping Scorpia to herself. The beach outing and roller blading aside. “I’m not sure she’s ever met Kyle or Rog. Maybe Lonnie. But I think everyone would like her, too, for sure. Scorpia’s very likeable.”

“Yeah, she is,” Catra murmured. “Can we watch a movie?”

“Yeah!” Adora fit the deck into the box and set the extras on top. “Anything in mind?”

“Something fun. With music.”

With music. Adora hid her delight well, she thought, as she pretended to think it over. Catra liked music now. It was a small change. But also big.

“I think I know a good one. Wanna watch it down here?”

Catra started to nod, then tilted her head to the side. “Where else would we watch it?”

“We could watch it on my laptop. In my room.” It was late enough to justify getting in bed.

“Okay!” Catra said brightly, taking the bowl and fork with her as she stood.

“I can wash those – “

“I got it!”

Adora turned to watch her. She was still wearing Adora’s shirt, and had added one of her cardigans and her sweatpants as the night got colder. Adora had never enjoyed seeing someone else wear her clothes this much. Actually, she’d never really cared enough about anyone enough to want them in her clothes. She would only give them something to wear in, like, a morning after scenario if they asked. Glimmer just stole whatever she wanted from Adora’s closet.

They brushed their teeth side by side in the bathroom, joking about the cards. Adora ignored the nerves that gathered in her hands and stomach as they got in bed. Catra pressed against her side, fussing with the pillows while Adora opened the computer in her lap and opened Netflix.

“What is it?”

“Don’t look.” Adora turned the screen away so Catra couldn’t read the description. “I want you to experience this blind.”

“Oh, I’m blind,” Catra assured her, wedging in closer. The movie started. Their feet touched.

The opening scene to _Tarzan_ rolled, drawing a lot of scoffs from Catra. Adora put an arm behind her shoulders, their heads resting together at odd angles, murmuring back and forth.

“Stop. _No._ You are _not_ making me watch a movie about a man raised by _monkeys –_ “

“They’re gorillas, actually, I think.”

“Why is the music…so _intense_? It’s, like, _real_ music.”

“Shhh. This is my favorite part.”

Catra didn’t laugh at any of the jokes, but Adora never had, either. Glimmer and Bow always cackled like they probably had when they’d watched it as kids. Adora did love the music, though, and the story was fun.

Not fun enough, though, to hold Catra’s interest. Sometime in the last act, she turned sideways, nuzzling into Adora’s neck and then kissing it.

Adora’s entire body froze, and then heated up. She turned her head and caught Catra’s lips once, twice. One or both of them made the decision to deepen it, tongues meeting in a now-familiar slide.

Slowly, they broke apart. Catra smiled at her and turned her attention back to the screen, like that was all.

“Catra,” Adora murmured.

“Hm?”

“You haven’t asked me about last night.”

Her smile turned a little forced at the edges. A little rueful. “Can we just forget it ever happened? I feel like an idiot.”

“I don’t think I can forget.”

Catra’s lips parted, eyes flashing in fear. “Whatever I did, Adora…I’m _really_ sorry and I wish – “

“You have nothing to – “ Adora sighed sharply, tired of them apologizing to each other. She shut the laptop and leaned over Catra to place it on her desk. Catra went very still, swallowing hard when Adora stayed there, their noses almost touching. “Aren’t you curious?”

Catra made a noise in her throat. Almost a question.

“You were right,” Adora continued, ignoring her own racing pulse. “It…It isn’t fair that I know what happened and you don’t. And…I think putting it to words would be a little awkward, so…let me show you.”

It was the only thing she could think of, to even the divide between them. She was going to remember what they did no matter what, so why not just…do it again?

Catra’s tremulous breath brushed over her chin. Adora held her eyes, very serious.

“…okay,” she whispered in a small voice. Adora released a breath she didn’t mean to hold, and threw their blankets to the side.

“Stand up?”

Without complaining about the cold, Catra climbed up. Adora put her feet on the floor, looking up at her. It was a weird feeling, to be so scared of something that had already happened.

“We came up here,” she said, whispering in spite of herself. She thought her voice would crack if she talked any louder. It was very quiet in her room, only the quiet hum of the heating and the windy night to distract her. “And, um…took our coats off.”

Catra blinked at her, standing still for five long seconds before pulling off her cardigan and letting it fall to the floor. Her expression was withholding, all of a sudden, instead of surprised. She looked more ready than Adora was…but, then, she had no idea what Adora was about to tell her.

Adora pulled her sweater off, leaving on the shirt underneath. “And I sat down, like this. And you…”

 _Jumped in my lap,_ would have been the truth. Instead of saying that, Adora reached out and took her by the waist, guiding her two steps forward. Without much hesitation at all, Catra straddled her, their weight making the mattress groan.

“Is this…helping you remember?” Adora asked, confused at the fluidity of the movement.

Catra shook her head, waiting.

“Well, next, you did this.”

She put a hand around Catra’s neck and pulled her down until their mouths fit together. Catra sank into her, knees tightening, back arching.

This wasn’t exactly how it had gone. The way Catra had kissed her last night had been _dirty_. Savage, almost, which had made it all the harder for Adora to stop her. This was easier, because they were on the same page. Nearly.

A few seconds passed, and then Adora wasn’t so sure. Catra gripped her tight, her tongue moving with a confidence that was newer. She gave a little push, a tiny shift of her weight, that almost toppled Adora backwards.

She braced herself with an arm. Not just yet.

“Catra,” she said. Catra pulled back an inch, eyes heavy-lidded and lips parted. “You took my shirt off.”

This was the awkward part. Adora said it, watching with bated breath for Catra’s reaction. Would she cringe away from the truth of it? Become upset and regretful, like she had been that morning, before she knew?

Catra raised her eyebrows and searched Adora’s face for something. A sign. Adora remained as serious as possible, even though inside she was a ball of nerves.

Cold hands found the hem of her shirt, and, after minute hesitation, pulled up. Adora lifted her arms. Cold air hit her underarms and chest, not nearly as chilling as Catra’s gaze on her, or her expression.

“Adora…”

“And then?” Adora asked, only taking a half-breath at a time. Catra touched her sides, hands delicate and chilled. Slowly, slowly up and to her back, resting on the clasp of her bra.

Nothing had ever been so fraught with tension. Not their first kiss, not showing Catra the ribbon…not even telling Catra how she felt five years ago. Not even when the exact same thing had happened the night before. Adora had been too drunk to appreciate this level of exhilaration.

Catra kissed her, drawing it out, long and sensual. “Are you sure?” She murmured.

The question drew Adora up short. It was almost funny enough to make her laugh, Catra asking her that question in _this_ situation. She nodded, and Catra released the clasp of her bra.

The urge to laugh faded, as did Catra’s touch. She didn’t seem to know what to do next, so Adora pulled the straps away from her arms and threw her bra into a dark corner, all without breaking their kiss. Catra’s hands roamed her back, tracing from her trapezius to her ribs.

“You said you wanted to look,” Adora joked when the kiss just kept going. Catra pulled back, very pointedly _not_ looking. “It’s okay,” Adora assured her, placing a hand on her lower back to balance her.

Catra looked down at Adora’s chest, inhaling. Adora resisted the urge to squirm. She had never been shy about her nudity before. She had never _cared_ what anyone thought about her body, until right now.

“What did I do next?” Catra asked, almost without making any noise at all.

Adora cleared her throat. Actually, Catra had poked one of her breasts and then started giggling like a crazy person. She didn’t feel the need to share _that_ detail, when this was so much better.

“You touched me.”

Like she’d been waiting for Adora to say just that, her hands slid up, cupping Adora’s tits in each one. Slow, experimenting, new. Thumbs brushed her nipples, making her breath hitch.

Catra’s eyes shot up at the noise. She reached down and pulled her shirt off. Nothing underneath, so they were both topless. Adora gazed hungrily, taking in the sight with new clarity. Catra’s breasts were small and perfect, bouncing just slightly when Adora pulled her in, kissing her upper chest. The part lined in elegant, curved bone and flawless skin.

The feel of their torsos pressed together like this was another detail Adora hadn’t noticed before. It was like striking a match, igniting them both. Catra made a strangled sound, hands flying to hold Adora’s head right there.

Adora mapped out the same path she had the night before, moving her mouth down, between her breasts, following the natural curves with her tongue. Catra breathed in short, broken pants and moans, making Adora feel bold.

When she sucked a nipple into her mouth, Catra’s panting broke off sharply with a high-pitched fucking _mewl_. Adora did fall back then, pulling them both horizontal. Catra kissed her frantically, hands hopelessly entangled in her hair. Adora felt down her back, counting her vertebrae.

“Can I?” She asked. Adora only nodded, unsure of what she meant.

Then Catra ducked down, finding Adora’s nipple with absolutely no warning and closing her lips around it, laving with her tongue.

A vacuum opened up in Adora’s stomach, sucking all the air in with a gasp. Unreality stirred, and she wondered if she was dreaming. Really, actually doubting reality had never happened to her in bed before. She felt herself warm, a wet spot developing between her legs.

“Catra,” she gasped. Catra moved to her other breast, cupping with her hand and sucking there, too. “Hey, we should – “

She pushed on her shoulder until she stopped, leaning over her with eyes bright in the low light. “What?”

“Uh…” Adora tried to cover her arousal by smirking. “This is where I stopped you.”

Catra stared at her, a line forming between her eyebrows. “Oh,” she said, sounding lost. She’d forgotten their game – that this was only a reenactment to level the playing field. “Well, I don’t want to.”

“What?”

“Stop. I don’t want to _stop_.” She whispered.

“O-okay,” Adora said. “We don’t have to – “

Catra kissed her, lowering her body so they were pressed together. Adora held the back of her neck, lifting herself up as much as possible so that not even an inch of space remained. Her thoughts turned heady and thick. She imagined holding Catra down, licking and biting at her clearly very sensitive nipples until she begged for more. And Adora would gladly give it to her, moving down the sharp angles of her hips and finding what was even more sensitive, using her tongue in ways that would make _this_ seem tame.

With a low moan, Catra ground her hips down. It was a desperate kind of movement, but also one that showed her lack of experience. She was still straddling Adora, their hips close but still very far.

The next time it happened, Adora flipped them, rolling on top of her. Without thinking, she fit her thigh between Catra’s, hiking her knee up and around her waist before rolling her hips gently forward.

Catra made a new sound, louder and throatier. So Adora did it again, angling it more for Catra’s benefit than her own.

“Adora,” she breathed, fingers moving to the waistband of her sweatpants. Adora stopped her, going still and just breathing into the crook of her neck for a minute, forcing her thoughts back into order.

“We can’t,” she finally said. It sounded lame.

“Why?” Catra questioned sharply. “Why can’t we?”

“I already told you.”

“I know, but – “ Catra exhaled, resting her cheek against Adora’s. Her voice softened. “I’ve tried, okay? It’s not happening. And maybe – well, maybe it’s not something that _can_ happen.”

Adora sat up on an elbow. “What are you talking about?”

“Some people…” Catra squirmed, which side-tracked Adora’s brain for a few seconds. “Some people just can’t. Maybe I’m like that.”

“You’re not,” Adora said, startled at her own voice. Flat. “You’re not broken.”

Catra wanted to argue – Adora could see it in her eyes. But she didn’t. She only shrugged. “I don’t know. But I _do_ know that this…feels good. It feels right. And if I _can_ …come…” she said the word reluctantly. “Then I want it to be with you. Not alone.”

The words swam through Adora’s useless head. _I want you to make me come_ , she heard, in Catra’s voice. Even though that wasn’t really what she had said.

“I did listen to what you told me,” Catra whispered, misinterpreting Adora’s silence. “I know it was – was hard for you. But nothing we do could make me feel ashamed. I’m past that, now.”

Adora didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense to her that Catra could be going through this so _simply._ “There’s no rush,” she said, a last ditch effort to change Catra’s mind. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know that.” Catra dug her fingers into Adora’s hips. “I wouldn’t let you.” Her eyes were shadowed, but Adora could see her wry smile. “But what’s wrong with rushing? We’ve been naked together every _other_ way.”

It was impossible to tell if Adora actually agreed with her, or if she just wanted it so bad her brain would do anything to make it happen. “This is different.”

“I _know_ ,” Catra laughed. “But it’s still us.”

Adora touched her cheek, kissed her lips. Catra sighed a happy sigh that broke down the rest of her fragile doubts. They were doing this. She was doing this with _Catra._

Catra looked shocked when Adora pulled at the tie of her sweatpants (pulled tight to fit Catra’s slender frame), and burst into a flurry of action. It happened very fast – she lifted her hips and pushed them down and off, along with her underwear. Then she tugged Adora’s shorts down to the knees – a few clumsy kicks later they were naked. Completely naked, completely together.

Adora settled back down without thinking very much past a lot of panicked _now, now, nows_. It was now, but she was going to savor every moment.

Catra’s legs were unshaved, soft and whispering against Adora’s skin as they folded themselves back together. Adora pushed her arms beneath Catra’s back, cradling more than holding. There was a wordless, soundless exchange in their eyes. Catra smiled in a way she would probably deny was nervous.

“You’re beautiful,” Adora told her.

Catra smiled, wider and wider. “You’re stalling.”

Adora nodded, and lowered her head.

Their earlier rhythm returned as though it hadn’t stopped at all. It was better and worse. Worse, because there was more friction against their clothes than there was now between their skin. Better, because Adora could feel how wet Catra was.

Wet. For Adora. That alone could have sustained her for the rest of her life. She pressed her thigh down into that warmth. Catra grasped and moved against her, hands fisting against her back.

How should they do this, Adora wondered. Her first time had been sweet, but fast. Not given the right care and encouragement. She’d been terrified of doing something wrong, of Ashley finding out her lie.

They could do this, grinding until they both came. Adora could touch her, rubbing and feeling. Or take Catra with her mouth.

Just thinking about that made her go a little crazy. She pulled Catra’s knee back where it had been, moving her hand up to squeeze her ass. Catra gasped.

“Whatever you want,” Adora promised her, mouthing along her throat. “Just tell me.”

“I…” Catra broke off into a moan. “I don’t know. I want everything.”

She didn’t know what she was asking for. Adora really, really wanted to show her. But tonight…

“Can I touch you?”

Catra’s loud breathing cut off. Adora paused, too.

“Touch me?” She repeated, like she didn’t understand. “Y-yes. Please.”

Adora moved slowly, purposefully, giving Catra the chance to stop her, if she wanted to. She shifted her weight, moving down to mouth at her breasts as her hand trailed over her stomach.

Catra made the noise again – soft, startled, whimpering. It sounded so incredible Adora stopped reaching, instead putting her hand to Catra’s other breast and squeezing lightly. She flicked her tongue, rewarded with more keening. Hands clutched at her hair, and Catra’s chest rose and fell rapidly with her breath.

She paid equal attention to the other breast, until Catra was moaning on every other breath.

“Adora, that feels – I feel – “

Adora stretched up to kiss her. “What do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, laughter long gone. “Just don’t stop.”

“Okay. I’m gonna touch you now. If you want.”

Catra nodded hard, arms locked around Adora’s shoulders. With a deep breath, Adora reached down between them and – gently – cupped her hand around Catra’s mound. Thick, rough hair met her touch, and Catra’s legs were just spread enough for her fingertips to meet hot moisture.

They both went completely still. Adora didn’t move her hand at all, just held. Catra breathed heavily and stared at her.

It was natural, in a way. Like holding Catra’s hand, or hugging her. This was only an extension of every other way they had touched each other. All the same promises and trust.

“Is it gross?” Catra asked.

Adora blinked. “ _What_ did you just say?”

“Is it…” she turned her face away, staring off at nothing. “When I was touching myself, I got all…it’s so…wet.”

Stunned, Adora pictured Catra alone, trying to masturbate and put off by the reactions of her own body. Thinking it was _gross._

She was suddenly fiercely glad she’d gotten so much experience under her belt, when it came to this. It was an absolute necessity that she teach Catra everything there was to be known about the female body. The beauty of _gross_.

“Never say that about yourself again,” Adora commanded, unable to help herself. It was just so _wrong_ that Catra should be self-conscious about something so wonderful. She pushed her hand down, two fingers slipping between the labia and into what was, to Catra’s point, actually a _lot_ of wetness. She was very, very wet.

Catra’s eyes had flown wide when Adora moved her hand, and went even wider when she removed it and stuck her fingers into her mouth. It was possibly too much, too soon, but Adora didn’t care. It was either this or sticking her face between Catra’s legs, and she felt like that might _really_ be too much.

She tasted like heaven. Adora wasn’t surprised.

“I – you – “ Catra spluttered, face twisting like she hadn’t yet decided on being affronted or turned on. “Ah.”

Adora leaned in slowly, waiting for Catra lean up and meet her lips. She opened her mouth, brushing her tongue into Catra’s, sharing the taste. Catra shuddered and yielded to it, moaning again when Adora moved her hand back to her vagina.

Not very many people Adora had been with ever got this wet. She certainly didn’t. Catra was _dripping_ , and Adora wanted desperately to enter her, imagining the kinds of noises it would make. But she only circled with her fingers, up and down and back up, holding back on touching her clit. Not yet.

Catra came alive beneath her, squirming against her hand, gripping her upper arms. Her eyes were shut tight, mouth falling open in what looked like surprise. Adora watched her, tipping her weight to the side so that the knee still hooked around her waist was pinned down, opening her up that much more.

She watched Catra being touched for the first time, and again couldn’t believe this was really happening. That it was _her_ that got to touch Catra like this. Only her.

It really didn’t bear thinking about.

“Adora,” Catra breathed, hands going tight. “It feels too good.”

Adora kissed her cheek, her ear. “Better than when you did it?”

“ _Yes._ I – c-can’t think.”

“We can stop,” Adora reminded her softly, slowing her hand. “If it’s too much.”

She shook her head, biting her lower lip as her eyes slid closed again. Adora laid her head down and kissed her, taking over lip-biting duty.

It was a good thing Glimmer had left. Adora traced her index finger – well-coated in moisture – around her clitoral hood, and Catra made a _very_ loud noise. Not quite a yelp, but close. Adora swallowed it down, along with the others, swiping her fingers down to collect more lubricant before picking up speed, quick circles that brushed against her clit every time. The easy give of warm flesh went straight to her head.

Catra gasped into her mouth, body arcing up and muscles tensing. “Good?” Adora asked. She nodded. “Tell me.”

“It’s – um – _ah._ Good. Really good.”

She whispered more sweet nothings, even when Catra stopped replying and only breathed and gasped and whimpered. There was a power to making another person come, but it had never been so important. This was the first one _ever_ , and it had to be the best. Adora had to make it unforgettable.

She zeroed in on what Catra was responding to, flattening her palm and moving in even faster circles. Catra’s legs began to tremble, her legs making an effort to close. She was so wet now that even this made an obscene _squelching_ sound.

Her hands shook, too, sliding away from Adora’s arms, and falling to lay above her head, fisting into the sheets. It was the most erotic thing Adora had ever seen.

“Don’t – stop,” she panted. Adora didn’t, not even when Catra cried out and flinched with her entire body, bringing her knee down on Adora’s hip hard enough to hurt. She turned completely into her, pressing her face to her chest and gasping lungfuls of air.

Adora stopped, stunned, but left her hand where it was, rubbing very gently. Catra came down from it slowly, arm curled tightly around Adora’s middle and tremors wracking her body. Neither of them spoke for what felt like a long time, lost in a shell-shocked haze. Adora hadn’t come, as her throbbing pussy reminded her, but it almost felt as though she had. Seeing it on Catra’s face had been just as good. If not better.

“Hey,” Adora said softly, holding her tight. Catra answered with an attempt at speaking that turned sharply into a sob.

“Catra?” All her arousal fell away, turning to fear.

“I’m fine,” Catra said quickly, though she resisted Adora’s efforts to look at her face. Her voice was thick with tears.

“Talk to me,” Adora said, carding her fingers through Catra’s hair, running a hand up her side after drying it on her own skin.

“I – I don’t know. Was that…was that it?”

Adora frowned. “Was what…what?”

“Did I – “ She jerked back. Wide eyes, tear tracks reflecting the street light from the window. “Did you make me – ?”

Slowly, Adora nodded. “I did.”

“Oh,” Catra said breathlessly. “Oh.”

Adora watched her for a moment, confused but growing more confident by the second that the tears weren’t necessarily bad.

“It – “ Catra took a deep breath, laughing just a little. “It was good. I didn’t kn-know anything could feel like that.”

Adora touched her cheek, moving her thumb through the tears. “I’m glad I got to show you.”

“I’m not broken,” she said, catching Adora’s wrist. “We could have…”

Her face crumpled. She buried it in Adora’s shoulder and sobbed again. Adora bit back her platitudes and apologies, trying to give Catra a moment to adjust.

“We could have had this,” Catra continued after a while, crying softly. “If I had gone with you. We could have – “

“Don’t do that,” Adora whispered. “It’s _okay_ , Catra. We’re together now.”

She held Catra to her naked body, still feeling trembles in her toes and fingers. It would be about now, she thought, that the guilt would appear. When it was her and Ashley, it had been directly after that the other shoe had dropped. She had felt strange and bad about being with someone else like that, Shadow Weaver’s voice whispering punishments in her head.

But Catra only sniffled a bit and then laughed again, offering no explanation.

“Are you…?”

“I’m okay,” she insisted, giggling again. “So…that’s sex, huh?”

 _It’s the start of it_ , Adora didn’t say. “That’s sex.”

“Did I…” Catra trailed off, leaning her head back. “I mean, should I touch you now?”

“You don’t have to.”

“But you didn’t…you know.”

Adora, bizarrely, felt a little panicked. “It’s not important. We can do that later.”

Catra breathed against her shoulder, thinking. “Adora,” she said, very quietly. “I want to. But I don’t know how.”

Adora kissed her, slow and deep. There was no way to put how she felt into words.

“I’ll show you,” she promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is having a good snow day.


End file.
